Fear: Part Four

We are on a mission tonight. It is not a difficult one. In fact, it should be relatively simple. A few quick movements and the targets will fall. Now all we have to do is find them. There is no doubt that they are in this building. They could not have escaped. All of the exits have been monitored. We will find them soon enough and collect payment for the evils that they have unleashed on the world. Soon enough, they will pay in blood.

I follow behind my teammates and glance back to make sure that we are not being followed. I hear the sound of a struggle before I round the corner. We have found them. The two executives cower in a corner as we come up to face them. I stand back slightly and decide to guard the door. My help is not needed. They have no weapons that would be effective against Yohji’s wire or Aya’s katana.

I am glad that Omi is keeping a close watch on the building from the outside. He’s always been the one to mess with the security cameras and use them to our advantage.

I stare at the scene before me in fascination. Aya moves with such grace and precision as he brings his sword down to slice through his victim. The victim clutches his wound briefly before collapsing to the ground in a puddle of crimson. There is almost beauty in the way that Aya fights. I stare at his pale hands as he repositions his katana in a defensive position and turns away from the target. It is hard to believe that hands like those could also hold such cruelty.

I know that doesn’t make much sense. Murder is inherently cruel, I suppose, but somehow his actions do not remind me of the pain or manipulation I used to feel at his hands. Those were different emotions entirely. This dichotomy only serves to reaffirm my belief that that was not him. All of those nights, that anguish, it was not him. It could not be him. Maybe the coldness trapped deep within his heart finally found away to reveal itself, but not Aya. That was not the Aya who used to laugh with his imouto or the one who could carefully arrange a bouquet of roses in order to bring a smile to a young woman’s face. That man, so many nights ago, so few nights ago, was not the real Aya. It was not Ran.

I step back slightly and shake my head. I cannot allow myself to be so distracted during a mission. He is staring at me with disdain as he brushes past me and walks out into the darkness of the corridor. For a moment violet eyes meet mine and I am frozen to the spot. I quickly regain control and follow behind Yohji as we sneak down the hallway in search of the exit. It is not too far. The mission is almost over.

I hear a loud noise behind me and I freeze. We all turn to gaze in that direction and break into a run when we see a group of angry men standing at the other end of the corridor. They have not seen us yet. We must hurry before we are seen. The radio crackles with static and I hear Omi telling us to escape. Someone is coming. We have to get out of here. We reach an open area and decide to split up. There is less of a chance that we will be caught if they cannot find all of us. We will meet outside.

I dart into a random office as I hear footsteps behind me. I press myself up against the wall and peer through the window cautiously hoping that I will not be seen. The man pauses near the door and looks around, but he does not come inside. I breathe a sigh of relief and head back into the hallway. I go back the way I came. I saw an exit nearby. I can make it there if I am careful.

I hear gunshots and I draw in a sharp breath as loud voices echo to my left. The exit is to my right. I should not worry about the others. They can handle things on their own. My job is to get out of here. I start to turn to the left when I hear a ragged breath on the radio. It is Aya. “Help…”

It sounds so desperate. It is not the kind of thing that I would expect him to say. He is usually so professional and cold during a mission. My heart is beating faster as I rush down the hallway to my right. Now I am sure that it was Aya that these guys were after. I hope that Yohji made it out okay. Now I have to help Aya.

I rush into the situation without pausing to assess the situation. I know it is foolish, but I need the element of surprise. Without it I am outnumbered and at a clear disadvantage. I glimpse a brief flash of red hair that assures me that Aya is nearby before I swing my claw in a wide arc taking down two men with one swipe. I hear the sound of flesh tearing and smell the blood as it pools at my feet.

Aya is pinned up against the wall. He is bleeding and he looks deathly pale. I clench my jaw and turn to face the final attacker. He is grinning as he raises his gun to aim at me, but he is too slow. I thrust my claws into his chest in one quick motion. His eyes widen briefly before he falls to the ground with a harsh thud.

I glance about the room and see no less than six others lying there. They must have all found Aya somehow. I walk up to him. He is leaning against the wall and taking ragged breaths. His face is drained of color and I gasp when I see the blood from a wound on his shoulder. I reach out and put a hand on his other shoulder. He jumps as if he did not know I was there. Violet eyes meet mine for an instant and widen before he lowers his head and whispers. “Gomen ne.”

