Failure

by Daniel Johnson (mailto:gonaked@bodyfreedom.org)

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A group of individuals show up in front of a state building after hearing about a nude protest. There are four activists who show up together at first, and three citizens who just happen to be in the area. The three public citizens stop for a moment as they notice the four congregating around each other, looking around, and then removing their clothes and holding up their signs. The signs say:

"Stop the racist hatred of the human race"
"Being human is not a crime"
"No government dress codes - Go Naked"
"Freedom Now - Protest Naked!"

Meanwhile the citizen bystanders are thinking to themselves, taking in all that is going on.

Citizen bystander 1 thinks: "This is way cool! This people have no fear and have put their humility on the line to stand up for their beliefs. I will stay here and watch and then go home. I will tell my friends and write about this in my diary. My friends will think it is cool too, and it will all stop there."

Citizen bystander 2 thinks: "Oh look, naked people. That is interesting, I'm not sure if I understand why they are doing this. But I've committed myself to the rat race and I have got to do some busy work of little consequence. I will not do anything or get involved with what I just saw. It will probably be covered in the press so I will not need to deal with it or think about it."

Citizen bystander 3 thinks: "This is interesting. But I think I should be offended. What am I supposed to do? Are the children nearby in danger? I can't think for myself. There must be a law about public nudity. I will ring the police. They are our public servants and they will sort things out properly. The have shown such strong heroism during the war against terror and the drugs. I will be the only citizen that my government will hear from today about this matter. I'm proud to do my part as a good citizen." She then rings the police and the clock starts ticking for the protesters.

Having been tipped off by a member of Stop Segregation a reporter shows up to the event and says:

Hi. I'm a reporter for a mainstream public media conglomerate that sells advertising space for our local businesses. Most likely, you have about a minute before the police arrive. So you will need to explain everything to me fast so I can write my trite, poorly-researched story that I will sell to our television, radio and newspaper affiliates so I can get money to feed my family and pay my bills.

Another five protesters showed up to join the original naked protesters. These people remained fully-clothed or partially-clothed, some wearing body paint, funky hats, and coverings over their genitals. Their signs say:

"More clothing-optional nude parks and beaches"
"Being naked is not a crime, Body acceptance is a good idea"
"Jesus was naked in public, why the hell can't I be too?"
"Queers for public nudity"
"Body Pride - No shame!"

The members of the Stop Segregation e-mail discussion group look at them for a bit, one says,

"you guys here to protest?"
"Yes."
"That's cool, but could you please stay in the back, this is supposed to be a nude protest."

The reporter finds this interesting.

One from the clothed group says "We heard about this event from the flyers around town. We totally support you and wanted to be here to show solidarity with you, but we don't think we need to take off our clothes and get arrested to make the point. Solidarity in numbers, right?"

One of the naked protesters finds this statement interesting. She remembers how she has been arrested and jailed multiple times, and never enjoyed any of it, especially the bad food and the cell mate who molested her. Still, she thinks, protesting naked surely will have a greater impact on things. Besides, she thinks, I have every right to be naked. She is frustrated, her blood is boiling. She doesn't say anything though.

Another naked protester addresses the reporter:

"The Freedom to Be Yourself organized this nude protest with a view to stopping the segregation of humans who refuse to hide their skin. Only when ALL humans can accept their unclothed skin in public will the racist hatred towards the human race have ended."

Another says:

"While not all of us believe in all the principles in the Freedom to be Yourself, we do believe there is no reason that public nudity should be illegal. We use the forum "Stop Segregation" to plan these events, and we would invite any of your readers to join our forum, representing several ideologies about the fight to legalize the appearance of the human body - we want to legalize public nudity."

Another says:

"You see, this isn't about naturism, nudism, or streaking, its about stopping the self-hatred of human bodies."

The reporter tries to hastily write all this down. The clothed protesters stay silent, feeling like outsiders, not living up to the level of activism and ideals of the naked protesters.

The police come, the naked ones are arrested, the clothed ones are not. One of the cops has a rabid dog at his side. One of the protesters takes off running. "Release the dog", a cop says. The police, flustered that they are not being shown the respect they deserve during these troubled times of international terror, demand in a harsh tone that the clothed protesters must stand back or they will get arrested for interfering. The clothed and partially clothed ones do not want to get arrested and so they do exactly what the police say and they feel bad. They are intimidated by the police and are not used to being treaded so roughly by their own government. What have they ever done wrong to deserve this kind of treatment? They pay their taxes and have never done anything criminal.

The protest, all three minutes of it, is over. Everybody eventually leaves the scene.

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The next day the story runs in the daily tabloid (next to an advert for Camp Secret Nudie), and similar stories run in the television and radio news. None of the protesters feel that the coverage was adequate or accurate.

The story reads:

Internal rift over the appropriateness of public nudity splits the town's clothed and unclothed Nudists. Police arrest naked protesters, while other protesters watch and cooperate with the police, bringing a peaceful and final resolution to the stand-off. Some protesters associate with the more hard-core nudist group "Freedom to Stop Yourself from Segregation" and did not seem as eager to have their freedoms withheld as the others. Citizens praised police over the swift response against the unabashed naked menace. Prosecutors promise "justice will come to these shameless troublemakers".

