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From "Henk the Flyer's Joke Time".
Henk tells us a joke in English every lesson. Here are the written versions:
A
man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and
shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "I'm sure every-thing you told
me is,
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and
the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where
you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you
to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you
were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
19
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you
want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been
waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!
" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word
with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters.They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
" The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four (This is actually true!)
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired. Several years later the company
contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multimillion-dollar jet engines. They had
tried everything and everyone else to get the engine to work but
to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved
so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly
took the challenge. He spent two weeks studying the drawings for
the design, and then he spent a day studying the huge engine. At
the end of the day, he marked a small 'x' in chalk on a
particular component of the engine end stated, "This is where your problem
is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service.
They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" the others asked. The engineer: "Yeah. If you have a
wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with
the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss
me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do
ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for
a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The
engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a
way you don't understand.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's the way they did it last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a map the wrong way.
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...
You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
At the air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You sit backwards on Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
You know what "~ilt;http//>" stands for.
You look forward to Christmas so you can put all the kids' toys together.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
Your spouse doesn't have the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
You've tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
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