MEN
Husbands are proof that women have a sense of humor.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? -> You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway!
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
MENstrual cramps, MENtal illness, MENopause... ever notice how most of women's troubles begin with "men?"
All men are idiots...I married their king.
Marriage is grand, but divorce is twenty grand.
Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are too small.
Men are like floor tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for a lifetime.
Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like lava lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like bike helmets: handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like bank accounts, without a lot of money they don't generate much interest.
Men are like high heels, easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like miniskirts, if you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
Men are all the same, they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her butt.
Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? A: His body
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

SANITY
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
It's not so bad being senile; you get to meet many more people.

CONSCIENCE
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of bad memory.

DRIVING
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
If you don't like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Cover me, I'm changing lanes!

EXERCISE
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I'm in shape...round is a shape.
I have the body of a god-Buddha.

STUPIDITY
Never argue with an idiot, they'll only drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
God must love stupid people; he made so many.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Stupidity is not a handicap!Park elsewhere!

EATING
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Forget love, I'd rather fall into chocolate!
How many vegetables had to die for your stupid salad?
Vegetarian: Native American definiton for "lousy hunter."

Drinking, Shot Glasses
Time is a waste of life, life is a waste of time, so lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Remember my name, you'll be screaming it later
Avoid hangovers-stay drunk
I tried sniffing coke before, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!
I've got a drinking problem, two hands and only one mouth.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I'm trying to graduate with a 4.0-blood alcohol level.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
One drink, I feel good, two drinks, I feel everyone.

Things I've Learned
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you, all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that if at first you don't succeed, check if the loser gets anything.
I've learned that brain cells come and go, but fat cells are forever.

RANDOM
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never quit AND never win are idiots.
Mirrors don't talk, and luckily for you they don't laugh either!
The light at the end of the tunnel just might be the headlight of the oncoming train.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!
Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong
Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
Drugs aren't bad, drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
My knight in shining armor is lost in the woods and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Be Naughty! Save Santa the trip.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Quoting is plagiarism. Qouting many is research.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out
Only a pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
It's only funny until someone gets hurt... then it's hilarious.
Tact is something for people not witty enough to use sarcasm.
Never put off until tomorrow what can be avoided altogether.
Quiet brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.
Before you open your mouth to speak, please make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.
My brain: it's my second favorite organ.
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please!
Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
On the banister of life, let there be no splinters pointing your way.
Do not disturb, I'm disturbed enough already.
Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
"They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
Good girls are just bad girls that have never been caught.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Dont hate me because I'm beautiful - hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful!
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Well today was just a total waste of makeup!
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A Messy room Is A Happy room... And my room Is Delirious
Do I look like a freakin' people person?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
If nobody's perfect,I am nobody, therefore I am perfect.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
People are never too busy to tell you all that they have to do.
Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so sex is in!
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean!

PICK-UP LINES
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns
You make my heart race like a fat man chasing a donut

LIFE LESSONS
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

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