One woman, who happened to walk by the naked people without even noticing, caught up with us shortly after she heard the sirens and the multi-colored flashing lights at the scene, now roped-off to investigators: "I had no idea I was so close to such dangerous people, what if I had my children with me at the time? How would I explain to them about the naked bodies? What would I say? This wasn't covered in my repressive schooling and religious environments! My parents never talked to me about my body, we always kept our bodies hidden so we wouldn't lust after each other, I guess. Its just too early to talk to the kids about predatory sex abusers and other perverted deviants. Can't these people go to their nudist colonies or something? Why do they need to be so confrontational, speaking up for their rights, and such?"

Immediately after the dramatic and heroic arrest, I talked with Police Captain Sergeant Justin Law, still sweating in his urban warrior gear. He was still trying to catch his breath after one of the protesters gave chase before being brought down and maimed by a rabid police dog, that, the Captain Sergeant warned me, "bites". He assures the public that "rogue nudists will be dealt with properly and in a manner necessary for the very serious nature of their crime". He went on to reassure the mainstream club nudists that they are "not endangered as long as they stay segregated in their self-imposed internment camps and don't speak up for their rights". Police are urging any other witnesses to similar criminal acts to call 01635 264638 or Crimestoppers, anonymously, on (0800) 555 111. Witness protection and group counseling programs are available to victims who have seen naked human bodies in public.

Gun shops have also reported an increased interest in hand gun sales by women who feel threatened by seeing naked men, however seemingly harmless, on the streets. Politicians, eager to appear as if they are appeasing their most vocal constituents (mostly the older conservative ones who actually bother voting), decide to draft more broad anti-nudity legislation, endangering all nudity (unless it is between two married heterosexual adults in their own home behind closed doors or in the shower or bath).

This reporter, not knowing jack about squat, having lost her hastily-scribbled notes from the day's events, being unable to continue conversations with the jailed activists, and not having enough stuff to fill out a overly titillating and trivial story, followed up by phoning a local representative at a nudist internment camp to find out, once and for all, the naked truth (ha ha ha) about public nudity.

Bob Smith, club president and direct-marketing chair had this to say about the troublemakers: "We all agree with the police not to make a fuss, nobody needs to worry about us getting involved in the community. Nobody wants to embarrass the police, especially during our war on terror and subsequent crack-down on basic civil liberties. We stand united with our president. We surely won't ever associate with such politically-oriented malarkey-mongers, they just aren't good sports about the whole thing. Speaking up for our interests is just not in our fun-loving, passive nature."

"We certainly never want to offend a fellow human with the sight of our bodies. Some people just are naturally disgusted with their bodies, and the law should remain biased in their favor, even if, as some say, there is no harm in it or criminal intent. People who want to discover the real freedom of being naked should come join us behind the safety of our large and secretive gated community her at Camp Secret Nudie. Our gates have large signs with flashing lights, trip wires, and buzzers warning any possible wanderers from the community that there is limited nudity behind the gates. That is how we all stay protected from the long arm of the law."

"Those who are interested will find real body acceptance and real freedom among people just like them, if they pay their club fees, of course, and are willing to make the long journey in from wherever they live. You would be surprised how far people are willing to drive to have some degree of no-fuss freedom in their lives. Our parking lots are luxuriously large and will accommodate the biggest, heaviest fossil-fuel burning combustible motor-vehicles on the market."

"Nobody has to worry about other people taking pictures of their bodies (if they still are shameful or self-disgusted) without their permission. Cameras, video camcorders, drawing tablets, and etch-a-sketches are strictly restricted to Doug Watches, our club photographer/artist who is clearly marked at all times by an obnoxiously yellow fluorescent baseball cap and sign and cow bell around his neck. We generally post all non-frontal pictures on our club's web site<www.discretelynaked.com>. Did I mention we also have beauty contests? Its our longest standing tradition here. Of course, not all our members are up for that, but it is one of our more popular photo opportunities for Doug. We also have a Bare Buns Run where we jog around the perimeter of our club and at the end we pat each other on the back, throw pudding at each other, roll around in the mud, and conclude with a pep rally about our freedoms, and it all happens in one convenient place, Camp Secret Nudie!"

"So come frolic in our kiddy pools and hot tubs, come skip along our manicured sunning lawns. Peruse our concessions stands. Take a brisk walk up and down our .25 km nature trail. We are even thinking of admitting single men in the future."

"What about gay men?" I ask. "We have quotas and community standards. Gay women and hot bi girls are probably OK, I suspect. We will have to run it by our mostly-male board members. Maybe it will be something like don't ask, don't tell. Some of members, who we suspect are gay, have written phony notes from their fictitious wives saying its OK to come down to Camp Secret Nudie. It all just comes down to our bottom line though, we are pretty flexible that way. If one wants to get in bad enough, there are usually ways around our seemingly discriminatory ways."

This reporter concludes that nudity isn't all bad, especially when it is hidden from view, and the issue certainly is not worth making any fuss over. Readers who are interested in rediscovering their freedoms should call Camp Secret Nudie at (0800) GET SUN.

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