Top Eleven Reasons Why We Can't Understand Men
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are
only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,don't think
we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,somewhat nice and
have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and
thank God are heterosexual,
are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us
when we take the initiative.
Top Ten lies parents tell their children:
10. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.
9. I've had enough of your crap...I'm calling your REAL
parents to come and take you back.
8. Just tell me the truth and you won't get in trouble.
7. If you sit that close to the TV you're going to go blind.
6. We took Fido to live on a farm in the country.
5. You'll go to Hell if you masturbate.
4. The stork brought you to us, honey.
3. When I was your age I walked 10 miles to school, up hill
both ways, in the snow.
2. Santa Claus won't leave you any presents unless you're on your best behavior.
1. Remember son, girls like a gentleman.
The Top Five Worst Things Elementary School Teachers Can Say to Their Students
By Charlize Luzon
5. Of course there's a Santa Claus--you've just never seen him because you've been bad, bad children.
4. No one likes a tattletale--especially vengeful God, who punishes ones named Kenny by sending them to Hell where they hang from their ears over scalding hot cauldrons of boiling feces.
3. If you don't listen to me right now you're going get pregnant by age 14, drop out of high school, and work at Subway for the rest of your life--just like Jacob's mom.
2. Kevin has nicer shoes than you Sean because his parents love him more.
1. I'm not allowed to teach you about drugs, but I'll just say this: Don't do them. And by "drugs" you understand I'm not talking about alcohol, cigarettes, or marijuana, because those are ok now and then.
The Top 18 Worst Things You Can Say on a First Date
(From Brassknuckles.com)
18. Do you want to get Mexican food? Tom likes Mexican food. Mexican food makes Tom fart. Why are you looking at Tom that way?
17. All the voices in my head agree you look beautiful.
16. You can come back to my place once my parents go to sleep.
15. So let me get this straight, yes means yes, and no means tie you up, right?
14. I usually date attractive girls, but I've decided I really should be with someone more like you.
13. The ladies don't call me "smooth" for nuthin...
12. My wife doesn't mind that I have girlfriends. They usually babysit the kids when I take her out.
11. If we're stopped by the cops this is your brother's car and you don't know what's in the trunk!
10. That was your sister? She has really big tits for a 14 year old.
9. It's a real miracle drug. I couldn't control my herpes without it!
8. I'm so glad you agreed to go out with me. I just started using Viagra and I've been wanting to see how well it works...
7. I asked you out because you look so much like my last girlfriend. I still think about her all the time and being with you is almost as good as being with her.
6. I'm glad we're going out. I got 8 kids at home that need a new mama!
5. Man your friend looked incredible! Can I have her number just in case things don't work out tonight?
4. A lot of people think Scientology is a cult but that's not true. In fact, I want you to come to a meeting with me tomorrow to prove it. No I insist, you will come to the meeting tomorrow! You don't want the Thetans to eat your soul do you?
3. When you date as many prostitutes, strippers, and junkies as I do it's nice to finally be going out with a classy woman like you!
2. That Big Mac and fries cost $5.24. That means when we go to my place later you owe me $5.24 worth of luvin'.
1. Wow, you kiss like my sister!
Top 18 Fun Things To Do While Driving
18. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to
headbang.
17. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
With a look of fear, lock your doors.
16. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.
The more it looks like blood, the better.
15. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger
seat, when driving alone.
14. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your
window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
13. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
11. Sing without having the radio on.
10. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
9. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
8. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
7. Restart your car at every stop light.
6. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to
them, stroking them lovingly.
5. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto
other cars.
4. Keep at least five cats in the car.
3. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy
sex.
2. Stop and collect roadkill.
1. Stop and pray to roadkill.
Top 14 Worst Things to Say to a Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
6. Wow, and your feet are so big.
7. (giggle and point)
8. Why is God punishing you?
9. At least this won't take long.
10. But it still works, right?
11. Are you cold?
12. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
13. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
14. Where's the rest of it?
Top 8 signs your Amish teen is in trouble:
8. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
7. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without
bonnets.
6. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
5. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
4. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
3. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
2. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause
the beard ain't listening."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.