Fear: Part Two

I hear my alarm clock, but I don’t want to wake up. Yohji can open the shop without me today. It is so warm here in my bed. I do not want to move. I start to drift off again, but I wonder who turned off the alarm. It shouldn’t just stop on its own. I open my eyes wide as I remember the details of last night. Yohji. I am in Yohji’s bed. I am not sure what to do. I wonder if it was a mistake. He was so kind to me last night. I was still so shaken from my encounter with Aya and Yohji just held me until I fell asleep. I think this is the first night in a long time that I didn’t have any nightmares.

I shiver when I think about Aya waiting for me downstairs. I wonder what he will say. I wonder what he will do. He doesn’t know, but I can’t do it again. I can’t ever let him do it again. Yohji says I don’t deserve it. I am not sure that I believe him, but I know that it causes Yohji pain and I don’t ever want to do anything to cause him pain again. I cringe as I hear a knock at the door. Oh no, what if it’s him? What if he comes in here? What if he sees? Oh my god.

No. It’s okay. It’s only Omi. Omi won’t say anything. He won’t pry. He is a good friend. I am glad that I can count on him.

I close my eyes again and hope that Yohji will just let me sleep. I know I am not being a good teammate, but I am afraid of what will happen when I go downstairs. Someone will ask about the bruise and I will laugh and say that I fell. They will believe me and they will laugh too. All of the girls will point and call me clumsy. I will smile shyly and shake my head. I will blink back a few tears and hope that no one notices. I will wonder when I became so weak. I will question whether I belong in this group anymore. I will realize that I have nowhere else to go.

I flinch and open my eyes again as a gentle hand touches my shoulder.

“KenKen.” Yohji says softly. I look up at him confused for a moment and then I smile. His eyes still have a trace of that look from last night. I know that he still cares. I sit up slowly and wince at the brightness of the light. A dull ache throbs behind my eyes and I lift my hand to my temple and close my eyes again. My hand touches the bruise cautiously. I look up and see Yohji looking at me with concern. I assure him that I am okay and he nods and tells me to get ready for work. He leaves me alone and heads down stairs.

After a few minutes, I wander back to my room and pull on some work clothes. I don’t know who will be in the shop today. I am sure that it will be a busy day as usual.

As I enter the shop I see Yohji flirting with a customer and trying to convince her that pink flowers suit her best. She seems convinced. I wonder how he does it. He flirts with every girl that comes in the shop. I always thought that meant something, but now I realize that is just another intricate part of his personality. I do not see any love in his eyes as he talks to the woman. He is pleasant and friendly, but it does not go beyond that.

My heart beats faster. I wonder how many people have seen that look in Yohji’s eyes. I hope that I am one of few. I know that he guards his heart preciously. I know that he is afraid of getting hurt, but I think that he is also afraid of being alone. I know what that is like. I guess that has something to do with the way that I feel about Aya. I don’t want him to be alone and I have always felt something for him. When this all began, I hoped that it could blossom into something more, but I soon realized that I was just another outlet for his anger. He did not love me, but he needed me somehow. I know now that it is not the same, but it is hard to see that sometimes. I always thought that things might change. I knew that I could not fight back. He is taller than me and stronger than me, but those weren’t the only reasons. I was afraid that I would be alone. I was afraid that if I rejected Aya I would no longer be a part of the group. I don’t know what I would do without this group. I live for them.

Another customer walks in. Yohji glances in my direction and I nod. He wants me to help her and I will. I will do anything for him. I feel my heart beat faster at that thought and I hope that the blush does not show on my cheeks as I point to a small bouquet on a nearby shelf. She likes it and she smiles. I take the flowers to the cash register and ring up her order. I wave goodbye to her and wish her luck.

The shop is quiet again. There are no customers. I take a deep breath and look around. I haven’t seen Aya yet this morning. I wonder if he is still in his room. I clasp my hands together and lean lightly on the counter. I try to look nonchalant. I try to act as if it doesn’t bother me. I imagine what it will be like when he comes downstairs. Will he glare at me? Probably, but that doesn’t really mean anything. He would do that anyway. I try to think of the worst possible situation so that I can be prepared for it. I see the shimmer of his katana in my mind’s eye and I shudder. Maybe I shouldn’t think about that right now.

I look up as I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. I glance warily at Yohji and he tries to reassure me with a shake of his head. I guess he doesn’t want me to worry, but I can’t help it. I wish that a customer would come in right now. It would give me something to do. It would distract me from his penetrating gaze. He is staring at me. I try to ignore it, but his violet eyes seem to draw me towards him. I look up as he walks to the counter and bends closer to my face. Long, delicate fingers lift my chin so that my eyes meet his and I decide not to resist. I see Yohji coming closer out of the corner of my eye, but I cannot keep my gaze off of Aya. There is something different about him. There is an uncertainty in the way he stands that I am not used to seeing. I pale as I see the anger in his eyes and I know that I am the target. Violet gems seem to burn with a fury meant only for me. He snatches his hand away from my face quickly and whispers something under his breath.

