ShortyElf, Aydria Eleñlínn, Aslan el Blanco, Varda Elentari

(oops.  late addition of Ringers Rock! to the TECP list)

And two particularly funny ones: 

AyAyAy!dria Eleñlínn

1.  “Open in the name of Big Bird!” said a voice thin and menacing.

2.  What did Sam say/do to tell off Bill Ferny?  "Go stick your face in a trash can, you grouch!"

3.  What or whom was tormenting the hobits in the Midgewater Marshes? A giant Snuffalupagus.

4.  What were Sam, Merry and Pippen doing that upset Frodo and attracted the Black Riders?

Saying the alphabet letters... in the wrong order!

5.  What story did Strider tell the hobbits while they were resting at Weathertop?

"Once upon a time, there was the letter S..."

Varda Elentari

1.  “Open in the name of Jose Cuervo” said a voice thin and menacing.
2.  What did Sam say/do to tell off Bill Ferny? he threated to call out this friend he had, who was strong, tough, and would burn you like a mother...the friend's name?  Jose Cuervo.

3.  What or whom was tormenting the hobits in the Midgewater Marshes?
Gandalf in a sombereo, naked, drunk on a fifth of Jose Cuervo

4.  What were Sam, Merry and Pippen doing that upset Frodo and attracted the Black Riders?
Lighting their farts on fire (after getting drunk off a fifth of Jose Cuervo- it gives Hobbits gas)

5.  What story did Strider tell the hobbits while they were resting at Weathertop?
Let's just say it involved himself, Legolas, and TWO fifths of Jose Cuervo.  Fiestaaaaa!!!

 Now for the LOL list and my ROFLMAO winners!

1.  “Open in the name of ___________” said a voice thin and menacing.

*   "Open in the name of...uh, I mean Cantelope! What?" *whispered exchange* "Sorry, Mellon! Mellon, I say! Hello? Ah, nuts..." said a voice thin and menacing. (Kendig)  ROFLMAO!

*   Fluffy, the Marshmallow Balrog! (Anamírë)

*   Celine Dion (Los Arboles de Yavanna)

*   Sesame (Bree Baggins, TTT Ultimate Fan)

*   “Open in the name of  Arthur, King of the Britains!”(Ayaediran, Aslan el Blanco)

*   Pedro (the South of the Border mascot) (Frito Hoy)

*   “Open in the name of Calista Flockhart" said a voice thin and menacing. (El Martillo del Enemigo de Gondolin, aka Foe Hammer of Gondolin)

*   Open in the name of love! (Estella Brandybuck, Lurking Girl, LOTR_nutcase, SarcasticElf)

*   >...*draws a blank* first word that came to my mind was Doritos (blanche_niphredil)

*   “Open in the name of Idaho” said a voice thin and menacing. *yeah, thats right, im the dark lord now, what you gonna do about it? thought so :p* (Idaho)

*   “Open in the name of Aragorn son of Arathorn,son of...(and he went way back) (person)

*   “Open in the name of lieu-aw” said a voice thin and menacing. (said in heavy Inspecteur Clouseau accent) (glorfin2)

*   “Open in the name of Martha Stewart” said a voice thin and menacing.  "I know you've got mismatched bed linens and those tacky '70s Tupperware 'Mushroom' canister sets in there!!!" (Eowyn of Penns Woods; Pájaro Cantante de Varda , aka Varda’s songbird)

* "Open in the name of Domino's Pizza!  No checks!", said a voice thin and menacing. (Darkstone)

“Open in the name of the Spanish Inquisition!” said a voice thin and menacing. (Eärendil El Marinero, aka Eärendil the Mariner; Magrat)

* "Open in the name of all that you deem unholy, you sodding drunk Hobbits! I told you not to play with the gate keys, but nooooo! You have to act like big shots in front of all those Orcs. How the heck am I going to explain this one to Gandalf and Strider? They're still miffed at me for the blanket party incident last weekend," said a voice thin and menacing. (Psyphon)

* Open in the name of dancing pineapples in bikinis” said a voice thin and menacing. (Arian Ithilsar)

* "Mr T! I pity da fool who don't open de door!!" (luinfalathiel)

*   "Open in the name of all things alcoholic" said a voice thin and menacing. (anillodores piedra!, aka ringers rock!)

