Chapter 2
Moments are often etched in memories. Good times become pleasant images to be called forth in trying times, or even just to bring a smile. Times like his first kiss with Willow. Her sweet mouth curving under his, hesitant hands holding on to his waist, so her knees wouldn’t buckle. That was a good memory, one he would always treasure. But the terrible memories? They are the ones that are best left forgotten, but because they are burned on the cells, branding the brain, forgetting is impossible. Like the memory of him staking his best friend. The face that had been so apathetic turning for an instant into the sweet face of Jesse, as though saying thank you for killing me. That was another memory that, though he wished he could, Xander would never forget.
This was another moment that would ingrain itself on his brain. For as long as he lived, Xander would never forget this moment. The strange combination of pleasure and horror, both equal in intensity, ensured the image would be indelible in his brain. Nightmares would never be the same, beautiful dreams would forever be altered, because he was absolutely positive, like he had never been positive about anything in his life, that he would never dream about anything other than this moment. That sweet kiss, that terrible death, both would pale in comparison to this in his dreams.
Buffy’s frail figure slowly descended the stairs, coming to a stop at the last step in front of Xander and Spike. Spike’s breathing should have shocked Xander, but then he had ceased breathing, so something equally surprising had to be going on inside Spike. He reached out a hand, gently grasping the smaller ones before him. He noticed the blood that covered her knuckles.
“Oh, Jesus. Buffy. What happened?”
She looked unsure of the question, or how to answer it.
Spike just seemed to growl low in his chest. He had smelled the blood on her as she made her way down the stairs, but couldn’t see any indication of injury. When Xander lifted her hands, he knew what happened. And it pissed him off. “They left her there.”
Xander whipped his head over. “What do you mean? Left her where? And who are they?”
“Red and her little witch friend, Xander. They bloody well left her to crawl out of her grave on her own.”
Xander’s hissed breath indicated his disbelief. “No. You don’t know that for sure.”
“Look. At. Her.” Spike snarled. “Look at her hands. I know those marks. Had them myself over a hundred years ago.” He turned and trapped Xander with his gaze. “And who else do you know could do this? Do it without thinking things all the way through?” He nodded. “It was Willow.”
Spike turned back to Buffy with an expression more gentle than any Xander had ever seen him wear, which seemed incongruous with the hostility and anger the vampire had just expressed.
“Hey. Let me see.” Spike reached for her hands, taking them out of Xander’s soft hold.
He looked them over carefully, studying the cuts and scrapes. Keeping an eye on her face, watching closely for any hint of fear or repulsion, he lifted them to his mouth. He bathed them gently with his tongue, knowing it would help them heal that much faster. Afterwards, he asked Dawn to go up and get the first aid kit. He repeated the request when he noticed that the girl hadn’t moved but sat stunned on the couch.
“Dawn. Please. Go get the first aid kit out of the bathroom, right? I have to take care of these.” He smiled softly at her when she stood to do as he asked. “Xander? Could you get me a couple of washcloths or towels? Something to clean these?”
“Yeah. Be right back.” Xander stepped quietly around the two of them into the kitchen.
Spike moved over to sit on the couch, pulling Buffy down to the coffee table so that she sat in front of him. He continued to minster to her mangled hands, turning them over to see how extensive the damage was.
“Is this hell?”
The tiny voice startled him. “Um. No. Well, not anymore.”
“It feels like hell.”
“I know what you mean, pet. But no. Just Sunnydale.”
“I don’t remember it being so harsh. It has been so soft for so long.” She turned her head sideways. “How long have I been .... gone?”
“Just over four months, 147 days to be exact.”
“Oh” She lowered her gaze to her damaged hands cradled in his. “Seemed longer.” Her voice had a far away, almost childlike quality.
“That it did love, that it did.”
Dawn and Xander returned at the same time, giving Spike a reprieve from conversation as he tended to Buffy’s hands. He watched as Dawn stroked Buffy’s hair, almost as though feeling her out to ascertain if she were real. She appeared to be satisfied, because the hand that had been exploratory quickly became reassuring, stroking the blonde hair lovingly. Dawn sidled up to Buffy’s back, making sure to touch her everywhere, hoping that it made the older girl feel safer. When Buffy leaned into her, Dawn figured she was on the right track and continued to reassure with whispered words of love and relief.
