< After Midnight pt.12
By: Michelle
TITLE: No Acceptable Loss
PAIRING: X&A
SETTING: Season 4 AU. You'll see.
SUMMARY: Angelus turned Xander. Xander's not a happy vamp. Nor is he willing to stay with Angelus.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, nor do I make any profit.
FEEDBACK: Absolutely. Feel free. Also, concrit welcome. Just drop me a line.

---

Angelus and Spike stalked the streets of Sunnydale, shadows passing in the cones of amber light from the streetlights. They were hunting, but not for food.

“Do you think he’s left yet?” Spike spoke the question low, not wanting to give away thier presence.

“Oh yeah. He’s gone. I made sure he felt he had to leave.”

Spike chuckled. “Yeah. I heard. You’re still a dick, you know that Sire? You had him. He’d killed that chit, been hunting - and what a hunter he turned out to be, huh? - but no. You had to tell him that shit about hope and his destruction being the reason you turned him.” Spike shook his head. “I’ll never understand you, Angelus.”

With a huge smile, Angelus grabbed Spike close to him and kissed him on the top of his head. “You never were one for patience, Spike. Always just for the brutal kill. Although, the railroad spikes in the head was a nice touch. Xander is a complicated creature. Was as a human, as I recall.” His lip curled in disgust, “That souled idiot counterpart of mine always felt so confused by him. Never understood Xander’s strength.”

“That’s right. The little prat backed you down. I’d forgotten about that. Brave lad.”

“Brave, loyal. Beautiful.”

“Yeah. I’ll definitely give you that one, Sire. God, his face, when he comes? It’s unearthly.”

Angelus smiled. “Oh yes, he is particularly beautiful when his body makes him do things his mind doesn’t want. The best form of torture, and his face is so expressive.”

“Right.” Spike lost himself in memories of being inside the young one, his flesh tightening around him, the little sounds of pleasure that he tried to hide, and the way he bit his lips to bleeding in order to stifle his moans.

Angelus glanced over at Spike and grinned. “I know. But get your head out of the clouds, little one. We have to find our boy, before he gets to where he’s going.”

“And where is that?”

Angelus just smiled.
****

Xander found himself in a familiar courtyard. The vines along the walls were thicker than he remembered, but it had been a while. He knocked on the heavy oak door. He heard the soft pad of feet on hard wood, then the click of locks being turned, and the door opened a mere sliver.

“Who’s there?”

“Giles? It’s Xander. Can you open the door?”

Suddenly the door was thrown wide and Giles stared wide eyed at Xander. “Good lord, Xander! Please, do - ”

“No! Don’t invite me in.” There was desperation in the command, and Giles tilted his head at Xander questioningly.

“Don’t? Why? Oh. Oh, no. Xander. I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault, Giles. I was stupid and went somewhere in the dark. He got me, and it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. Well, until last night, and he just said I wasn’t worth being turned. Not in so many words, you know, just that the only reason he did it was to destroy me, and didn’t he realize that turning me would destroy me? Only it hasn’t. I still feel like me, Giles. I still feel like the afterthought, and was I really that terrible as a human? Was I really that worthless that the only appeal I had would be in my destruction? I don’t understand, and I know I’m babbling and I haven’t done it in so long, but he’s got me so confused!”

“So you’ve come to me? I don’t see how I can help you. You’re a vampire now. Why would I even bother to help you?”

Xander took a calming breath and struggled with the exhalation that was no longer autonomic. “Honestly? I was hoping that some nostalgia would work in my favor, but hey. Guess not. I just need to get away from him.”

“Who?”

Xander just looked shocked. “What do you mean who? Angelus! Angelus turned me, Giles. Do you really think that by quitting I got so weak that any ole vamp could have done it? No, the mighty himself turned me! And I want to leave!”

“Angelus turned you?”

“Well, yeah! Like I’d let anyone else near me!”

“But you let him?”

