Scene One:

Kami: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~!! (running down the street)
Gackt: Come back, Kamikins! (chasing Kami on a motorcycle)
Jay: Give me those shoes, Gackt! (chasing Gackt's shoes on his own motorcycle)
Kami: You're both nuts! (leaps over a fence and hides in someone's backyard)
Gackt: Nuts for you! (rides over the fence and along the diving board of the pool, falling in before he has the time to cry out)
Jay: (hops the fence on his bike and turns, right at the edge of the pool) Phew, made it! How's the water, Gackt?
Amir: (comes out of house) What are you guys doing here? Hi, Jay! (vibrations from his mouth knock Jay and his motorcycle into the pool)
Jay: Gimme those boots!! (grabs Gackt's foot, sending the rest of him under the water. He tries to pull off the boot, but it perfectly fits Gackt's foot.)
Gackt: Bastard! My boot! (he tries to push Jay under the water, but Jay begins to strangle him)
Jay: You know they would look better on me!
Gackt: Liar!! You take that back! (splashes water in Jay's face)
Jay: MY MAKEUP!! (pulls Gackt's hair)
Gackt: Biyotch! You want somma this?
Jay: Bring it on, slut!
Gackt: You didn't! (they begin slapping, shoving, and biting) (two fangirls enter)
Tatsuno: Whoa, chick-- I mean, guy fight!!
Kotenkou: Rip his shirt! Rip his shirt! .... He'll hate that!
Tatsuno: It's his favorite shirt!
Kotenkou: Which one are we talking to?
Tatsuno: I don't know, I hope it happens to both of them!!
Amir and Kami: .....
Amir: Want an ice cream, Kami?
Kami: .... Okay. (Amir and Kami walk away)

(Eight hours later....)


Jay: Damn you, surrender the shoes!!
Gackt: Never!!
Tatsuno and Kotenkou: (still drooling)

Scene Two:

(Scene changes to the Annual Platform Shoe Convention, where corporate giants Tetsu and Hyde are duking it out in a press conference)
Hyde: Yes, next question.
Reporter 2: Why did you name your shoe company 4 1/2 Inch Soles?
Hyde: (getting huffy) We couldn't decide weather to call it 3 Inch Soles or 6 inch soles, next question please!!
Kirito: Tetsu-san, are you interested in starting a movie career?
Tetsu: Yes, actually... but what does this have to do with shoes?
Kirito: Nothing. (grins like a berserker)
Reporter 2: How do you two feel about the competition that's going on between your two companies at the moment?
Tetsu: Of course, Big 'n' Clompy Shoes will beat "4.5 Inch Soles" hands down.
Hyde: It's 4 1/2 Inch, damn you!!
Tetsu: Right. (rolls eyes) As I was saying, our company's got quality and better design. We're going to have more business this year, too, due to our new design modeled after the 17th century.
Hyde: I think not, your platforms are shorter by far than ours. Consumers want taller platforms this year!
Tetsu: I think they'll change their minds when they all get broken ankles.
Hyde: (under his breath) That's the point.
Tetsu: What was that?
Hyde: Oh nothing, I was just talking about bringing about people's doom.
Tetsu: Doom...?
Hyde: (stands up on podium, waving finger around in the air) Yes, doom, my good sir! Doom makes the corporate world go round!! And I don't just bring doom at work! I do it in my personal life too! I married and divorced someone just because they're a guy! And I knew it all along too! Why? Because I am Doom-Bringer Hyde!! (turns and begins singing) Doom doom doom doom doom!
Tetsu: ...
Reporter 1: Why did you just go on a big spiel about doom?
Hyde: Because I am Doom-Bringer Hyde! I am going to get my name legally changed to Doom-Bringer Hyde!
Reporter 1: So, will your first name be Doom-Bringer or will it be your last name?
Hyde: ....I don't know.
Reporter 1: (turns to camera, where this is being broadcaster over the news) There you have it folks. CEO Hyde. Wants to change his name. We'll be right back.
Hyde: (waving at camera) Hi mom! (During break, the big CEO's get a chance to rest a bit. Hyde turns to his pretty young intern.)
Hyde: So, how's the report looking?
Mana: I'll show you a report behind the curtain. (winks)
Hyde: Try to remain professional, please.
Mana: Aw, but we're on break! (hanging over Hyde)
Hyde: Anyway, what's the status report for our chances of bringing about Big 'n' Clompy's doom?
Mana: Our sales are up 3%, but they're still giving us a royal ass-whooping.
Hyde: Damn! Must... bring... doom!
Mana: Relax, we've got a great sales plan. We're going to get jrocker Gackt to wear some of our shoes on television!
Hyde: Ahh, brilliant! I dub you the new Intern of Doom!
Mana: Yay?
Hyde: Oh, looks like the commercial break's over. Must get back to informing consumers of my doom-filled intentions to make the company's shoes taller. Take notes, will you?
Mana: Right...
Tetsu: That intern has an Adam's apple.
Hyde: What..? Why do you care, let's get back to the conference. Anyone have any questions for the CEO of 4 1/2 Inch Soles?
Reporter 1: Did it really matter that you have a number that was exactly between 3 and 6?
Hyde: Yes, yes it did!! I'm not taking any more questions from you!
Reporter 1: Why, why wont you take questions from me? Discrimination!
Hyde: Eh?
Reporter 1: (whips out a pair of glasses and a couch) Tell me about your childhood.
Hyde: It.. uh, sucked?
Reporter 1: A little more descriptive than that.
Hyde: It, uh, really sucked?
Reporter 1: (falls out of chair) I'm done with this...
Hyde: Ha ha! I've riddled you with doom!
Kirito: (sneaking around on his toes with plunky violin spider music in the background) ka ka ka
Reporter 1: So Tetsu, boxers or briefs?
Tetsu: (just about to answer, when a hand reaches behind him and pulls him behind the curtains. We hear a lot of banging and crashing as if there's a struggle going on) Not there~~!
Hyde: (getting miffed) Intern of Doom, get your blue-clad ass over here now!
Mana: Yes?
Hyde: Dispose of Reporter 1 at once!
Mana: Anything for you Hydiekins! (drags Reporter 1 away kicking and screaming)

Scene Three:

Jay: Alright, keep your boots for now Gackt! But I shall be back! You don't know when or where I will strike, but it shall be hard, fast, and devastating! (pointing finger at Gackt and glaring)
Kotenkou: Am I the only one who's turned on here?
Gackt: (little piece of soaked paper slips out of his pocket and into the pool) Oh yeah, I forgot about this. 4 1/2 Inch Soles asked me to endorse their crappy platforms.
Jay: What kind of a fucked up name is that? (In the distance Hyde screams)
Gackt: Huh, Big 'n' Clompy's my brand and it always will be! Screw you little piece of paper! (rips it up, and gets out of the pool) I'm going to the Ice Cream Parlor to find Kamikins.

Scene Four:

Mana: Good news, Mr. Hyde! I've just received news the Gackt will be endorsing 4 1/2 Inch Soles!
Hyde: Yes! I'll bet you anything we'll be the top platform company now!
Mana: Anything...?
Hyde: Yeah, anything!
Mana: Would you marry me if we lose?
Hyde: I would even do that! (satisfied, he cracks open a can of beer)
Mana: Alright, then, let's make a deal.
Hyde: What's that?
Mana: If we lose, you have to marry me.
Hyde: (taking a swig of the beer, slightly relaxed from it) Ha ha ha! Whatever you say!