Xander just stood over to one side. One part of him ecstatic that his friend was back from the dead, back in his life. God, he didn’t realize how much he had missed her face. But the other part of him was absolutely furious. What right did Willow have to make this kind of decision? This was too much. Buffy had lived her life, died saving the world, and dammit! She deserved her rest. There was no doubt in his mind that the cosmos would not deny her rest. He never understood Willow’s utter certainty about Buffy being in a hell dimension. No way would the universe do that to someone like Buffy.
He watched as Spike and Dawn ministered to her, taking care of her physically and emotionally. He realized he so wanted to be doing either of those, but was too angry. When his hands began to ache noticeably, he looked down to discover his balled fists. The urge to hit something overcame him so swiftly he had to suck in a breath. Spike looked up at him, and he shook his head. He turned abruptly from the scene before him, making his way to the door. He noticed that Willow and Tara were nowhere to be found, he figured they were at the dorms again. They had done their damage and were relaxing. He indicated to Spike that he intended to find them, but got the “wait, I’ll go with you” look from Spike. So he waited.
Spike finished up the wraps over Buffy’s knuckles and stood. “Bit. You look after your big sis. Xander and I have some stuff we need to do.” He leaned down to hug the young girl close. “We’ll take care of everything. It’s all gonna be alright. I promise.” He stood and headed over to where Xander waited by the door. “Dorms, I assume?”
“Oh yeah.” They walked out, shutting the door with a calm that belied the turmoil in both of their hearts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tara heard the knocking on the door and assumed that Willow had forgot her key again. She tossed off the covers and moved to answer it, a wry smile sliding over her serene features.
“What, Will? Did you forget your key again? You alway...” Her voice trailed off when her gaze met Xander and Spike standing in her hallway. “Umm h..hey, guys. Wh..what are you doing here?”
“Tara. We know what you did. And we want you to know that it isn’t right.” Xander spoke calmly, only to be interrupted by an obviously angry Spike.
“You know, you especially should know, that there are always consequences for using magic. And this? This is one big bloody fiasco that will certainly be met with huge consequences.”
Tara seemed to become genuinely afraid. “I...I really don’t kn..know what you guys are ta...talking about.”
“Well, we’re talking about you and Red pulling the big mojo to raise Buffy. How could you not know about that? What did you do? Work some blood magic? Call on Osiris? Bloody arrogant is what you are.”
“Willow raised Buffy?” Tara’s voice came out strong and sure. “If Willow did that, I have no idea. I’ve been here since the meeting ended.”
“Ok Tara.” Xander’s more reasonable voice stepped in. “Where is Willow? If you guys went to the meeting together, you must know where she is.”
“No. After the meeting, I didn’t feel well, so I came on back here. Willow was talking with some of the other members, and said she would be back home later. I fell asleep and haven’t seen her since.”
Xander turned to look at Spike. “She did it herself.” Spike nodded. “We need to find her. Now.” He turned back to Tara. “You know how to find Will?”
“Yeah. Just give me a minute for a locator spell.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beaker’s Woods was pitch dark in the early pre-dawn hours of the morning. The three hunters followed a tiny glowing light that looked suspiciously like tinkerbell in the Peter Pan stories. It had picked up speed and was heading through a copse of trees into the clearing where Buffy had been interred.
When the three of them broke through the ring of trees, the sight that greeted them was ghastly. Willow lay spread eagle on the ground, her clothes in manic disarray. Three other girls lay in counterpoint to her, each representing the four corners. They seemed to simply be unconscious.
Spike and Xander stepped over them cautiously, only daring to wake them when Tara said it was alright. When they stood over Willow, Spike was the first one kneeling over her. He rapidly put his hand to her carotid artery, feeling for a pulse. When he looked up shaking his head, Xander felt the world sink out from below him. “She’s dead?”
“No, but will be soon, if we don’t get her to a hospital. Her pulse is too fast and thready. Her heart is overworked. She needs a doctor, and I mean now.”
“Can you get her there fast?”
“Yeah. But I won’t be able to take all of you.”
“Take her. We’ll catch up.”
Spike picked Willow up carefully, cradling her in his arms as he took off toward Sunnydale General. Tara had the other girls up, finally, and was trying to determine what went on. She got choppy stories from the confused and disheveled girls, but enough to piece together an explanation for Xander. She made sure each of the girls was able to make their way home, then she turned to tell Xander what she had learned.
“Spike was right. Willow called on Osiris to expel Buffy from wherever she was. The urn she used was broken during the ritual, and the sacrificial blood - I still can’t believe she would do this, God, she had to kill something! - was consumed for the spell. Willow has called on the darkness here Xander. Blood magic is completely unpredictable.”