I shake my head and tell him everything will be all right. He leans heavily on me as we struggle to make it back to the others. He is limping slightly and I hold on to him tightly to make sure he does not fall. His words echo in my thoughts as we slowly make our way down the hallway. I pray that there are no more attackers. I know that we would not be able to run away. Not with Aya in this condition and I will not leave him.

Gomen ne. What was he apologizing for? Maybe he was just sorry that he hadn’t been able to handle the men on his own. That would make sense, but I am not sure. There was something in his voice that makes me feel like he meant it another way. It seemed so sad and regretful. He keeps one arm around my waist and leans most of his weight onto me. I pull him closer to me. I somehow feel a desperate need to hold on to him. I am afraid that he will slip away if I don’t.

I see the exit and breathe a sigh of relief. I hope that Yohji and Omi are waiting just outside. I smile when I see them and I can tell that they are relieved to see us. We stumble towards the car and I feel Aya lose his delicate grip on consciousness just before we reach the door. I reach out to catch him and cradle his limp form in my arms. I keep him close to me the entire ride home.

Yohji and Omi assure me that he will be fine. They say it doesn’t look serious. I stroke his fiery hair in the back seat and run my fingers over his face. It is so calm and still. I feel like I am holding a fragile porcelain doll. Ivory skin contrasts with the dark red blood that seeps through his clothing in a sickeningly shiny stain.

We are home now. I stand back against the wall as Yohji and Omi work on Aya’s wounds. I am feeling kind of lost tonight. His blood is still on my hands and I have no desire to clean it off right now. I sink down into a sitting position and stare blankly at the scene before me. I feel like I am not really here. I feel like this has all been a terrible nightmare and I am afraid that any minute now I will wake up only to find a worse one. I shiver at the thought and bring my knees up closer to my chest. I wrap my arms around them loosely and rest my chin there.

Yohji is busy wrapping Aya’s wounds and Omi is putting ice on his ankle. It looks like he will be all right. He didn’t lose that much blood and the bullet only grazed his shoulder. His ankle is swollen but there doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. It is probably just a sprain.

I feel relief wash over me in waves as I contemplate the scene before me. His words still haunt me. I don’t know why. I am probably just reading too much into things. He has been so distant lately, but he hasn’t glared at me for a long time and he doesn’t yell at Yohji anymore. I was actually thinking that things were looking better. I wanted to thank him somehow, but I never knew how. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it does mean a lot to me. It makes me think that maybe the real Aya is coming back. The one without the bitterness or the hate.

Well, I guess we all have some of that or we wouldn’t be Weiss, but I’ve always felt there was more to Aya than he let on. There is something pure and innocent about him that I have occasionally glimpsed in his eyes. I see it sometimes in the flower shop, when he bends down to greet a small child who seems to be frightened of something or the horror I saw sometimes as I pulled away from his embrace and stumbled back to my room in the darkness.

I look up briefly as I realize that something is going on. They are finished now. Yohji walks over to me and offers me a hand to help me up. I take a deep breath and pull myself to my feet. I am very tired. Yohji asks me if I am okay and I nod. I can’t find the words right now to describe how I am feeling. It is always difficult to come home when one of us has been injured, even if it is only a minor wound. The house seems so quiet and still without four sets of footsteps wandering and struggling to find their place in the world.

The sun is starting to come up. I hadn’t realized that it was so late. How long have I been sitting here? Yohji smiles at me and ruffles my hair playfully, but I can see that he is tired as well. “Omi is taking the first watch.” Yohji says quietly as we walk down the hall.

As we lay down together, it does not take me long to drift off. I go to sleep in his arms. My eyes flutter closed and I am met with the image of violet eyes staring back at me and the sound of Aya’s voice. The next thing I know, Yohji is shaking me gently. He says I was having a nightmare. I blink a few times and try to focus on his face in the darkness. It takes me a moment to find his gentle smile amidst the dimness, but when I do, it pushes past the remnants of my dream and I reach out to pull him closer to me. He softly kisses the top of my head and I bury my face in the warmth of his chest.

Time passes quickly and I am not really sure if I fell asleep again, but eventually Yohji pulls away and says that it is his turn to watch over Aya. I reach after him in a vain attempt to keep him here beside me. I don’t want him to leave, but my eyelids fall closed before I can voice the protest. I drift fitfully in and out of dark dreams until it is my turn.

