†Ethan's House†
Our Angel.....
Johnathon Ray
May 2nd, 1991 September 26th, 1998
Johnathon was 7 years, 4 months and 3 1/2 weeks old when he was killed in a freak accident on 9/26/98. A 250 pound rod that he'd been hanging on fell on him,crushing his skull.
Johnathon was all boy and loved to camp, fish, ride bikes, roller-blade, play with his dog, etc. He played baseball for the Devil Rays the last season of his earthly life. He longed to play football, but the rules here are you have to be 8 years old to do so.
Life without Johnathon is unbearable most the time. All I think about is seeing him again one day. My goals in life and changed tremendously and I hardly resemble the old me at all. In the beginning months of this life called "grief" I had become so over protective with my other two children that I rarely let them out of my sight. As time progresses however, I am beginning to allowing them to have fun as only children can. I now let them spend the night with a friend and allow them to play without constantly keeping and "eagle" eye on them. Even so, I only do this because I know they need it. I still can not help but cringe and wonder if something is going to happen to them while I am not there. I have also become more patient with my other two since Johnathon's death. Prior to this, I was always one of those people who had a place for everything and would cringe if someone were to walk in my house to see crumbs and toys all over. I no longer feel tense and on edge when their toys or school books are scattered all through the house. Spilt milk and crumbs no longer send me into a frenzy. I just wish I had learn to relax more about keeping the "perfect, clean house" before Johnathon went to heaven :::sigh:::
At this point in my grief I have become to think of myself as an Alien in my own backyard........In the beginning people were here so much I just couldn't stand it! I wanted them all to leave and let me learn to deal with this.......but nobody would...my house was totally full of friends all the time. Now, however, only a few call or stop over on a regular basis and actually bring Johnathon's name up in conversation. When I do see the others on occasion the atmosphere is tense. I think they are at a loss as to what to do with us and are afraid of upsetting us. With these others, Johnathons name is only brought up if we mention him. They just do not realize that by not mentioning him, that we are the ones who feel awkward.
My husband and I have become much closer while trying to face this new life. We do grieve differently, in our own way, but try to respect how the other handles their grief. It is not always easy, and we have had some major arguments over how we think things should be done, but we are doing the best we can for each other and I have no doubt that we will see each other through this.
On Christmas we still hung up Johnathons stocking right beside Stephanie and Matthews, also, we decorated his grave with a small Christmas tree and took presents to him. Johnathons 8th birthday is one day that I am not looking forward to. On this day he would have also been making his first communion at church. At church they are putting a white candle on the altar for Johnathon, adding his name to the program, and the children have made a banner for their special day and included Johnathon on this banner. We and a few close friends will be going to the cemetery and releasing 8 helium ballons. We thought about making a birthday cake, but the nearer the date comes, the more undecided we have become about this. We will just have to wait and see what the day brings. BR> I would tell other bereaved to try hard to remember that even though our angels are gone......they are not lost! They are in Heaven and we will see them again!
You can read more about Johnathon at Johnathon..Our Shining Star
Copyright 1997-2000 Ethans House,
Inc.
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