I
Think - Therefore I am
I hear his voice as he lectures me in the seat
beside me. I roll my eyes and look out the window trying to see something that
can distract me and take my all to concentrate on, just one thing to drain out
his voice. I see a tiny rabbit caught in the barbed wire fence - he's feeling
my pain, I'm feeling his! *sigh* My ears drift back to the conversation I'm
trying to ignore. He starts telling me how to live my life again, how I should
be, who I should grow up to be like and what I should be doing right now. I'd
rather be doing anything then sitting in that car next to him right then and
there. Why can't I go to my safe place? I close my eyes, see the face of the
man I love, the man I'm going to marry and I'm almost there, to that safe place
where everything is ok, everything is right. "It doesn't matter how nice he
is Bec" are the words I hear that snap me out of solitude! I hate this man sometimes.
When will he leave me alone?
I open my eyes and I'm only 3 steps away from my home. But 3000 miles away from
the man who makes me whole. I sigh and tell him to stop the car - I'll walk.
It seems like an eternity before I am actually out in the freash air. I hear
music, piano music. I love it. I close my eyes, and I picture heaven. Only it's
so far away now. The car is driving off in the distance and suddenly everything
is peaceful! I walk up the driveway, and halfway there I am greeted by the sounds
of my two dogs. They know I'm coming home and they have missed me. Two creatures
who love me unconditionally, two creatures who will continue to love me, in
the morning, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, they offer hugs and heads to pat
when I need a sholder to cry on, they will be there.
I think of the single hug we shared before he said good-bye, and the tears that
didn't flow but were there when I saw his car drive away. And my bestfriend
tells me to cheer up because the other guy is here, and he loves me too. So
I put on my happy face, give him hugs that are always shared between us, and
life goes on... But I still miss the guy who drove away.
I reach home, I go to my bedroom, turn on my sterio full ball, stretch out on
my bed, face in pillow and cry tears of frustration! How am I suposed to choose
between two amazing guys... when I like them both... it's all so hard!!! Why
has life all of a sudden become so hard. Loosing a loved one, feeling alone,
getting depressed so easily, and having no one to talk to and no one to understand
you except God. But you're feeling so far away from God, from everybody that
you start to think that death would be the best way out! But something is keeping
you here. Is it the passion of life, or the expectations of seeing yourself
become the person your so meant to be. Grow up, get married, have children and
live life to the fullest. But when does that all start?
I turn my head and look out the window. It's raining. I don't know how long
for? But I look at the amazing patterns it makes as it smashes against my window.
The trees bow wildly and it looks like a storm. My dog runs and hides under
my bed, my mums dog jumps up on my bed, I see fear in his eyes. He doesn't understand
it, either do I!
Days go by, and life never changes. You're
still feeling like that rabbit stuck in the fence, pain in your heart and problems
going on, but yet you never tell anyone whats going on in that head of yours
because you don't think its important. I know I do. I go quiet, I wander deep
into my unknown thoughts and think stuff I want no one else to know. And there,
it's all me.
People that you've known your whole life start to really annoy you and it seems
as if everything is going all wanky! And you miss the little boy who was killed
back in August. I go into my room, sit on my bed, knees to my chest, arms around
my legs and look out my window. The wind is strong and it blows my hair across
my face. I can't see much, but thats ok, I wasn't looking anyways. Slowly I
start to cry because everything seems so far away but because of this one person,
everything is starting to get better! But I'm scared.
I never wake up to the sounds of thunder...
my boyfriend is long gone, and I'm lying in my bed watching the lighting as
it flashes across the sky like knives ripping into my skin. My bestfriend is
gone too. Although she has been gone for a while now. Slowly slipping away from
me as if I am a nobody. I'm nothing to her, just a puppet tied to a few peices
of string that she can pull when she wants something. Something goes down in
her life, her parents are sick, her life seems awry, and I try to be there for
her, but she just pushes me away. I'm beyond caring.
How can people notice when something is wrong with you? Maybe it's God speaking
to them saying "She needs your help - pray for her" It's like I have a dark
cloud hanging over my head, over my life, that only certain people can see.
The devil has his hands around my throat... The further I walk away, the tighter
they get. I'm dying... I feel it.
The recurring dreams I used to have as a little
child are coming back again. They are weird, they make me feel weird and it's
like I'm sufficating. I don't know how they start, or where they end. Or why
I even dream them. They have no story line and no significant meaning. But they
still come.
I felt like crying yesterday. But his touch made everything seem fine. As if
the world was going the way it was meant too. I can get lost in his eyes and
just drift and dream there and long to fall asleep beside him! He's gorgeous!
Regarding what the other guy said. And I don't know why, but insecurity keeps
jumping up and having some huge fist fight in my mind. I have no reason to be.
But I keep pushing him away. Getting in these moods that just make me not want
to talk to him. And I hate it, because I don't want to loose him! I think about
it and him and I get caught up in my thoughts and day dreams. "You gotta get
going" yells my mother from the kitchen. It's 15 minutes till he will be here
to pick me up and I have nothing to wear! I slap my head and smake on some makeup
and the same clothes I wore the night before when I went out to tea with family...
