MIRKWOOD, Middle Earth (AP)--The Stanley Cup already has a full passport. It has traveled all over North America and Europe and even to Japan. It has appeared on television, in hospitals, barns, strip clubs, backyards, graveyards and schools. It has watched the sun rise from the tops of mountains and viewed the drain plug on the bottom of Mario Lemieux's swimming pool. Now hockey's sacred silver chalice breaks new ground in trophy travel by making its way to Middle Earth.

Detroit Red Wings right wing--and rocker elf--Legolas spent his day with the Stanley Cup partying in Mirkwood and points beyond. "Pippin's been using it as his personal pint pot all afternoon," the new champion laughed. It holds quite a bit more than a pint. "Oh, he doesn't mind," said Legolas who goes by only one name, not unlike Seattle Mariners outfielder Ichiro, and Madonna.

Last summer, the collective jaws of the National Hockey League dropped to depths unknown when Detroit signed the 6'2", 200 lb. elf as a free agent before the 2001-02 season.

"I think were now officially the oldest team in the NHL," commented general manager Ken Holland wryly at the press conference.

It seemed a strange move after the Wings had acquired future Hall of Famers Luc Robitaille, Brett Hull and Dominik Hasek. The question was asked, "Why would the Red Wings with their bloated payroll waste what little money they had left on an unknown rookie who wasn't even human?" Critics in Hockeytown, who can be as brutal as Sauron when the Prozac wears off, took one look at the elegant, fair-faced elf and after they finished snorting and scoffing into their beers dismissed him as a publicity stunt to sell merchandise.

However, the Wings defended the decision. "We saw him in a workout," Holland said. "He's fast, and were fairly certain he can stick-handle. I think he'll be a fine addition to the team."

Legolas is best known for his participation in the legendary Fellowship of the Ring, which saved Middle Earth from dark, scary stuff. More recently, the multitalented archer has been lead-elf in Elfhead, a rock band that has toured Middle Earth to sell-out crowds. Hockey, one might say, is quite a change. "I don't really think so," said Legolas during a preseason practice. "Everyone spits a lot more, but that's about all. I never knew humans had so much extra liquid. But basically, you're on a team, right, and everyone knows you've got to control your ego for the team whether you're saving the world, doing a gig or winning the Stanley Cup. I mean, no one here flaunts their future Hall of Fame status anymore than the elves at home flaunt their immortality." He thought about it. "Well, we kind of do. Oh, never mind."

Ever the pro with the press, Legolas said all the right things, but Hockeytown wasn't impressed. "Ain't he some kind of Backstreet Boy?" growled Barry Durden, a 42-year-old autoworker from Flint, Mich. "This is hockey, not a beauty pageant. My daughter loves him though. Played that CD to death."

On the opposite end, Elfhead fans everywhere cringed at the thought of gap-toothed goons taking cheap shots at the beloved face of their favorite front-elf.

"Oh, why couldn't he play golf or something?" wailed 16-year-old Rachel Brewbaby wearing an Elfhead T-shirt outside the Joe Louis Arena. Nonetheless, on opening night against the St. Louis Blues, Brewbaby and hundreds of other Elfhead fans painted the winged wheel on their faces to cheer (and pray) for their favorite blue-eyed hearthrob. The burning question on their minds not "can he play?" but "what will he do with his hair?"

If the Elfhead faithful gave Legolas a warm reception, the Hockeytown faithful were still skeptical, and Legolas dearly wanted to win them over.

"Normally, I'm not that nervous," he said. "But I got twitchy before my first shift."

Twitchy? This from someone who jammed an arrow into the eye of a big disgusting thing, yanked it out and fired it at another big disgusting thing? Twitchy?

"Definitely twitchy."

Spasms notwithstanding, Legolas quickly proved to everyone that he could play. Midway through the first period, he feathered a pass to Steve Yzerman who tipped it past a sprawling Brent Johnson for the first goal of the game. The horn sounded, the crowd roared and Legolas experienced his first NHL group hug. He had his first point.

Seven minutes later he would have his first goal. Granted, the puck bounced off his backside from a Chris Chelios shot from the point, but,

"A goal is a goal," he grinned. "I mean as long as it doesn't muss my hair." Hair in place and puck in net, Legolas and the Red Wings went on to beat the Blues 4-1.

From that quick start, Legolas entered himself in the Calder Trophy race for rookie of the year with 19 goals, 20 assists while amassing 137 penalty minutes. That's right, penalty minutes, all the while avoiding any facial contusions. Although Detroit had planned to use the speedy elf as a sniper like "Russian Rocket" Pavel Bure, this rocket showed that he could explode in more interesting ways. In a November match against the Toronto Maple Leafs, Legolas took exception to the antics of perennial tough guy Tie Domi. Late in the third period, Domi took a run at Hasek and then cross-checked Legolas headfirst into the glass, knocking his helmet askew, thereby endangering the lovely blonde locks. After a quick hair assessment, Legolas launched himself at Domi, and the two traded lots and lots of punches for about 40 seconds until the linesmen separated them.