*   "Spa-a-a-a-a-m...Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!" (La Joya Roja, aka Jewel)

*   Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo; Ringwraith Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard. *man runs away crying*  Ringwraith Barney: Come back Joey Joe Joe! (Sowen)

*   “Open in the name of The Shire Society Panto Players, here for one night only at the Royal Rivendell Opera House(tickets at the Imladris booking office, no refunds)” said a voice thin and menacing. (Amatire)

*   Steven Spielberg (Luinaelin)

*   George Lucas (Seillib)

*   Professor Snape...oops, wrong movie! (Miriel Telcontar)

2.  What did Sam say/do to tell off Bill Ferny?

*   "Here's an eye-opener, and no mistake!" Sam said as he kicked Bill in the frijoles. (Darkstone)  ROFLMAO!

*   Bill Ferny: You dropped your rock;  Sam: Test of manhood!;  Bill Ferny: You win. , (Pájaro Cantante de Varda, aka Varda’s Songbird)  ROFLMAO!

*   Threatened to pluck his fronds. (Magrat)

*   Sam grabbed Bill Ferny, tied him up and then hung him from his underwear on the washing line.  “Well Ferny, it looks as though your laundering days are over.  You’ve been hung out to dry.”  Then Sam thought to himself “Hmm... with a dry cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.” (Sowen)

*   "Im sorry Bill, but you just arent what we were looking for, the part of *back end of a horse* is such a vital role, and the elves are after quality not quantity.. we've decided to give your part to a REAL pony." (Amatire)

*   Sam;*sniff* Go away; Bill; What?; Sam; leave now, and never come back!
Bill; What?; Sam; leave now, and never come back! *gasp* we told him to go away! we told him to go away, and away he went! (Arian Ithilsar)

*   Mooned him (Bree Baggins, TTT Ultimate Fan, Anamírë)

*   "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!"  (readies Holy Hand Grenade) (Ayaediran, CAhobbit, Miriel Telcontar)

*   "Yeah, well *you'll* never have any fangirls, so THERE! They're even going to cut your part in the movie! So THERE!" (Shadowfaxrules)

*   "I'll get you, my pretty... and your little dog, too!" (Frito Hoy)

*   Sam didn't do anything. It was Bill the pony who left a little going away present on Bill Ferny's front lawn (La Joella, aka Joelle)

*   'Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history ' (Ossë)

*   Helped forge an unholy alliance between Old Man Willow and the ex-patriot Entwives against that Ferny b@$*@$d who'd been letting his d@&%ed animals foul up the Withywindle for YEARS! (Kendig)

*   He mashed 'im, boiled 'im, stuck 'im in a stew... He makes rare good ballast for an empty stomach! (Marigold Gamgee)

*   Hit him like a Cinco de Mayo piñata (Lurking Girl)

*   "You're father was an orc, and your mother wasn't any better!" (BrambleroseBrandybuck)

*   Launched a cow at him. (Fetchez la vache!) (SarcasticElf)

*   "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse" (said in heavy Godfather accent) (glorfin2)

*   "Two words: Body Waxing"..."oh, and FYI: cologne is for *after* showering, not *instead of*." (Eowyn of Penns Woods)

*   Ni! Ni! (Aslan el Blanco)

*   Sam snatched the Coronas form Bill's hands, slammed them back, cracked the empty bottles over has hand and gave a very manly, "Grrrrrrr…." (anillodores piedra! aka ringers rock!)

*   "Yo, Bill Ferny! *Insert rude gesture here*."(Seillib)

3.  What or whom was tormenting the hobbits in the Midgewater Marshes?

*   "Row, row, row your boat gently down th- No, no, no! You came in too early Merry! Frodo, you start first. Then Pippin, then me and then Sam. C'mon guys, make this work! Row, row, row your boat, gently- No! you did it AGAIN! AFTER the first verse! Remember?"  "He dies tonight." (Kendig)  ROFLMAO!

