Part One

I sighed as I rolled over in bed and rubbed his eyes. I glared at the clock that read 12:34 am.

Then sat up and smacked myself.

“This isn’t healthy,” I muttered, resting my head on my bent knees. “Jo will start worrying....”

But I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep.

So I got up and walked into the bathroom and stared at myself for a while in the mirror, finally getting too depressed with that, and splashing a little water on my face and taking my pills.

“Well, it’s not like Jo never had his problems,” I muttered, swallowing pills. “He was the one who was anorexic, not me....”

But I knew I couldn’t think that way for long. Jo is everything to me. I feel sorry for him. He was hated as a little kid by, well, everyone around him because he was an obese child, spoiled from birth because he was an only child. Even his parents found him a disgrace.

When he finally got out in the world, he found that he still could never find anyone, and he was banking all his hope upon the fact that the real world would be different. People would see him for who he was.

But his first few experiences didn’t go so hot, like all relationships, so he freaked and began to starve himself to be thin, thinking it was the only way he could get love.

Even now, it still affected him. He was doing it for five years by the time someone figured it out and sent him to a doctor. He underwent serious therapy, art therapy, and even now his metabolism is so messed up he has to constantly eat to get any weight what so ever.

“Poor Jo.... Jeez, Chris, you’re just a brat, that’s all. You think it’s bad when you get nightmares and have sleep deprivation and when you’re on 60 mgs of anti-depressant and you want a baby and can’t have one. Chris, your a loser, you know that? There are hundreds more people with problems so much worse than yours are! You are selfish just to think of yourself!”

“Chris?” I heard Jo mumbled as he stumbled into the bathroom.

“Jo, go back to bed. It’s midnight. You need your sleep.”

“Come back with me,” he muttered stubbornly.

“You know I--”

“You need your sleep too,” he argued.

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.

“Besides,” he spoke, suddenly seeming a little more awake. “You just come in here and harass yourself and I don’t like it. It’s not healthy. I know.”

I really couldn’t argue.

“I can’t go back to sleep.”

Jo wrapped his arm around my waist and lead e back to the bed, settling down on it.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on? Obviously something’s bothering you. Dreams are sometimes a way to take things out. I think that’s what you’re doing, Chris.”

We sat in silence for a while.

“If you don’t want to, then I can wait. Even if it’s forever,” he murmured with sorrow deep in his voice. “I can wait for the one I love....”

“Oh stop it! You make me sound so awful!”

“I’m not trying to! I’m just talking! Telling you how I feel about it!”

“But you make me sound so bad! I love you, Jo! I love you but I can’t--”

“I know, Chris. You don’t have to say anything. I love you. I’ll give you your space. But you have to understand why I’m sad. I don’t want to lose you like I did everyone else....”

I was silent. I knew....

I was one who hurt Jo so bad, once....

“You don’t have to say anything. You don’t even have to fall asleep. I just want you to lie next to me. I like to feel your warmth. I like to know you’re there.”

I really couldn’t turn him down, so we crawled back into bed and Jo wrapped his arms around me, playing with my hair as he drifted off.

And I snuggled into Jo’s chest and gave it a small kiss, trying to somehow show him how much I truly loved him.

-

“Let’s grab a bite to eat, huh?” Jo chirped in his usual hyperactive mood. “Huh, huh?”

“Can we go to Josie’s Café?” I asked, falling into his shoulder as we walked down the busy Boston streets.

Jo wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed my forehead. “Sure. That’s why I asked.”

I squealed a little as he slid his hand into my back pocket.

“Oh stop!”

He laughed and hugged me closer for a moment.

“You’re so fun to mess with.”

“Well, thank you very much,” I told him curtly, but smiled up at him so he’d know it was only a joke.

We walked into Josie’s and sat down at one of the tables, ordering coffee and tea right off the bat. The tea for me.

“You know you put a hell of a lot of sugar in that, right?” he asked, tracing circles on the table with his finger.

“Yeah. What can I say? I like sugar.”

He smirked. “I know.”

I smacked his hand, knowing precisely what he was thinking.

The time we had wild sex for two days straight, almost.

It was all my idea, I’ll at admit with shame, almost. It would be shame if it weren’t so nice.

I had taken the day off and bought a bunch of sweet stuff and flowers at the grocery store. The cashier gave me a funny look, but said nothing.

I, at least, knew I was sexually frustrated at the time and was guessing Jo was too, unless he was using prostitutes, which I really hoped he didn’t do, and in the end, found out he didn’t. You could pick up so many diseases....

But that’s not really what this is about.

I had to spice up our sex life somehow, so I went out and bought a bunch of sweets and then went out and bought the sexiest lingerie I could find. A black and pink corset and garters and hose and all that. Plus a huge bow-headband I tied around my head for a special touch.

Then I decorated the room in pastel roses and sashes and threw down black silk sheets and dimmed the room. I put some cheesy romance music in, classical, naturally.

I never liked the idea of having sex to music with words. It always seemed kind of...false to me. Sex was one emotion, no words, why try to add them. The feeling could never be captured.

