Slackers' Lounge

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Thoughts.
This is the most intimate, though seemingly the most random portion of the site. Here, the slackers share with us what's on their minds in the midst of the night. Please remove hats and shoes...heck, all clothes before entering.

eternalslacker

3-21-05 Aiyah...

"and suddenly everystep you took was heavier and every inch you moved was closer to the end and farther apart. You stop- realizing it. You move closer to it- inspite."
Aiyah...so much work to do. I've lost so much time....wasted alot of minutes doing minute trivial nothings. Yup. I'm no closer to myself. I don't think I will find myself just looking inside. Its a recipe for depression. I think I will look out again...I remember believing that if I wanted something enough in life nothing and nobody could stop me. I lost that belief with Jenna. I lost my dreams then and now my pride. An old friend told me about how she wanted to believe again. I do too. I want my idealisms to live again...but this cynic keeps winning over me. Its funny...I feel like a zombie too. I guess we all do at some point. Living the motions of life...being dead inside. Waiting for the few moments when you feel alive. Wasn't that something? I did find out something in my introspections...I looked at my ego and arrogance...which led me to my self-loathing of my selfishness...and yet so many people try to tell me I'm not...maybe I'm fooling the world...or fooling myself. I still don't know. We all do things for our own reasons I suppose...I've decided to not hold ill will towards anyone...at least I will try. Dark Tam doesn't need to come out again...haha. I think I will attempt to be more honest to myself....and to the people closest to me. I realize I've been unfair communicating to them. I've been so passive that I failed to recognize that they need to know sometimes....they need me to show them that I care. I can't foolishly expect them to come to me. its a good lesson I guess. I want peace of mind.

2-28-05 Number One

I feel selfish. I'm tired of trying...I've always looked out for myself before others...the human condition? Or the Tam affliction? The selfish addiction. It doesn't matter. Thats excellent...selfishness and indifference...how....dangerous?...This is selfish right? Yeah. I've gone on a massive screenname deleting spree...I removed names with much prejudice. So thin now...the line is so thin now. I'm so thin now...Where is the line...
I dreamed of my roles in life. I wanted to be 6 things:
1) A good Son
2) A good Brother
3) A good Friend
4) A good Lover
5) A good Father
6) a Good Person
I don't feel like I've succeeded at any of them. I'm afraid now...looking at how I handle myself...how can I take responsibility for others? Growing...and the skin is constricts me...my heart dreams too big for my reality. Surrender? Stubborn loser? Why can't I figure this out? Why have I been unable to make things make sense? I'm stuck in the stagnant waters...and the disease that grows inside me...is so ugly...so disgusting. I need to run. RUN. How terrible...self. Tam. What a loathsome name...self-love...self-hate....self-absorbed...self-deprecating...selfish. a good nothing. I want sunshine tomorrow. I can't get myself out of this hole.

2-24-05 Memoirs

Open the book. Read the book. Burn the book. Do you remember? Remember...the story...What's your favorite moment? When the hero saves...eh...what hero? Painting beautiful pictures in your mind...imagination without contaminations...selfish hearts in the mirrors...passive waters...perfect mirrors...without ripples. These beautiful paintings...blurry imprecision...hazy feelings...surreal reality. Breathing. The silence is death...quiet unrest...living harmony. Just Harmony falling apart beneath the skin. What is covered...what's inside...give me the Discord. So we can live. Nothing to forget the good and the bad....nothing to hide...inside...reminding me pushing me....reminding me that its pushing me...on and away...

2-15-05 I walk alone.

Up and down today. I feel lonely. I don't want to reach out to people. I want them to reach out to me. Silly. Sad. Selfish.

