EPISODE TWENTY-ONE – LORD OF THE THIGHS

INT. JONES CAUSEWAY UNDERGROUND BAR

There’s a card game in progress with a number of people involved, including a stone, looking guy with greasy hair called Santino, a pale gangly guy in a suit and fedora, nearly an albino, called Shaw, a trio of weasel types called Bob, Foobar and Cletus and larger, sallow faced figure called Grey. They make small talk amongst themselves. A barmaid serves them drinks and then moves to another table to take the orders. We see its Lydia.

INT. VALENTINE’S HOUSE

Valentine and Mei sit at the dining table. There is an empty third chair. Valentine says grace. Dinner is McDonalds on pretty plates.

Valentine: Amen.

Mei: It’s gourmet.

Valentine: Shut up and eat.

TITLE CARD – LORD OF THE THIGHS

INT. ROY’S PALACE

Valentine is sorting through various papers. Eden enters and leaves another sheaf there. He turns to exit.

Valentine: Hey! What’s all this?

Eden: Stock and share reports.

Valentine: Why? I mean, why bring this to me? It’s not my department.

Eden: You said you wanted to know of anything unusual going on. Look, read. Lots of shares in Roy’s Palace are being bought up by outside interests including Hedgerow Corp, Nippon and J.Smyles. Owned by John Beaufort, Kyoichi Percy and James Mowbray.

Valentine: Shadowhite’s goons. But Mowbray is all right. He used to sell me information sometimes.

Eden: There are a bunch of others I don’t even recognise. Maybe you’ll know better. Whatever it may be, it isn’t friendly.

Valentine: All right.

Eden: Can I go? I have a ham and Edam sandwich in my lunchbox waiting for me.

Valentine: Sure.

INT. VALENTINE’S HOUSE

Valentine watches TV. It’s probably Newsnight or some equally boring show. Mei comes in, flops down on the sofa, finds the remote and changes it to some highly energetic pop music video channel. Valentine’s lips curl down at the edge.

Valentine: Don’t you have homework to do?

Beat.

Mei: No.

Valentine: Damn.

INT. BLUE LAGOON

Valentine sits at the bar, with drinks. Vahe pours him more. The joint is empty.

Valentine (slightly tipsy): You cleared out your bar just for me? Thanks pal.

Vahe: You wish. Business has been slow lately. And by slow I mean non-existent.

Valentine: But this dive was hardly ever jumping, eh?

Vahe: No, but never deserted. (Beat) And what are you talking about, this ain’t no dive. A lot of hard work and love has been put into making this place what it is today.

Valentine: A dive?

Valentine takes great glee in Vahe’s stormy expression.

Valentine: You know what, you’re right. Those neon signs really add a touch of class. It doesn’t look like a strip joint at all.

Vahe: Ok, no tab for you. Pay up.

Valentine shakes his head, no.

Vahe: Come on dude, I need the cash.

Valentine: Where has everyone gone, anyway?

Vahe: I don’t really know. I heard this rumour-

The door opens. Enter a hottie, gliding in and sitting next to Valentine. Neither takes their eyes off her.

Woman: Good evening, gentlemen. (to Vahe) Gin and tonic, please.

Vahe: Right away, yes.

Valentine: Hi.

Woman: Hi.

Valentine: I’m Marco.

Woman: Melissa.

They shake hands.

Melissa: Do I know you from somewhere?

Valentine (smiles): No.

Vahe: Here you go.

He serves her the drink.

Melissa: Thanks. (Ignores Vahe) You come here often?

Valentine: Unfortunately, yes.

Melissa: It seems kinda divey to me. (A look of dismay on Vahe’s face) A guy like you should be hanging out at a more glamorous place.

Valentine: Anywhere in mind?

Melissa leans into Valentine’s ear.

Melissa: The Jones Causeway, Wuthering Avenue. If you’re my kinda guy, you’ll come and drop by.

She leans away, gives a coy smile, then gets up and leaves. Vahe looks on aghast.

Vahe: What the hell just happened?

Valentine: Nothing you’d understand.

INT. VALENTINE’S HOUSE

The doorbell is ringing and Mei is rushing to find the door, getting lost twice. It’s Seth.

Mei: Hi!

Seth: Hi.

He leans forward, Mei steps back.

Mei: Why don’t you come in?

Seth: Thanks.

Seth leans forward and gives Mei a hesitant peck on the cheek.

Seth: I thought you said Marco was going out. His car’s still outside.

Mei: He’s about to go. He’s on some sort of mission to prove he’s still a man, and that involves drinking and picking up women and-

Footsteps

Mei: Run! Hide! Let’s go.

They exit off stage right. The camera remains on the stairs.

Mei (off screen): This house is too big and confusing.

Valentine starts to descend.

