February 26, 2005 They will be here in less than five hours.... ugh. I cannot sleep at all. My eyes are going to be so red. I'm starting to regret that I agreed to do this program. It's not about me thought, right? I have to remind myself that my little sister was a drama queen and dreamed of being on television. She'd kick me in the ass if I didn't do this. This is her opportunity to be on national television. Her face on TV. How ironic is this that my sister dreamed of being an actress and now she is going to be on TV because she died and gave her organs?? How ironic is it that I'm going to be on TV talking about her? I hate attention. Okay. Well I don't hate it. But I don't want to be on TV. This whole thing is making me nervous...... I have to post the lyrics to this song. I just heard it on the radio and it is just too funny. (by a band named Bowling for Soup) Woohoohoo
Woohoohoo
Debbie just hit the wall, she never had it all
One Prozac a day, husband's a CPA
Her dreams went out the door
When she turned twenty-four
Only been with one man
What happened to her plan
She was gonna be an actress
She was gonna be a star
She was gonna shake her ass
On the hood of White Snake's car
Her yellow SUV is now the enemy
Looks at her average life
And nothing has been alright
Since Bruce Springsteen, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
Cause she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985
Woohoohoo
(1985)
Woohoohoo
She's seen all the classics, she knows every line
'Breakfast Club', 'Pretty in Pink'
Even 'St. Elmo's Fire'
She rocked out to Wham!
Not a big Limp Bizkit fan
Thought she'd get a hand
On a member of Duran Duran
Where's the mini-skirt made of snake skin
And who's the other guy that's singing in Van Halen
When did reality become TV
Whatever happened to sitcoms, game shows
On the radio was
Springsteen, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
Cause she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985
Woohoohoo
She hates time, make it stop
When did Motley Crue become classic rock
And when did Ozzy become an actor
Please make this stop, stop
Stop, and bring back
Springsteen, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
Cause she's still preoccupied
With 1985
Springsteen, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school
They tell her that she’s uncool
Cause she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985
February 25, 2005 It has been a very long day. I finished all of my classes and am now officially on Spring Break. What a relief!! I have a lot to think about in the next day. This Saturday a production company is going to film an interview with me for NBC, about my sister. It's something I haven't mentioned but they are basically going to interview all of us who loved her and then interview the recipients of her organs and then have us all meet. I've already met Kim's heart recipient. I'm nervous about the whole thing. They are going to show up at 7:30 in the morning to do hair and makeup and lighting in our tiny apartment. It's so selfish but all I can think about is how everyone who gets to watch the program will say "gee, she's gotten so fat!" What in the world am I going to wear? I know I'm too hard on myself. And I'm worried about going through all of the emotions of losing my sister in front of a camera. What am I going to say? That I miss her hugs and her spirit and I miss our girls night outs and talking on the telephone with her and just knowing that I will never ever have that again, knowing that she was the only one who truly knew how I felt- we lost our mother together. I'm scared about remembering in front of a camera all of those tubes and that when I got to the hospital they were already saying that she was in heaven with mom. Even all bloodied and bruised she was so beautiful. I hope that this program does her justice. I truly hope that it does not become a story about anything except how wonderful she was and how wonderful it is that she saved lives by donating her organs.My prayer is that I have faith that God will bless me as I tell my sister's story. After all, it isn't about how I look or whatever. It's about Kim. So tomorrow (well today really) I am going to clean the house from top to bottom i.e. hide the wine bottles that decorate our entertainment center and the dried up roses hanging on the walls. I want my apartment to look nice and neat. I may even take things off the refrigerator (gasp!) which might be hard because I live for decorating the refrigerator. Good news: Tomorrow we are going to a birthday party at Universal Studios Hardrock Cafe. That will be nice, to get out of the house. And I have been so good about drinking more water again. Less soda and more water. I've noticed again how bloated soda makes me. Anyway, I am looking forward to going out of the house and spending some time with my husband. He doesn't believe me but I really am so proud to be with him in public, even if he is a bank teller. Dennis is stressing out because he is trying to find a school that will give him a bachelor's degree in a year, so that he can start on his MBA. He puts so much pressure on himself and I just want him to know that I love him and that he is a good man, no matter what. I also got my diploma today. It's pretty :) I almost cried actually to see my name on a college diploma. I can't wait to frame it and hang it alongside Dennis' diploma. The rain is gone. That makes me sad because I actually like the rain. But it's supposed to start up again next week- it always makes our hills look so green and it really is a blessing considering how dry Southern California can be. Anyway, finally, my father in law is sick with food poisoning. Apparently there was this massive food poisoning of seafood in Santiago. My father in law never eats sea food and the one time he does, he gets food poisoning. It's actually really serious- the symptoms are like Cholera and like 400 people reported these symptoms. It makes me never want to eat fish in Chile for sure. The thing is, it was in a dish of raw seafood. I can't understand why he would eat raw seafood in the first place, if he hates seafood. He was better for a while but now he is sick again. It's like a walking Alanis Morissette song. Wellll, it's 3:11 am and I'm going to blog hop I guess so I'm outta here!