1-27-05 Love Sick: Love as a Mental Illness

Its this new book I bought to help me get over Sandy. Love often exhibits all the symptons of a major mental illness...its true if you think about it...I feel like such a freak, but it seems I am love sick...the introduction to the book described my feelings so...exactly...but I thought I was above this..I use to look at the heart broken and say...stand up its not so bad...and maybe it really isn't...maybe I'm just a drama queen(or king...erm i dunno) To quote a song, "I'll never get over you getting over me..." I think that sums up my feelings right now...I feel stupid...and feeble...and whiny...gah...clingy. Whatever Tam. I hate it...I still walk around...avoiding Sandy...and yet at the same time hoping I can see her. "Only Love has its own sickness..." then by God I am a sick bastard. I hate how this consumes me...(though I assure you its not as bad as I make it seem in these past few entries)...its in those subtle actions that I realize...why am I doing this? Why am I walking here? Why am I looking there? Why do I make it more awkward than it should be? I can't even talk to her...I can't even have her screenname on my Buddy List...I go into these compulsive profile/away message checking periods...its makes me feel creepy...I am looking for something to distract me from...myself...from my heart. To be like this is to scare everyone away from you, Tam. Pull yourself together. She got over you...you can get over her too. And yet all the while I wish...that maybe I could steal a second of her thoughts each day...I don't want...to become a part of her Past that she won't mention again...but I can't handle being around her...I can't even look her in the eyes. Its stupid...you can't love someone you never knew, Tam. Its probably not love...just probably some silly...i hate this word...infatuation...its not some one sided thing you pull out of your ass...and yet there's something about her...I can't seem to let go...I want to save her...I don't know from what...but I want to save her...from everything that makes her sad...and everything that she tries to hold up...I want to discover her everything...I think she wants to be discovered..buried underneath all that she wants to be found...glorious and naked(in spirit pervert...maybe thats me since it takes one to know one...but then who am I writing this to...I mean I am the only one who checks my own blog...hahahaha)...but maybe this makes her sad...I don't know...I know if I let her go...she'll be happier and I can be her friend...but...everytime she smiles...I remember why I fell for her in the first place...I can't be around her...without making her feel uncomfortable...or maybe this is just a figment of my imagination...my heart poisoning my mind...I want to be normal...I want to not make this worse than it really is...I still wish I knew how she is feeling now...I think she's gotten over me...I don't know...whats in her heart?

...just write a song about it...stop being weak...maybe I'm just being an pity whore...I really hate myself sometimes.

1-26-05 7 Days.

Its been a week since it ended and I guess I've coped with it to the best of my ability. Today, I'll she her again for the first time and I will have to pretend to be friends...just friends...I guess for me its hard to act like I didn't have feelings for her, but now my feelings don't matter. Yesterday I was numb...the day before that I was numb...and now I feel sad and I pray for the strength to let go. I am not so noble I know...in my heart I am still a little bitter about it...and I still want her...but I cannot let this consume me...I have a tendency to fall too far too fast...and this is the ultimate result each time...maybe there is a grand scheme of things...I have to be cut down many times before I find the unicorn. Each time I die I am reborn a little wiser...each time it becomes easier...maybe one day it won't hurt anymore...I still read her away messages and xanga...almost compulsively...its strange and scary in an almost obsessive way...or maybe I'm just filling this void she left in her wake...I don't know...I know this is wrong...I know I need to move on...but maybe just for a little while longer I can hold on to a dream...it wasn't a perfect dream...but to me it was beautiful. Maybe tomorrow I can let go...maybe if I see her moved on I can finally let go.

1-25-05 Magic.

I took the link out of my profile in AIM. I wonder how many people will read this now. But I think its good to have this false solitude for my thoughts. I'm looking for magic to take me away...and carry me off to wonderland. If I am made to be here...where does destiny take me? Where will the feet I am given in step by step take me? I still believe in love and whatever that entails...I think in love...it takes faith in two things....the beginning and the end. Inbetween it all its in your hands...its magic you steal...its magic you make. If God gave us the freedom to choose...and gave us the curiosity to eat the apple...then it is our imperfection he desired. It gives us somewhere to go maybe...imperfection...imperfect people...broken dreams...sufferings...imperfect love...its all to keep us moving. If we keep seeking that elusive perfection then we will always grow...we can always live no matter the days...or conditions...b/c we can grow...and move on...its all upon our efforts...and fate will keep taunting us to go on until we find exactly where we need to be. I may be too eager to love and too naive to live. But I will walk on even if I don't know where I will find it...magic.

1-24-05 Thoughts for Breakfast

Each morning I wake up...its a little lighter than the day before...a week ago I was skiing...that was fun. My friends are wonderful. Its becoming somewhat more numb...Today wasn't as cold as yesterday...I like that...its easier to walk without shivering...Walking is good for me...it makes me less irrational and calms me...people are beautiful to me today...I don't know why...I just sat around and watched them walking by and it made me feel better. I still haven't gotten back my taste for food...but at least it doesn't make me feel sick in the stomach...I couldn't finish my lunch though...I eat so little now. I am probably less emotional than yesterday...as I will be tomorrow and tomorrow. I need to shave...or maybe I should try to grow a foomanchu...haha...gosh I crack myself up...gah I hate library keyboards...I suck at typing on them...I need to apply to grad school...but as my grades are now...I should wait...b/c they take the last 4 semester grades from the moment you apply and well freshman year still sucks...so next year I will. Its funny reading entries from previous days...I guess it felt so much worse then. Time is great...lets not talk about the past. I think I will write again. I liked writing...things are a lot more clear to you after you get some distance...I can't see my own problems I think...I never will maybe...but I'm not a pessimist today...I think I'll be happier today. Why does everyone hate Mondays? Maybe everyone just hates beginnings...I hate Sundays...I hate endings...but then again I guess there will be plenty of endings and beginnings right? I still think she's beautiful. No web authoring in Davis Library...haha they can't enforce that rule...plus I am writing in my diary...wait that sounds girly....erm journal! It will be a good day I think. ^_^;;

EDIT: A Song by Travis: "Writing to Reach You"
Every day I wake up and it's Sunday
Whatever's in my eye won't go away
The Radio is playing all the usual
And what's a Wonderwall anyway

Because my inside is outside
My right side's on the left side
Cause I'm writing to reach you now but
I might never reach you
Only want to teach you
About you
But that's not you

1-23-05 I don't know...

