Erik the Jedi

Diagnosing a "Redneck" Jedi

Rednecks are not just a local blight--they're a menace to the entire universe. One potential example is Luke Skywalker, who must have been a redneck because he fell in love with his sister, Leia. Obviously, the universe is a big place and Luke couldn't have been the only redneck Jedi Knight! So--as a public service--if you suspect that the local Jedi on your planet is a redneck, here are a few dead give-aways.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

(Places)
(Weapons)
(Vehicles)
(The Force)
(Clothes / Talk / Gas)
(Stromtroopers / Jabba /Others)
(Main Characters)
(Family)
(Critters)
(Droids)
(Favorite Shows, misc.)
(My Dad)

Places

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
Your moonshine is really made on the moon.
You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
Your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters. (Dad)
You've moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers.
You moved to Tatooine or Hoth because "the cops won't find me here."
You've ever thought Mos Eisley was a quiet little town.

Weapons

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.(Dad)
You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer (Dad)
You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth. (Dad)
You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
You inherited a styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with your light saber. (Dad)
You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with your lightsaber.
The cake at your wedding was sliced with a light saber. (Dad)
You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
You use the "O" on stop signs to sight in your new blaster.
You own a pink flamingo with blaser holes in it.
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

Vehicles

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. (Dad)
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. (Dad)
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
You have the words "Foxy Lady" or a playboy bunny painted on your landspeeder.
You have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder. (Dad)
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
You have ever had an X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard. (Dad)
At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored. (Dad)
You have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing. (Dad)
You bought hanging air fresheners for your friend's X-Wing at Christmas time.
You're flying a ship that has no original parts.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.
Your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon.
You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. (Dad)
Parts of a TIE fighter you blew up hang as a trophy in your living room.
You have more land speeders that don't work than do work. (Dad)
You ever contemplated hiring the Millenium Falcon to run moonshine.
You think a Jawa Sandcrawler would make a good monster truck.
Your landspeeder is started with a spanner or a screwdriver.
You've ever listened to Waylon Jennings while flying an X-wing.

The Force

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." (Dad)
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. (Dad)
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. (Dad)
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket (Dad) or DUI.
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
You've ever given someone a wedgie by using the force. (Dad)
You feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. (Dad)

Clothes / Talk / Gas

You wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training.
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
You call the Emporer "That old ugly dude in the house coat."
You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right." (Dad)
You can find no grammatical errors or syntax challenges in the way Yoda talks.
A peaceful meditation is one without gas. (Dad)
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force. (Dad)
Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?" (Dad)

Stromtroopers / Jabba / Others

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
You've used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.
You don't think Jabba's Gamorean guards have a hygiene problem.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good looking chicks.
The smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba's Gamorean guards.
Your beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame.
You wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home. (Dad)
Your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett's tail pipe.
You originally thought that Jabba the Hutt was a restaurant.

Main Characters

You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest. (Dad)
You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. (Dad)
You think Chewbacca is a brand of dip. (dad)
You Chew Bacca.(dad)

Family

Sandpeople back down from your mama.
Your father said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.(dad)
You've ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.
Your mother really WAS a sand person!

Critters

You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
You've asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting.
You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken --- or the alternate --- You can< easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.(dad)
You've got a stuffed womp rat from Begger's Canyon on your mantle.
You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
The Rancor monster refused to eat you.(dad)
You've ever tossed womp rats into the Pit of Karkoon just to hear the Sarlaac belch.
You have a bantha head mounted on any wall of your house.

Droids

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
More than half the droids you own don't function.
You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
People mistake your house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts dealership.
Jawas come to your house looking for droid parts.

Favorite shows, misc.

Your blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.
You went to Jedi junior high school with a guy who looked like Yoda.
You didn't read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.
Your favorite movie is "Stromtrooper and the Bandit"
Your favorite TV show is "Luke's of Hazard"
You've ever dug out your moisture farm after a dust storm and found a droid.
You ever took out a loan from a guy called Greedo.
You prefer living on a moisture farm because there is no lawn to mow.
Your home is a gutted Corellian transport on cinderblocks.
Your porch collapses and kills more than three womp rats.

My Dad

My Dad is the origanal Redneck Jedi. All of the above items that have been marked (dad) apply to him. He got me burlap sacks one time. He always says "May the Force be with Y'all". Unfortunately, he also was my master, so my trining was to say the least, "interesting".