Yohji goes to make some coffee as I sit rigidly in the small chair that has been pulled up beside Aya’s bed. He looks so alone lying beneath stark white sheets. I feel my hands shaking again. This room brings back so many memories. They swirl around me like unwanted ghosts. They don’t fit within this reality. I am no longer visiting this room for the same reasons. This is so different. I feel myself slipping away as I recall those nights. I need something to hold on to. I am so cold.

I pick up Aya’s hand and hold it awkwardly at first. I feel his smooth skin brush against mine and I shiver again. I try to remember the last time I have held his hand like this, but I can’t think of a time.

I lean forward to peer closer at the face before me. He looks so peaceful and relaxed. It seems like he is just sleeping. I am sure that he will wake up soon and Omi and Yohji have assured me that everything will be all right, but I stare at his face nonetheless. I rarely get the opportunity to do this. I reach out with a shaking hand to brush a stray lock of hair from his face. My hand lingers there for a little longer than it should. I brush my hand against his cheek and shake my head. I swallow hard and take a shallow breath as I pull my hand away.

The image blurs before me as I feel tears start to fill my eyes. They linger there for a few moments until I try to blink them back. I can’t. They fall down my cheeks and I frantically try to wipe them away. I try to hold myself very still and take slow calming breaths. I can’t cry here. I don’t want him to wake up and see me like this. The thought brings more tears to my eyes and I lean forward to bury my face in my hands.

I rock slightly as the tears pour down my cheeks. I am still trying to contain my sobs, but they break free in quiet choking sounds that I bit my lip to restrain. I don’t know why I am crying. If I knew, maybe I could do something about it. I think it has something to do with the mission. I saw something tonight that scared me and made me terribly sad at the same time. I saw Aya. I think for a moment I saw Aya as he could have been – as he should have been – without the pain, without the guilt, without the cruelty. I glance up to see his face again and bring my hand up to my mouth.

What might have been, Aya? I shake my head and try to stop the sobs, but I can’t control them anymore. I bend my head and close my eyes as I give in to the sadness and pain spinning around in my soul. I look up as I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder. It’s Yohji. I guess he came to check on me. My eyes ask questions that I know that he cannot answer. I am so ashamed for doing this to him. I never meant to make him worry. He leans closer to me and wraps his arms around me loosely. I bury my face in the soft warmth of his shoulder and struggle to stop the tears. My hands grasp the folds of his loose cotton shirt and I feel him run his hands through my hair.

I am amazed by these kind gestures. A part of me wants to pull away and ask him why. A part of me wants to scream at him and demand to know how he could possibly care about me at all. But another part of me feels safe in his arms and sees the sincerity and tenderness in his gentle gaze and knows that he would never lie to me. This side wins out and I lift my head to look up at his expression. His hand moves across my face to brush away the tears. I close my eyes and let him do it, but I shudder slightly. This kind of affection is so foreign to me. It scares me more than I will ever let him know. It scares me that I may never be able to understand it and that it isn’t meant to be understood.

“Are you going to be okay?” He asks.

“Hai.” I answer calmly nodding my head to reassure him.

“Why don’t you go get some rest?” He insists as he squeezes my shoulder lightly.

“Ie. I want to stay a little longer.” He shoots me a wary look and I know that he thinks it is a bad idea. “Please.” I offer simply. It is not much of an argument, but it is all I have.

“Alright, but call me if you need anything.” He finally agrees.

I nod slowly and watch him as he heads toward the door. He pauses before closing it and gives me one last reassurance. “Everything will be okay, KenKen.”

I close my eyes briefly and my grip on the chair tightens until my knuckles whiten, but I nod again and he leaves. I take a deep breath. I feel so empty. There are no more tears. I wonder if this is how Aya feels. I wonder if he has cried.

I lean back a little in my chair and clasp my hands together in my lap. I stare at him. I watch the way his chest moves slowly up and down as he breathes and I marvel at the sharp contrast between his fiery hair and the paleness of his skin. I recall the deep purple of his eyes and find that I am unable to compare their shade to anything else I have ever seen.

I take in a sharp breath as I see his eyelashes flutter slightly. My eyes focus on those eyelids and I wait. I move to the edge of my seat and wait for that cold violet gaze to penetrate my soul. I have no doubt that I will see it. I wait for the icy look and the accusing glare that usually accompanies it. For a moment, I feel like I have done something horribly wrong. I lean forward slightly and tense with anticipation. I wait for the punishment that I know I deserve. I wait for the anger and hatred that I expect to see when Aya opens his eyes. Dull purple eyes reveal themselves slowly as Aya carefully opens his eyes. They have lost some of their light. I wonder why I have never noticed it before. He lifts his head slightly and his lips part for a moment as if he is trying to say something. I am at his side almost immediately. All of my fears and doubts are put on hold as I focus on the situation before me.

