| PART 4 The dreams are starting again. They usually start around this time. I’m afraid to sleep, because I don’t want to relive it. I wish I could forget it. I wish it didn’t revisit me in my dreams. I thought the nightmares had stopped, but they only reoccur the week of my birthday. My birthday is in two days. Why wouldn’t they come back? It was all my fault. It happened on the week of my birthday. They come to me to tell me that they blame me. Why wouldn’t they? Alex used to haunt me in my dreams, but I guess he felt I paid for my sins. I still blame myself for his death. After all, if I'd never introduced him to the aliens he’d still be alive right now. Why did Max have to save me that day? Why couldn’t he let me die? Everyone who was important in my life died because of that one incident. I was probably supposed to die that day. His saving me caused the effects that are happening now. I’m so tired. I want to lie down and close my eyes and sleep, but I know once sleep comes over me my nightmares will be back. I’m afraid of them. I’ve avoided sleep for two days now, but I feel it catching up to me. I also can tell Michael is worried. He doesn’t say anything, but I see it in his eyes. I’m hoping I’ll get so exhausted that the dreams won’t come. I’m going to attempt to go to sleep. I’m hoping they’ll leave me alone just for tonight. Just for a little while. I close my journal and put it back in my hiding place. I carefully climb into bed. Scared and hopeful. Scared because I’m afraid the dreams will haunt me. Hopeful because maybe this one night I’ll be able to sleep. After a few minutes of tossing and turning, I fall asleep. That’s when the images bombard me. I thrash in my sleep trying to wake up, but I don’t. They come to me saying, "It’s your fault. If you hadn't insisted that we hurry, we’d still be alive. You were always selfish. You didn’t want to be alone on your birthday, so you made us promise to rush. If we'd taken our time like we planned we'd still be here. I scream, “I’m sorry.” I feel someone holding me down. I start thrashing. Trying to get the person away from me. I'm scared. Then I get images, different images. **Me working in the backroom./ Me staring out the window./ Me cleaning the tables./ In each image, I see sadness in my eyes.** Then they stop. I hear someone whisper, “I’m here. It’ll be okay. Shhh….” I realize it’s Michael’s voice. I start to calm down. He moves to get up, but I stop him. I don’t want to be left alone. I’m so scared. Tears start to run down my face. I turn my back to him, because I don’t want him to see me like this. I feel him climb into my bed next to me. He pulls me flush to his chest and holds me tightly while my sobs rake over my body. I fall into a deep dreamless sleep for the first time. |