Xander shrugged. “Well, kinda. Yeah. It was a while ago, right after Buffy died - right after he killed her. I went to the mansion, the courtyard where he killed her and he was there. He said I smelled delicious. I said I was through and that I wanted him to leave us - me and the gang - alone. We made a deal. I’d give him a taste of me, and he’d leave. So I kissed him, and he promised.” Xander rolled his eyes, “Of course, the bastard lied! He never left, and he stalked me. Then about a month ago, he caught me going to one of the sites where I was working and, well, long story short, he turned me.”

Giles turned thoughtful. “Well, Xander. From what I’ve read of Angelus’ past activities? You were turned for a reason.”

“Yeah,” said like “well, duh,” the Xander continued, “he wanted to destroy me.”

“I don’t believe that is exactly the case. Angelus didn’t turn people to destroy them. He destroyed them first - as in Drusilla - or he killed the ones he ruined. He could spend weeks torturing his victims, then after they were broken shells of their former selves, he’d grow bored and kill them. Those he intended to keep may have been, well, tortured, but never really broken. He only turned those with a particular strength.”

“Then why would he say that bit about destroying me?”

“I can’t begin to understand his motivations, Xander. Only tell you what he’s done in the past.”

“He was playing me. Again!”

“And so well, too, precious.” The voice whispered from the shadows of the courtyard. The pitch blackness wavered, and the tiny glow of yellow eyes emerged, then a pale face, and finally the body as Angelus prowled out of the shadows. “Have you come here to fetch us a snack?”

“No. I just came to get away from you. But I’ll settle for information.”

“Well, it looks as though your refuge is closed, and your source has run dry.” Angelus nodded back toward the doorway that was now empty. Xander frowned and searched what he could see of the apartment. He heard Giles rummaging around and turned back to Angelus.

“He’s likely getting weapons, now,” he shrugged.

“That’s fine. Why don’t you go help him out with that?”

“Umm, because I can’t go into his apartment?” Xander frowned up at Angelus, who in turn looked confused.

“He didn’t invite you in? I figured he would have done so by now.”

“He was going to, but I stopped him. Told him not to.” It was Xander’s turn to give the sly grin. “Surprised, Sire?”

“Yes, actually.”

“Uh huh. Thought so. So. Where’s Spike? You two took off together, figured he’d be right with you.”

“He had to go get something. He’ll be along in a minute.”

“Let me guess, he went to get someone that will get us invited in?”

Giles came back to the door with a crossbow and crucifix. “You’ll not be getting an invitation from me, Angelus.”

“We’ll see. And point that thing elsewhere, Rupert. It’s not as though I couldn’t snatch the arrow out of the air, now, is it?”

Giles’ offensive stance deflated a bit with that bit of news, but he kept the crossbow leveled on Angelus, who simply laughed at him.

“Angelus." Xander spoke, drawing his sire's attention. "What are you doing here? I figured you’d be alright with me leaving. After all, you’d done what you set out to do, didn’t you? I mean, come on! I killed Cordelia for you! Surrendered to you, at last, so you must be done with me, right?”

“You killed Cordelia?" Giles' outraged shout echoed off the building. "Xander! Why?”

Xander turned back to Giles. “If I hadn’t, Giles, things would have been much worse for her. As it was, I waited too long. I should have killed her when he first brought her to me, but I didn’t. And she suffered for it. My killing her was a favor. She even thanked me.”

“Yes. I’m quite sure she did.” Giles frowned at him. “If it bothered you so much to kill her, why didn’t you just free her?”

Xander turned a baleful stare on Giles. “Yeah. Because letting her go in the state he,” he jerked a thumb in Angelus’ direction, “was going to leave her in would have been so much better for her?”He heaved a sigh. “Just shut up, Giles. You don’t know anything about what’s been happening.”

“You came to me, Xander. Do I need to point that out?”

“God! No! Alright? Just, dammit, just leave it alone. I did what I had to do, believe me.”

“Ohh, this is just precious, you two. Bickering over a dead girl.” Angelus let out a humored sigh. “It’s all moot now.” He scented the air and flashed his eyes with a grin. “Spike’s come back. And he has something delicious in tow.”

Spike’s heavy tread of Doc Maartens were heard over the terracotta tiles. The scrap and slide of limp legs on the same material grated on Xander, but he turned to see what or who Spike had brought with him.