Scene Five:

Mana: Say Jun-kun, remember that time I saved you from choking on a chicken bone? I'm calling in the favor.
Jun: Really Mana? ...wait a moment...when did I choke on a Chicken bone? (raises eyebrow in interest)
Mana: (twiddles thumbs) Of course you did! It was... well, uh, you were really plastered so of course you can't remember it. Anyway, what's your favorite kind of platform shoe to wear?
Jun: Well those cool ones that look like combat boots but have a two and a half inch platform (grins and waggles his foot, wearing one type of the platform that he has described)
Mana: (trying to be patient with Jun) Ah.... no. I mean what brand.
Jun: Uh...I don't really have a favorite brand... hmm...what platforms are these (holds his foot and hops on one leg trying to keep his balance while he looks at the brand name) ahh~! It doesn't have a brand name...oh well (lets his foot down) why do you ask?
Mana: Well, start wearing Big 'n' Clompy shoes from now on. My life as a single man... I mean woman is at stake.
Jun: Um... ok...where can I get these platforms Mana-san?
Mana: (dumps a shopping bag of Big 'n' Clompy shoeboxes on top of Jun, crushing him beneath) Right here of course!
Jun: (you can hear him mumbling underneath until he emerges with a shoebox in his mouth. He takes it out and sets it to the side) I think you broke my rib...
Mana: Try them on Jun-kun.
Jun: Alright. (takes out a pair and tries them on) Comfy...(wiggling his feet to see their fit and smiles at the shininess of the material)
Mana: Aren't they great? Way better than 4 1/2 Inch Soles, right? (smiles and nods convincingly)
Jun: To tell you the truth I've never tried on a pair of 4.5 inch souls...
(From afar Hyde is heard screaming)
Mana: Did you hear something just now? Ah, never mind. Anyway, I work for 4 1/2 Inch Soles, and they aren't very good shoes. Big 'n' Clompy is muuuuch better. (smiles again) So what do you say Jun-kun?
Jun: Say what Mana-san? (looks up to him curiously) and can you hurry.. my video game is on pause.
Mana: (unplugs Jun's video game and throws it out the window) Will you endorse Big 'n' Clompy shoes!!
Jun: (with little teary eyes looks out the window) NOOOO~! Not my game~!
Mana: (grabs Jun's lapels and shakes him violently) Just endorse the shoes! Or else I'm going to take them back to the store!
Jun: Fine Mana-san~! (still weeping) my game system...
Mana: (sigh) I'll buy you a new game system, alright? (storms out of Jun's apartment, muttering) The things I do for love...

Scene Six:

Amir: (licks his Scrumtrelescent Sephora Crunch cone merrily, whistling a random tune) How's the ice cream Kami?
Kami: (absentmindedly eats his vanilla ice cream) It's alright. (In the distance the sound of a Harley roars quietly, then stops)
Kami: (head jerks up like an animal on the watch)
Amir: You look like you need to get out.
Kami: What do you mean? All the clubs have horrible pansy techno.
Amir: What about the party that that Kirito guy is having?
Kami: Isn't he a porn star?
Amir: (shrug)
Kami: Okay, I'll go. Just don't tell Gackt I'm going.
(the sound of a Harley becomes more profound)
Kami: (begins eating his ice cream faster, then tosses the bowl behind his head and gobbles up Amir's)
Amir: Hey~! (sniffles) I liked that flavor...
Kami: I'll pay you back, but we have to get out of here now! He's come--
(Gackt busts through the window on his Harley and lands just inches away from Kami)
Kami: (begins running around frantically and smacks head first into a support beam)
Gackt: (gathers up the limp Kami and carts him off to his Harley)
Amir: Where are you taking Kami-san??
Gackt: I'm taking him back to my place to make sweet sweet love ^^ (huge hearts pop out of his head)
(The hearts settle on the floor and someone slips on one, sending him skidding across the floor into the store clerk, catapulting them into the ice cream)
Amir: (blinks but nevertheless bids Gackt farewell as he and the unconscious body of Kami speed off into the night)

Scene Seven:

(Amir, Jay, Tatsuno, and Kotenkou are huddled around a small coffee table drinking tea and Jays occasional vodka [not really occasional, more like continuous])
Jay: Dammit, I'm never going to get a hold of those kick ass boots~! (takes a deep sweep of vodka)
Kotenkou: (sagely pats Jay's arm)
Tatsuno: Doesn't Big 'n' Clompy make that kind of shoe?
Jay: No, it's a Gackt original! I need that exact pair!
(doorbell rings)
Jay: I'll get it, I need to take my frustration out on someone. (walks down the hallway and answers the door to find Kirito standing there, quite sexually)
Kirito: (in a silk black button-up shirt and matching shorts with a red velvet robe over it. His name is embroidered sexily across the front in silver letters) Hi, I'm just here to borrow a cup of sugar, sugar. (suggestively sizes up Jay)
Jay: Well, this isn't really my house, I just went to the door for someone to take out my frustrations on.
Kirito: (grins broadly and winks sensuously) Reaaaally? Then I--
Jay: (punches Kirito in the face) Ahh! I feel much better now.
Kirito: (rubbing face) Like it rough, eh?
Jay: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Who are you?
Kirito: I'm the man of your dreams!
Jay: Amiiir!
Kirito: It's so hot in here... looking at you. Will you hold this? (he slowly and breathily begins pulling off his kinky robe, handing it to Jay with a little tap on the ass)
Jay: ...
Kirito: (nibbles his finger and winks as if Jay would say "Take me now!" and run off with him. He hands him a note and walks away making a show of shaking his ass, where the back of his shorts read "Pimp Daddy")
Jay: ...
Amir: What is it, Jay?
Jay: That creepy guy just gave me this little piece of paper.
Amir: What's it say? (walking back with Jay into the living room)
Jay: (opens up the little note and reads it, handing it to Amir who hands it to Kotenkou who hands it to Tatsuno)
Amir: What's it mean, Jay?
Jay: Uh... it's apparently an invitation to a party of some kind.
Amir: Ohh! That must have been my next door neighbor, Kirito.
Kotenkou: So do you guys wanna go?
Jay: (reads further) There's going to be FREE VODKA!! (bounces happily) Of course we're going!
All: ...
Tatsuno: Sasuga wa Jay....

Scene Eight:

Hyde: Say, why haven't I heard from Tetsu lately?
Mana: Oh, don't you know? He's vanished without a trace.
Hyde: Aha! My doom-bringing has finally succeeded!
Mana: No, it was a kidnapping, actually.
Hyde: Oh?
Mana: Yes, and the strange thing was there was no ransom note found at the scene of the crime. People think he was abducted at the press conference.
Hyde: Wonder whodunit.

Scene Nine:

Kami: (wakes up with a start) Ugh! I had a horrible dream that Gackt kidnapped me!
Gackt: Aw, why'd you have to wake up? I was just about to get some. (nibbles Kami's ear)
Kami: Hey you!! That was unwanted sexual contact! (smacks Gackt away)
Gackt: (hooks Kami up to a leash) Now I'll have a little pet to take to Kirito's party!
Kami: I have no say in this, do I?
Gackt: (handcuffs Kami) Noop!

Scene Ten:

Tatsuno: Okay, everyone ready to go?
All (sans Ta-chan): Yep!
Jay: (reading more of the letter) Waaaait, it says everyone has to come to the party with a bondage partner.
Amir: Bondage partner? (blink)
Kotenkou: Yeah! We have to be handcuffed or chained, or on a leash, or strapped together with leather... (drools on herself)
Jay: You seem to know a lot about this, so I'll go with you.
Tatsuno: But wait! Who'll I go with?
Kotenkou: (clamps onto Jay) He's mine! Stay away! Go with Amir! (shoves
Tatsuno towards Amir)
Tatsuno: No!! (shoves Amir back)
Amir: Ow!!
Paige: (steps out of the shadows) I'll go with you, Tatsuno.
Tatsuno: Always the savior, Paige! (handcuffs herself to him)
Paige: Who will you go with, Amir?
Amir: (turns around, showing that he's back to back with a drunken Ryan, who's singing 45, 639 bottles of sake on the wall) He got drunk and accidentally crazy-glued himself to me.
Tatsuno: Wow why didn't I notice that before?
Jay: Well, let's get our asses out the door and towards that sweet sweet vodkah!! (grins insanely)
All: (move out of Amir's house and step up onto Kirito's porch)