So its not exactly what I wanted to hear...I held my breath and hoped we could find a solution to our problems...inside me I thought...it couldn't be so bad that it couldn't be fixed...but whats the point of holding on to silly dreams when she has already let go of me...I must confess...I was very much invested in this...I must admit I still can't get over it...she already haunts me...but I suppose I remember this feeling...its not like its that much different...I gotta learn to deal with this...why do you always let yourself get broken? and even now why do I still wait for her hoping that there was some chance that it could be saved...but I know these are fools dreams...I wanted her heart...I couldn't "win" it...its as simple as that...though it was never a game to me...I just knew I had to work for it...and I suppose I took too long...I hesitated too much and lost her...I became a burden and an obligation...and this relationship...thats gone and the cost has left with less friends...and more confusions as to who I am...I am not sure what to do with myself now...it hurts...sometimes when I am stronger its not so bad...sometimes when I'm not...I want her...I know I had more invested in this...and it isn't her to blame that I got hurt...I knew what I was getting into...and let myself get hurt...but I don't ever know if I will ever learn to not jump in...I'm learning to love I think...learning to be myself with people...learning to trust again...but this heart of mine...for now I am unable to be strong...b/c I still care for her and I still want her and I still...have to let her go...no reasoning will make it alright for me now...it can't make sense when my mind is now subordinate to my heart...I can move past her...give me the strength to heal...I wish I could hate her...then it would be so much easier...but I can't hate her...I can't stop missing her....let go...I know I can...but why do I keep remembering her smile with me...I cannot believe it...was it so bad with me? Did we really not fit? I miss walking...And yet I am forced to accept it now...but why do I still wait for her? Lets say good bye to you and me. Now lets bleed...scab...heal...and scar.

1-21-05 Thats right kiddo..

I think its finally coming down...the surge of emotions that bred...shock and desperation...I think the muddled water...is settling and things seem clear again...I thought I was older...I thought I was bolder...but somewhere along the lines I got distracted from becoming who I was trying to be...I think...I'm tired of the hesitation...but for now give me patience in my heart flowing over me

1-20-05 What are we waiting for?

Maybe we've been guilty of waiting all along...one person catching up socially in expecting more of themselves and the other one emotionally in commitment...maybe underneath it all there was the expectation of being discovered...but we never found each other b/c we were too scared to move and get lost...so when did I start pretending to be so understanding when I know myself that sometimes I can't...maybe all along I still need to discover myself some more...but for some reason....be it stubborness or selfishness...I don't want to let go of you...I keep thinking to myself...I don't know if I like this or want this until I try it 2x, 3x, 4x, or 5x b/c each time was a little different? B/c each time you felt a little more than you were before...because if you become better at it each time...b/c you grow wiser until you know where it is leading you...but maybe you're right...we do need a different perspective on this...some distance i suppose...and yet i'm so scared to realize...every chance I had to tell you how i felt...every moment I could have been myself to you...everytime I wanted to act on my feelings...i squandered...but I suppose...Its not only my feelings in all of this...but I never know what you're feeling...maybe that was my mistake...

...its not what I say...its what I do...

...Why did I let it happen?

1-19-05 Beautiful

I sat there yesterday for lunch...I don't usually sit there when I eat by myself...but for some reason I sat there...bc I knew she would be there...I studied and read my notes...and I looked up and she was there talking to her friends...she smiled..and laughed...She looked so happy...I wanted to go there and eat lunch with her...but I realized...she was happier there with them...so I just sat there trying to study...but I couldn't...I saw her there smiling...and so I ran away...I left...and sat in another chair in another building...I couldn't see her anymore there...I try to study...I cry...I knew I had to let her go...I don't want to let her go...

1-14-05 What are you waiting for?