So I spread the sweets all over the bed, along with the roses, and night stands and took out a few bottles of lube and set them on the nightstand in a bowl of sugar. Then I unwrapped one of those huge round lollipops and would start licking it when I heard Jo come home.

I figured if that didn’t work, than nothing would.

He called for me, but I just keep licking, eyes closed, waiting for him to walk in.

And when he did.... Oh, if I captured the look on camera.

I licked and licked, looking like I was really getting into it. Like I would do if I was being fucked or giving a blowjob.

Then I looked up at him with half closed eyes and smirked.

“Want some?”

That was all I said and he practically pounced, supporting erection after erection hard on.

And let me tell you, I never wanted to stop.

“You should do that again.”

“It was very nice....”

“Hmm. It was just what I needed.”

“Why don’t you take the day off?” I asked suddenly. “Take the day off and we can pick some stuff up at the store and then go home and fuck ‘til we’re silly.”

He looked disappointed for some reason.

“Or we can skip the store!” I spoke rapidly, not wanting him to turn me down. “It’s Friday, I could call off in a second. We could go home and fuck all weekend. Like last time. I could--”

“I can’t. I have an important shoot.”

“Oh, call in Vivian. I’m sure she’d understand!”

He gave me a sad smirk.

“You’re really into this, aren’t you?”

“Please, please?” I begged shamelessly.

“I know Vivian would do it, but she’s out of town. Everyone else is blocked up.”

He knew he could tell how disappointed I was.

I don’t think we really *said* anything the rest breakfast.

“I know your upset,” he murmured quietly as he threw down two twenties. “But that’s the way things gotta be.” He gave me a quick kiss before he left.

Whenever I was upset he gave me my space. He didn’t like me yelling or crying or becoming upset over things and would much rather let me work things out with myself or get over it. If I really needed him, I don’t doubt that he wouldn’t turn me down, but until then....

Well, fine. If he can’t do anything about it, I would.

A big smile crossed my face as ideas raced through my head.

-

“Yeah, I won’t be able to make it today. Is that okay? Uh, huh. Thanks so much for understanding.”

“YES!” I cried as I hung up the phone.

“What to do first, what to do first....” I muttered as I raced around the house, picking up my bag and coat and hurried out the door.

“First stop,” I murmured, “Victoria Secret.”

-

The women in the store came up and asked me if I needed any help and I told them I was just gazing. By this time, they knew my purpose and that I was gay and didn’t try to stop me when I made to go into the changing room. They were actually very cool about it, which was nice.

Then I found just what I wanted.

A deep purple and black corset with gold trim. I found my size and found everything that would make it look good and walked into the dressing room to try it on.

I gazed at myself in the mirror and was satisfied.

“I’ll need to shave my legs.... Hmm. This is nice.... It’ll do perfectly.”

I changed and walked back out.

“Find what ya need?” Cheryl asked. I had gotten used to her and I guess you’d consider us friends. Though she was the woman who called the manager on me the first time I tried to enter the changing room.

We chatted as she rang the items up.

“Yeah, and we’re going to have a huge underwear sale next week. I’d show up if I were you,” she suggested with a wink.

“I’ll try,” I replied.

“I take it you and your boyfriend are planing something tonight?”

“Well, I wanted him to take off work, but he couldn’t, so I just decided to surprise him. He likes it when I do that. Last time I got skyrocketing reviews.”

She laughed. “That was with the pink one, huh?”

“Yeah. That was candy themed. This one will me Greek or Roman, I think.”

“Gee, you go through a lot of trouble.”

“I love him. What can I say?”

-

I soaked in the bath, washing up nice after working hard to set up the entire room in white and gold and purple. I had a bowl of grapes this time, to put the lube in and cheese and more grapes and wine in glasses and in bottles and lots of lilies and leaves.

So I was singing at the top of my lungs to Everclear’s ‘Normal Like You’ as I bathed and was finding that the more and more I thought about it and the closer it came to the time Jo was supposed to be home that I was just looking forward to it more and more.

“I get closer to the place inside, where I can be complacent. I get closer to the place inside, where I can be sedated. I get closer to the place inside, where I can be normal like you. Ah SHIT!” I cried as nicked my leg hard with the razor.

“Dammit! Now I’m gonna have a fucking scab! I can’t believe it! Humph. Maybe he won’t notice through the hose....

“Well, at least I have the rest of my legs finished.”

I sighed and released the water out of the tub, standing and getting my leg to stop pouring out blood amazingly.

“Well, I guess there’s not much else to do but get ready.”

So I put on my corset and laced it up tight and slid on my black hose with the purple frilly tops and was just about to connect them to the corset and garters when the doorbell rang.

I threw on my black robe that only when to my knees, but whoever it was would just have to get over it.

I stepped back a minute when I found an amazingly hot man standing at my door.

“H-hello?” I asked hesitantly.

“Well hello ma’am,” he spoke, eyeing my legs with interest.

He thought I was a woman...!

“What do you want?” I asked angrily, stepping back once more.

“I’m just here to tell you I just moved in above you. I’m Sean Gresham.” He held out his hand and I just glared at it.

Boy, he would be in for the time of his life tonight....