“You cannot be serious!” Giles’ shout from the doorway echoed the anger Xander felt.

Spike arrived in the courtyard with a wicked grin, dragging a limp and bleeding Willow. “This what you wanted me to bring, Angelus?” He stood her up next to Angelus, who touched her face with a tenderness that belied any intention Xander assumed he had for her.

“Yeah, Spike. Isn’t she the perfect little present for our boy here?”

Xander tilted his head and gazed at Willow’s expressionless face. The last time he’d seen her had been the night he’d kissed Angelus. She had done nothing but weep for her failure and Buffy’s death. He’d promised to return and see her again, but hadn’t. He’d left her in that hospital with strangers, weeping out her grief, and he’d never gone back to see her.

“I suppose you want me to kill her too, Sire?” a quiet resolve entered his voice, as though his entire existence hung on Angelus’ answer. If the great bastard wanted him to kill Willow, then he knew he never mattered. That this un-life he was living was just some experiment in destruction that Angelus wanted to conduct. If that were the case, he’d have Giles kill him right then. He may be a vampire, but by all that was unholy, he refused to be the by-product.

“Kill her? Oh precious. No. Why would I want you to kill the strongest remaining link to your life?” The light of understanding dawned in Angelus’ eyes. “Ohh. Because I said I wanted that part of you gone, right. That I would only tolerate it so long.” He nodded as though in deep thought. “Well, Xander. I’ve changed my mind. These last few weeks with you have been wonderful; you hunting with me and Spike, learning to kill and enjoy it, learning to take the hunt to levels of artistry and beauty that even I hadn’t achieved. Even your brutality with Spike is a beauty to behold, love.”

“And this changed your mind about me? I thought it was what you wanted! And damn you to eternal hell, you monster, you made me want to please you.” Xander’s face felt wet and he reached up to wipe the moisture away, only then noticing that it was tears drifting down his face. “I hate you, but you compel me to please you. I need you to want me. And I don’t think I ever experienced pain like I did when you said all you turned me for was to destroy me!”

Angelus watched his boy with a perplexed gaze. He frowned. “Xander.”

“You son of a bitch. You made me this way! Turned me into this! Made me want you, love you, need you, and then you pulled the rug out from under me.” Xander was openly weeping now, conflicted and just wanting the whole thing to end. “If you don’t want me so much, then let me go, you fuckin’ psycho.”

He felt himself snatched up into an embrace so tight, he felt his ribs crack. “I made you Xander. And you’ve turned into something even I couldn’t imagine. So much better than the mewling thing I thought I wanted.”

Xander started, a muffled “what?” whispered against the silk covered shoulder.

“Your defiance of me, the lengths you would go to just to escape me. Breaking your own bones to escape your restraints, hating me so hard even as you rode me to your pleasure. Everything about you is beautiful, Xander. Yes. The only reason I turned you was to destroy you. But you’re indestructible aren’t you, Precious? Even killing one of your friends couldn’t break the humanity in you.”

“Cordelia. You used her as a weapon against me.”

“Yes. And failed. You made her death matter to you. It shouldn’t, and I should be angry with you for thwarting me, but you,” he reached out and took Xander’s face in his hands, “made the surrender beautiful, had her begging you to die and thanking you for it. Words I had always wanted to hear from my victims, yet never achieved. Well, ok, yeah. They begged me to just kill them, but none had ever done so with forgiveness in their words. Oh that was bliss, listening to her forgive you, thank you, beg you.” Angelus laughed. “You’re the only creature I know who achieves absolution in murder, precious.

“I realized that destroying that part of you would make you just another childe. Just another run of the mill vampire. So now, I’m going to cultivate that aspect of you, Xander.”

He nodded to Spike who stepped forward carrying Willow. Giles started to protest from his position inside his apartment, but Xander looked over at him. “Shut up, Giles.” He ignored the sputtered indignities Giles shouted and turned again toward Willow.

“You don’t want me to kill her?”

“No. I have nothing invested either way. What I want, is for you to want something - anything - from her.” Angelus said.

