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About EHW
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Living Without Fear -- A Personal Journey By Mark Lowes When I look back at my life, I have really been in the lowest lows. I experimented with drugs from when I was 11 to about 18 years old. I had bad school grades, was a high school drop out and was full of self hate. Drugs gave me a sense of utopia and escape. It deadened my emotional pain that I was afraid to feel. I was very close to death when I was about 18. I weighed 86 pounds. I would steal kraft dinners at 7-11 when I got hungry. On days that I was so drugged, I crawled home on my hands and knees on snowy ground for a whole block to get home. The worst was when I lost track of time. I was lying on my sofa, hallucinating. My heart was skipping beats. I lost track of time. I had gone days without eating, drinking or urinating. I remember having a revelation with God when I said to myself: "I could either die on the sofa or get up and start living." I asked God to take me, but God had other plans for me. There was no love in living this life, but still I lived on. I had to choose life. It took many years for me to look in the mirror and love what I saw. Most times, I would look in the mirror and cry. I saw the pain, the ugliness in my life. The regrets I suffered. It took me one year to "dry out" and recuperate from my drug addiction, two years to stop hallucinating every night, and ten full years before I would stop hallucinating completely. My road to recovery included a retraining program in a community college to get my high school equivalency diploma, a year in electronics training where I learned useful skills, and a degree in engineering and health care. Most of my drive came from my desire to show my non-supportive family that they weren't going to keep me down. Ironically, I was pleasantly surprised to find that their recognition, when it came, meant nothing to me. I was proud of me, and that was all that mattered. I finally had enough self-esteem to love myself. Another turning point in my life came one day when I came home, after my usual one hour commute from college to my father's house where I was staying at the time. My father was drunk, with a whiskey bottle in his hand. There were whiskey bottles, beer cans, and food scraps everywhere. All the food I had bought was gone. This was not the first time I had to resort to eating scraps off other people's plates. But this time, when I went upstairs to my bedroom, I found all my bed, dresser and personal belongings gone. My father had moved them all to his friend's garage, as he had sold the house. I felt violated once again. I had no food, clothes and not even a bed to lie on. I was so tired and angry that I was shaking, just barely holding on. Blinded by rage, I was going out the door to my car to get my things. Half way down the drive I stopped. Something came over me. I told myself: "Enough is enough! I'm worth more than this!" All of a sudden I was calm. I became focused. I can honestly say, more focused then I had ever been in my life. I knew it was time to burn my bridges. It was time to tell my father all the hurt he has caused in my life, tell him how I felt about him. I went back into the house strong, focused and controlled. My father sat there and listened, only trying to interrupt once. My tongue was sharp, skillful and quick. This was something coming from a boy who used to stutter. When I finished, I felt a sense of peace within me I had never felt before. I felt the weight and burden of all that pain had been lifted from me. I walked out and closed the door to the house and to my past. I drove to my father's friend's house and collected my personal belongings and furniture. I took them to my mother's house, the house of my childhood. I brought them down to an area of our yard where we burn leaves, poured gas on them and set them on fire. As I watched them burn, I felt a growing sensation of freedom. I got back into my car and drove out of town. As I looked into my rearview mirror I could see my past fade away. I vowed never to let it catch up to me again. I finally burned those bridges, closed the door on that part of my life. Now life begins! I moved to the town of my college. This was the beginning of the end of my destructive relationship with my family. With my new found power and sense of self worth, over the next ten years, I slowly severed the ties with my family. I finally overcame my fears: the fear of being alone and the fear of being rejected. Out of desperation, it finally became clear to me that I had always been alone, and I had always been rejected by my family. So to end these destructive relationships could only be beneficial. Today, I look back and feel that this was indeed a significant turning point for me. For the first time, I felt as though my lungs opened up. I was no longer the victim. I had no fear. I felt reborn. I felt as if the burning signified the burning of my complete past. I felt empowered for the first time in my life. Because my life with my family was full of ugliness, and it was a painful process to be a part of their lives, I made a choice to sever my ties with them. I felt that being anchored by my family's burden, I could have chosen either to drown with my family or to move on. After many years, I have learned to forgive my family for their weaknesses. Although I do not feel the need to communicate with them anymore, I no longer feel the hate I used to feel. Most importantly, I know there is no regret for my actions. I sometimes think my previous bullies and enemies have created a pain in me that make me not want to hurt anybody, to have them experience the pain I felt. I have become a sensitive person because of my past. Commenting on my personality, some people say I am verbose, I talk a lot, but I tell them it is because I have no fear. I used to live in fear all my life, and this got me nowhere. When you think about it, why should we fear anything - such as losing our jobs or money or speaking our minds? I realize we should not fear living, nor should we fear dying. Revealing ourselves in all our human imperfections is often the best gift we can give anyone. I am a stronger spirit now because of what I have been going through and because I know who I am. I have gone through the process of really dissecting myself, looking at my ugliest depths, digging deep down and doing some soul searching. After all, why should we live in a dead shell? Sometimes, I think about my mother and ask, "Why did she become such a bitter, angry and hostile person? Why didn't she just dig it all out, let it go free? Why did she live in hatred? How did she become so heavy and burdened with life? How did she become so cynical?" Sometimes our pain is so buried inside of ourselves, but it is best to let our pain roll off us. In my journey to recovery and to becoming a renewed person, I had to allow spiritual healing to take place first. I now feel translucent, not like the armor I once was. It is healthy to let our conscious mind stop and let God into our subconscious to lighten our deepest darkest areas, like He has done to mine. God may not answer your prayers right away, but when it is the right time for it to happen, it happens. I believe God is within us, always. Opportunities are put there in front of us all the time, but we should always ask ourselves: Are our eyes open? Do we have faith, or are we allowing that curtain of fear to keep us from moving forward? |
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