| Random Thoughts |
| June 8, 2001 You know what? This sounds pompous, even horridly self-centered. . . . . but. . . . . why do I bother with guys? I mean Akari and I counted my "wait list" (haha. . . . whatever. . . . ok not really funny) ergh. . . . .that was Friday night. Saturday night I add 2 more to the list. . . . . there is at least 15 guys (there might be more but we accidentally forgot their name which is why we got the number 13 the first time, we forgot those two. Well actually we didn't really forget about one of them, we just assumed that he was gone. . . ) Anyways, I don't understand it all. I mean I believe everyone deserves a chance, so each of those 15 will get their chance. Fair is fair neh? But, I think I forgot what it feels like, you know, to be in love. Or even to like someone. I mean obviously I never know what I want, even though I've learned the hard way (Yes, I love you came to late several times). So why should I bother trying to understand these guys when I don't know what the result will be? It's like a supreme court judge who doesn't know a thing about tennis make a line call. 1. If the ball touches the littlest fraction of the line, is it in or out? Translated: If the line is my heart and the guy the tennis ball, how much of the line does he have to touch for him to be in? How much of my heart does he have to effect to make me commit? Well actually, in tennis, if the ball touches the tiniest fraction of the line then it is in. But, if I, the judge whom doesn't know anything about tennis, doesn't know this; then who am I to make the call? Who says my eyes would be on the tennis ball anyway? I mean really, just because one match is going on doesn't mean that I'll be watching. 2. Where do you draw the line between singles and doubles? Translated: When does you and I become we? When do I know that I'm tired of playing singles and want to join someone in a doubles match? When do I know I want a partner? And when I do want a partner, what kinds of weaknesses do I have that he can compensate for? Good question, what are my weaknesses? What kinds of strengths can he explify in me? Good question, what are my strengths? Can he set me up to hit a winner? In other words, would he help me achieve what I want to without getting in the way? So much to think about. . . . . . I had a guide once. . . . . He offered to teach me everything I'll ever need to know. . . . . . I was late for the lesson and he was gone. . . . . . . . . The question is, should I wait and hope he comes back. . . . . . . . But in his absense am I not already learning a lesson?. . . . . . . He won't come back. . . . . . . . . I was never really a worthy student. . . . . . . . . |
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| Here I am. . . . . . as someone refers to me the "Ice Lady". . . . . . . It's not my fault. Pearl Harbor just wasn't sad. . . . . . It just didn't work out. . . . . . I just don't feel that way. . . . . . if you haven't noticed I stopped talking about the movie a while ago. . . . . . No I just can't commit. . . . . . why not?. . . . . sure beats the heck out of me. . . . . I'm not scared. . . . . . I just can't do it. . . . . why? Why? WHY?. . . . .. . . . wait. . . . . why do I even have to? I don't have to. . . . . SO DON'T BOTHER ME!!!!!!!! |