“We know. Or else we’ve been told, god knows how many times by Giles. Jesus, Tara. What are we going to do? What’s gonna happen to Willow?” He turned a frantic gaze in her direction. “Will she be alright? Or did doing this do something to her? God! How could she be so damn stupid!”
“I honestly don’t know what will happen to Willow, Xander. This is bound to change her, but I have no idea how much power she used. Obviously, it was enough to almost kill her, but she’s a good person. Her intention, I hope, wasn’t selfish; she really did think the world better with Buffy in it. Let’s hope intention counts for something when using the dark magics.” Tara’s soft but strong voice lent a confidence to her statements that Xander took to heart.
“Yeah. Let’s hope. I think we need to get to the hospital. God knows how Spike is doing, just carrying her in.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dawn kept up her soft stroking of Buffy’s hair, almost petting her. She had never seen her sister look so fragile. She wrapped her free arm around the stiff shoulders and cradled her sister close to her. The body that had once been fierce and strong seemed smaller somehow, frailer. It was confusing to Dawn how a warrior could be brought so low, even in death. She wanted fiercely to breathe strength into the body in her arms, but had no idea how. Her only strength came from being Buffy’s sister. Her entire life, even her very existence had been constructed from this small force of nature. How do you feed someone’s strength back to them? Dawn did the only thing she knew.
“I thought about bringing you back, you know. After a week of total silence in the house I figured nothing could be so bad, so I thought about it. Then I remembered what you said about mom, and how anything I brought back may look like her but wouldn’t be her? And I knew that would happen to you too and there was no way I could live with that. If you came back, it would have to be so that you could still be you.”
Buffy turned to her with eyes full of sorrow and confusion. “I was happy, Dawn. I felt...at home. Why am I back?”
“I don’t know. But I think Xander and Spike are going to find out what happened.” She turned hopeful eyes to her sister. “Do you think, maybe, that you could like it here again? I missed you so much, we all did. I know it isn’t anything like where you’ve been, but I could make it good for you. I’ve been learning. Spike... well, he’s been teaching me how to take care of myself, so you won’t have to worry about me all the time like you did before. And Willow has been on me about school, too, so you don’t have to worry about that either.” She pulled Buffy’s hands to her chest, hugging them if she couldn’t hug her sister. “Please, Buffy. Don’t leave me again.”
Buffy tried a small smile, beginning to remember Dawn’s penchant for earnestness. It didn’t quite reach her eyes, but the love she felt for her sister soaked her words, “Ok, Dawnie. For you? I’ll try to forget where I was. I’ll stay.” She cocked her head to the side and spoke with the first glimmer of purpose since she walked down the steps. “I just want you to know, Dawn, that wherever I was, I was happy. I felt loved, protected and I knew you were safe.
“Everything was so clear there. Soft on the edges, almost hazy, but so perfectly clear. Here? Things are harsh, bright, sharp and hurtful and all so confused. But I know I love you. I know you’re my sister and you need me.” The small smile she tried on came to her face again. This time it seemed to fit more securely because it finally twinkled a little in her eyes. “I really missed you, though. The one thing I can actually feel glad about is being able to see and touch you again.”
Dawn’s face lit up in a smile that was bright enough to light the gloomiest corners of the hell Buffy thought she was in, and she threw her arms around her sister, squeezing her in a hug that left Buffy in no doubt as to how much she was missed and how glad Dawn was that she was back. “I missed you so much!”
“I’m beginning to get that impression.” Buffy hugged her back, just as strong, careful not to squish her. “Umm, Dawnie? You think I could, I don’t know, maybe get something to drink? Maybe something to eat? Cuz nearly four months in the ground and a girl could starve to death.”
Dawn pulled back and stared Buffy in the face, then they both realized what she just said and burst out laughing. Between gulps of air, Dawn joked back at her, “Yeah, Buff. Cuz being dead and buried can play hell on the appetite!”
“Hehe!! I’ve wasted away to nothing but bones!” The morbidity of the girls’ humor only made them laugh harder, so they stopped trying to out do one another and headed , still laughing, into the kitchen to fix something to eat. When they noticed the lateness of the hour, they decided on toaster waffles and syrup, and Buffy caught up with her sister’s life as they talked till morning light.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time Xander and Tara arrived at Sunnydale General, Willow had been treated in the emergency room and admitted for observation. They found Spike waiting for them in the ER waiting room. He told them Willow’s condition and her room number. The three of them walked silently through the hospital to their friend.