'it'll have to do' as I see him coming up the driveway. He hugs me, I go weak
at the knees and we are off! I watch the scenery, and my mind drifts away again.
How did I become so lucky to get this guy who is holding my hand right at that
moment. He's just amazingly sweet. "Wanna go in here" his voice brings me back
to reality. And we are off... for what ever adventure is next! But I'm happy,
I'm content just to be in his arms!
She chews the fat, then goes and makes her
usual visit to the toilet. Not because she knows shes fat. But because she wants
attention, the attention she craves can only come by her selfdistruction. But
I live by that, because she's my best friend.
I tell her she's pretty, she laughs in my face. She feeds on compliments, but
when given to her, she hands them straight back. But I love her, because she's
my best friend.
I read her diary that's left open for the world to see, and in it describes
how she has no friends and how she plans to kill herself - attention! I tell
her "I'm going to dump my boyfriend tomorrow, I'll ring him, it's all planned"
she answers "no you won't, I know you to well."
Am I out growing her? She annoys me now. Looks down on me, and is embarrased
by me. But she loves me, because I am her bestfriend.
Put the two of us in the same house for a week, and we could survive. For a
month, just surviving... we would survive! I have my boyfriend and she has her
cat! But she's in love with a guy who she doesn't think she will ever get. She
likes to try and read the future... to say what's going to happen, and she says
she knows she will not win her man. She's beautiful and she knows it.
Arrrrggghhhh, she makes me so angry. Why does
everything have to center around her. She always has to be in the middle. "Oh,
I can't do that coz then they will be shitty at me and I'm the one who has to
make everyone happy..." She talks as if she is the most important person in
the world... and she isn't - yes she is important. But the world does not revolve
around her like she thinks it does. And yes I'm being bitchy... but I'm pissed
off...
"Boys come and go, but friends are forever" she is constantly telling me. Well
wait until she gets her man, then she will see it how it is. I'd never screw
off my friends for a guy, but lately, my bf is being more of a friend then her.
And what? I'm just suposed to sit by and watch me get used... while she whines
about her other friends and how they are lying, she says to my face "I have
no friends..." well... I'm beyond caring, and I am over it.
DEAD PATCHES OF FEELINGS
I don't know if I should take the step of moving away. Maybe I'm not ready yet. And right now I'm in a 'dead patch of feelings' towards my boyfriend and other stuff I don't know what I want or feel. I know I love him and I know that I do want to move away, its just moving from familiar territory into unfamiliar territory... it will be scary.
With my boyfriend, I know I love him, but atm - I don't feel it. And that scares me. It's weird how one minute you can go from loving someone with all your heart and then the next - be unsure of how you feel for them but still knowing you love them deep inside. Sometimes I feel like it would be better if we were just friends, although I know I don't and wouldn't want that atm. He is so important to me and I don't know what I would do without him. I love him so much. I hate these silences where no one speaks because we think the other is shitty at them. Its so annoying, I wish they would stop. I also hate being affraid to tell him stuff. I know I shouldn't be. Maybe we are just getting sick of eachother? I don't know. I know I love him, he makes me happy, he makes me feel special, he makes me feel wanted - I love it when he calls me baby! :)
P.S Sometimes I think/feel that there is too much hate in our relationship. I don't know how to explain that tho - there are somethings our brain knows or our spirit that we can't comprehend, or that we don't know what it means. It's weird. *sigh* And maybe not enough maturity.
I just hate these moments where we don't talk. It makes me scared and makes me think bad stuff... I just want boyfriend, I love him... I never want to lose my gorgeous boyfriend!
So yesterday he came around again. Only this
time there isn't a father. Well, I haven't heard much from him since he found
the love of his life. Thank God. Now I can have him off my back.
We are still in love. Over 5 months now. But I still fell insecure around pretty
girls. Who wouldn't? Especially when you're around ones with see through swimmers
and size 6 pants that love to falunt their stuff. GREAT!I know he loves me,
It's just me trying to believe other wise.
I have been the luckiest girl to get such a guy. He is so good to me. And he
loves me. I am mean to him, and he loves me. I wish I could make him as happy
as he makes me. I am happy to be in his arms.
I still feel like a rabbit in a cage. Only I have one foot out now and I'm getting closer to the outside world. I can't wait to get away. It will take time and hard work. Am I up for it? I don't know... I want money, I want fun and I want him. But what happens tomorrow, is another story....
How come I can never feel pretty enough? They
call me beautiful, I just shake my head and walk on. I'm too fat, my eyebrows
aren't dark enough., gotta get them down again. I'm too fat, my hair isn't long
enough etc... the list goes on. Why can't I be happy with me?
Sometimes I feel like I'm 1000 miles away from him. When we don't talk and he
ignores me and I ignore him. I hate it. And when he's going to be meeting all
his other girl - friends. Especially one which, given a chance, he may go out
with her. Because of course - he thinks she's "so pretty" MEOWWWW!
I am so happy to be with him. He loves me so
much - I trust him, he is mine. I love him so much, he trust me and I am his!
Our relationship is so special. We share so much - we are one, yet we are seperate.
He is so important to me. We fit together so well.
Today he bought me chocolate, told me he loved me 1000, 000 times and kissed
me good-bye before he went off to work. God keep him safe.