He kinda laughed nervously and put it down. “You?”

“Chris Whitmoore,” I spat.

“Well, if you’re free, maybe tonight you can show me around town...?”

“I really don’t think my boyfriend would be too pleased with that, but if you want...maybe...we can go down town and I can show you the bridge.... It’s very romantic. Oh, yes, very. So when you lean down to grope me in a passionate kiss and find out I’m a man, you can freak out and I can push you off the bridge!” I shrieked near the end and slammed the door in his face, locking it.

“So much for being friends with the new neighbor. Boy, he’s in for a surprise tonight. Well, I’m surely not going to let this incident ruin *my* night.”

-

I lay out on the bed eating grapes and I heard the door open.

I heard him slide down the wall next to the door and sat very still.

He never did that.

“Chris will be home soon....” he murmured and I heard him choke back a sob. “I have to tell him.... No, maybe I don’t. What if he doesn’t believe me...? I love him so much.... I don’t want to hurt him.... I didn’t ask for any of this....”

He cried for a while and I was tempted to go out and comfort him, but I figured that sex might be his best comfort at the moment.

Whenever Jo was upset, he liked to have fun. I had to try.

I heard him stand and he walked in, clicking on the lights. And I smirked as I cracked the whip I was holding and he walked backward into the wall, letting a hand trail to his crotch and grabbing.

I lifted a bunch of grapes and ripped a few off with my teeth, then threw the grapes to the ground, picking up a glass of dark wine perfectly and lifting it to my lips, letting drops run down my cheek and neck and chest as I drank.

When I was finished, I threw the glass to the ground.

I looked straight at the wall ahead of me and closed my eyes, lifting my eyebrows in a motion of want and slid my hand slowly down my body, reaching my crotch and jerking up on it, snapping the whip at the same time and moaning a few times, getting the desired affect from Jo which was a grunt and soft moan of need.

Then I opened my eyes lazily and looked at him. He looked ready to spray shorts.

And not in me!

How dare he....

“Don’t tell me,” I murmured in a deep, seducing tone, “you’re going to masturbate when I’m wide open.”

With those words I spread my legs open and he was on top of me.

-

It was Saturday night. We hadn’t eaten anything but grapes and cheese and crackers and wine.

And each other.

I rested my head on his stomach and was content just to feel him breath and stroke my sweaty hair.

“You know, Jo....” I murmured.

“Huh?”

“No matter how hard we fuck, no matter how many times we fuck, no matter what, we can’t have a baby.”

He laughed.

And though I was a little hurt, I expected that.

“Chris, haven’t we been through this?”

“I know but--”

“There is no ‘I know but’. It isn’t going to happen as long as you don’t have a womb.”

“But what if I--”

“And you’re never going to get a womb.”

“But what if--”

“Not going to happen.”

“You don’t even want a baby. You don’t want to think of a way we could have one. You don’t want to get a woman pregnant or adopt or any of that. You don’t want one and you just think I’m silly.”

“You’re right, I don’t want a baby,” he replied, sitting up and moving so that he could be on top of me, looking down into my eyes. “But I don’t think you’re silly. That’s something you want. There’s things I want that you think are silly.”

“Like what?”

“I want a two seater, convertible BMW. The most expensive one I can get. I want to go out and wash it at least once every week until it shines. And I want to brag about it and show it off. I want to take you in long rides in it, then go to a scenic look out spot or a drive in movie and make out with the top down.”

I smiled. “That sounds romantic.”

“Yeah, the part about making out, but don’t you think it’s a little odd to want to baby it like a pet?”

“Actually....” I giggled a little.

He leaned down and began kissing my cheek, my neck, my face.

“You know what?”

“Hmm?” he asked, kissing my nose and moving on.

“We have a new neighbor upstairs.”

“Oh?” he asked again, nipping my ear and moving on.

“He thought I was a woman and asked me to show him around town last night.”

“What did you say?” he asked, stopping for a moment in a little anxiety before starting up again.

“I told him we could go down to the bridge so I could push him off when in a passionate kiss he leans down to grope me and finds out I’m a man.”

Jo stopped and laughed. “Oh Chris. You’re a bad, bad boy.”

“I know. I think I need a spanking.”

“Really?” he asked with a sly smile and rubbed his hips against mine sensually and pressed his lips to mine and I smiled, knowing exactly what was coming and wanting it.

I pressed back harder.

-

I brushed back my hair looking the mirror, Jo standing behind me and tickling my ribs, pressing himself against my ass.

“Oh, Jo.... The shower wasn’t enough for you?” I giggled.

“I always want you.”

“Well that’s nice to know.”

Then I turned vicious as I turned around and glared at him.

“Well it kinda sounded like something else when you were outside the room crying after you came home Friday.”

He gasped and backed up against the wall.

“You didn’t...?”

“Yeah, I heard you.”

“Well, dammit, why didn’t you bring it up earlier so I wouldn’t feel so damn guilty?” he asked, turning and rubbing his face with his hands.

“Because I thought that it might help you become less stressed. But I want to know what’s going on before.... I thought you loved me....” I whispered, letting my head fall along with two tears.

