(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)

(HEARTFELT MUSIC)

GK: It's a delicate question that every family has to face sooner or later…..

SS: Should we get a cat? Or would it be too much trouble?

GK: On the one hand, there's the bother. The uncle who's allergic.

TR: (GASPING, SINUSES FULL): Nice to see you again. Guess I'll be heading home.

GK: The housekeeping issues.

SS: WHOSE TURN IS IT TO EMPTY THE CAT POOP?

GK: The damage to furniture.

TR: (AGHAST) : My chair…my antique chair ----

GK: The complications whenever you have to go away…..

SS: Okay. My dad'll come and feed her Monday and Tuesday, and Wednesday your mom….then Aunt Bella has Thursday through Sunday, and then she goes to the Kitty Ritz for a week ---

TR: How much is the Kitty Ritz?

SS: I don't want to talk about it, okay? (MUSIC)

GK: And then thee are the medical problems.

TR (DOCTOR): In situations like this, Julie, we would definitely recommend a CAT scan.

GK: And the hairballs of course. (CAT GAGGING) But then there's the positive side. (MUSIC) All those times when it feels so good to have someone around. (MEOW)

TR: Hi, babes. (PURR) Good old cat. (PURR) (TR WEEPY) Doggone it. So good to come home and find somebody who's glad to see me….(MEOW) Boy, what a day. (SIGH) (MEOW) You're all I've got, Puff. (MEOW)

GK: A cat should you get one or not? It's a big question. Your child probably wants one.

SS (KID): Can we take him home? Can we? Please?

GK: And studies show that a cat helps your child's socialization process and develops empathy and compassion - that in a home with no pets, a child's emotional growth may be so stunted, so that when she's sixteen, ----

SS (TEEN): Outta my way, Mom, I hate you and everything you stand for.

TR (LADY): Oh honey. Your entire body covered with vulgar tattoos! And that ring in your forehead!!

SS (TEEN): I hate you, you are so utterly clueless!

TR (LADY): Oh dear. And the medications aren't doing the trick either, are they?

SS (TEEN): You are so ---- pitiful!

TR (LADY): Oh dear. Maybe we should've bought you that kitty cat. (SOFT BRIDGE)

GK: Maybe you should have. Sure, it's a bother. But if a kitty cat can keep your child from growing up to become a savage barbarian, maybe it's worth it. (MEOW) A message from Bertha's Kitty Boutique. (BKB JINGLE, GK SINGS:

Oh, if you keep a cat, or keep two or three,
You know cats are creatures too like you and me,
And have needs, as we do, and if they could speak,
They'd say I need some stuff from Bertha's Kitty Boutique.
(BUTTON)

© Garrison Keillor 2001