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01/10/03

1 hr. 35 mins.
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphy, Christian Kane, David Moscow, Monet Mazur, Veronica Cartwright, David Rashe
Directed by: Shawn Levy

Rating: ** stars (out of 4 stars)

There’s nothing like the inevitable awkwardness of fresh young love, right? Well, director Shawn Levy (Big Fat Liar) tries to deliver the comedic portrait of upstart marital bliss in the goofy but lacking romantic flick Just Married. Levy’s slapstick vehicle about wet-behind-the-ear newlyweds from the opposite sides of the social spectrum is obviously meant to appeal to the targeted teen and young adult demographics. Although the movie maintains that its penchant for predictable pratfalls, screwy sight gags and cutesy bickering is an endearing asset, the results are still tepid and unevenly distributed. Levy and screenwriter Sam Harper want to take us along for the jittery joyride regarding these two modern-day klutzy Romeo and Juliet prototypes and the pseudo-charming clumsy episodes that make up their honeymoon-based hilarity but they come up short. The script does conveniently tap into the anxiety of this young married couple’s union by introducing outside distractions that are constantly testing their patience. However, the whole proceeding behind Just Married feels blandly gimmicky and hastily cobbled together to register anything as genuinely nutty or sincerely sweet.

We meet the disenchanted twosome of Tom Leezak (Ashton Kutcher, Dude, Where’s My Car?) and Sarah McNerney (Brittany Murphy, 8 Mile) as they arrive back from their European honeymoon trip. Apparently the just-marrieds are not on speaking terms and can’t stand the sight of one another. The experience of starting off their life-long relationship as elated husband and wife abroad proved to be too much for the Leezaks to bear. So just what did happen to spoil a promising bond between two young, energetic loving individuals?

Before the major conflicts would arise in Tom and Sarah’s hectic existence, everything seemed quite peachy. They innocently met through an accidental circumstance on the beach. Sensing instant karma, the couple became close and would stick to each other like glue. As they decided to get engaged, there was understandable skepticism that abounded from loved ones concerned for the seemingly incompatible duo. The McNerney clan, a wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills-based family, weren’t too thrilled with the idea of their precious Sarah, a Wellesley graduate with a degree in art history, to hook up with the former community college student and meager wage-earner “bum” Tom. Of course Tom doesn’t have the elitist upbringing that his darling Sarah was exposed to all her privileged life. Working at a radio station as a late-night traffic reporter isn’t likely to endear good old Tom to his snooty in-laws-to-be. It also won’t instill confidence in The McNerneys to believe that this dolt can provide for their treasured princess either.

Soon, Tom and Sarah get married despite the reservations from doubting outsiders. They quickly embark on their romantic trip to Italy afterwards where the proverbial butter will soon hit the pan. Gradually, little incidents start to reveal an emerging strain in their once impeccable relationship. Basically, it’s the snowball effect where one minor mishap seems to take on a major crisis. Whether it’s childish Tom complaining about the inadequate service in the hotel room or the couple freaking out over an enormous bug in their bed just before they make whoopee, the mishaps keep coming thus putting the puzzled tandem in the dire realization that maybe they weren’t meant to be together after all. Also, the movie even resorts to the clichéd notion of adding a former lover into the chaotic mix-Sarah’s ex-beau Peter (Christian Kane)-as he visits Venice hoping to stir up more emotional turmoil for the plagued pair.

Just Married is nothing more than an excruciating, cockeyed contrivance. Levy doesn’t do much in this mediocre slaphappy showcase but randomly display dimwitted physical bits that are either needlessly exhausting to endure or too lame to care about. The plot is not nearly as clever as it thinks it is with its rip-off of such inspirations that range from The Out of Towners to Meet the Parents (especially with the emphasis on David Rasche and Veronica Cartwright playing the familiar snobbish riff on the “your not good enough for my daughter mode/frustrated parents” bit). The movie sloppily invites all the raucousness to occur without once giving any significant meaning to the angst behind all the mayhem. In scene after scene, we are privy to a string of nonsensical happenings with cartoonish characters masquerading as befuddled participants in the unwilling wackiness. There’s no defining gusto or keen zest behind the so-called laughable stock situations that Levy haphazardly presents as frivolous fodder.

This undeniably unfocused fable about a spontaneous whirlwind love affair gone awry could have been a viable and off-kilter insightful look at the inexplicable nature of two differently flawed human forces joining as one amidst the uncertainties of life’s unexpected curveballs. But the film wants to simply settle for being misguided and obnoxious therefore hoping that youthful audiences in particular would soak up the craziness in kooky high spirits. However, with exasperating stereotypical transparent characters and insufferable mawkish manufactured scenarios, Just Married works feverishly on one’s fragile nerves. Even the contrasting dilemmas are not all that involving or adequately explored with noted aplomb: the social elite vs. the blue collar working class, brassy Americans vs. clueless Europeans, domestic sensibilities vs. foreign affairs, earthy hobbies and interests vs. sophisticated tastes, the strength of love before and after marriage, etc.

Kutcher, whom a majority of the television audience know as the lovable airhead from Fox-TV’s That ‘70s Show, plays the annoying Tom with a grating and thudding boorish touch. He’s not very sympathetic and one can’t help but to question why Sarah (or any sensible young gal who’s breathing) would want to alienate their relatives and associates for tolerating the likes of this irksome numbskull? Tom is not only the typical Ugly American overseas but he’s a whiny cad who deserves to toil in his misery. In fact, the questionable behavior of Kutcher’s alter ego defeats the purpose of a diligent working stiff who may have a lot to offer in spite of his woefully financial shortcomings. Murphy fares better by showing some restraint and quiet tolerance as the bewildered Sarah. When she’s in the mood for touring around for expressionistic church walls as a noteworthy sight-seeing adventure, her boozing hubby wants to lie about and catch Dodgers baseball on the satellite boob tube. Hmmm, young love--go figure, huh?

In watching the harried antics of a blustery mismatched married couple in the disjointed Just Married, we ultimately come up with this forethought: is there anyway we can get our 95 minutes annulled from this marital mockery?