No Need

They're kissing again.

Behind the counter. Omi doesn't seem to notice. He's too busy looking out the window waiting for that Schwarz brat to walk by. Then he can just happen to walk out at the same time...and then they can happen to end up at the same apartment...same bedroom...

...damn what a coincidence I'll tell you.

He thinks I don't know that they're together. He thinks I'd get angry. He thinks I'm a moron who doesn't notice what he does.

Well I'm not.

I look around at my teammates. They think they have me all figured out don't they? They think all I care about is my sister and revenge. Do they really think I'm that simple?

They're still kissing

I try to concentrate on the arrangement in front of me. I wish some girl would come in so they'd stop. I wish they knew how much this hurts. Would they even stop for me then? Would they believe I felt anything at all? Just because I don't like to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not, doesn't mean I'm an icicle or something. I'm the most human of all of them when you really think about it. I don't hide my pain. It's right here for all to see. And you know what? I don't give a shit if that makes people uncomfortable. I'm not going to bottle something up to make someone else feel better.

I really thought you were my key to happiness. I thought you could make me truly happy - that you could turn my life around. But I was afraid to tell you. Why I'd be afraid of a baka like you is beyond me, but every time you looked at me my stomach would twist into thousands of knots, and then I'd be cruel to you. I was angry that you could do this to me. I was angry that you had this affect on me. I loved you and I hated you.

I should have said something. But my chance is gone, and now you're right there kissing him - and killing me.

You tried to be nice to me, you're nice to everybody. But nobody is nice to me. God, you had such pretty eyes...

Did you know that I used to sit and watch you play soccer with the kids? I did every time I had a chance. It always made me so happy to see you out there, having the time of your life. Getting so much joy out of such a small thing. I wished that I could be the same way. Then I noticed how he started showing up to watch ,except he'd sit right on the edge of the field smiling, instead of behind the trees like me. And then he would come up to you after you were done to talk. I started to see how your eyes lit up when he strolled up to the field...and then how you began to blush....how you began to stand closer to him...how he began to touch your arm.... I knew I was losing my chance. But I kept telling myself that I was imagining things. That it would never happen.

But I am being reminded again how foolish I am, as you both kiss in front of me. You look so comfortable in his arms, so happy with your fingers laced in his golden hair. I can feel my eyes narrow and I hide them behind the white roses, pretending not to see.

It hurts to see you kiss, but not as much as the first time. The time when I was watching you as usual on the field, and I felt myself smile. I hadn't smiled in so long, I'd almost forgot how it felt. I realized then that you were the only person that would make me happy. I stood up, finally ready to tell you.

But then I saw him walking towards you and I froze in place. You two seemed to be in an argument about something, your arms flailing wildly as you shouted at him. I was too far away to hear anything clearly.

But then, in the middle of your shouting, he kissed you. He just grabbed you and kissed you like that. No reason to...he just did it. I stood there in total shock, and so did you I guess, your mouth was hanging open like a fish. I would have laughed if I wasn't too busy trying to slow down my panicked breaths.

"I love you."

I saw his mouth form the words, and my heart stopped. I waited for you to reply. I fantasized that you would say you already were in love - with me.

You didn't reply though, you burst into tears instead - tears of joy. Joy that I then realized I could never give you the way this man did. I felt my heart shatter as you kissed him in the soccer field under the darkening sky. Funny, we were both crying weren't we? Just in different ways.

God, I wish they would stop.

"Get a room!" I find myself blurting out. The two of you stop and look over at me with surprised eyes. Omi giggles behind me. I find a blush creeping up my cheeks, my stomach still twisting a the sight of that chocolate gaze.

"Getting a little too hot for you Aya?" Yohji smirks at me. I glare at him and then look down at my feet, anger welling up inside of me.

"...I just don't want the customers to see." I say lamely. I just don't want me to see.

"Fine." Yohji smiles sweetly at me. Such a change from his usual sneer. You've changed him too, I see. His eyes are filled with love as he looks down upon you.

I hate him.

"..let's move this to the back room KenKen." he says winking as he turns around and heads towards the supply room.

"Yohji!" you cry as you turn a bright crimson and give me an apologetic glance. "We need to work!"

"We'll be okay here! It's not that long till closing time anyway." I turn to see Omi smiling brightly. "Just don't break anything."

I hate you too, Omi.

"Arigato!" Yohji calls, already in the back room. "Coming KenKen?"

"Yeah...yeah..." you say as you rub the back of your neck in embarrassment. You grin sheepishly at us and head towards the back room also.

"Ken?" I croak. You freeze and slowly turn around. Funny, you almost seem to be afraid of me.

"Yes, Aya?" You look expectantly at me.

I love you, Ken. I love you so much. You are so beautiful. You could make me so happy...

"Nothing."

I look down at the flowers again but steal a glance at you from underneath my long bangs. You stare quizzically at me for a moment, a small pout on your face making you look more adorable than ever. But I can't think that anymore. Because you aren't mine. And I will never have you. You shrug and walk to the supply room, shutting the door softly behind you.

"They're so cute together!" Omi gushes, staring at me with happy eyes. "I've never seen a more perfect couple. They really found what they needed didn't they?"

"Whatever." I think I'm going to vomit.

"You're so cold Aya! You should really try and smile sometime!"

I stare at him and reply only with silence. He sighs and shakes his head at me, like he knows what I'm thinking.

But he doesn't.

He glances out the window. I see the Schwarz boy standing across the busy street, pretending to be lost.

"I think I'm going to take a walk Aya! Do you mind?" he says quickly, already slipping into his coat.

"Do I have a choice?" I say flatly. He doesn't even hear me. He's already halfway out the door, practically running over to the kid. Look at him. Seventeen and he already has somebody. I'm the only one left. But that's fine. I don't need anyone really. I'm fine by myself.

Really. I'm fine.

Why am I crying?

I don't need anyone. I don't need anyone at all.

And I won't have anyone. I never will.

And that is the way it's going to be - my last chance at happiness kissing his true love in the next room.

I don't need happiness. I have no need for you.

I really wish I would stop crying.

***

[The Archives]

[Mayfly]