“Oh Chris!” he cried and hugged me tight as I sobbed into his chest shamefully. Wanting so badly to pull away. I didn’t want to do this.

But I couldn’t pull away. I loved him too much and I didn’t want what was coming.

I wanted to cry in his arms and have him tell me everything would be okay.

Like the Everclear song. “She wakes up in the middle of the night/Just to tell me everything will be all right/Everything will be all right/I tell myself the same damn thing/Everyday....”

“Oh Chris.... Chris, Chris, Chris.... Honey, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.... It’s nothing like that.... Nothing at all. Please stop crying. You’re upsetting me.”

“Then what the fuck was it about?!” I screeched, beating him with my fists weakly, trying to struggle out of his grasp.

But he wouldn’t let me go.

So I gave up and sunk to my knees, sobbing more pitifully than I’ve ever done in my life.

“Listen, Chris.... Shh.... Just listen for a minute, would you?”

He pushed back my hair and wiped at my eyes, wiping the sweat off my brow and kissing my forehead.

“Listen. The only way I can keep my job is to have sex with Shanay, my boss. Otherwise, I’m dropped. I...I was just going to do it to keep my job so that you wouldn’t have to be the breadwinner. So all the pressure wouldn’t be on you. That’s all, honey. That’s all it is. She’s a woman, you know? I’d just do it to do it.”

“No!” I cried. “Don’t you dare! I might not be the dominant one in this relationship, but I’m still a possessive little bitch and I don’t want you to do that! Don’t you dare go have sex with anyone else! Otherwise it will feel to me like the past three days have meant nothing. Everything I have or don’t have will mean nothing! I can’t take that!”

“You don’t--”

“NO! I don’t care what you do but don’t do that! I don’t care if you lose your job! You’re the best fucking photographer in ten states and you know it! The only reason Shanay wants you in bed is because you’re hotter than the fucking sun and she knows that you don’t believe much in yourself and thinks that unless you pick up her offer, you will think you can’t get another job. That’s all! Don’t you get it? That’s all!”

He hugged me tight and rocked me back and forth in his arms.

“How do you know? How do you know?”

“Listen, this is one of those things you have to trust me on. Trust me on this.... Even if you have to go into porn it would be better than actually having sex with someone! Trust me, they want you in the porn industry. I’ve gotten enough calls. You have so much creative talent. They want people with that in the porn business, you know that....

“Please, don’t do that. It makes me sick just thinking about it.”

We sat quietly for a while in a tight embrace.

“Chris, I won’t do it. Okay? I understand why it upsets you. I won’t do it. I swear. Because I love you.”

He kissed me on the lips then stood and helped me up.

“Come on. Let’s stop worrying about it now. It’s five Sunday and the room’s cleaned up and we’re showed. Let’s go out to eat. Okay?”

“Sounds wonderful to me,” I replied with a smile.

-

Jo wrapped his arm around my waist as we walked down the sidewalk to the car from our apartment, Jo kissing my forehead as I rested my head on his shoulder.

But on our way, our new neighbor met us on the way up and gave us such a look of disgust I flinched and turned my head into Jo’s shoulder.

“It’s him,” I murmured. “Sean. The new neighbor.”

“Well hello,” Jo spoke with a wide voice of friendliness. “Chris here told me you were our new neighbor. I’m Jo Focker. Pleased to met your acquaintance,” he told Josh, holding out his hand.

Josh just spat in his hand.

“You disgust me,” he growled.

Jo looked at his hand and I felt him tense and tried to squeeze tighter into his shoulder.

“Hey, I didn’t spit in *your* hand,” he replied, lifting his hand and wiping it on his shirt and he backed away, getting into a position to raise his fists and beat Jo.

“I’d reevaluate that! I heard you fucking so loud I had to leave!”

Jo smirked. “Couldn’t stand it? Were you getting too turned on?”

He raised his fist but Jo blocked it.

“We have the right to have fun, don’t we? It’s not only the straight man’s privilege to sex, is it?”

“Maybe it should be!”

“Or maybe you shouldn’t have moved to Boston, honey,” Jo replied and pet his cheek, leaning up close to his ear.

“Hot men shouldn’t move to gay communities without expecting something like this.”

With that he gave him as small peck on the lips before walking me off to the car.

He was so stunned he couldn’t move.

“How was that?!” Jo cried, slapping his leg and laughing as he started up the ignition.

“I just want you to know I didn’t approve of that,” I spoke quietly.

“Aw, Chris, it was just a joke. Trust me, his lips were *no* comparison to yours, honey. Not even in the same league. I didn’t even give him tongue or anything! No kiss is a real kiss without a little tongue, in my opinion. I mean, I give everyone a little peck here and there. Please don’t be mad. I thought it would amuse you....”

He brushed my bangs out from in front my eyes and looked down into them.

“Please don’t be mad?” he begged, looking deep into my eyes.

I played with one of his dread-locks.

“Okay,” I agreed reluctantly.

Then he kissed me with a lot of tongue.

-

We all got called off early so I was lounging in my room, clicking through the TV channels.