I'm guilty...yes guilty of that sin I so fear...standing still...so what am I waiting for you wonder? To what end will provide me with the answer...the motivation...the fear to drive me forward...I don't know...I feel like i've been waiting forever...and always I will be unable to escape it...but along the lines there is someone or something waiting for me right? If i just run I'll find something at the end...some feeling some...finish line....that makes it okay...or at least there is the chance that it can be...something more than I already am...
...I feel a sudden discourse from this thought of mine...disgust at the very lament I have choosen to display...and yet I can't escape this constant rambling in my head...and now the pretentions that I am better always seem to sneak thru...yet how come I feel so feeble the last few days...where was the courage of motion I had before my return...I can control my emotions thru my thoughts...They can't control me forever...I am not the enslaved...
...I'm just another guy with a hero complex...waiting for someone to need to be saved...biding my time until I finally fail...and put up my cape forever...Why am I always being saved? Am I truly the weakest in this world? Let the records show...anyone can steal from me...I'll trust you...and you can get away...but what is left to steal now?

1-12-05 So they said it flatly so I'd understand, "Men don't cry"

I've got the best of both worlds...the insensitivity of a man and the sensitivity of a woman. I remember feeling ugly yesterday...my crooked teeth...my nose........my head....my skinny frame...all my physical flaws i know i have...Crooked teeth? Thats easy....just get braces...and you will have a nice smile for the price of time and money...so you won't look so funny...I agree its so very simple...but why don't I call them and make it happen? I have the money and the time...maybe ....I just...hate the fact that I'd have to change myself to feel....beautiful...But i can't escape it...how i feel...is never just about how I really feel...its about the people around you...they tell you what is beautiful for you...even if they don't say it directly...even if they don't even realize they say it....i suppose...but that is just a physical aspect I suppose...buts its okay b/c i know physically I'm weak...mentally I may be weak as well...but somewhere I think i love myself...and hate the way it feels to have to be made lovable...but thats okay I suppose.
Do you think I am weak? I will be the pretentious pompous prick and answer it myself....no...for the sake of politeness I won't be weak to you...for the sake of finding the best in people I can't be...I wonder how you really feel...if nothing in the world keep you from being honest...its pure etiquette was invalid and you all told me all that lies beneath ur rationalizations...even a fleeting thought...that Tam is a weak man. Such a distrustful thought I suppose...for tonight I'll paint it black...tomorrow I'll change it back...
Take charge and play the role you were born to be...Tam your supposed to be...only for yourself...not for anyone else....roughly meaning...do it for us as if you want it for yourself...but maybe thats not so bad...b/c often...you change for those people who you actually listen to...or so u change b/c you want to listen...b/c standing still is like sinking in the water ever deeper...relax...lay back and float today...I'll become strong tomorrow...for myself...myself right?

Story Time! Big Talk
Its the same road home we take at the same time in the same car...but where is Daddy? Tonight she drives the car quietly she drives us home. I never could remember the names of the roads...the left or rights...that led us home...in this same backseat view...why should I know? I'll never drive anyways...because I am small and small people can't drive yet...Mommy's driving us because she is big and all the big people can drive because all the big people know exactly what to do...but where is Daddy? She keeps driving down the road I think I know...I recognize the store or was it never there before? The car felt so small tonight and windows felt so unclear. Maybe we talked to much and fogged up the mirrors so we no longer can see where we're going....I don't wanna crash....but it doesn't matter...I'm small and she is big...she'll take us home and Daddy will be there...But I hear something strange...I hear nothing at all...and she keeps driving away...as if its okay that its quiet...as if she was frozen but didn't mind the cold...Why was home....so far away? But then I see it...in the rear view mirror...the big people use it to look back but I stole a second of her eyes...Mommy was sad...Mommy was crying without Daddy now...and so we drive away...when would we be home again? She asks us at last, "Who do you want to live with your Daddy or with Mommy?" I don't understand...I put my face in my hand...but when did I become too big to hide myself with them? I don't know...I don't want to know...I can't choose...I shouldn't have to....so we drive on...and I can't understand...and she drives because they are big and we are small...

12-15-04 Adieu.

It is the end of the year/semester and so forth...and in this interval of time waiting for my ride to come take me home away from this "home" I feel like leaving a few thoughts to be observed and to reflect on the course of this fall of 2004. So lets reiterate the fact that this has indeed been a year of changes; new possibilities bloom upon the death of old habits and comforts. Exciting and frightening new ideas and people and places to be explored...all the while changing- all the while remaining the same. I suppose a big theme in my life is that of love...not love in the sense of the pure unadulterated emotional connection to another human being...that I so idealized...but rather love in this humanly secular sense...a relationship...a passion even. I think, I'm beginning to understand the meaning of this kind of love...that the idealism of passionate emotions and purity cannot exist in this world unbridled and free...I am a human being stuck in a human world...fallible humans cannot produce infallible love...so it seems...I am rather happy to say...I am beginning to find an escape from myself and my own emotional tormentor...as i recognize the ridiculousness of self deprecation...I suppose it is best summed up with this statement: "If it is passion that drives you, let your mind steer you." Balance. I am finding balance^_^.