Mei: Where’s the kitchen?

Valentine comes down. Enter Mei and Seth stage left.

Mei: Oops.

Valentine: Seth! What are you doing here?

Seth: Um. Nothing. Oh! Remington sent me to see how you are doing. Since Elli left, I mean.

Valentine: That’s uncharacteristically nice of him.

He puts on his shoes.

Valentine: I’m going out now. Why don’t you come with me?

Seth: What?

Valentine: Young guy like you should be out there meeting women, having fun.

Seth: Oh no, I’m perfectly-

Valentine: Come on, (wraps his arm around Seth) let’s go. Mei seemed very happy when I mentioned I was going out tonight. I think she wanted some alone time. Must be that time of- Well, you know.

Valentine leads him out to the car, shutting the door behind him.

INT. JONES CAUSEWAY UNDERGROUND BAR

Grey lays down a winning hand.

Grey: And that’s the way it is.

Foobar: Nice one.

Bob: Cleaned me out.

Grey: Shaw?

Shaw looks paler than usual.

Grey: How much do you owe now?

Shaw: I’ll pay you back.

Grey: That’s what you said yesterday. And the day before. And on top of what you owe for the service here…

Shaw: I just need a little time.

Grey: I think we need to have a little talk.

Bob and Foobar grab Shaw’s arms and they march him out back. Cletus and Grey follow. Santino kinda looks confused. He shrugs and lights up a loose herbal cigarette.

EXT. JONES CAUSEWAY UNDERGROUND BAR (ABOVE GROUND)

Seth and Valentine roll up outside in the Plymouth, top down, looking stud like.

Valentine: Ain’t this the life! How do I look?

Seth: Like a lounge lizard?

Valentine: Damn straight.

They get out, enter the club and descend.

INT. JONES CAUSEWAY UNDERGROUND BAR

Lydia is serving drinks at a table near the door when she notices who is coming down the stairs and turns away and leaves the scene quickly. Valentine and Seth enter the club and walk through slowly, taking everything in, moving towards the bar.

Valentine: Well, hello…

He has spied a lithe blonde woman seated there. He makes a beeline for her. Seth follows uneasily. Valentine touches her shoulder. She turns to him and he slides his hand up and holds his index finger under her chin. It’s a very slick move and one that seems to earn her rapture. Seth raises an eyebrow. Not just from how cheesy he thinks the slick move was, but something else has clicked.

Valentine: Hi. I’m Marco.

Larisa: I know you from somewhere.

Seth: I know you from somewhere.

Valentine is wondering why the hell Seth followed him into the hunt.

Valentine: Of course you do, Seth. This is Larisa Ravinski. She is running as a candidate for party leadership, which will give her a presidential candidacy.

Larisa blushes a little.

Larisa: It’s mainly to raise my profile. I don’t think I have a great chance of winning.

Valentine: Nonsense. I for one will be voting for you.

Seth: No. I’ve seen you somewhere else…

Valentine (through gritted teeth): Seth, why don’t you go away and order yourself a drink?

Seth: …

He rolls his eyes and leaves. Valentine turns his attention back to Larisa.

Valentine: So… where was I?

A hand descends on his shoulder.

Melissa: Hi Marco.

Larisa recoils.

Valentine: Hi there… Melissa.

Valentine feels trapped.

Melissa: Wanna dance?

She doesn’t give him time to think, she just pulls him up and out. Larisa looks at her drink, sweeps back her hair, walks over to the payphone in the corner, and dials a number.

Larisa: You’ll never guess who just happened to show up.

BREAK

INT. CARD ROOM

Melissa, Santino and Valentine are seated and playing. Valentine is winning. Santino is pretty much cleaned out. Valentine wins the latest round.

Valentine: Hey, I’m bored. Let’s go dance some more.

Melissa smiles wanly. Valentine stands up.

Valentine: Coming or not?

Grey: Leaving so soon, Mr Valentine? But the fun has not even begun.

Foobar, Bob and Cletus troop in behind Grey.

Valentine: I’ve won enough.

Grey: Against the women. They are just amateurs.

Santino: Woman?

Valentine: That’s alright, really.

Grey: What? Gonna run out so soon? What’s wrong? Are you chicken?

Valentine sits back down.

Valentine: All right, you asked for it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Grey smiles.

Grey: Ok then. Bob, why don’t you get Loretta in here? We need some drinks.

Santino: Dude, can you like, spot me a couple hundred or – so-

Bob: Get out, bum.

Santino: Hey! Not a bum! Totally and completely on the other side of the body!

Grey: Sonny. Come on, for my sake, get back to the abr.

Santino: Okay dude.

Santino leaves. Bob exits. Grey takes a fresh pack and puts them into the card shuffling machine in the centre of the table.