I expected that Jo would be home what I got in, but he wasn’t, and he was an hour and a half late if it was a regular workday for him.

I was getting worried.

I hoped he had a good excuse because I didn’t want to believe that he actually had sex with her....

Then I heard the door open and smiled to myself, sinking back into the pillow and clicking off the TV, looking at the door expectantly.

He opened the bedroom door then shut it, wide smile across his face, sitting down next to me on the bed.

“Hey honey! How was your day?”

“It was fine. We got called off early. I thought you would be here, but you weren’t, so I went window shopping for awhile before coming back here and watching TV.”

“Hmm. Did you see anything you wanted it?”

“Not really.... I found some stuff I’d like to get you, but other than that.... You know I don’t really ever *want* anything.”

“Yeah.... Hmm.... I know.... Well, I got some news.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I got fired, but as soon as I walked out of the building, I must have gotten five different calls offering me jobs. I swear that they were waiting outside the building.”

I laughed a little. “Really?”

“Uh, huh. So I called back the one that would give me the most money and did an interview with them, filled out their application. I know they’ll accept me and I should be back into work by next Monday.”

“That’s great,” I told him, giving him a hug and a kiss. “So what did you do the rest of the day that made you get home so late?”

“I got you a surprise.”

“You didn’t have--”

“I thought I had to. I know I kind of upset you last night and I know you don’t like me to think it’s silly that you want a baby and I just.... Well, I want you to see. But first you have to close your eyes.”

“Jo, I don’t want--”

“Just close your eyes!”

So I did as I was told.

“I’ll be back in a second.”

So I waited with my eyes closed.

He walked in again and shut the door and I felt him sit down across from me on the bed.

“Okay, you can open your eyes now.”

In his arms he held five little fuzzy kittens and I completely melted.

Cute fuzzy things, I guess, were my weakness. Especially kittens. What can I say?

“I...I don’t really know if this will...er...make up--”

“Oh my God....”

“--make up for the fact that...that w-we can’t have a baby--”

“Oh my God....”

“--b-but I th-thought that somehow...somehow this might sort of...make up for that....”

“Oh my God.... Jo!” I cried, feeling the tears pour out of my eyes and strangling him in my hug. “Jo! It’s wonderful! It’s the best present I’ve ever been given! Oh, God, Jo!”

I backed off him and wiped my eyes. “Sorry.... I’m just--”

“No, no. It’s fine. I like to see you happy.” He ran his knuckles lightly down my cheek.

“Where did you get them?” I asked, hesitantly petting one.

“Well, as I was driving--STOP! They’re you’re babies! Pick them up!” he demanded, handing me two of them. “They’re not porcelain! Well, as I was saying, I was driving to the interview and saw them up for sale. Five of um. A male and four females. Just little things and it broke my heart. I stopped and looked at them and the little guy here walked right up to me and began to purr against my leg. They had them set out like, knowing that they couldn’t get far so young and everything. I picked the little guy up and he looked up at me with those big gray eyes and mewed and I died.

“They’re the exact shade of yours.”

I gazed up at Jo, holding one of the little kittens tight in my arms and thought I might start crying again.

How did I get so incredibly lucky?

“I told the woman to reserve them all, not to sell them to anyone, I would be back and buy them all.

“I did the interview and went out and bought some cat litter and a box and food and dishes and went back and bought them and made a vet appointment.

“They thought it was strange that I would so rapidly make a decision and buy them all when they hadn’t gotten an offer on any of them when they’d been out there for days and I had told them I wasn’t even looking for cats. They wondered then, why I would buy them if I wasn’t even looking for them.

“So I told them. These cats would be our children.

“The woman thought it was so sweet. She was a nice lady....”

With that, I grabbed his shirt collar and pressed his lips to my own fervently.

But had to stop when the kitten in my arms squeaked.

Laughing, I backed up once again and Jo stroked me cheek affectionately, smiling at my sentimentally.

“What are we going to call them?” I asked, grabbing one from almost falling off the bed.

“Well, this one here,” he spoke, grabbing the white one with brown stripes on its back and brown paws and a tip of brown tail, “is the male. I want to name him Christopher Jo.”

I smiled and pet Christopher Jo’s head. “Okay.”

“But other than that, I don’t care.”

“This one I want to name Sunflower,” I told him, referring to the one I held in my arms. It was white with light golden brown colored stripes running down her entire body, mixing with that white stripes and giving her an odd effect.

“And this one,” I said, catching her before she fell of the bed, “I think we should name Chlöe.” I didn’t have a real reason for this one, other than that the light brown, dark brown, and white stopped kitten reminded me of a Chlöe.

“How about her? You’re better at this name thing than me,” Jo spoke, laughing, and holding up a gray and white striped kitty like Sunflower.

“How about Stormy?” I suggested.

“Sounds great to me. That means there’s one left to go,” Jo announced, holding up the last little kitten that was almost all white besides an almost completely stripped tail.

“Aw. Now she’s a cutie. Let’s name her Maxi.”

Jo smiled and gave me a small kiss.