“How are you feeling Aya?” My forehead creases in worry and he nods almost imperceptibly. He is struggling to say something and I am not sure what it is. I lean closer and wait for him to find the words.

“Why?” he says hoarsely. The sound is barely above a whisper. I raise my eyebrow in confusion. I don’t understand what he is asking. He raises his hand a little and gestures at his surroundings. “Why did you save me?”

A stillness hangs in the room as he awaits my response. I am stunned by the question. Did he really expect that I wouldn’t come? I feel my expression soften a little at this realization. My lips curve up in a sympathetic smile and my eyes shine with understanding. I cautiously reach out and take his hand in mine. I hold it loosely and he does not pull away. I bite my lip. I had never expected it to be this hard, but I need to tell him. I have wanted to tell him this one thing for so long. Maybe everything will be all right if I can just find the right words. I look down at my hand on his and I take in a hesitant breath. My voice shakes and my next words are filled with a pain that I didn’t even know I held. “You deserve a second chance.”

Somehow I can’t hate him. Even after all he has done. Even after everything he has taken from me. My heart aches for him as I see him turn away and he pulls his hand from my grasp.

“I don’t deserve anything.” He says harshly, but there is pain in his voice too. I hear it in the way his voice wavers on the last word and I see him clench his fists around the white sheets at his sides.

I search for the words to make him understand. I wish that Yohji were here. He would know what to say. I tilt my head a little and look at him sincerely as he glances over at me again. My heart is beating quickly and I find it difficult to breath as I say the next words. They are so important and yet I have no idea how I am going to phrase it until the words leave my lips. “Promise me something, Aya. Don’t give up on yourself so easily.”

I stand up and bend closer to him to adjust the sheets and make sure that he is comfortable. I inspect the bandages cautiously and then look into his eyes one more time. He is looking up at me as if he has just seen a ghost. His eyes are wide and disbelieving. I swallow and close my eyes briefly before I squeeze his hand one more time and breathe one more word. “Promise?”

I try to make it sound lighter than it is, but the stillness in the room betrays my intentions. I need him to understand this or neither of us will ever move on with our lives. I need to do this for him, for Yohji and for myself. I stand up and start to turn towards the door. It doesn’t seem like I am going to get a response out of him tonight. I sigh softly in defeat and try to convince myself that it doesn’t matter.

“Hai.” I turn back toward the figure lying in bed almost unsure that I heard a sound. He turns away at my gaze, but I watch in awe as he continues. “I promise.” He says softly.

I am frozen to the spot. The world has disappeared around me and all I can see is those violet eyes framed by pale skin as delicate lashes come down to cover them briefly. I grasp the back of the chair in an effort to stable myself. I blink in uncertainty as I fight to regain control and say something in response. “I’ll leave you alone now. You need your rest. Call if you need anything.”

He nods and I back out of the room closing the door behind me cautiously. In the hallway, I lean against the wall opposite of his room and breathe a sigh of relief. I smile. I can’t help it. A torrent of emotions is struggling within my soul yearning to break free. I almost can’t decide how I should feel. My knees feel weak and weariness is starting to take over. I glance at the darkness of my room and the dim light coming from the kitchen below.

I waver between elation and sorrow as I feel a bright new emotion soar within my heart. It is something that I almost do not recognize. It has been so long and yet it feels familiar. It tugs at my thoughts and gleams with possibilities. Hope. I can almost see a future here. I can almost understand. I can almost believe that everything will be okay. I push myself away from the wall and glance towards my room briefly before heading towards the staircase. I want to see Yohji. He is waiting for me downstairs.

Hope is a funny thing. It is not so different from fear. Hope is fragile and waits just beyond the edge of reality. It beckons from the darkness just beyond your reach. I am so afraid that I will never be able to reach out and touch it. I will lose it before I am able to fully understand it. It will fade from my memory like the images of a distant dream as the dawn comes to wake me from a fitful slumber. But I will try and that is all I can ever do. Hope. Yohji, I’m coming.

~OWARI~

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