ERAP PERFORMANCE REVIEW
generated through Car Talk Hate Mail Division
Dear President Erap Estrada:
Consider this letter to be your annual performance review.
What have you done for me recently? Certain scenes from "Deliverance" come to mind. But let's look at the facts:
1. You've switched positions more times than the Kama Sutra. You've flip-flopped more often than Rue Paul. If you change your views one more time, your constituents are going to hit the ground in a dizzy stupor.
B. You've spent my tax money funding research into the mating rituals of black-haired, East Jamaican dwarf rabbits. And you've made sure that those 55 inch-waist Neanderthals down the street have been making 500,000 dineros a year while they lean on shovels, leering at Lolo Freddie's wife when she walks by every morning.
2. Hey--what do you know--you raised my taxes! This year, I'll pay about enough to feed the Zimbabwe army just to keep you looking like week-old Tarsier road-kill in that 1970s toupee of yours.
III. You did succeed most lavishly in one respect: I can't help but notice that you've managed to stuff your polyester pants full of large-denomination bills from the Amalgamated toilet padding lobby, the tawas Association of the Philippines and the International Brotherhood of concrete manufacturers.
4. You sent me a Christmas card...which I paid for (including the "free" postage). Gee, thanks a lot. I'm sure it was heartfelt--especially that part about "or current resident."
But, perhaps I'm being too hard on you. Between the San Miguel policy retreats to Boracay and that recent junket you went on to Indonesia to investigate the status of illegal California migrant ampalaya pickers, there must hardly be any time to concern yourself with such less-important issues as the stratospheric cost of health care, the fragile state of the economy or the crowded, crumbling roads and bridges I take on my way to work.
I'd like to suggest you take a much-deserved vacation. In fact, I'm going to insist upon it--by not voting for you the next chance I get. I'd sooner give my vote to Johnny Bravo, Asi Taulava or Cris Aquino. At least they'd be entertaining to watch while they frittered away my hard-earned income.
Give my regards to your close personal friends, Stanley Ho and Pol Pot.
Enjoy your upcoming extended vacation,
Concerned Citizen
P.S. Thanks for your last campaign flier. Please send more copies! I used your photo, with great success, to toilet-train Vladimir, my German Shepard.