(Tatsuno and Kotenkou are standing on a stage, each holding a microphone, basking in the adoration of the cheering crowd. Tatsuno goes to the stage front, waving her hands to get the crowd all riled up.)
Tatsuno: Welcome all to HEY HEY HEY Music Champ, the cuh-razy show with all your favorite jrock and jpop stars! 
Kotenkou: (doing cat's cradle) Oh? That's my cue... (runs crazily around, waving, and pumping her fists, causing the crowd to cheer all the wilder) 
Tatsuno: (grabs Kotenkou's mic cord, tripping her) Dolt, you're supposed to tell them what today's show is about!
Kotenkou: Oh yeah... TODAY IS THE SPECIAL KARAOKE VERSION!
(A young gril with a shovel under one arm holds up a card that says "Cheer".) 
Crowd: Whoo!
Reiwenna: (girl with signs) (leans in, whispering) Hey,Tatsuno, what happened to the original hosts, Hama-chan and Ma-chan?
Tatsuno: Um... shut up!

(Somewhere in a dank dungeon miles below the earth)
Hama-chan & Ma-chan: MMMPH!

Kotenkou: Today several talented young singers are here to compete for a contract with Pooketh Records, judged by our panel of music representatives. 
Tatsuno: Who's the panel today, Koten-chan?
Kotenkou: Judging our young prospects today will be the wonderful band, Orgy!
Reiwenna: (holds up sign reading "Cheer ya bastards.")
Crowd: Wh....oo?
Kotenkou: Orgy consists of Jay Gordon, lead singer; Amir Derakh, g-synth; Ryan Shuck, drunken guitarist; Paige Haley, bassist; and Bobby Hewitt, drummer! 
Jay: Hi. Ryan is drunk again.
Ryan: Dahh! (falls over)
Tatsuno: Right, anyone else?
Kotenkou: I'm glad you asked, Ta-chan, for here (against his will), tied with Jay for squexiest man alive, is Gackt-sama!
Crowd: (cheers before Reiwenna can hold up her sign)
Gackt: Hi, I thought Ma-chan and Hama-chan were the hosts of this show. C'mon, he knocked on my crotch, remember?
Kotenkou: We have them tied in a cave deep within the bowels of the earth-- MUMPH!
Tatsuno: Sheddup!
Kotenkou: ...Right. And the last member of our panel my good friend Mana-bunny.
Tatsuno: Mana-bunny? But isn't he just a stuffed animal?
Kotenkou: Humph! It is quite provoking to assume one is just an inanimate object! (plops Mana-bunny into the seat next to Gackt. Mana-bunny is wearing a green dress with a matching parasol)
Gackt: Aww! (cuddles Mana-bunny)
Kotenkou: And competing for the record deal... Well. We're going to be doing things a bit different this time. (grins mischeviously) We're going to be taking members from the audience this time!
(The crowd gasps!)
Kotenkou: (spins a large wheel, the arrow clicking as it hits the little peg. Eventually (five hours later, actually) it slows and lands on seat 35.) Will the person in seat 35 please stand!
(A mad-sexy man with dark hair stands, looking miffed.)
Mei: You.. planned this didn't you Koten?
Kotenkou: ^_^ I'm Koten-chan on this show, Mei, a la Hama-chan. Now please, come on down! ... Oh. But first, we'll be giving you a makeover!
Tatsuno: Hee!
(A young man with his hair tied back approaches Mei and escorts him to the back room)
Tatsuno: Oh, and that's our stage hand, Derak.
Kotenkou: Hi Der-kun!
Derak: (gives Kotenkou a little nod before he disappears behind the curtain)
Tatsuno: So our first karaoke prospect is Mei! What do you think of him, Gackt-sama? (holds mic to Gackt)
Gackt: He has long beautiful hair... like Kami... 
Mana-bunny: (holds up a parasol to protect himself from the drool)
Crowd: Ueh?
Tatsuno: And you, Jay?
Jay: Well, I think he definately has potential to become a great jrocker.
Ryan: I liked his...dah! (falls onto Amir)
Amir: Ahh! Get off!
Ryan: Kiss me! (extends slobbery tongue towards Amir)
Amir: Neeeeeigh!
Tatsuno: Um... cut to commercial!