Later, when asked about fighting, Legolas was thoughtful.

"Unarmed combat is not something I do a lot," he said. "I mean I usually have my bow. I guess I could use my stick but I think they suspend you for that. I really thought I had to do it. I mean somehow, elves have got this reputation of being soft. You know, pointy shoes, Santa Claus, poncing about the forest and the like. I had to set the record straight. We're a tough lot. I mean, look at Elrond. You saw what he did to Keanu Reeves."

Can you say, "Wanna go?" in Elvish?

When asked about his hair, Legolas was grave.

"I try to keep it happy," he said. "It needs to feel safe."

In fact, Legolas became quite the poster elf, leading one local website to run a "who's the sexiest Wing?" online poll. Guess who won. Legolas graciously acknowledges the online outpouring of love. "Fans are great, "he said. "I mean, whether its Elfhead or hockey, they're really wonderful."

It seems everyone had become enamored of the elf. The Joe Louis Arena DJ started blasting "I'm too Sexy for my Bow" during home games, and Legolas? teammates had nothing but praise (and some good-natured ribbing) for their "sexy" rookie. "He picked up the system real fast," said Brendan Shanahan. "He's a solid team player, doesn't hog the puck and knows when to shoot. Most of us literally didn't know what the hell he was at first. I even heard one guy say own his wife wasn't as pretty as Legs."

Legs?

"Yeah, that's what we call him."

When the playoffs arrived, "Legs" was all business. "Right now, all I can think of is winning the Stanley Cup," he said. "I mean, that's what everyone's about." And what about the time-honored tradition of growing a playoff beard?

"You're joking, right?"

But it wasn't all hairspray and giggles in the first round against the Vancouver Canucks. After two games, the Red Wings were down 2-0 and Legolas wasn't scoring. Head coach Scotty Bowman, who can shuffle and distribute the goods faster than any Vegas blackjack dealer, put Legolas with Igor Larionov and Luc Robitaille. The "Geezer Line" as they were known, combined for four goals and six assists in the next four games, as Detroit went on to beat Vancouver. Not bad for a line whose combined age is 3,008. The geezers continued to produce through the next round against the St. Louis Blues and again versus arch nemesis Colorado Avalanche. How do the Avs compare with Sauron's army?

"Colorado's uglier," Legolas said. And just as tough, but just as beatable, as Detroit captured the Western Conference title in a seven-game monster of a series.

The Red Wings then handily dispatched the Eastern Conference Champion Carolina Hurricanes whose neutral-zone trap defense bored everyone into a coma. Detroit won its 10th Stanley Cup championship, and Middle Earth was treated to its very first sports championship. The cup came to Middle-Earth and the party hasn't stopped since.

"We've been bobbing for champagne! In apples!" said an excited Pippin.

With his name forever carved onto the holy grail of hockey, does Legolas think more Middle Earth inhabitants will flock to the NHL?

"Oh, sure," he said. "My band mates and I could form a line with two back on defense," he said. "But they're all afraid for their hair." He sighed. "I mean, it?s totally understandable. But Gimli's keen to play goal and Merry said he's sure he can take out Theo Fleury."

But will he be back next season?

"I would love to," he said. "It?s been just grand. But, hello, were in the middle of a world tour. You know, my bandmates were really great about letting me nip off and do the hockey thing. Haldir even let me borrow his lucky scrunchie. The Red Wings were a great team, but I have another team that needs me. Plus, I don't know if my hair can survive another nine months of that helmet." He thought for a moment. "And I want to wear normal clothes again. I mean I'm trying to get away from that elf-Santa association thing, and those road jerseys were just not helping. It just won?t be the same next year. I mean, Dom(inik Hasek), Scotty (Bowman) and Freddy (Olausson) are gone now," his voice trailed off. He looked wistfully at the cup as Gandalf used it to make a jello-mold, and sighed. "It won?t be the same. Sure I'll miss Detroit, but it was a once upon a dream kind of thing."

Legolas uses a cocktail of hair products to prevent the deadly "helmet head mullet." He got some tips from Sergei Fedorov whose blonde tresses also require some maintenance (not an Anna Kournikova reference). Why, Sergei? Whyyyyyyy...
Legolas also brought home a dead octopus as a souvenir of his time in Detroit.
My apologies to the Associated Press, the Detroit Red Wings, their fans around the world, the Carolina Hurricanes, Brent Johnson, Pavel Bure and to a lesser degree Tie Domi and Theo Fleury. (I'm a Red Wing fan. Does that mean I apologized to myself? In that case, I accept.) No apologies to the Colorado Avalanche (Except Alex Tanguay, Joe Sakic and Rob Blake because I like them.)

This story first appeared on One Wig to Rule them All.

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