by the way, this is no longer cute. There is an infomercial for a haircutting product and this little blond boy makes the same face when his mom screws up his haircut. It's not cute or catchy. It's annoying and it needs to stop.
February 23, 2005 Do you ever have just one of those days?? I couldn't sleep last night at all. I woke up around noon today and started drinking water. Stepped on the scale and low and behold I was reading the damn thing wrong. I was reading it backwards. I didn't lose pounds. I GAINED six pounds. I am about to throw that sucker out of our window. On the brighter side of things I found out that Iara has linkware for free! So now I'm a member and I am so excited because her graphics are just so so adorable! And it's sunny today. Just when I want it to rain so I can feel sorry for myself, it's sunny. What is going on with our weather???? But the good thing is that the sun kept me awake and I was able to make great progress on my paper that is due tomorrow. I still have to go to the library tonight or tomorrow morning but I am almost done. Which is good because I have another paper to write tomorrow and email to my professor by midnight. I am taking in a lot of deep cleansing breaths. And I am ever so thankful again that I have a blog where I can de-stress and vent. Anyway, it is 7:52 Holy Cow! and Hubby is still not home but I am outta here!
February 22, 2005 I found this new blog meme and decided to give it a try so that I don't just have complaints in my blog. Here is my Wednesday Wishes, a day early because tomorrow I have to write a paper. 1. I wish I would hear some news about Luciana who I am worried about as she is sick and moving at the same time. 2. I wish that the rain would cancel school on Thursday 3. I wish that I could continue to lose weight. (I lost six lbs!) 4. I wish that my husband would decide on a school so that we could throw away all of his pamphlets from the different schools. 5. I wish that I didn't suffer from allergies. oh and I wish my hubby would stop freaking out because I don't have my W-2s yet. that's a sixth one but who's counting. Anyway, it's 6:05pm and he's home and hungry so we are outta here!Still raining by the way.
February 21, 2005 it' raining it's pouring...and I'm praying that they cancel school tomorrow. (It's really really raining.) Rain requires that I wear my boots. The right boot doesn't fit right so I'm praying for no school. (At Pepperdine, some even still wear sandals during the rain. Only in Southern California...)Anyway, It was a relaxing day. We went to church and then to lunch and then I catnapped all day long. (and did do some studying). And now, Dennis is sleeping and I'm watching court tv. And oh yeah, it's been raining non stop since lunch time. Anyway, I'm so glad my comment box is back up. I really get emotionally dependent on my comments like the neurotic blogger that I am. So it's 2:18am and I'm outta here!
February 20, 2005 Is something wrong with my comment box? I know Miriam can't post in it but are other people having the same problem? HMMMM.... Anyway, for whoever reads my blog, prayer request- my good friend Luciana just found out that she has diabetes and she is very sick. Please keep her in your thoughts as she is one of the sweetest girls I know. Rain Rain, go away....It's raining cats and dogs out here in Malibu. Down more south it's actually flooding! I like the sound of it but it's making my allergies/cold/whatever the hell is wrong with me not any better. And it means I have to wear my boots which isn't so bad, but the right one doesn't fit my right foot so well. LOL. Oh I'm just rambling to ramble. But please do keep Luciana in your thoughts, especially those of you who know her.anyway, it's 2:28am and I'm outta here!