“Are...are you going to get them neutered and spayed, or are you going to let Christopher Jo have his way with the ladies?” I asked hesitantly. I hoped beyond everything that he wasn’t going to so we cold have more kittens. Like an ever-growing family.

Something I loved but once again could never have.

“I really don’t care. It’s whatever you want.”

“I just.... I want them to have more, but I don’t want that to bother you....”

“Oh, no. You know I like cats. I won’t mind a bit.”

“Are you sure?” I asked. I didn’t want him to be upset by it or agree to something he didn’t want to.

“Of course I’m sure. I don’t lie to the one I love.”

-

We had gotten everything set up. The food, the litter boxes, and had let the kittens roam for a while around the house, but it was getting late, and Jo had gotten this ingenious idea of shooting porn of me with the kittens.

First of all, I am not a beautiful man. I don’t know how I can attract Jo and actually have sex with him for three days in a row and have him actually get erections, but it happens....

Second of all, I don’t like having my picture taken. Jo is always begging to take my picture, and I always turn him down. He still wants to do an entire series of just me and flowers, but so far, I haven’t agreed to it. He wanted to show the friggin’ world! No, I would not allow *that*! He could look at the real thing all he wants and he’s the only person I want to look at me, picture or no picture. Call me old fashioned, but what can I say?

Third of all, I just don’t like porn.

But I was in a pretty giddy mood, so I allowed him to do it.

“It won’t be anything major,” he promised. “I won’t show it off or anything. It can be very natural. Just play with the cats.”

He got his camera and I did as I was told.

He snapped constant photographs as I played on our huge bed with the cats.

Well, at least I got to see him at work, I guess. I keep looking up at the camera, however, and he kept scolding me for it.

“A real model doesn’t look at the camera unless they’re told. They look the way their head is face or if there’s a third party, then they look at the third party. They do what they’re doing unconcious of the camera!”

“But I’m not a real model!” I cried, becoming fed up. “I don’t even know why I let you do this! All it ever does is make you mad at me!”

“Oh, I’m not mad, honey,” he told me, clicking off his camera and sitting down next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “I just.... It’s hard for me because if you could learn, you could be an amazing model. But you just don’t want to.”

“No, I don’t. I’m not beautiful like those guys you shot a few years ago when you were in the porno business. I’m not anything compared to them. I’m not beautiful, I’m not exotic, I’m not remarkably big. I’m nothing. I’m just another stupid white gay guy with longish blond hair and gray eyes....”

“That’s not true! I don’t find you ordinary at all!”

“How can you not? I have no clue how you can even stand me.... You’re like, beautiful. A wonderful shade of bronze that goes amazing with you’re amber eyes and dreads and you have a built up chest and nice thighs and...and...and....”

“You aren’t ordinary! Have you ever really looked at your eyes?” he asked. “They’re gray with streaks of green and blue.... And you’re eyebrows flare up exotically.... And you’re chest isn’t bad.... And trust me, you’re size is nothing to be ashamed of. Hundreds of people would be so lucky to look at you, let alone be as lucky as I am to have you.”

He leaned in and kissed me, sucking delicately at my lips and letting his long fingers trail across my cheeks and down my chest and stomach.

“Dear Chris, I love you a lot.”

I giggled as he sung softly to me the tune of an Alanis Morissette song, kissing me.

“I know you don’t find yourself attractive or something like that. But I remember the day.... You dressed up like a wild sex machine for the weekend and you wanted me to come visit you down south and I was open to spending that time with you and finding out different ways to turn you on....”

“Oh stop!” I cried, slapping him playfully and giggling.

“Yes Chris, I love you too much. I was always attracted to boys who were sweet to me and not be narsastic pigs who thought only about themselves. Yes, you are plenty perfect for who I am right now when I say ‘the sweeter the better’. The truth is whenever I think of porn, your face comes up with a vengence like it was right now.”

“You’re sick!” I cried once more, picking up Maxi and hugging her close to my bare chest.

“It’s better than me thinking about one of my co-workers, is it not?”

“Well....”

“My Chris, I love you muchly. You’ve been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and constantly there for me.”

“You kept that the same!”

“I keep loveing you up, and you’re pushing away. I remember how beautiful you were when you fell asleep on my couch after running away from work crying for the first time. You seem always to be jumping beyond me but what’s so wrong with me?

“Yeah Chris, you rock my world. You’ve always had a charismatic what about you with me. You have me seriously thinking about some serious stuff and you’ll never let me get away with being comepletely stupid, but I can never really do that. And it’s kinda too bad because I think you’d have a lot more fun....

“Chris, we’re learning so much. I realize that maybe we don’t always agree and get mad and fight, but the long distance thing would be the hardest thing we could do. We’re together in a very screwed up time in life. But I’ll always be around and be curious about you and how you’re feeling and your whereabouts.”

We were silent for a while.

“I didn’t know.... You memorized that song, huh?”

He nodded. “I couldn’t make if funny. It’s not a funny song.”

“I guess I didn’t know you felt that way....”

“Uhmmm....”

“So....”

“Don’t worry about it or anything. I.... It was stupid of me....”

I lay down on my back and he leaned down and gave me a kiss before standing and watching and seeing what I’d do with the cats.