Announcer: This fall....
Announcer: Coming to a theatre near you...
Announcer: She thought she was alone..
Reiwenna: Gasp!
Announcer: She wasn't....
Reiwenna: Ahhh! THE CHUM! THE CHUM!
Announcer: Next time you see a fish bone... watch out...
Reiwenna: NEEEEIGH! IT STAINS!
Announcer: For the Chum. Coming November 21. Rated PG for Pretty Gross.

(The HEY HEY HEY logo swirls onto the screen, and Tatsuno and Kotenkou once again fade in. Not much has changed since before the break, except Amir is now wearing a pancho to protect himself from Ryan.)
Tatsuno: Um, Derak? I think you need to restrain Ryan here.
Derak: (tapping Ryan) Hey now, leave off that. Stop pestering Mr. Amir here, he needs to judge the contestants.
Ryan: Kiss me! (lunges for Derak)
Derak: AHHHH! 
Ryan: (begins chasing Derak alll around the stage.)
Mei: (steps out from behind the curtain) I'm ready to--
Ryan: (crashes into him as Derak goes darting past, hiding behind Mei.)
Mei: .... (Ryan has crashed into his crotch and is unconcious on the floor due to the force of the blow) 
Gackt: Oh, you wear a cup too?
Mei: Yes, I have to protect myself from the fangirls.
Gackt: (nods knowingly)
Mei: Now, if no one crashes into me this time, I'm going to perform. (Mei is wearing black leather pants with huge operating buckles along the sides to keep the sides just closed enough to reveal small pieces of creamy white leg skin. He also dons what we fan girls like to call baby tees. Yes, you know the ones that always drift up with each slight movement [drool] erm... we mean uh yeah. A black feather boa rests on his shoulders, drifting lazily with an invisible breeze. His pants are tucked into knee-length black boots.)
Crowd and Reiwenna: (drool....)
Mei: Whoa, they're easy. I haven't even done the look yet. Anyway.
Kotenkou: What song will you be singing Mei?
Mei: I decided to sing Platinum, by our very own Orgy.
Ryan: Daa! 
Derak: (pepper sprays him)
Paige: Good job, Mr. Mei!
Bobby: (nodnod)
(Mei begins dancing seductively while singing Platinum until it gets to the "something dirty's got you dear" part, where he works that boa like no tomorrow! He then slinks up to a random audience member and wraps the boa around them, his hair drifing on their knee. The audience member faints, and he ends the song with his pinky resting on the edge of his lip. The crowd is stunned.)
Reiwenna: (Holds up "Cheer" sign)
Crowd: YEE!
Mei: (little smile) How was that?
Tatsuno: Incorporating the audience, a skill every performer needs. Jolly good!
Kotenkou: I agree! But what does the panel think? (holds mic to Jay)
Jay: Well, I gave him a 10.0 for the proper use of my song..
Bobby: (nudges Jay)
Jay: Oh fine, OUR song.
Bobby: (nodnod)
Ryan: I liked the elephants!
Paige: I thought the boa was a nice touch, and he did his makeup excellently. The vocals were very good too.
Kotenkou: Nice! How about you, Gackt? 
Gackt: Well, I really liked the outfit. It's good for moving around in on stage, and yet it can still make the fangirls scream. I gave him a 9.5 however, because I thought he didn't do the look enough.
Mei: I only use it in emergency situations. 
Tatsuno: Right! Then our next contestant--
Kotenkou: Waaaait! We didn't ask Mana-bunny what he thinks!
Tatsuno: (sigh) Fine. What score did you give Mei, Mana-bunny?
Mana-bunny: (suddenly holding up a sign reading thus:) I don't like the way he insulted my owner, Miss Kotenkou; however I have no qualms with his performance. Seeing as how I am in a generous mood, I give him an 8.3335.
Mei: What? WHAT!?
Tatsuno: Oooh! That's gotta hurt!
Mei: Curse you Koten. Why do you make the bunny give me a poor score? Can't you just admit I did a good job out there?
Mana-bunny: (grins creepily) 
Mei: Oh please...
Tatsuno: Eeigh, that's scary. Guess we shouldn't piss off Mana-bunny then... Anyway, Koten-chan, back to the wheel! We need to discover the next contestant!
Kotenkou: Indeedy, Ta-chan. (reaches up and gives the wheel a good spin)
Tatsuno: (stops the the wheel with her foot) Eheh, let's not wait for it to stop like last time. Soo, will the person in seat 6 please stand?
(The person in the said seat stands, shrouded in shadow... WHO WILL IT BE? Find out after the break!)