*   Aragorn's stench once again, it had attracted all the insects in the entire Middle Earth to their traveling party. (JessLynn)

*   The memory of Bill Ferny in fishnets and garters. (Los Arboles de Yavanna, aka The Trees of Yavanna)

*   Gollum on crack (Bree Baggins)

*   Richard Simmons.  He got lost on his way to another Verizon commercial. (Ayaediran)

*   Leonard Nimoy. Cast as a wandering minstrel, he followed our heroes into the marsh serenading them with the only Middle-earth song he knew, "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins." At camp that night, Strider left "to go hunting." The singing ceased within minutes, and Nimoy was found the next morning strangled by the strings of his lute. (Frito Hoy)

*   ...abominable creatures haunting the reeds and tussocks that from the sound of them were evil relatives of Leonard Nimoy. There were thousands of them, and they squeaked the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins unceasingly....Midge's repeated roaming calls to her friend Barbie:"Can you hear me now?"....the Buddweiser frogs....and even the sausage from dinner seemed to be singing in a voice all its own... (Eowyn of Penns Woods)

*   The French Taunters! 'So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.'  (Ossë, CAhobbit)

*   Strider kept sneaking in and putting taks down where the poor hobbits were getting ready to sit.  They kept getting taks stuck in their bums everytime they tried to sit down.  Very annoying and painful.  (Lurking Girl)

*   A very ill-tempered rabbit. (BrambleroseBrandybuck)

*   Pippin. He was singing "I know a song that gets on everybodys nerves" nonstop. He said he wouldn't quite until Frodo gave him the mushrooms back, which was NOT going to happen any time soon. (La Joella, aka Joelle)

*   Strider. He had heard one hobbit geneology chart and complaint about second-breakfast too many. (blanche_niphredil)

*   blood sucking fan girls, you suprinsingly can’t even feel the bite (Idaho, LOTR_nutcase, Shadowfaxrules)

*   Fangirls...no worse...the fangirls' boyfriends. (SarcasticElf)

*   Hemorrhoids. (Kimi)

*   The worst, however, was when Pippin tried to cheer them up by singing "this is the song that doesn't end, it just goes on and on my friend, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now they'll go on singing it forever just because it is the song that...." (glorfin2)

*   Telemarketers calling in the middle of their meals. (Darkstone)

 4.  What were Sam, Merry and Pippen doing that upset Frodo and attracted the Black Riders?

*   They kept walking to different areas of the camp saying "Can you hear me now? Good." (blanche_niphredil) ROFLMAO!

*   They had a contest to see who could belch the entire Lay of Luthien. (Anamírë)  ROFLMAO!

*   Well, yelling "Come on Frodo, show is the One Ring again!" surely didn't help. (El Martillo del Enemigo de Gondolin, aka Foe Hammer of Gondolin)

*   They were having an animated discussion of X2, which Frodo hadn't seen yet, that included a number of spoilers. (Los Arboles de Yavanna, aka The Trees of Yavanna)

*   "Dancing" along to Village People and singing YMCA rather loudly...in mithril thongs (composite of Ayaediran, person, TTT Ultimate Fan)

*   Having a Cinco de Mayo fiesta. (Shadowfaxrules)

*   The hokey-pokey. The Riders just couldn't resist when they put their left foot in and shook it all about. (Frito Hoy)

*   Telling that hot one about the Goth chick who got really turned on by bodiless wraiths with rusted swords (Kendig)

*   Putting blobs in their footers. (Marigold Gamgee)

*   They were singing from "Silmarillon -- The Musical."  (They serenaded Frodo in español.)  (Lurking Girl, Arian Ithilsar)

*   Playing to much tig.  Frodo still couldn’t get the concept of not tiging a tag and so forth. (CAhobbit)

*   Practicing Carnimirie's patented "Pound And Roll" technique (LOTR_nutcase)

*   Practicing light-saber fighting.  Those were actually light sabers they found in the Barrow-Downs! (Galadlinderiel)

*   Set up a large neon sign that read "Get your Hobbits here!" (SarcasticElf)

*   The Full Monty. (Kimi)

*   singing "Frodo, Don't Wear The Ring"---Pippin; Wagner's "Der Ring Des Niebelungen"---Sam in a booming contralto whilst Pippin held two carrot 'horns' behind his head; "Ring My Bell"---Merry in his falsetto impression of Pippin.... not to mention playing Ring-around-the-Rosie as a dig at Sam. (Eowyn of Penns Woods)

*   They were setting alight the Weathertop beacon, which, Frodo realized to his horror, was Ring shaped.  (Darkstone)

*   Their rendition of the theme to "Men in Black" (Pájaro Cantante de Varda , aka Varda’s Songbird)

*   Sing a song called "Frodo-the-Not-So Brave-as-Strider." (Aslan el Blanco, aka White Aslan)

*   Rehearsing their "Voulez vous couchez avec moi" number. (luinfalathiel)

*   Singing (off-key, of course) "We're knights of the round table, we dance when we're able..." (La Joya Roja)

*   Three-part harmony on kazoos (Luinaelin)

*   Singing 'May It Be' at the top of their lungs. (Seillib)

5.  What story did Strider tell the hobbits while they were resting at Weathertop?

*   (a la Will Smith, Fresh Prince style)  (Lurking Girl)  Oh my!  ROFLMAO!!