In a less reflective note(not "on a side note"), I like how this year has gone. I like the changes, though adjusting always takes a little time. I appreciate my friends and family. 20 oz steaks Rock! Sandy ROCKS! Aaron ROCKS!(somewhat...j/k) Having a g/f who can beat you at videogames = priceless.
New Year's resolution:
1) WORK OUT!
2) FOCUS!
3) Write and draw again
And umm...meet Sandy's folks at some point down the line...scurry.^_^;;
11-08-04 Super.

Can leap a puddle in a single bound...hit a splash with pathetic sound. Faster than you in laughter and boo's and wondering who thought he once flew. Ever feel powerful? Invincible?(preferably not alcohol induced like some people prefer...but then invincibility is a state of mind or a state of wasted mind rather...anywho..) The powerful are in such a positions because of what? Control? Physical or mental Strength? Who knows...when pitted against one another which power is greater than the other...now in terms of a regular slacker-guy sense(a mentality that I find has been dissipating as of recently...also something I will get to in a bit..)...the powerful are not nearly so "super" at least not in the sense in which you could be amazed...well maybe not one BIG WOW...but one of those...small wow's under the breath...a pleasant surprise....built up slowly and subtly through the days.....filling the bubble that floats away...just because it does...not because it tries....b/c its to light and beautiful...it lives to fly away...effortlessly....until it gets so high...bursts....and a BIG WOW flys about...louder than anything you ever thought...
Isn't it easy...or should it be so easy to find a natural flight...something unfabricated...something gravity defying by just being itself...thats whats powerful isn't it?...even that fragile bubble...powerful in that small flight...better than a bird and a plane...b/c it flies without skill or effort...just simply....being itself...at least its the power thats often overlooked...but on the other hand...the well fought...the powerful determination...thats power too right? Overtly powerful...awe-inspiring...courage...forthrightness...yes... I have nothing to declare...I don't pretend to be the strong...but I don't admit weakness or defeat...I am neither in denial or in boostful vanity...I am just confused....finding something like that strength you see...being that strength you can't see...hoping to float and fly and shine....and be super...
and... You are my kryptonite.

10-27-04 Take One. Leave One Behind.

Footsteps...casually taken on the dirt...on the snow...on bricks and concrete...invisible mind prints...in the front and back of the mind. The promise and the record...that wherever I go...I gain something and pay for it with something else in the process. It's like the toll you have to pay to keep going...and you pay the price with the promise that something ahead of you was worth the while. Its interesting...to learn things about yourself...from mirrors...intentional and unintentional...ugly, beautiful things...that culminates into something you're still trying to understand. It seems a pattern in my life as of late that these mirrors...close and respected mirrors... have, in my presence, become muddy and stained by me. And as such, like in a rebellion of spite and bitterness for inconsiderate misuse and taking for granted....they had chosen to reflect the darkest aspects that you do not want to see. And in yourself, you try to deal with it...resist the urge to break these mirrors...for simply being what they are...and seeing simply...what you made them into. But you look at these moments and wonder, what have I gained for this? What have I lost? Possibly, the bitter shadow of doubt and insecurity that follows blatant distortions of what you assert is your character...your will...that you are "good" You lose that...for awhile. It seems...that the mirrors you held close and dear...may never shine like they once did...and to the instinctive reaction to avoid that which displeases your eyes...you walk away from them...distance yourself from the ugly reflection you didn't want to see. But maybe in the end, I gained this one thing...a humbled self...and reserved failure of who you can be...as opposed to the ideals I foolishly thought I posessed. In a different respect, I suppose I should respect that fact of honesty...post-hostility on both sides possibly...as a sign of depth and truth in our relationship. The mirror and the mirrored...a dnynamic eternal reflection upon reflection into the depths of one another until...truth and honesty...coincide with our discoveries...that within that endless sight we peer ever closer ever more attentively to the smallest details that makes the soul...the smaller self...the unclear...the selfish...the undeniably flawed...perfect..the layer beneath the layer...a reflection of a reflection...condensed to some truth....the best friendships. I think I will wash myself...and hold on to the mirrors I hold dear...and take a good look at myself. I took a step...and left one behind...I looked into the future...and keep taking one...leaving one....taking one...leaving one...and when I'm tired...of moving I'll take a break...look into a mirror and see where i've gone and what i've become....yeah I think I can do that...

10-24-04 Blink...

Blink. And the weekend begins. And your caught so helplessly, so unmotivatedly in this...trial at which you can say nothing and do nothing...and worry against the pleas not to do so. Quietly. Yes, hush don't rush...don't fool yourself don't beat yourself don't try to understand...Take it as it is...leave as it is...buckle up, your in for the ride. No need for a hero complex...for comfort...no need for well thought sorrows...Patience...silence...I will say nothing...i don't have to say anything at all...just forget abt it...don't look at it...don't wait for it...it will come on its own. Adieu.
"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test, and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life."