February 18, 2005 I'm having problems sleeping again. Most of it is diabetes related. My new insulin is so tightly controlling my sugars that I am ALWAYS low and I hate being low in the middle of the night. I have been thinking alot about how important it is for me to be healthy for my husband and how important it is to get control of this stupid disease. It's very hard and frustrating because I do everything I can and I'm still out of control. Anyway, I'm just emotional right now anyway. I don't know why but for whatever reason I've just been sensitive lately. Maybe it's the rain. I've decided that I have got to make a page for the girls soon. They are apart of our lives and I really don't talk about them as much as I should. And they are apart of our family. I want them to know that I love them and want to include them, not as my stepdaughters, but as part of my family nonetheless. I feel like God has put me in a great position to help foster the relationship Dennis has with them. I know how it is to be far from your Dad and I know that when your parents are divorced and you live with a mom like mine, the Dad is always the bad guy. (His ex is alot like my mom). I just have a collage of thoughts going through my head right now. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to know that God loves, even if you don't love God. I've been thinking a lot about the legacy I want to leave on this Earth after I die- that money is not important, that power and prestige and a fancy SUV are nice but they are just things. I'm reminded that as a Christian, I am not of this Earth and yet I am called to serve this Earth. And I've been thinking a lot about what that means in my marriage. How can I serve Dennis? How can I "wash his feet" and how being a servant may sound terrible but it really is the only way to point up to God. It's the religion classes I'm taking. Lots of introspection. It's a good thing. My brother has not called me since he was bailed out of jail. I am worried that he is mad at me for not bailing him out. It's something I have to let go of. Like I said, I'm in an emotional few days here and maybe it has to do with the rain. Anyway, I have been listening a lot to a colombian singer, Soraya, whose songs really have been speaking to my heart. Depressing, slow music and rain. God, I need a dog. Anyway, it's 3:48 am and I'm going to try to get some sleep. And I am going to reduce my insulin intake. These low spells are getting on my nerves. when you have low blood sugar you have to eat something with sugar to stablize you hence extra calories that I sure don't need.So I am outta here!
February 17, 2005 I finally made our immigration page. We are after all an international couple. Click Here to see it. It's not really a guide on how to become a US resident as much as a critique of the system and the roadblocks that we encountered.It's 6:00am. I'm outta here!
February 15, 2005 What a busy stressful day!! I found out that I have to take out more loans for school but my sweet husband was so much more supportive than I feared. I also spent a good deal of time in the library. We are doing a hebrew/greek word study with Bible Concordances and it is a LOT of work. Interesting. But tedious. And now I am blogging because I am taking a break from the knitting I was trying to do for the past hour. I can't get past the first line and what is supposed to be relaxing is actually frustrating until I can get the hang of it. Anyway, yesterday went well. We went to our favorite restaurant and I had my gnocchi :)We were tired but still it was so nice to know that we could still feel like a couple. (still- I speak as if we've been married for years when its only been a year and a half!)Anyway, I'm watching my forensic shows and trying to knit unsuccessfully anything. (I'm not thinking big here. A scarf big enough for a chihuahua would be a miracle!) Anyway, I'm just trying to think up ways not to stress everyone around me OUT. so it's 2:21am (technically the 16th) and I'm outta here!
February 14, 2005 Happy Valentine's Day! I woke up to a huge huge white teddy bear and a balloon and a very sweet card from my husband :)I had class today and he had to work and I know his tummy wasn't feeling well so we might postpone going out to dinner. Anyway, I got some sweet gifts in the mail from Luciana and Jaymanda Anyway,It's 5:47 and hubby will be home soon so I'm outta here!
February 13, 2005 The blog world seems a little dead lately, hmm. Today I made Dennis watch "Bowling for Columbine" and he made me watch "The Terminal"- we were both surprised. I expected "Terminal" to be like "castaway" i.e. depressing but it wasn't. I reccomend it. And he let me buy a pregnancy test. I missed my period again this month and I can't understand why I'm usually like a clock but for whatever reason, lately, she just isn't there. I am not in menopause. I'm going to call my doctor and set up an appointment about it. Maybe I need a lower dosage or something? Annnyway, I'm not pregnant! Yay! one more day until valentine's day. well two if you consider that I'm still thinking it's saturday. what will my hubby do this year??? I can't wait to give him his gifts. I told him "don't buy me a teddy bear from the drug store on your way home from work." hint hint. Well, I'm rambling.It's 1:40am and I'm outta here!
