Fear: Part Three

I can’t seem to get to sleep. I stare at the blank whiteness of the ceiling above me and try to relax. It is not working. I lift my head slightly at the sound of someone moving around downstairs. I turn my head to the side and glance at my alarm clock. It is late. I don’t know who would be up at this hour. I slowly sit up in bed and push the tangled sheets away from me as I stand up and walk carefully to the door. I open it cautiously and peer into the hallway.

Darkness greets me and for a moment I think that maybe I am imagining things. I am about to turn back to my bed when I hear a voice from downstairs. I can’t tell exactly what the voice is saying, but he sounds angry. I don’t know who it could be.

I freeze when I hear a voice respond. There is no mistaking it this time. It is Aya. Is he just now getting home? What has he been doing all night? Is there someone down there with him?

I creep into the hallway. I am careful not to make a sound as I tiptoe down the hallway and towards the dim glow from the staircase. Moonlight pours from the hall window and shines down the stairs in a jagged line. There is a light on downstairs. It’s warm glow blends into the coolness of the moonlight.

I strain to hear some sort of sound from below. I hear footsteps. My heart is beating too quickly and I find myself taking quick shallow breaths. I place one hand on the wall in an effort to steady myself. I bend my head and close my eyes until I am able to focus on the situation at hand again. I wonder if I should return to my bedroom. I shake off the urge to run and continue to make my way down the hallway. I hear a voice again. This time the words are clearer. They are yelling.

“When did you start caring, Kudou?” The words are bitter and anger. They hang like jeweled icicles in the stillness of the night. I pause in my effort to descend the stairs and wait for a response. I find myself leaning closer to the sounds, hoping to hear Yohji’s voice. I feel myself wanting to run down there and put a stop to all of this. Somehow I can’t will my feet to move any further. I am frozen to the spot just five steps down from the top of the staircase. My hands are shaking again. I lift them cautiously and rake my hands through my hair. I shake my head and try to make sense of it all.

“I don’t want to fight about this tonight, Aya.” Yohji’s voice is calm and soothing. He is trying to diffuse the situation. I find myself smiling at that. I can picture him down there standing in front of Aya with his hands slightly raised and his emerald eyes sparkling with sincerity. I lean my head against the cool wall and close my eyes as I wait for a reply.

“Damn it! I’ll do whatever I goddamn please and you’ll stay out of it!” Those angry words pierce my heart. They are words that I have heard before. He has whispered those things in my ear as he ran his slender fingers over my face and through my hair. He made them infinitely clear as he clasped my wrists in his delicate, strong hands and held them down against the mattress. I clench my fists and fight back the images that flit across my vision briefly. I don’t want to think about that now. I don’t have to think about him anymore.

“Aya, listen…”

“Leave me the hell alone!”

The door slams and I hear the sound echo throughout the small shop. I clutch the edge of the stair I’m sitting on with both hands and bite my lip. Did he leave? Is he gone? I feel my muscles tense again as I hear footsteps coming towards the staircase. Is it Aya? Oh gods, what will he do if he sees me here? Would Yohji walk out like that?

I press myself up against the wall and stare wide-eyed at the emptiness on the landing of the staircase. This is too much. I’m not ready to face him just yet. I will be soon, but not right now. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.

I frantically push myself up against the wall in an effort to make myself invisible as the footsteps get closer. They are careful and measured as if the person is uncertain about something. I don’t have time to analyze that. I have to get out of here. I hear a sob escape my lips and I start to panic. I can’t cry in front of him. I can’t let him know what he does to me. I don’t seem to be in control anymore as my arms and legs rush hurriedly to hide me from his gaze. I bring my knees up closer to my face and I stare with wide eyes at the shadow that is slowly creeping towards me. The silhouette is just about to round the corner. I try to keep perfectly still. I do not even breathe as the figure makes it’s way up the staircase. I fight back a choking sob as the moonlight spills onto the figure’s face and reveals light brown hair and a familiar face.

Relief washes over me in waves as the face comes into focus and I realize that it is Yohji. He bends closer to me and whispers something about everything being okay now. He tells me not to worry. He reaches out a hand to help me up and I take it gratefully. We ascend the rest of the stairs together and he leads me back to my room.

There are so many things I want to ask him. I need to know what they were fighting about. I need to know why Aya was so angry. I need to know so many things, but I can’t seem to find the words as I look up into his gentle gaze and fall into an embrace. He holds me close and brings one hand up to brush my dark bangs away from my face. I lean into the touch. I want this so much.

“KenKen…” I smile at the familiar nickname. I love the way he says me name. I look down briefly at the floor before I meet his gaze and feel my lips curving up into something close to a smile. I see his eyes light up at this and I know that I have done the right thing. I smile a little more broadly and he reaches out to wind one arm around my shoulder. He presses me close to him and I lean my head into the space below his chin. He rests his head on top of mine and we stand like that for a few moments. I feel my eyelids drooping and I know that I will be able to fall asleep tonight. He pulls away and kisses me on the forehead and then the cheek before he gestures for me to go back to bed.

“Arigatou.” I whisper as he closes the door to my room. He shakes his head and smiles. I guess that is his way of saying that I don’t need to thank him. I disagree. He has done so much for me. He has given me back something that I never thought I would ever find again. I lean against the hard surface of the door for a few minutes and think about what all of this means. I wonder how long it will last. I can still feel the warmth of his breath against my neck and when I close my eyes all I see is the comforting view of his gaze. I take a deep breath and push aside the butterflies in my stomach.

There is something unmistakably right about this. It’s something that I can’t exactly explain, but I need to. I need to let Yohji know what he means to me. I need to tell him how much he has given me. I need to make him see. I stumble back to my bed with these thoughts dancing through my head and I do not worry about the morning. I lay my head on my pillow and let myself drift off to sleep with Yohji’s name on my lips and an indescribable emotion swirling around in the pit of my stomach. There is fear there, but there is also something else. Something that I am almost afraid to name, but something that I have admitted to myself a long time ago. Now I will finally get the chance to show him. I can finally tell him.

Kudou Yohji. Someday, I will thank you for all of this. I will hold you in my arms without hesitation and I will tell you that I love you in a strong clear voice, but until then thank you for understanding and being patient. I know that it can’t be easy for you, but I am forever grateful. Aishitteru.



[Part Four]

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