She lay, surrounded by white sheets, in a white room with a white curtain pulled around her bed, because she didn’t have a private room. With all the white, there should have been no cause for such lingering shadows, but the corners of the room fairly floated with them. Darkness hovered just beyond the light that by all rights should have reached into the recesses and chased it out. As they made their way across the room, Tara gave a shudder. “It’s still here.” She whispered and nodded her head at the shadows in the room.
Spike just nodded, his heightened senses picking up on the supernatural energy that seemed to surround Willow. He had felt it all the way from the woods to the hospital, and had thought it had gone, that the brightness of the ER had chased away whatever was following them. Now he knew nothing ever would. The darkness would always be after Willow. He gave a start when he heard Tara start a whispering chant, and then he noticed the shadows recede, but not before his vampire ears picked up the angry wailing the shadows emitted before retreating.
Xander watched in fascination as the odd shadows retreated after Tara’s whispered words. Her magic always surprised him. Willow’s was so blatant, an in-your-face magic that forced people to pay attention or be mowed down in the aftermath. Tara’s was so much more subtle. A gentle persuasion, a nudge in the right direction, protection in the form of silent strength. In all, Xander preferred Tara’s magic, and he knew, probably more than anyone else, that it was the perfect foil for Willow’s. The two of them were indeed destined for each other, and wasn’t that so romantic? But now? His lifelong friend lay small and frail in the hospital, relying on the quiet strength of her lover’s magic to protect her from the very forces she called out to in aid. Insane girl. Brave girl. Stupid girl.
He walked over to the side of the bed, grinning wickedly when Willow’s eyes finally opened and she looked fully at him.
“So. Feelin a bit weak are we? Bite off a little more than you could chew there, Wills? Cuz, you’re in for a world of hurt even so.”
“Xander?” The weak thready voice once had the power to melt his heart, but not now. Now, he was furious. Now, he knew there was an innocent girl caught up in the wake of Willow’s self-centered determination. Now? He was having none of her lies.
“Don’t play the weak one with me, Wills. Not anymore. We all knew you were going to be powerful, but you just couldn’t wait, could you? Had to go and test yourself early, didn’t you? Well. You succeeded. Buffy’s back. Beautiful, strong, sad as ever. And you’re the one to blame.”
Willow’s eyes hardened, lending truth to Xander’s assertion of her playing weak. “Blame? Blame? Xander? I am the one to be congratulated. I brought her back. Me. And I did it without your help.” Her eyes widened, as though realizing something for the first time. “That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why you’re angry. You didn’t get to help, so you can’t share in the glory of what happened. Of what I did.”
“Willow!” Tara’s shocked voice caught Willow’s attention.
“What? It’s true! You know it. He’s jealous. I did something without his help, and he’s jealous.”
“No, Will. That’s not it,” he said, resigned. “I wouldn’t have wanted to help you with this. Buffy deserved her rest. She had saved this world countless times, saved us countless times. No way was the universe going to gyp her of heaven. She deserved to be left in peace, but you couldn’t handle it could you? You just knew she was in hell. You had no faith in the powers that brought her to us, couldn’t trust them to be just.” His lips curled in a sneer. “Well, Willow. I hope you can handle the consequences. I love you, you know. I really do. You’re my best friend in the whole wide world, but you really fucked things up, Wills. I just hope you never realize exactly how much.” With that, he walked out of the room.
Spike watched him leave, then he slowly stalked over to the bed to address Willow who was reeling from Xander’s tirade. He saw her begin to defend herself and her actions, but stopped her with a hard look.
“Red. You don’t know it, cuz you were out, but the forces you called on? They want you. The only reason they don’t have you now is because that boy,” he pointed at Xander’s retreating back, “refused to let them take you. He insisted I bring you here, and let me tell you something, witch. The darkness? That power that you called on? It followed us. It’s lurking here, waiting for a free moment to take you.”
He held up a hand to forestall her protests. “No. You listen to me. Be very careful about what you say, what you call on, and how you cast your spells from here on out. Because you’ve been marked. The only thing keeping it at bay now?” He nodded toward Tara. “Her wards. It may not be tonight, may not be tomorrow, but one day? You will live to regret what you did tonight.”
He turned to leave, his parting words hanging in the air. “Sweet dreams, Red. You’re gonna need em.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander was standing outside the hospital room when Spike emerged. “So. What do you think, fangless? Think she’ll wise up?”