10-18-04 World Revolves Around the Son

So after climbing to the halfway point of the mountain so aptly named, college life, I am on the downward spiral towards...an ending in which what and where have not yet been answered. I have sufficiently, though hardly efficiently, built the mound by which I shall take proper footing to leap off from and provided I know where to jump and when I should land where I belong. However, new winds seem to be blowing and once certain positions often faulter in the wind. I so earnestly believe in this statement: "The tree that does not bend gets broken in the wind." So now taking upon the fact that this new course of flow has presented itself I will take it as a sign of refreshing and welcomed change. This seems to be an opportunity to harness an extra boost in flight and of course height by which I can use to purchase a minimal yet valuable amount of time(lift!) before I hit the ground. Well, not time so much as a chance to gain better insight into where and what lane of lift I will fall into So maybe flight and fall might not be an accurate representation of my situation...it seems to be more like gliding...not inherently out of my control like falling or completely under my power of direction like flying...so yes I am or am preparing for that glide which will lead me to the finale of my surreal preparation for walking on earth...living a life...having a family...becoming a "man"...the great "normal" way of being a social human being...So yes put those wings away and prepare to walk...in your favorite shoes.
So I want to take a moment to assess my life as of 3:38pm
1) Being Brave. Is courage and bravery synonymous? I suppose it is...I don't see myself as brave...I have never challenged the intentions of anything more threatening than children with foam bats...but however, in all honesty, I feel brave in the presence of someone new (special?) in my life. Its not even like bravado....versus any physical threats requiring action...its more like...a sense of courage to face "new" things in life...its not so scary...maybe it is more confidence...Did I ever earn it? Just a gift? Experience?
2) Being Focused. For once, you go after what you want. I don't know how to get to the end...but my means, whatever form they take, must at the very least take me closer...close enough to see it...sense it enough to know whether I truly want it or not. The Finish Line...victory or not...the sprint shall get me there.
3) Being Tam. I am beginning to see that the reception of the consequences of my actions doesn't fall upon myself alone. Its not a surprising concept...but it has indeed become more fully developed for me. It has made me desire things not only for myself but also for others, not out of obligation anymore or even desire for recognition, but as simply my tribute to sacrifices of everyone that has influenced my course in life. I am not a vessel to carry expectations of others...but I cannot disregard them either. I will respect them and myself. I think I can start there...through the vanity for insecurity's sake...for self-handicapping for peace of mind and lower expectations...
"what if everything you had was like a castle made of sand?"

*edit* Found this in Sandy's xanga...how interesting..

T	Tender
A	Astonishing
M	Misunderstood

L	Loving
Y	Yum

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

10-08-04 Everything you Want

So today I discovered the pleasure of a live concert from one of my fave groups, Vertical Horizon. It was a good concert despite the awfully mundane Driving'n Crying...I had fun...the last half more than the first I suppose. The company was very nice...being with someone you really like makes the boring parts enjoyable still. I am still trying to find the hearing I lost standing in front of the speakers...its somewhere around here... On a side note: Good luck to a Sandywich on the viet exam!

10-03-04Oh and its rising in the back of your Mind

Running today...running to catch up...to live up...but nonetheless left behind...running....from a start that is the end...and nothing but the running mattered...no matter how pathetic the run...you finished it...always trying to catch it the elusive better time ahead of you...passing the weaker the slower...being the weak and the slow...and understanding where you belong in the whole scheme...even if you couldn't catch it. Its a strength...in art...in music that you wish you had...in the way to close your eyes and see everything a little different when you open them...to cover your ears and hear things so much clearer...so You lose...and yet you still try to catch it. Chasing a dream....finding that One Good Thing...and figuring out how to make it work...I don't know what I am doing. Is it well or right? wandering in circles until its better...but what is better...I don't know...i will know...no. know. no. so lets go...running in the back of my mind.

10-01-04Tam is God

A product of my modesty...a great contradiction to the way people see you...I suppose. The last few days have flown and suddenly I feel myself smiling when I think about a smile. I feel invincible while looking like a fool...and yet they say at your height something will always bring you back to earth. No longer in the clouds I suppose...you figure out who you can seem to be to others...a reflection whether accurate or not...depending on your mirror I suppose tells you something you want to see of yourself. When a mirror you respect shows you something, you listen...and i suppose what you see doesn't seem so pretty...whether it be the day or the lighting or the subsequent events or the massive changes in mood....I guess you can't know...but then you see it nonetheless and now what do you do now that you've seen it? Its not right but it isn't wrong...is it just me reflected or is it more? Who knows...I'm not God. I want to know who I am.