“I don’t need you.”

I am not sure if I heard him correctly. It seems like the kind of thing he might say, but I am puzzled by the tone that I heard in his voice. He seemed to be trying to convince himself more than anything else. I let out a shaky breath and close my eyes as the front door closes and I see Aya hurry down the street. I just stand there for a few moments trying to gather my senses. I lean into the warmth standing beside me and do not flinch as he runs his fingers through my hair.

“Yohji,” I say cautiously, “what are we going to do?”

I look up into his shining green eyes. He shifts his stance a little and I can tell that he has not thought this far ahead. “It doesn’t matter, KenKen. You don’t belong to him.” Yohji says the last words coldly and I wonder how much he really knows about the situation. I think maybe he has talked to Aya about this before.

I stare after him as he crosses the room to water the flowers over there. I can’t help but wonder about all of this. He looks a little more tense than he should. I find myself worrying about him. I find myself wishing that he had never known. I shake my head and turn back to a row of flower arrangements behind me. I move from one to the next carefully straightening crooked blooms and turning vases so that they face the customers properly. I guess he would have found out eventually. Maybe it’s better this way. The possibilities frighten me. I wonder how long this will last. I turn to look at him again and I admire the way that his hair falls across his cheek as he bends down to pick up a fallen petal. He loves me. My lips curve up slightly. I feel something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I don’t know if I would call it joy. I think that it has something to do with anticipation. I can almost remember what my life was like before Aya. I can almost remember how I felt before that first night. I think that it was something like this. I think I felt something like joy. I can remember light brown hair and jade-colored eyes greeting me and I can remember smiling. I can remember the time that Aya threatened me because I closed my eyes. I can remember what I saw and what I felt. Strong arms comforting me. A soft voice whispering my name. My fingers in light brown hair and running over smooth skin. I can remember the glimmer of green that filled my vision as I opened my eyes again and saw Aya. I can remember the pain and loneliness that I felt then. I don’t know what is happening to me. My hands are shaking again. I can remember it all. I don’t know how I ended up sitting on the floor with my knees drawn up close to me. I can still feel his hands on me. I don’t know why I am crying. I can still hear his words. I don’t know what to do. I am still fighting to push him away from me. I don’t want to open my eyes. I am afraid of what I will see. I know the glimmer in those violet orbs and it frightens me. I have to get away. I need to run, but I know he will not let me. I hear the shattering of glass as a vase falls to the ground and I shudder. He is standing over me. He will hit me again if I move. I feel someone touch my shoulder and I cry out. Please, no. Just go away, Aya. Please. I can’t seem to catch my breath. I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t know why I am crying. Warm tears run down my cheeks as I lean into a comforting embrace.

The darkness seems to beckon me from the depths of my memories. I am so cold. I know that I am shaking. I try to stop. I know that this can’t be real, but it is hard to convince myself. I open my eyes and analyze my surroundings wearily. I am so afraid that this has all been a dream. I am so afraid that I will see his face. Aya’s face. I will see the coldness in his eyes and the hate that burns deep within him. I will feel the emptiness that he feels. That’s what he wants and I know it. He wants to share the emptiness that haunts him. I shiver and try to keep from sobbing. I cling to the form kneeling before me. I am still so confused. It takes me a few moments to realize that Yohji is with me. For a second I wonder why he is here with Aya.

Then I remember the flowers. I was straightening a bouquet of roses. Red roses. Blood red roses. I fight to stay calm as the image swims before me again. I shake my head and look up into concerned green orbs and lay my head on Yohji’s shoulder. He says it will be alright. I stand up slowly and I think that I almost believe him. I am not sure. It will take a while. I don’t belong to Aya. That phrase echoes through my mind as he leads me to the back room and offers me something to drink. I take the steaming cup thankfully and marvel at the kindness that he shows towards me. I wince at the pain that I see in his gaze and I make a promise to myself to try to erase that hurt someday. It will be a difficult task, but I think that I am up to the challenge. He asks if I want him to stay with me, but I know that someone has to watch the shop and so I shake my head and gesture for him to go.

I am still feeling kind of lost, but things are becoming clearer. I am not sure exactly what happened to me out there, but I think that it was important. I know it will be hard to forget Aya, but I am glad that I have Yohji to help. Aya’s words come back to me as I lean against the cushions of the couch. I take a deep breath and say them to myself “I… don’t… I don’t need… you.” My voice comes out in a shaky whisper, but I have made a decision. I say it again with a little more assurance. “I don’t need you, Aya.” I can do this. I have to do this. For him. For Yohji. Because he loves me. Because he has always been there for me. Because I don’t belong to Aya. Because I think that I could be happy with Yohji. Because he loves me. Because I love him too.

[Part Three]

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