(This editorial ran recently in the Belleville Intelligencer)

To: George W. Bush, President, United States of America

Dear George:

I am Canadian and I want to apologize. I'm not sure for what but I'll think of something. That's what we Canadians are like.

For starters, I'd like to apologize for all my fellow Canadians who are demanding that you apologize more sincerely for bombing our soldiers. We shouldn't be pestering you like that. You're a busy man. You've got a world to run.

George, these people just don't see the bigger picture. For us, these four deaths represent our country's first losses in combat in half a century. For you, "friendly fire" is as familiar as "collateral damage". It happens all the time. If you had to go on national TV every time some of your own killed some of your own or your friends, you'd never get time to dust the Oval Office.

I also want to apologize for the border. It's an awfully long one, George, and it's hard to patrol. It must be costing you a pile of money to keep the riffraff and the terrorists out. Here's an amazing coincidence that you may not have noticed. The border is just as long on our side as on yours. That's right! Check it out.

Here's something else: Did you know that, over the years, more armed Americans have tried to get into Canada than armed Canadians have tried to get into the States? It's true! They drive right up to our border, demanding the right to bear arms while they go fishing.

Now, I've been doing some math. We have one-tenth the population of the United States, yet we have to patrol exactly the same length of border. What this means is we have to work 10 times as hard to keep the riffraff out. At least. Anyway, I don't know what we can do about the border except apologize for it.

Another thing. I'd like to apologize for Canada's trees. You know, this is a big country and the darn pines and other softwoods keep popping up everywhere. We cut them down and we saw them into lumber and we send them down to your country so you can build good, cheap housing, but we just can't get rid of them all. Now, we could send you more if you wouldn't slap higher tariffs on our softwoods. You know this means your own prices will be higher and so will everything else built out of your lumber. I must apologize again, George, but I don't understand the politics of artificially raising the price of housing. Still, that's your problem and I'm sure you've got it all worked out.

I'd also like to say how sorry I am about Canada winning the gold medals in Olympic hockey. Not so much for what we did but the way we did it. In women's hockey, particularly. I can't imagine how humiliating it must be for American players to go through life explaining how they had a powerplay for 59 minutes but still lost the gold medal.

Now your people boo our national anthem. This has become the debate of the day and I'd like to apologize for that, too. Canadians should grow up and realize that the United States is a free country which jealously protects the rights of it citizens to boo the national anthem of their choice. And heck, it's only at sport events. We'll call it friendly fire.

Sorry, George. That was an unnecessary parting shot. I apologize. It's my national duty. Don't suffer future pain !