9-27-04^_^

Hmmmmm wow what to say about this weekend...You don't expect much and so you jump and learn to swim in the process...Today I feel great...really really good...Have you ever meet someone you've met before and discover...wow...this is so easy. Then you keep thinking about it...and you can't stop thinking about...then you just say what you feel...for once just say what you've felt like saying...and you get a smile back at you. Just a nice simple smile thats full of relief and ease...and everything seems so easy...I haven't felt this light in a while...floating along...nothing can burst my bubble

9-20-04Sunny

Sometimes you have to wonder how it is you present yourself to be perceived by others... But can you really be as bad as everyone can see or tell you? And isn't it interesting that the ones you care about tell you the worst about you. And it makes a lot of sense--they do see you in ways and depth few others can. But, sometimes you wish that maybe for once you'd hear about something you did well...Like any child or person or human being...a consistency of negatives can be grating...just a boring drone...and you feel like sometimes it seems like they want a reason to be angry at you when they are upset instead of going to talk to you. I mean...even if you are a defective heap of humanity...you hoped they care about you enough to address it either by accepting it themselves or telling you in a way where you don't feel so damn guilty...You try to change...but its hard to conquer yourself...when you know exactly what you will do...and fight it exactly the way to undo it...Understanding is needed not a lecture on your "flaws"...I think that they should try to give you a little understanding while you try to understand things...Because if I was perfect I wouldn't need friends...so why get angry when I am not?

9-17-04 normality

so you sit here in front of the screen wondering what it is you are typing...and the suddenly reading with a critic's eye...self enhancement and loathing...and you're never quite sure...like you want something you don't know u need....or just how it seems to be what is needed when you don't want it anymore...There is no claim to brilliance here just a exclamation of confused sort...with arrogance to spice it up a bit i'm sure...though if you ask me i will surely be modest about it. I....am just sitting here waiting for some answer to be revealed to me in this uninspired but undeniable need to talk to myself. How I am living with myself...Lets be frank...I am lost in my own words...and i build something of me I am not quite sure i want...but then i suppose i am not sure of much in my mind...just a vague sense of forward...and my head turned backwards for good measure. I am just the result of the indecisions and desire for eccentricity...but strangely normal...strangely...normal. how sad and surprising...expected...how strangely normal things can be...but it feels like its moving faster than me.

8-29-04 Tammer Time!

So yes, this is the first weekend of the school year and it has been interesting to say the least. I tried out new things just to protect myself from standing still amidst the flowing river. Stand too firm and you get knocked down by the current- Too soft and you get swept away. I am stuck here trying to figure my way across this...raging....creek. haha. Blah. Anyways now that I have rid myself of lyrical misuse and metophorical lameness let me update the wonderful world to my lovely weekend of wonders and woes. Well, I went clubbing. Yes. I KNOW. You don't often hear Tam and Clubbin together in the same sentence but....yesh I went clubbin with my friends. It was...an...Interesting experience to say the least and I can honestly say if i were to never go to another club again my life will still maintain its wonderful level of happiness that it has had(or not had but rather lets look at this in a positive light) It was loud, smokey, crowded and purely raunchy: everything Tam can't stand. But I did say I was out to try new things so I can't say it was a bad experience. I am known to be notoriously bad at dancing(maybe only infamous to myself since few if any have ever seen me perform the task) but I did dance with my friend. I was as much to try to make the best of the opportunity and to lessen the strangle hold of inhibitions that plague my life. I was glad I did it even if I didn't necessarily enjoy it. Its like finally knowing that you dislike something through the act of experiencing it first-hand not just labeling it off so quickly as something I dislike. Anyways, getting me to the club was in itself a hefty task that my great roomie and my friends took onto themselves. To all you other shy awkward people who loath the inner sanctums of clubs here is your answer: alcohol. Needless to say my friends liquored me up, lowered my inhibitions and got my into the doors of Avalon. Not to say I like drinking...(it has been a common theme it seems and well alcohol tastes like shit and is for its sake thoroughly OVERRATED) but for what its worth its good for calming you down. Ahem. Anyways, this weekend also hosted our first Texas Hold'em get together...granted by "get together" i mean just me, my roomie, and 1 friend...but...it was fun. I am getting kind of hooked on the game it seems. That was probably the most enjoyable part of my weekend: spending time with friends in a...well nice and easy relaxed environment(farcry from clubbin). Next week I plan to face yet another irrational and highly ridiculous fear of mine: other asians. Haha... I know it seems strange but I have a certain uncomfortableness around those of my ethnicity it seems.(most likely has to do with upbringing, predominantly non-asian neighborhood, etc) Its not just asians I guess it is also people in general and maybe even girls. Well for a shy guy I guess it would be normal to be scared of social occasions(cough...clubs) But I think my more specific "fear" of asians has more to do with how mixed up I feel in my own identity more than how the other asians are. I know there are plenty of Asian Americans with mixed identities...I feel like a hardcore case of it. But I do not plan to hide behind that...I will put myself in the position of uneasiness to resolve my conflicts and reveal myself to the world...and most importantly myself.(btw Avalon...OMG soooo many asians 0_0;;)