“Then why did you have Spike bring her?”

“You have a choice to make, here, Xander. You can keep her as your human, very much alive companion, you can turn her, or you can feed from her. The decision is entirely up to you. But know this. No matter what you do, whatever you decide to do with your Willow, you are wanted here.”

“Really?” Xander turned a skeptical eye to Spike. “Even you?”

Spike casually lifted a cigarette to his mouth and lit it, blowing out the smoke then shifting his reflective blue eyes to Xander. “You know where I stand. Family is what I want, Xander.” He shrugged. “You’re a part of that family.” The casualty of his statement was undermined when the hand that held the cigarette shook.

“Ok.” Xander smiled and turned back to Angelus. “You’ll let me be what I am. Not try to change me. You’ll take me as I am?”

“You’re pushing it. You either trust me with this, or not. You don’t get to make demands on me.” Angelus’ face settled into its usual hardness.

“It doesn’t depend on what I do with her?” Xander shrugged in Willow’s direction.

“That’s what I said, isnt’ it?”

“Ok then.” He walked over to Willow, who still stood unmoving and expressionless. “Hey Wills,” he whispered as he brushed back her much longer hair. He could have wept at the dullness that infected it. She had always shone so brightly before.

She lifted her eyes to his face. “Xander?”

“Hey, babe. You remember me?”

“Xander. I’m so sorry. I killed her.” She whispered the words as though they were some phrase she’d learned and memorized. Xander smiled sadly at her.

“No, hon. You didn’t. Angelus killed her. But answer this for me, Wills. Do you want the grief to end?”

“Grief? I don’t know grief.”

“Do you hurt, Willow? Deep inside? Is there a place that no one can touch and does it feel like it’s never going to get smaller or go away?”

She sniffled as a tear rolled down her cheek. He barely heard her whispered, “yes.”

“Do you want me to make it go away?”

With that question, she clutched her fingers into the material of his shirt. “Oh, god. Yes, please. Make the hurt go away, Xander.” She eyes were flowing with tears and her voice started to hitch. “Please, make it go away. I don’t want to hurt anymore!”

He could hear Giles sobbing in his apartment and shook his head in the man’s direction. Giles nodded, and closed the door. He knew there was nothing more he could do, not with the three vampires there, to protect Willow. Xander knew that Giles had learned long ago that loss, while not necessarily acceptable, was indeed inevitable. The heavy oak door clicked shut and Xander gazed down into liquid green eyes. He laid his forehead against Willow's and tracked her tears with his thumbs. He felt his own newer tears crawling down his cheeks.


“I can make it better for you Willow. I promise, no more pain, no more death,” he kissed her gently, tasting the salt of her grief on her lips. “Shhhh. Xander will take care of you.” He turned her head to the side, closing his eyes to her whispered almost incoherent “please”s and bit into her neck. The taste of her pain and grief-filled blood hurt him physically, but he continued to drink, as his tears continued to fall. Her heartbeat slowed, and the blood stopped free-flowing. The he heard the last thump of her heart and kissed her wound closed. Her head fell back in a graceful curve, and he picked her up to cradle her against his chest.

“I want to bury her myself.”

Angelus and Spike walked over to him, each raised a hand to either side of his face and wiped his tears from his skin. Angelus leaned in and kissed him gently, then Spike.

They tried to take his burden from him, but he held her close, not wanting to relinquish her. “I’ll take care of her. She was my responsibility in life, I’ll make her mine in death. I know a perfect spot behind the mansion she would have loved.”
****

He buried Willow on the hillside, where the sun would kiss her grave every morning and shadows would guard her every night. He lay with her that first night on the freshly turned earth of her grave and knew he was watched by his new family. He’d thought Angelus wanted to destroy the last vestiges in him that were human, but he’d been wrong. Angelus may have liked breaking pretty things, but he would never destroy that which belonged to him. And Xander knew, now, that he had belonged to the magnificent creature from the first kiss.

He felt the rising of the sun and smiled. He looked back at the mansion and caught his Sire’s eye. He nodded and rose from his place beside Willow’s grave and headed inside.

---

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