February 10, 2005 I am so bored. I cannot sleep. It's actually tomorrow but I am so so sore from this cardio pilates dvd I've been working on. It's not actually changing anything in me physically but my heart is healthier and that's what counts right? Thursday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I haven't heard from my brother yet so I wonder if he is mad because I wouldn't post bail. Hmmm. Anyway, tomorrow some people are coming over from NBC to talk to me about a show they want to do on my sister. It means I have to clean. Can I continue complaining in my blog? It is the only place where I am allowed to be neurotic! I got the rest of Dennis' V-Day gift today. In addition to the coffee mug and teddy bear, I bought him a CD of his all time favorite artist's greatest hits. I can't wait because I love buying him things. It makes me happy. I know that I probably shop way to much but I can't help it. I love shopping. I was looking at february entries for last year. You wanna know how to make someone feel blessed? last year I was praying for Dennis to get his job. Now he has that job and his green card. that is being blessed. Anyway, I'm basically rambling and I don't have anything really important to say so it's 1:38 am and I'm going to go back to bed and watch CourtTV
February 09, 2005 My grandmother bailed my brother out of jail, against the wishes of me and my grandpa. She just couldn't sleep at night with my brother in jail until the end of March. I understand her and love her for loving him so much but I feel like she wasted her money because I know he is with his girlfriend right now. So that chapter is closed. Can I say outloud that I hate Thursdays? I have so much to do tomorrow and I don' wanna do it. I don't wanna finsih my paper and I don't wannna go to class until 10pm. Que sera sera, right? This is my job right now, to be a student, so I better suck it up and quit complaining. So it's 11:58 pm and I'm going to go to bed so I can wake up early to finish my paper. (I only have two more pages to go. I can handle it.) I'm outta here!
February 07, 2005 There is something wrong with my genetic code. I seriously believe there was a slip in the DNA working that made my family so screwed up. As it turns out, my brother was arrested for beating up his psycho girlfriend. the same girl that stabbed him and took out his call bladder and convinced him to drop charges because "she's tiny and he's a big guy so maybe it was self defense...."Both sides of my family have heavy tempers. Dennis can testify that when I get angry, you should run because I have a sharp toungue. But I pray and pray and pray that the violence that I grew up around and the violence that my brother is struggling with will not continue in my marriage and family with Dennis. Every night I pray that God will keep my temper down. I am so blessed to be married to a man who doesn't hit me even when I probably deserve it. I talked to my cousin, who is close to my brother. I guess Chris is in a detention center because he is under 21, which means he isn't with the rougher guys. And if he beat up his girlfriend and he has an obvious mental problem, a social worker should be assigned to him and he will be kept in protective custody. I just don't want my little brother to get himself into more trouble. I watch too much court TV to know about how inmates make weapons out of toothbrushes. I hope he knows that I do care about him even if I can't talk to him on the phone. Another prayer request. My cousin, who is 18 and a single mother, just got some negative pap-smear results that she has pre-cancerous cells on her cervix. She won't find out more info for a few weeks. (it sucks to be poor and dependent on state medical benefits.)She is really optimistic but my aunt is freaking out. I don't know anything about cancer but I am thankful that she already has a baby because if they have to operate on her cervix so that she can't have more babies, that would just hurt her so much. I guess I'm just rambling. Dennis still has the flu. I'm trying really hard to take care of him and to not stress him out with all of my family problems. The girls are on vacation with their mother and she won't answer her cell phone so we don't have any contact with them until they come home and he is really worried for them. I feel like we are doing fantastic- our marriage is going well, Dennis is legal and working, I'm in grad school, we have a good car and medical insurance. We are stable. But everyone around us is not and there is not a single thing I can do about it except pray. I hate that feeling that I am not being able to help. Anyway, my fingers are getting cold (we don't have heating)so I'm going to climb into bed.It's 12:26 am and I am outta here!
I wish I had a warm quilt right now. I want my teddy bear!