Scene Eleven:

Amir: (rings the doorbell)
Kami: (answers) Uh, come in...
Gackt: (jerks back the choke chain, sending Kami flying with a yip) Silly, you're not allowed to talk! You're a dog, remember?
Kami: (grumble) Wan!
Gackt: That's more like it! (gives Kami a pat, nade nade ^_^)
(Jay Kotenkou, Paige, Amir, and Ryan enter the party. All around scantily clad men are dancing in cages, people are playing spin the vodka bottle , and the snacks menu includes the classic party foods "cheesy hot pants", "licorice fishnets", and hotel vodka bottles. You know the ones. Kirito is lounging provocatively in a luxurious red chair, sipping a martini. There is a leash attached to his wrist, but the chain leads up a flight of stairs and whoever is on the other end isn't visible)
Amir: Uh, what's the stage up there for?
Kirito: This isn't only my house, it's also where I film all my porno movies!
Amir: Neat!
Jay: I'm going to get some of those little vodka bottles! (runs off wildly, taking Kotenkou with him)
Kotenkou: (smacking into random people) Ow! My spleen!
Jay: (foaming at the mouth) Vodkaaaaa~!
Kotenkou: (smacks headlong into Gackt and Kami, sending them, her and Jay into a heap of limbs)
Jay: (immediately tries to pull off Gackt's platforms, but they won't budge)Dammit! What do you do, spot-weld these things on?
Gackt: No! I use my own special glue! (grins)
Jay: Ahh~! (releases Gackt's foot)
Kotenkou: Could you all get off me?
Gackt, Kami, and Jay: Oh yeah! (stand up and brush themselves off)
Tatsuno: Hey, I want to meet Kirito. Where is he?
All: (look around)
Paige: Yeah, wasn't he here just a minute ago?

Kotenkou: Uh, maybe he's up there. (points to a flight of red-carpeted stairs) Duuuuh!
Jay: No, we have to stay! I'm not done with my vodka!
Kotenkou: Come on! (drags Jay up the stairs followed by Tatsuno, Paige, Amir, and the now snoozing Ryan)
Jay: (digs his manicured nails into the ground, leaving scratches in the carpet)
Kotenkou: (drags Jay on his ass up the stars, with the poor vodka-deprived man hitting each step along the way)

Scene Twelve:

(Upstairs there is an even bigger stage, with a giant velvet red curtain reading "Kirito the Pimp Daddy" across it in golden letters. Kirito sits on the stage, smiling. The chain around his wrist leads behind the curtain)
Kirito: Welcome friends! I was just about to shoot. How lucky you are to have joined us.
Jun: Hi every body ^^ (manning a huge camera with a giant smile. A small chain is attached to his foot that leads to a video game system strapped to his back)
Kotenkou: Why is innocent little Jun-kun taping a porno?
Jun: He pays me in video games, (grins and jerks his thumb toward pile of videos games)
All (exempt Jun-kun and our good porno stars): (falls over)
Kirito: You're just in time to see my "special Show" (motions sensuously to a curtain and Takeo pulls the golden cord back so the curtain draws open to reveal Tetsu tied up in leather straps in a slinky school girl fuku that consists of a baby tee and a mini skirt)
(does it need to be said that Tatsuno and Kotenkou are drooling)
Jay: This is very strange...
Paige: (trying to scoot away)
Tatsuno: Oh no you don't (yanks on the handcuff which sends Paige back to her side, cursing under his breath)
Kirito: (takes off the silken robe to reveal a Postman's outfit with tight shorts and tight preppy shirt which has the label U.P.S. on it) A package for you "ma'am".
Tetsu: O_o You bastard! Let me go!
Kirito: Wanna know what "U.P.S." stands for?
Tetsu: (trying to wriggle free) No I don't!
Kirito: (ignoring Tetsu) Ultimate Porn Star!
Tetsu: Ugh! Let me go or I'll send my giant platform right up your ass!
Kirito: Please? (gives Tetsu a look that could crush anyone)
Tetsu: Grah... stop that!! (winces away)
Kirito: Pleeeeease? (bats eyelashes)
Tetsu: (begins drooling despite his straightness) No... it must be some kind of trick! Psychological terrorism!
Kirito: Alright, fine, why don't you make me cry! I'll just weep in my cobweb-filled desolate corner of shame! (begins walking away)
Tetsu: No~! Take me now! (glomps onto Kirito)
Jay, Paige, and Amir: Gross! (turn away)
Kotenkou and Tatsuno: (lean in)
Jay: (decides it's his chance and breaks free from his leash, making a dive for Gackt's boots)
Gackt: (kicks Jay in the face)
Jay: Ow!! (rolls over, clutching his face)
Gackt: I'm sorry! I didn't want to hurt you.
Jay and Gackt: (look into each other's eyes)
Kami and Kotenkou: ...
Gackt: I never realized... that I love you! (he and Jay frolic off on Gackt's harley, running over Takeo in the process)
Kami: Yes! He's gone!
Kotenkou: ... (lip quivering) Wait for meeee~! (chases after Jay and Gackt)

Scene Thirteen:

Hyde: What the hell? Big and Clompy still got more business than us! How did that happen with Gackt endorsing us?
Mana: (shrugs, smiling slightly)
Hyde: Now, didn't I make some kind of promise to someone about something?
Mana: Yes, you said you'd marry me if we lost! Isn't it great?
Hyde: It appears I've brought about my own untimely doom.

(It it Hyde's and Mana's wedding. Mana looks radient, wearing an all blue wedding dress, of course, and the silvery chain of a handcuff linking him and Hyde can be seen by some. (It was the "something borrowed" from Kirito). Yuki and Kozi are behind Hyde with rifles, lest he try anything funny.)
Tatsuno: Aww, how romantic!
(Kotenkou sits cheerfully at the altar, Gackt and Jay chained to her side. Klaha is on the steps, looking eerily comfortable in his bridesmaid dress.)
Kotenkou: Mana, do you take this jrocker to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Mana: I do~! (looks just about ready to glomp the stuffin' out of Hyde)
Kotenkou: And do you, Hyde, take this lovely jrocker to be your lawfully wedded... husband?
Kozi and Yuki: (prod Hyde with their rifles)
Hyde: (voice cracks) I do!
Kotenkou: (wiping away a fake tear) Then I now pronounce you man and man! The ring, Klaha?
Mana: Wait, I have it right here! (hands ring to Koten)
Hyde: Hey, that ring looks just like the ring of my ex-husband/wife! And the funniest thing was they had blue hair and their name was Mana! And they looked just like you! Isn't that odd?
Mana: ...
Hyde: Say, where did you get that ring anyway? (pause)
Mana: ...
Hyde: You were going through my ex's things weren't you!? (points finger)
Mana: (sigh)
Kotenkou: Now, let us all have cake! ^_^
Tatsuno: Ooooooh! (bounces to the cake and sticks her head in it, wolfing it down)
Kotenkou: ... Or not. Well, then let us all have vodka!
All: (especially Jay) YES!
Kotenkou: (turns around) This is the end. It has been fun, especially for them, for tonight, in a drunken stupor, they will buy a goat.
Tatsuno: (pulls her head out of the cake) And don't forget to flame us for hooking your favorite jrocker up with one you hate!

Later that night...

(A goat is tied to a stake in Amir's living room, eating his couch.)
Amir: What the hell?
Goat: Maa!