| Title: Knowing Author: Ender Email: jjazman@email.msn.com Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Category: Unconventional, Tess/Valenti Author's Notes: Jim POV, follow-up to “Minefield” and “Setting the Trap” Rating: PG-13 Feedback: The more the merrier. Jim lay awake in bed, listening to the creaking sounds that his house made, listening to the soft, steady breathing of the girl lying in bed next to him. Her wavy blonde hair tickled his cheek. Her breath brushed across his shoulder. He wondered for about the billionth time how he’d let his life spin out of control like this. He wondered when it was going to all blow up in his face. He knew that he should wake Tess up and send her to her room. To Kyle’s room. His son who had absolutely no idea that his father was fooling around with the girl that he liked. His son who was supposed to be home soon. But Jim didn’t wake her. He let her sleep. He wondered if she was dreaming. Who would she dream about? Him? Max Evans? Kyle? He really didn’t know. There were moments when he could see her clearly, see the girl that she was, with all her faults and flaws and insecurities. But most of the time he felt like he was looking at her through a piece of warped glass, his perception blurred by his desire for her. He still didn’t really feel any shame for what had happened between them. The truth was, he didn’t really understand what had happened between them, what was still happening between them. He couldn’t see the situation any clearer than he could see Tess. It wavered in and out of focus. He knew that it wasn’t right. He knew he was breaking several laws just by lying here with her like this. He knew that if anybody found out, it would destroy everything he’d worked so hard for in his life--his job, his reputation in the community, his relationship with Amy, his relationship with Kyle. He knew he should stop this. He just wasn’t sure anymore if he could. It had been a week since the Christmas pageant, a week since he and Tess had made love for the first time. He’d tried to tell her the following morning that it had to stop, that it couldn’t happen again. She’d laughed at him and shown him that it could happen again. Then she’d cried for a half hour in his arms. Then he’d carried her to his room, and they’d made love again. They’d made love every night that week. Tess would wait until Kyle was asleep and then creep quietly down to Jim’s room. He was never asleep when she got there. He was waiting for her. He’d known even that first night that she would come for him. He wondered sometimes if she felt as out of control as he did. He never asked her about it, though. He didn’t know if it was better to think she was as helpless to control her desire as he was. Or if it was better to think that she might just be using him to get back at Max Evans. Tess murmured something in her sleep and moaned. She did that sometimes. He’d woken her up once and asked her what she was dreaming about. She just told him that she didn’t remember and then kissed him until he didn’t remember anymore. She moaned again and cried out. That was different. He reached over and gently shook her awake. Her eyes were wild, frightened. Her body was shaking. He heard himself whisper words of comfort and took her into his arms. “It’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay now.” Gradually her shaking stilled, but tears were sliding silently down her cheeks. He reached out and brushed them from her face. “Can you tell me what you were dreaming about?” He didn’t expect an answer. She never answered any of his questions. She’d smile at him and act as if she didn’t know what he was talking about. Or she’d kiss him until he stopped asking questions. But this time she did neither. “Fire.” It was only one word but it seemed to carry the weight of all the pain and loneliness that always seemed to linger just below the surface with her. God, sometimes he just wanted shake her until she talked to him, until she opened up and let him in. He wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to be alone. That he would be there for her. But he didn’t. Because it would be a lie. He couldn’t be there for her. He couldn’t hold her and listen to all her secrets and keep pretending that she was just an abandoned girl living in his house anymore. And she knew it. So this time he kissed her. He tried to comfort her with his body, knowing it wasn’t enough. Knowing it would never be enough. Knowing he was falling in love with her. Knowing that he had to end this soon. |