February 06, 2005 My brother is an idiot He got arrested yesterday. I don't even know why. He called my grandma collect and tried to explain why to her but she couldn't understand him and told him they wouldn't pay his bail. She called me last night because he wants US to pay his bail. Riiiight We live on campus and our phone won't let us accept collect phone calls. So guess who has been trying to call us collect? We can't accept collect phone calls even if I wanted to talk to him. Grrrrr... Anyway, we made an appearance at our apartment's superbowl party and put in our guess for who would win and for the score (who ever wins, get a cake) but we left pretty early. Dennis is getting the flu and I have to study. I guessed that the Patriots would win 27 to 21. We shall see. Anyway, I just had to vent that my brother is mentally hollow like a bowling ball. It's 5:36 pm (I think it's 7 to 7 and there will be no nipples during the halftime show) so I am outta here!
February 04, 2005 Yesterday was just an awful, long long day. So today I want to try something novel for the bitter blogger that I am. I am going to list 10 things that I am blessed by: 1. I live in Malibu. The scenery is gorgeous. 2. I know I will be here for the next 2 years and stability is very nice. 3. My husband does love me, even with the extra pounds, and I know that he loves me. 4. I have the ability to get healthier. Last night we had to pray for a woman with brain cancer and less than one year to live. I can fight and control my diabetes. 5. I am able to pursue an education. 6. I love my stepdaughters. I get joy from hearing how happy they are because of the letters and care packages we send to them and now the letters they send to me because they accept me. 7. I am thankful for a great mother in law who does not judge me but has opened her heart trustingly to me. 8. I am thankful that the death of my sister has brought me closer to my dad's parents, and that we are able to speak openly, like adults. 9. I am thankful that even if we don't have heating in our apartment, we do have an electric blanket. 10. I am thankful for my friend Lydia, who has been teaching me how to knit, which is harder than it looks. Well, that felt good. And it's refreshing because usually I fill up my blog with complaints. Anyway, I'm kinda sleepy and kinda hungry (bad together) so it is 11:43 and I am outta here!
February 03, 2005 ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I am trying to blog in peace and there is a piano in the student lounge and someone is trying painfully to play Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" and I can't think!!!! Who can study during this?? Isn't this rude??? I think I am just in a bad mood. I went to the doctor's today. My diabetes sucks so I have to increase my insulin intake and add pills. And I gained ten pounds. Loooveely. And I had to write a paper in two hours. As it turns out I wrote it completely wrong. And then after I turned that paper in, I had to find a computer and right a paper that is due in less than an hour. I just finished it right in time to hear "Tiny Dancer". Grrr. I have my head phones on and I am listening to Sin Bandera, a Chilean band I think. Anyway, they sing well so and they are mellow. But it doesn't drown out the jerk at the piano. Today would have been my sister's 17th birthday. I celebrated it last night when I went with my husband to see a band at "The Viper Room" in West Hollywood. I think that is where River Phoenix died but I'm not sure. It really wasn't worth the hype, if it is the same place. There were only a few places to sit and they were all reserved. But the band was okay. I am asked in my paper to answer the question "What is the deepest desire of my heart?" right now, it is to be with my sister. That would be followed by a close second of being in bed knocked out with sedatives. Oh now he's playing "Can You Feel The Love Tonight". No. I can't. Dennis is at a job interview with State Farm today. Fingers crossed. Really, just pray that I have the energy to make it through a four hour class on vocation and ministry. I am just not in the mood today to be in class until 10pm. I hate Thursdays. Okay, I'm going to go buy some batteries for my discman so it's 5:26pm and I am outta here!
January 29, 2005 Thank God it's the weekend. Even if the weekend is almost over. We are having guests today for dinner. It stresses me out that all the cleaning up of the house is left up to me. Maybe that's the catch to marrying a latino. He pays the bills and I clean the house. All by myself. Except for the trash which I ORDER him to take out. Anyway, we are maybe watching a movie but more than likely playing monopoly because Dennis challenged one of the husbands that is coming because Dennis thinks he is the best monopoly player ever. And one of the couples have never been to our house which may make things wierd. Pepperdine doesn't allow alcohol on campus, even for the married students. We break that rule from time to time and have broken it with our neighbors but we don't want to make our new friends feel wierd. Or atleast I don't want to make them feel wierd. I haven't yet discussed it with Dennis. I just wanted to spend sometime online before hubby comes home. I've done a lot of cleaning up but I want to look busy when he comes home so he doesn't pitch a fit.Anyway, it is 1:34pm and I have some dishes to do so I am outta here!