(A beautiful topical island fades in to view, with Derak standing there adorned in a lei and swimming shorts, lying comfortably on the beach as girls go past. He suddenly turns to the camera and gives a charismatic wink.)
Derak: You know, (gestures to girls) I used to worry everytime a woman came my way. I thought it was out of control, and no razor was strong enough to tame it. 
Mei: (in the background, playing a ukleilei) I'll tame it for you!
Derak: Er, no thanks Mei... (cough) Anyway, then I got help. Using the internet to ask around (I didn't want to show my face) I discovered new Coconut Scented Webos Splash, the aftershave for the man who shaves his webos.
(Scene changes to Webos Splash bottle lying in the sand, though Derak's voice is still heard)
Derak: For the tropical scent the women love, and the masculine strength I need to get through the day, I use Coconut Scented Webos Splash!
Song: Webos Splash you sexy mother-fucker!
Announcer: Manufactured by Pablo Franscisco.

(Once again, the HEY HEY HEY logo appears on screen, and Tatsuno and Kotenkou are back amidst the cheering of the crowd.)
Tatsuno: Come on down, Seat # 6!
Kirito: (runs onstage) I won! I won!
Tatsuno: ...Not quite yet, Kirito, but you get to compete for the prize! Now get yourself seated next to Mei while we ask the panel what they think!
Kirito: (slinks into his seat near Mei, leaning in seductively, wearing his patented Pimp Daddy silk shorts. He makes a polite little cough to get Mei's attention.)
Mei: What.
Kirito: (licks lips and winks at Mei) My aren't you a tasty treat!
Mei: (unfazed) Yes, I know.
Kirito: (looks defeated) I'll get you next time you gooey morsel...

(Meanwhile Tatsuno and Kotenkou are interviewing the panel)
Kotenkou: Why, Jay what do you think of this Kirito? (She smiles, inching closer to him, holding out the microphone to hide which direction her gaze is in.) 
Jay: Um well, he is out-going enough to be a pop star and has the slut part down right.
Kirito: Sure do baby! (wink) 
Tatsuno: I see... well Gackt-sama how about you?
Gackt: Is it safe for that Mei fellow to be that close to him?
Kotenkou: Nope but he'll be alright. He always escapes my complete wrath (mumble-mumble) Anyway, anything else to say Gackt-sama?
Gackt: I like the shorts. Pimp Daddy fits his motif. 
Kirito: That and I'm wearing my new shirt in honor of the green turtle. (turns around to show a large picture of a green turtle on his back.)
Mei: ...I hope he's not contagious. 
Tatsuno: Mana-bunny, any thoughts?
Mana-bunny: (holds up a sign) He's probably crazy so let us be finished with this.
Kirito: I'll be proforming in these clothes and will be performing the song Vanilla by Gackt.
Gackt: Great...he'll fuck it up.
Kirito: (all throughout the song he makes attempts to seduce Mei which are foiled before they even reach man who sits unamused and mildly angered by the whole situation. Kirito commences to give the poor bastard a lap dance, grinding more than Tony Hawk on a street course. Mei tries to scoot away from Kirito's testosterone fueled dancing but to no avail and by the end of the song Kirito is pulling Mei's clothes off with his teeth.)
Gackt: What did you do to my song!?
Jay: I'm not sure what to give him...
Amir: ...It was a good performance just...strange...maybe an 8? 
Paige: No, that's too generous, a 6.
Kirito: (begins to pout and tears well in his eyes. All the members of Orgy convulse wildly from the look and give him a ten while trying to restrain the look-induced infatuation.) Yay!!
Ryan: Kiss me! Bah!
Kirito: (pushing Ryan away with a tsk-tsk) Sorry, but I'm busy trying to seduce Mei now! You'll have to wait until you're sober.
Tatsuno: (mumbling) Everyone wants a bite of that manwich.
Ryan: But I'll never be sober... (sniff)
Kotenkou: Well, while our panelists talk it over one last time, let us cut to a commercial!

Announcer: Are you priest?
Guy 1: Why yes I am!
Announcer: Are your eyes closed?
Guy 1: Why yes, yes they are (runs into pole)
Announcer: then come on down to Priest Eye Opener Clinic. We'll give your money back if you don't like what you see.
Rezo: Yeah just look at me. I'm still blind but at least these shiny golds are showing.