Independence vs. interdependence.

The latest argument on the New Mobility disability bulletin board has brought some opinions out into the light about the disabled culture. I'll begin by stating a few facts as I see them.

One aspect of life that a disabled person strives for is a sense of independence. This desire is usually related to someone who becomes disabled through an auto accident or debilitating illness. This once capable individual is suddenly faced with relying on another person to survive. Sometimes this dependence is tapered off as the individual becomes more acclimated to their new disability. Sometimes the dependence remains stagnant. Other times it increases as the individual becomes ill from residual effects of the disability, or cannot (or refuses to) cope with their physical limitations.

The argument, or discussion thread, began with the question "Is independence all it's cracked up to be?" Various people wrote of the desire to have a partner, but the obstacles of true independence were outside of their grasp. Others wrote of feeling independent but still not finding a partner that will accept them for who, and what, they are. The underlining current was that even though these disabled folks achieved the independence that they wanted (to the highest possible degree), they felt it was for nothing.

Barbara McKee Picture

Interesting concept, the notion that being independent can create an obstacle to a loving relationship. Doesn't one require a sense of independence to attract a good mate? The difference between physical dependence and emotional dependence should be the line in the sand. Disabled people will always have some degree of physical dependence on their family or loved ones. This is not wrong. If there is animosity from the caregiver (whoever they are), then it's the caregiver's problem, not the disabled individual. But to be emotionally dependent on someone, that is a problem for all types of people. Dependent people have a need for another person that is so strong they don't feel whole without someone. That emotional dysfunction feeds on the finding and keeping of a person with a similar dysfunction. However, an independent person still has a need to be with someone, but is fully capable of living by themselves.

The answer is really one of relationship concepts, not how dependent the disabled person is on another. Being interdependent is a good thing. Interdependency is the best of both worlds. Each person is in the mindset that they are a "whole" person. They can function in society just fine by themselves. But each is fully aware how much richer their lives can be when shared with someone who values them. Self-respect and empathy are essential to a successful relationship. So is independence. But those definitions do little to ease the plight of the disabled culture when it comes to romance. Finding a mate that will look beyond the physical is something that is not indigenous to the disabled. The human race struggles with this "beauty pageant" notion everyday. But to compound this universal issue with a disability makes the struggle for love more poignant.

I have been told that I'm a strong, independent person, so much so that I intimidate most people, disabled and AB's alike. I find that incredibly interesting. I was taught by my father to find a husband to take care of me, and my mother (God bless her) taught me to never rely on another person to feel whole. It's a wonder my parents have been married for over 45 years with such opposite opinions! I did become that "strong" person who needed a husband to take care of me. At 19, I married an able-bodied man that at first appeared to be the solution to my father's desire for me to be married. I soon discovered that he was very dependent on me. To my chagrin, I was the one taking care of him. I found it a tremendous burden to be the "rock" for 20+ years. When I got divorced, I finally felt independent in the best sense.

My new husband is very different. He is independent, supportive, yet loving and giving. This is the interdependency that is vital to a strong and happy relationship. Mark and I truly love each other, and we know that we don't NEED each other for survival or "wholeness". However, we want to be with each other as much as possible everyday. We are best friends, lovers, financial partners, and totally committed to each other's dreams. He does help me with my physical shortcomings, but he never makes me feel like I owe him. It's a gift that I hold close to my heart, as a precious gem from the Divine after many years of paying my relationship "dues".

My hope is that the more the disabled culture is accepted by society, the stigma of being involved with a "cripple" will deteriorate. I'm convinced that the film and television industry is a vital key to this acceptance. There have been short steps over the years to showcase a disabled individual as a sexual being, but this must be the norm to be effective. No amount of legislation will have as much impact as regular movie and television roles with the character being portrayed as a "whole" person. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Barbara M. ©1999

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