†Ethan's House†
Our Angel.....
Kevin Matthew
September 30th, 1998
Michael and Kevin were my identical twin sons. They were born at 24 weeks gestation. They were my first babies. We were so excited to be expecting and when we found out at 10 weeks, we were having twins the idea that we weren't telling anybody that I was pregnant yet was competely out the window. We were both so excited, as were my parents who were ready to be first time grandparents. We had so many dreams for our babies. One of which was getting them into quarter midget racing. Steve and I are both big NASCAR fans, so maybe we would have the next Jeff Gordon!! That was really the only thing that we talked about any any length right now. We also go to a local racetrack in New Jersey and once a month they have a Kid's picture day. I already had plans to take the twins and have their picture taken together.
The beginning of my pregnancy was fairly easy except for the extreme naseau and vomiting that I had, sometimes even all day. At 17 weeks, my water broke and I spent 8 agonizing days in the hospital where everybody was sure we would lose our babies; we didn't. I was considered a miracle. I spent the next 5 weeks home on modified bedrest. At just before 24 weeks, my water broke again. This time I was having contractions which they stopped that first night but told me they wouldn't stop them again. A few days later, I found out that Michael was dead. A few days later I went into labor. Kevin lived for 13 hours in NICU.
Since Michael and Kevin were our first children, I don't know what it is like to live with my children. I do, however feel as if I aged 20 years in just one night. I feel older than friends, and find myself longing for the attention that I see mothers of twins getting. Longing for the attenion not really for me but for my babies. Anywhere you go, when you see identical twins, you usually also see a crowd around them. I find myself talking about them as if they were living here with me. I find deep meanings in song lyrics and poems that to me, mean grief over a loss of a child, even if that is not what it was supposed to mean.
My husband is so much more protective of me and patient with me since we lost Michael and Kevin. He doesn't talk about them alot, but does encourage me too, where before,remembering when my grandmother died, he didn't understand my need to talk about her. As for my mother, she seems to treat me as an equal now. I guess she sees me as a mother. She has never lost a child to completely understand my grief, but she is trying and is very supportive.
My friends and I still have virtually the same relationship except for one aspect; they seem to wonder why I can't just "go on with my life". They can't understand why I feel so much older than I am, they don't seem to understand that I have lost a part of me. They tend to change the subject when I bring the boys up. So, I really just talk about them to people who understand my need to talk about my sons.
We haven't come across any anniversaries yet, but at Christmas I gave a donation to my church for Christmas flowers in their memory. I have two identical angel ornaments that my mom gave me and two identical snow baby ornaments that I got from my support group. I put one angel and one snow baby on the tree, then Steve puts the other angel and snow baby on. The angels hang next to each other as do the snow babies. I also have a few angel items that I keep out at all times because they remind me of my sweet sons.
I would tell other bereaved parents to realize that what you are feeling is not new. Other bereaved parents have and still do feel the same way. You are not alone, even though you probably feel as if you are. When my sons first died, somebody told me that feelings are not wrong or right, they just ARE. Don't let anybody tell you what to feel or what NOT to feel. Don't let anybody tell you what to do or what not to do. Do what is right for you. Also regardless of what everybody may tell you, you will never "get over it". You will go on with your life and learn to live with the fact that you have been through a horrible tragedy. It does get easier but it never goes away. But, that's OK, it means that you love and miss your child. Don't ever let anybody tell you it is wrong to love and miss your child.
You can read more about Micheal and Kevin at Our Angels...
Copyright 1997-2000 Ethans House,
Inc.
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