"Where's The Boat?"
A magician was working on a cruise ship plying the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so this allowed the magician to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's talking parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood the trick, it started shouting in the middle of the show ...
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
They magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a wooden raft in the middle of the ocean with the talking parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back". Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and left for Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!".
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read the post card with the following message: "SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT. TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"
The flooding has been fierce. The river has overflowed its banks and is now up to the second story of most of the homes. Mrs. Cruz, a pious woman, is looking out of her second-story bedroom window when a man in a rowboat comes by. The man says, "Jump in lady. I'll save you." Mrs. Cruz smiles and says, "Thank you, but the Lord will provide."
The waters continue to rise. Mrs. Cruz is forced to climb to the roof. A motorboat passes by, and the man in the boat says, "Jump in, lady. We'll take you to safety."
"Thank you so much, but the Lord will provide."
The waters continue to rise. Unable to keep her head above water, Mrs. Cruz drowns. Arriving in heaven, she is irate and demands to see God. When she is brought before Him, she says, "I've always been religious, I've never missed church, I've done good deeds - how come You didn't provide?"
God says, "How many boats do you want me to send for you?"
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even with each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
"Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Why? Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much, father ... but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said the father, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
This seemed to be a workable solution to try out for the son. He decided to give it a shot. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to taked her mother about her own problem as well.
"Mom, when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey, everyone has bad breath in the morning," replied the mother.
"No, you don't understand, mom. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
"Try this," said the mother, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While he is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
The couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, the husband with his perpetual socks and the wife with her morning silence, and they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes up and finds that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she immediately askes, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his patient has practically had different kinds of therapy for his migraines and still no improvement came about.
"Listen," says the doctor, "I had migraines, too ... and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's something I learned from my own experience. When I have a bad headache, I just go home, get into a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand ... especially around the forehead. This really helps.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her ... and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the very first time anyone has ever helped me! Thank you so very much."
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You do have a very comfortable waterbed and your wife was really great."
Bill worked in a pickle factory where he had been employed there for a number of years. He came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home sad and pale. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"So, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh ... she got fired too."
So this Polish caretaker is at home one night when he suddenly hears screaming coming from one of the apartments. Running through the entire floor, he finally finds a woman about to give birth.
"Help me!" she cries. "It's coming out!"
The poor guy is stunned and asks what he should do.
"When you see the head, pull it out!" the woman moans.
The Polack sees the head and pulls out a baby boy. "Now what?" he asks.
"Grab it by the ankles and spank it!" the woman yells.
So the guy grabs the baby by the ankles and starts wailing the tar out of it, yelling "And don't you ever go in there again!"
It was Frank's last day on the job as a mailman for 35 years ... carrying the mail through all kinds of weather within the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated and also thank him. And before sending him on his way, they give the good mailman a gift certificate as a sign of their appreciation.
At the second house they presented Frank with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
When Frank got to the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and then led him up to the upstairs bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he ever experienced.
When he had enough, they both went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast. She then poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, Frank noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. My husband said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast, however, was my idea and I hope you liked it."
A Chinese guy arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and made love. When finished, the man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese guy jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.
During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed ... and finds four Chinese men lying beside each other.
An unemployed actor was getting very desperate to find work. He finally meets a guy from the municipal zoo who was looking for actors. The actor was told that the zoo has spent so much money to get the habitat conditions just right, that they run out of money to import the ape they wanted. He offered to hire the actor to act as an ape using an almost real-looking costume. The actor felt that this was a stupid idea, but he takes the job anyway.
The first few days, the actor just sits there thinking he doesn't look real and that no one was stupid enough to fall for the stunt. he gets bored and decides to walk around and examines his little cage. With this, he noticed that people were watching his every move.
He decides to give them a show and started swinging on the poles, jumping and tumbling around, thumping on his chest and making a lot of gorilla noises. He was able to draw quite a crowd and was becoming the main attraction in the zoo.
One day, he was showing some stunts to a group of kids. He started swinging around and around a pole, when all of a sudden, his hand slips and he goes flying over the cage wall and right into the lion's den. He sat on the floor and noticed a fierce-looking lion stalking on him.
The actor backs up as far as he can, and when he sees no escape from being devoured, he starts screeming at the top of his voice, "HELP ME! HELP ME!" With that, the lion yells, "Shut up you fool or you'll get both of us fired!"