4-27-04 End of the Year

Today was best described with a single word: Boring. Stat Psych exam at 8am today...when I discover the person who thought of 8am exams I will attach tazers to his nuts and fry him! Grrrr...Anywho, as of late I've been suffering from chronic singleness. I suppose exam time is the worst possible time to be looking...haha the only thing girls are interested in now is grades and stuff...But man I can sure go for a nice cuddle right now. I've been kinda mean lately and I need someone to tame my Tam-ness. Haha I am sooooo funny...(...not) I mean how hard is it to find a cute, intelligent, funny girl WHO is not attached and likes me!? Hmmmm I don't want to seem desperate so I am not going to beg...yet.....;_;

4-21-04 Resolve

Today has been an interesting day to say the least...I got a lot of things accomplished and I learned a lot today too. We finally made our skit(video) for japanese...it was fun! Though I suppose it is depressing to see how ugly you are on video, but thats okay it is funny and looking funny is certainly a one mode of comedy whether intentional or not. After an hour of filming and 3 hrs of post production, I can honestly say I am tired as hell. I learned some more interesting news tonight, the girl I like knows I like her. Scary. But she doesn't say anything about me. This simply has two answers: either she really doesn't know how she feels or isn't ready to attempt a relationship yet, which is very reasonable, or she doesn't like me and is being nice. My intuition tells me the latter...but who knows. However, I suppose everything I say is pure speculation, I could give her the benefit of the fact that the answer may be entirely different from my own theories. But, I guess I won't force things I certainly know when to push and when to pull back...I think it is reasonable to sound the retreat for now. It obviously isn't the time. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed which I suppose is natural..but oh well...I guess I will remain a very well kept secret at UNC for a while.

4-19-04 Weekend
Wow. The past weekend was busy...wonderful. I talked to a really cute girl...though due mostly to the plotting of others. It was nice. She is nice. I honestly wish I could say more than that but ummmmm ^_^;; I really don't know much more than that. I was incredibly lucky the lights in the theater were dimmed or else the fact that I felt a rush of blood fill my face would have been too apparent for comfort. The rest of the weekend involved the simple pleasures of life...games...eating...Kill Bill 2...sushi...drinking games(granted I am not a big fan of drinking) and truth or dare. Pretty exciting for my life I suppose; education beyond words indeed. Whats next for me? I wonder...the year is almost done exams time(cram time) I think I will never go to the Pita Pit at 2am in the morning on a school night anymore as fun as it may be...soooo sleepy in the mornings...its hard enough to wake up normally. I find myself being more aggravated lately by small things...maybe I am male pmsing hahahaha...I don't know...
I cannot measure people the same way I measure myself I suppose...I am not a heartless bastard really...stupidity annoys me...drama annoys me...*sigh* I suppose old words haunt me:
"Judgmental judge of the good and bad stuck inside your mouth"

4-14-04 Confessions of a Shy Mind
How do you do it? Close ranged conversation. Small Talk. The basics of conversation. I got it. I mean I understand it as well as the next person- But, how do you do it? The thin line between the stranger and the friend...an acquaintance at least...is something I can't seem to break. Okay fine, I really do want to talk to a girl. She is cute- but otherwise I don't have much emotional investment in it. I mean why should I? I don't even know her. But then why am I so crippled...utterly petrified when I am in her presence? Okay then... combat strategies! Ugh. Everyone has told me what to do...but I never am really sure about it. They are fine and good ideas of course...execution is where the fumbling and ultimate tumbling comes. Okay, so its not a terribly big deal I know...but hell the moment I can speak and talk like myself in front of girls...that will be the day. I mean...I'm not terribly low on the self esteem meter- I like to think of myself as the best kept secret at UNC ;) But I've yet to burst onto the social scene or anything like that if ever. I like having a small group of close friends - despite what others may think I think having a few friends is far better than lots of acquaintances. That said, I still feel like I need to get out more. I do want to expand my horizons and learn new things. And right now I think learning how to deal with girls is something I need to face. Lately, I find myself becoming rather good at casually observing people from a far. Next step, participating in the events that I see rather than looking at them wondering what its like. I feel kind of creepy admittedly as I just sit and stare at people passing by. Its impolite to stare anyways as I've been told ;). Maybe I will talk to her this weekend. Maybe I won't. I guess I will find out...