Spike sighed heavily. Nothing was ever going to be the same between any of them again. He knew it. He also knew that this boy would do everything in his power to try to make it right. On top of that? Spike knew that the attempt would destroy Xander. And it all hinged on what he said right now. He could lie, say that Red would learn from this mistake and things would be alright, or he could tell the truth and hurt his newfound friend. Either way, Spike would lose. The lie would eventually be discovered and resented, and the truth would hurt immediately.
He stared into space, then said, “Let’s walk.” And they moved off down the corridor. Never one to prolong pain - not his cup of tea, mind you - Spike answered Xander’s query with an honesty he knew wouldn’t be appreciated.
“No, Xander. I don’t. She got a taste of real unfettered power. No way is she going to go back. And you’re going to lose her. She’s not strong enough to resist it, and honestly? She won’t even try.” He stopped walking and looked Xander right in the eyes and waited resignedly for the boy’s response.
“You know. For a minute there, I thought you were going to lie to me. And to be honest with you, I wanted you to for a split second. But I know. Before? She never would have reacted to me that way. Never. We were so close, neither of us did or felt anything without the other knowing. Now? She pulls off some of the biggest magic in this hemisphere and I had no clue. I’ve lost her already. So.” He heaved a sigh, as though the weight of the world had been removed from his shoulders and he could finally relax. “Thank you for not lying. It is the one thing I can always count on you for. If nothing else other than looking after Dawn, I know you won’t lie.”
Xander nodded when Spike turned surprised and questioning eyes to him. “You’re glad I didn’t lie?” Again, the dark features lifted in a reassuring smile. “Yeah.”
“Right then.” Spike looked off down the corridor. “What say we get back to the house and check on the girls?”
“Yeah. That’s a good idea. Then? Home. To sleep. Been a long night.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tara sat quietly by Willow’s bed, watching the myriad of emotions flicker across her lover’s face. She held Willow’s small hand in hers, stroking the palm, caressing the fingers, in general just letting her know that she was there. In her heart, Tara agreed with Xander and Spike. Willow had called on forces of which she had no conception as to the depth of their power. Those forces, Tara could feel poking at the boundaries of her wards, striving to get in, to get to Willow. She wasn’t going to let that happen. They would get Willow only over her cold dead body. She whispered an augmenting spell, and felt the shadows subside once again, the wards rejuvenated.
“Willow.”
“Yeah?”
“You know that Xander and Spike are right. Don’t you.” Not a question.
“Yeah.”
“Ok. So. What are we going to do now?”
“We?” Willow finally turned to look at Tara. “You’re not going to leave me?”
“Yes, we. And no. It’ll take more than you making an ass of yourself for me to leave you. I love you, good parts and bad. Just like you love me.” She smiled to take the sting out of the insult. “So. Again. What are we going to do now?”
“I did make an ass of myself, didn’t I?” Willow lowered her head, not really wanting to see herself reflected in the eyes of someone so pure. “I didn’t really mean to say those things to Xander. Don’t really even mean them in my heart you know? But right then? Yeah. I was saying what I felt and it was so...Oh I don’t know. So...ugly.” She sniffed, trying to stop tears from falling. “I don’t want to be that person, Tara. I’m not that person. But beauty is gone from me. The only thing I know that still has it anymore is you.” She tried to smile, but it was watery. “I don’t know what we’re going to do.”
“That wasn’t so hard was it?” Tara’s smile filtered through her voice.
“What wasn’t?”
“Admitting you don’t know what to do.”
Willow laughed. “Yeah it was. Why do you think I babbled so much before it came out?”
“That was babble? I thought you were paying me a compliment. I see now how you are.” Tara teased her.
“No, I meant the babble, I really did. But it was easier to babble than to admit I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, I have an idea.”
“Yeah?”
“We’ll call Giles. He’s gonna want to see Buffy anyway. Yeah. I know. You’re going to have to deal with the lecture sweetie. Possibly even the binding of your powers. But he’ll know how to help you.”
“You think so?”
“Oh yeah. I know so. He’s been here before. I can see it all around him. He loves you too, so he’ll help.” Tara stood, climbed onto the side of the bed and hugged Willow close to her. “So, we call Giles. Tell him what happened and trust that he’ll help us.”
Willow snuggled deeper into Tara’s arms, her eyes closed, almost asleep and Tara heard a whispered “Yeah.” and smiled.
TBC