I played with them a while and heard him snapping pictures, but I wasn’t worried about it.

I was on the verge of tears and biting my lip trying to hold them back. What was that whole thing about?

I know that if I’d look at him, I’d burst into tears.

I didn’t want to lose him.

I realize that this song wasn’t one that would make it seem like he was ready to break up with me, but still....

It upset me, what can I say?

I LOVED HIM, DAMMIT!

Finally he shut down the camera and I slid into the covers, the kittens following me and rolling in little balls on the bed.

Jo slid in too, staring up at the wall.

“The last ones will be the best,” he murmured.

“Why’s that?

“You looked so real.... Does that make sense? You looked so sad and like you were looking for happiness in the kittens. You didn’t look up at the camera at all. I’m proud.”

I would’ve sat up, but it would’ve disturbed the kittens.

“So you did that whole thing to make me not look at the camera?”

“Well, most of it I meant, but yes. It worked, didn’t it?”

I couldn’t help but be angry and turned my head away from him.

Jo sighed.

“I knew you’d be mad at me.”

“Can you blame me?” I asked.

“Well, no, not really. I mean, I guess it was kinda mean, but wouldn’t it be worse if I didn’t mean any of it? Sometimes amature models need a little proding. It’s nothing unusual.”

“Still....”

“I know.” I felt him rub my back with one of his hands and I sniffled back tears. “You can be mad at me if you want. I forgive you.”

“Sometimes, Jo, I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“Then don’t. If you’re really worse for wear, leave me.”

For all his brave words, I heard his voice crack.

“You sound like *you’re* the one who’d be better without *me*.”

“I just...I just want you...to have happiness....”

His hand left my back and felt him shift in the bed and begin to cry.

“I just want you to be happy....”

“Oh stop hurting yourself with that shit!” I scolded and turned and rested a hand on his shoulder. “I’m mad, but I’m going to get over it. You know me. I’m always getting mad about stupid stuff. I get over it. Like last night when you kissed that guy. I was upset then, but that’s who you are, you know? You do stuff like that. I understand that. You can’t start feeling guilty because I don’t approve of everything you do. You have to have fun too. I think that partners should worry about each other’s happiness, but not to the point where it makes them miserable!”

Jo turned and looked up at me, wiping his eyes.

“You think so?”

“Uh, huh.”

He looked for a moment at me, to the five kittens between us all cuddled up and sleeping between us, then back up at me.

“Er.... I’d hug you, but I don’t want to disturb them.”

I giggled a little and lay my head back on my pillow and gazed deep into his eyes to the point and length where it almost became diconcerting.

Then he leaned foreword, placed a kiss on my forehead, and rested back down, closing his eyes for sleep.

-

I was coming back from my lunch break and heard a bunch of giggling coming from my office. It sounded like my girlfriends talking about...something, but to be in my office seemed strange....

I pressed my ear to the door.

“Jo really is a good photographer....” Casey murmured.

“Either that or Chris is just sexy!” Samantha piped.

“This might not be very...right....” Izora spoke.

“How can you resist *this*?!” Casey cried and there was a lot of giggling.

“Maybe if it was a woman....”

Then it hit me.

Izora was gay. It wouldn’t make sense if it were anything else but the kitty porno pics!

(Yes, that is kitty, not kiddy.)

Oh my God! How in the FUCK did the pictures get in my office?!

I slammed open the door and all conversation halted.

Sam dropped what she was holding, but other than that, there was no movement.

Pictures of me spread across the floor and I almost died on the spot.

Calmly, however, I picked up the pictures and gathered them from other people and set them upside down on my desk.

Then, with amazing smoothness for my anger, spoke, “how did you get these?”

“They were just sitting there when I walked in to drop off some papers with a note that said ‘Dearest Chris, I thought you might like to see the pictures of our family. Love, Jo.’ I thought you had a family reunion or something! I swear, that’s all!” Casey swore.

“Then why did you keep looking?” I asked quietly and I think they could tell that I was pretty angry.

Casey blushed a deep red.

“Well, they were kind of cute.... And you are kind of hot....”

“Yeah!” the previously quiet Jessica backed her up. “You should feel *privileged* that we looked at you as long as we did!”

Then it was my turn to be taken aback.

They thought I was sexy?

“I must admit, from an artistic point of view, you do very good porn. The first ones weren’t so great, but the further along they got, the more I was really touched, actually. I never really considered porn a spiritual experience, but, well, I’d tell you to look for yourself, but I wouldn’t like to look at porn of myself,” Izora’s voice drifted off near the end.

“Spiritual?” I asked.

I’m sure I looked about as dumbfounded as I felt. This was too much. They thought I was sexy and that my porn was...spiritual?

“Look here. These,” she picked up some and threw them to the side. “These are awful! Look. You keep looking up at the camera and you look so nervous and freaked out and you giggle and--no! That’s awful!”

I noticed the other girls looking over our shoulders, trying to get glances, so I chased them out of the room, looking the door.

“Whew. Okay. Now I want some explainations.”

Izora blushed. “Well, it’s kind of hard to talk about a person while they’re standing right there.... I’m afraid I’ll offend you.”