    Now this is the story all about how my life got twisted upside down and I'd like to take a minute just sittin right there I'll tell you how I became a Ranger from a town called Rivendell.

In central Gondor City I'm born and raised in a castle is where I've spent the most of my days chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and all shooting some arrows outside of the grounds when a couple of guys, they were up to no good started making trouble in my neighbourhood I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said "you're moving with the elven King Elrond in Rivendell.

     I begged and pleaded with her day after day but she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way she gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket I put my sword on and said I might as well kick it.

    First class, yo this is bad, drinking aged wine out of a champagne glass if this's what the people of Rivendell livin' like, hmm this might be alright!

    I whistled for a horse and when it came near the haltar plate said "Fast" and had a gray streaks in it's hair if anything I could say that this horse was rare but I thought now forget it, go home to Rivendell.

     I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the horsey "Go, home smell you later" looked at the kingdom I was finally there to wander off as the Ranger of Rivendell.

*   Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Arwen and she was loved by a big, smelly long lost King . . . (JessLynn)

*   Tom Bombadil: Behind the Music. (Los Arboles de Yavanna, aka The Trees of Yavanna)

*   Oh sit right down and you'll hear a tale..." (Bree Baggins)

*   This one time, at band camp..(Ayaediran)

*   His original plan was to recite the Lay of Leithian, but Pippin objected, thinking it was for adults only. Then he thought he might tell The Man Who Would Be King, but thought better of it (too egotistical). He finally settled on the reliable classic Green Eggs and Ham, much to the chagrin of Master Gamgee who had to tolerate relentless teasing from the other hobbits for several days ("I don't like them, Sam I Am!"). (Frito Hoy)

*   "The Elves" by the Brothers Grimm (El Martillo del Enemigo de Gondolin; aka Foe Hammer of Gondolin)

*   "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." (La Joella (Joelle); Marigold Gamgee, Seillib)

*   Return of the King. Spoiled the whole quest for them too... (Ossë)

*   His life story. The constant droning attracted the Black Riders, not the fire, though this fact was left out for PR reasons.... (LOTR_nutcase, person, Galadlinderiel)

*   He was reciting his genealogy back to Elros. Hobbits like that sort of thing. (Kimi)

*  (think Brady Bunch) (glorfin2)

"Here's the story of and Elf named Arwen
Whose father was the lord of Rivendell.
She had twin bros, blond like their mother
But this is not about them...

It's the story of a gorgeous Ranger
Who was brought up by his mum in Rivendell
Some call him Strider and think he's creepy,
But he will show them all...

Then the one day he was walking in the forest
And he spied the lovely Arwen Evenstar
He said, my lady, i must still be dreaming
For you outshine the stars..."

At this point, the hobbits packed their ears with the remaining mushrooms, which is a big deal when you think of it, and heard no more...

*         "In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Oh, you know that one. Okay....Evenst---Buttercup---was raised on a small commune,no,*farm* in the country of Riven---I mean Florin...Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the Rang--er er er *farm boy* who worked there. His name was Ara---um Westman, no *Westley*! Yeah. But she never called him that. Nothing gave 'Buttercup' as much pleasure as ordering 'Westley' around...".... ["No, I *can't* skip ahead to the fire swamp, you'll have to wait for The Two Towers like eveyone else, Pippin!"] (Eowyn of Penns Woods)

*         He told them about the time when he and Gandalf went bar-hopping in Esgaroth... Let's just say - they both ended up in the lake... (Eärendil El Marinero)

*         Goldilocks and the nine Wraiths (Arian Ithilsar)

*         The Story of the Film So Far: "Pucky Reginald Vas Deferens is a nuclear scientist..." (La Joya Roja)

*         Strider told the hobbits the story of how he wasn’t originally cast as Aragorn.  They all just rolled their eyes and said “glug”. (Sowen)

*         His own retelling of "The Once and Future King (Miriel Telcontar)

*         He told them the story of Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. (Anamírë)