Grey: Let the games begin.

INT. JONES CAUSEWAY UNDERGROUND BAR

Santino is stumbling about and bumps into Seth.

Seth: Whoa! You all right there?

Santino: No, not really.

Seth looks up and sees Bob heading got the bar and the barmaid. Seth pats Santino on the back.

Seth: Easy, man.

CUT TO:

Bob: Loretta! Hey, Loretta!

Lydia: Yes?

Bob: Mr Grey would like you to take our order.

Lydia: Ok.

They walk down. Lydia starts to walk in, sees Valentine, turns on her heel and walks away. Bob grabs her arm.

Bob: Where are you going?

Lydia: Oh, uh… I didn’t realise it was a special event.

Bob: Hey, it’s all right, you’ll get your cut this time.

He drags her in.

INT. CARD ROOM

Bob: Usual for me, Loretta. How’s it going boys?

Grey: Pretty much even winnings all round so far.

Bob: What’ll you all be drinking then?

Foobar: Usual.

Cletus: Usual.

Melissa: Usual.

Grey: How about we shake things up?

He puts the deck, which has an Aerosmith logo decoration on the back of the cards, in the shuffling machine.

Grey: Jameson with vodka and mint. Straight up.

He switches the machine on. Valentine turns to Lydia, and shows no recognition.

Valentine: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.

While Valentine’s head is turned, Grey flicks a hidden switch on the shuffler.

Grey: Time to raise the stakes.

Valentine: I’m comfortable where we are.

Grey: Oh come on, a man like you? Everyone knows you. Showing up in your classic car with your personal bodyguard. Women, (gesturing towards Melissa) they flock to your side. Tell me, is it true you once rammed an antique sword through Joseph Sha’arad’s chest?

Valentine: Our Lord and Fuhrer? Where in Tarkna did you pick up such a ridiculous notion?

Grey: I have friends at your new institution. Roy’s Palace?

Valentine doesn’t flinch.

Grey: All those in favour of raising the stakes? Raise your hands.

Everyone except Valentine raises their hand.

INT. JONES CAUSEWAY UNDERGROUND BAR

Lydia is pouring drinks. She pours the scotch on the rocks, then takes a pack of tablets from under the counter, pops one out and brings it to the glass.

Seth: Are you really going to feed that to him then?

Lydia: Seth!

Seth: What game are you playing here, Lydia?

Lydia: it’s got nothing to do with you… Incidentally, is it true? Have you openly declared a switch of allegiance? (Smirks) So you can see now where I was coming from? Oh, how the tables turn!

Seth: Whose side are you on these days then? I saw Brandon Grey in here with his gang. Are you running with him? Because I would’ve thought Prince had taught you better.

Lydia: I could say the same about you.

Santino grabs Seth from behind, bear-hugging him.

Lydia: It’s nothing personal.

She drops the tablet in the scotch and stirs as it fizzes and dissolves. Santino drags Seth out back.

OUT BACK

It’s raining. Santino throws Seth against a wall. Seth crumples and sits down and gets rained on.

Santino: And don’t come back.

He goes back in. Comes back out.

Santino: I’ll let you back in if you give me $100.

Seth: Sod off, you ape.

Santino goes back inside. Seth stands up, rubs his hair, worries that his nacy boy gel has been washed out.

Seth: Well. A perfect end to a perfect day.

He notices someone sobbing nearby.

Shaw: Please… I’ll- I’ll give you anything you want. Just… I- need more-

Seth: You all right there?

Shaw: No… not really. All my shares. All of them… and any laws. Anything! I’ll pass them. I just need more!

Seth: Mr Shaw?

Shaw: That’s me!?!

Seth: You were talking to Mr Valentine one time a couple of weeks ago.

Shaw: Valentine… yes! He works at Roy’s Palace too now!! They’ll come for him too!

Seth: Who?

Shaw: Can you – I need some (tries to get up) If you can get me some-

Seth grabs him, pulls him to his feet.

Seth: What?

Shaw: They- they make for someone – powerful. Here, in the real world (giggles) Red.

Seth: What did they do to you?

Shaw: Their drugs. I need them.

Seth: Drugs?

Shaw: Powerful… and beautiful… INEED –

Seth pushes Shaw to the side and takes a metal bar from his pocket.

INT. CARD ROOM

Lydia passes Valentine his drink. He looks at the base for a split second, intensely.

OUT BACK

Seth flicks out the bar, it telescopes into a spear. He brings it back and rams the door with it.

END – TO BE CONTINUED!!

Episode 22 preview

Valentine: The three most deadly perils for man to face aside from the wrath of women are drink, drugs and gambling. When you can’t control your urges, it’s not surprising when thing end in flames. How you then deal with those will set you apart. Next episode, Livin’ on the Edge.