I laughed. “I love Jo. All I am is offended. I get over it. Last night he practically put me to tears just so he could take good porn.”

Izora started at me funny. “And you’re still with him?!”

“Should I not be?”

“I don’t know.... I wouldn’t be.”

“B-but I love him!”

“How?”

“I don’t know.... I love him....”

“Does he do this often?”

“What? Put me to tears for porn? No. I don’t usually let him do porn. I was just feeling giddy that night because he’d bought me these kittens as an apology for laughing because we couldn’t have babies.

“That’s just who he is. He makes a lot of jokes that I don’t think are funny. But he’s so good to me, Izora. He never hurts me. He’s only hit me once and that was the day that he was sexual harassed by a co-worker and was frusterated and mad and I was just being my annyoing self and he completely melted down. He smacked me, destroyed a chair, and broke some dishes before breaking down and sobbing. I felt sorry for him. I forgave him.

“I only ever really hit him to so it hurt once, and that was when I didn’t know I was a manic depressant.” I blushed, realizing I was talking to myself and babbling out secrets about us to Izora. Stuff she probably didn’t want to know or care about.

“He really good to me. You don’t understand.”

“Oh? Uhmmm.... I had no idea....

“You probably didn’t want one, either,” I told her, cracking a weak smile.

“No, no. It’s fine.”

“Well, okay, show me what’s so good about this.”

She spread out the second half of the pictures and set down three.

“See this one. The cat’s walking toward you and you’re looking up at it, smiling, but biting your lip so you know that something’s wrong.

“Then in this one,” she pointed to the middle one, “the cat is right there, you’re face positioned right under the cat’s belly so you can see you’re face. You’re entire face has dropped and you can see the tears in your eyes and you’re all out biting your lip.

“Then here,” she pointed too the last, “the cat passed you and you’re smiling once again as it’s looking at you, but the tears are still deep there.

“And these four.” She spread out four other pictures. “In the first one you’re holding the kitty up and being all sweetiesy and stuff and then in the next, you brought it to you and you’re kissing it’s forehead and you can see a tear sliding down your face.

“Then in the third, you hold it back out and start talking stupid to it again like the past event just didn’t happen and then here, the best and last, you’re holding it to you’re chest and you can see the tears on your eyelashes.

“It’s really quite good,” she spoke, looking up at me. “It’s like you’re are trying to find some peace of mind in the kittens, but you just can’t seem to do so, no matter how you try.

“However the other girls liked the first batch because, to be frank, they showed more of your body.”

I blushed deeply and I felt the heat in my face, but I wasn’t used to this sort of thing. Maybe it was normal for some people, but not me.

“Well, I have to get going,” she spoke quickly and dissappeared twice as quick.

I didn’t blame her.

I would’ve.

What can I say?

-

“You know the others found the photos?” I asked in bed that night, resting my head on Jo’s chest and stroking it with my fingers lightly.

“What was that?” he asked, sighing contently and sinking farther into the bed.

“My female co-workers found the porn photos.”

Jo sat up, eyes wide, staring at me, looking into mine, more worried than I’ve ever seen him.

“What happened?! Are you okay?! Oh, God, Chris, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know...! If I knew, I would have *never* dropped them off! I’m so--”

I hugged him close, smiling wide and resting my head against his.

He lifted his arms up around me and hugged me back hesitantly.

“No, Jo, it was okay. They thought I was sexy! Izora thought it was spiritual! She agreed that the first half were awful. But that was okay. You guys must be right. And Casey and Sam and Jessi were just estatic over it! Oh, it was so nice!”

“I *told* you that you were beautiful,” he replied and kissed me.

But I felt that he was a little jealous when his lips touched mine and quivered a little.

I pulled away.

“Don’t worry or anything. Just because they think I’m sexy doesn’t mean I’ll ever leave you. They’re women. You know I’m not attracted to the sort of thing.”

“I-I know!” he cried.

“You have to understand that it’s the first time I’ve ever really been complimented on much of anything.”

“Don’t I--”

“Oh, no. I mean, but a majority of people.”

“Well didn’t I tell you that you would make a wonderful porno model?” he asked, but I could tell he was upset by the tears in his eyes.

“You don’t really want that,” I told him, with a smirk across my face. “I don’t want that either.”

“If you want it, then I won’t force you to do it. I know it made you happy.”

“Well, yes, it did. I like the attention. I’m a stupid, needy human being just like the rest of us and I like a little attention about how I look.

“But let me tell you, I won’t be able to look at any of my co-workers in the eyes for the next week!”

He giggled and lifted a hand to brush back some of my bangs.

“Well I’m glad that you had a little fun, if nothing.”

“I don’t want to show any more porn, Jo. Don’t worry. I like the attention, but I don’t think I could take it. I just like you seeing me.” I smiled up at him and ran my finger down his bare chest to his stomach and beyond.

“Don’t do this to me. You have to go to work.”

“But...I want...to do this...to you....” I replied as I kissed him on the cheeks and lips and neck.

“Oh no you don’t,” he replied, but the smile on his face let me know he was teasing.