I was at my computer, waiting for it to be nine P.M. (my designated online time) and trying to decide how much of a drunk I wanted Zordon to be when it happened.
"Thought you didn't want to be known as a parody writer," an oddly familiar male voice asked from behind me.
"I don't, but I'm having so much fun with this . . . " I answered automatically, before trailing off when I realized that it wasn't my dad, that I didn't have any brothers, and that I wasn't hearing things. I slowly turned around in my chair to see whoever had spoken.
Matt Damon was standing behind me, wearing the leather jacket outfit from all of those pictures with him and Ben Affleck in them. I just gaped at him. The only thing I was really capable of doing was blinking, and that was such a chore I only managed to do it once.
"Hey, I'm not the real Matt Damon," Not-Matt-Damon told me. "He's probably off somewhere shooting another movie and working himself to death. If I was him, I would take a break and go home to Boston and enjoy my success."
"But that 'Premiere' interview said he doesn't have a house. And so did another interview - maybe that one in 'Vanity Fair,'" I countered for some reason.
Not-Matt-Damon just smiled at that. "Well, then if I was Matt, I'd take my money and buy myself someplace to live. I mean, according to that other 'Vanity Fair' interview, Ben has two places - one on each coast. Matt should have at least one."
I nodded and reverted back to gaping.
"So, as I was saying, thought you didn't want to be known as a parody writer," he asked, sitting down in the only empty chair near my computer.
"Well, I don't, but this is fun," I said slowly as my heart beat attempted to regulate itself, just as the Matt Damon screensaver came on.
"Geez, when you obsess about something, you really go all out," he commented, eyeing the screensaver, the stack of magazines with Matt and/or Ben on the cover that were next to my scanner, and the movies 'The Talented Mr. Ripley,' 'Dogma,' 'The Rainmaker,' and 'Good Will Hunting' that were stacked on the desk behind him.
"I am not obsessed!" I informed him loudly, just like I'd been doing online for the past few weeks.
"Yes, you are," he countered, not the first person to actually say it straight out.
I bristled at that. I didn't like being called obsessed, especially since it had such a negative connotation. "Hey, it's not like I'm stalking him. And besides, he's nine years older than me."
"Oh, so you're saying that if he were younger or you were older, you would be stalking him?" Not-Matt-Damon asked me saucily, taking my can of Mountain Dew and draining it.
"Look, who are you?" I asked angrily, upset about having to defend myself to him, and pissed that I would have to go get another can to drink. After all, I had just opened that one.
"I'm the Matt Damon clone Lady Dragon gave you last week in IRC. The same night you found the music video," he told me casually as he started to eat my Chex Mix.
"You're the clone?" I asked him, so dumbfounded that I didn't even protest when he put the 'Dogma' into the VCR and started to watch it.
"Yep, that's me. Hey, you going to get anything else to drink? This stuff is salty, and the movie's pretty long," he asked me, watching in amusement as his likeness onscreen convinced a nun that there is no God, based on the poem 'The Walrus and the Carpenter.'
"Yeah, sure," I agreed, still a bit in shock that Matt Damon was sitting next to me, watching my copy of 'Dogma,' eating my Chex Mix, demanding a drink and asking about my writing.
I ran downstairs, very grateful that my sister was at work and my parents had gone to another Arena Football game without me. I grabbed two cans of Mountain Dew, then reconsidered and grabbed two more. That Chex Mix always made me pretty thirsty. On my way back to my computer, I talked myself out of stopping by the bathroom and freshening up. If this was truly the clone LD had given me, then he already knew how bad I could look.
I walked back toward my computer and studied the clone. He was a dead ringer for the real Matt Damon, at least as far as I could tell. Not like I'd ever come close to meeting the real one. Okay, not like I'd ever even come close to actually seeing the real one.
"Hey, what do I call you?" I asked him, sitting back down at my keyboard and handing him one of the cans. I took another for myself and left the other two within reach.
"Matt is fine," he replied, fast forwarding through the introduction to Bethany scenes, stopping when he and Ben appeared again, this time in the gun shop.
"Are you going to do that through the whole movie?" I queried icily, conveniently forgetting my plans to do the same thing in the near future.
"Just go back to your writing. Especially since you don't have the motivation to do that parody anymore."
"That's not true," I argued vehemently, even though it was.
"You know it's true," he countered, turning to look at me. "How many pages did you write that first day?"
"Ten."
"And how many have you written in the subsequent week?"
I kept my mouth shut.
"Go on, you can answer. You've only written one, which you later edited out."
He was right. "So why do you want me to work on it now, when you know I don't have the motivation?"
"I'll help you," he tossed out casually, his eyes back on the small tv.
"You'll help me? Thought muses did that, not clones. The clones are for the author's amusement" I coughed "and pleasure only."
"Well, it's a parody. There's your amusement and pleasure aspects."
It was hard to argue with that line of reasoning. "What about the muse aspects?"
"What's your current favorite Matt quote?"
I grinned. The quote still made me laugh. " 'Well, I'm a genius.' "
"There you go."
"That's supposed to help?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Hey, I went to Harvard. That's gotta mean something."
I had to give him that point. If he was smart enough to get into Harvard, he could help me with my fics.
"And not only that, what do I have an Oscar for?"
"Writing," I conceded again, "although you deserved something for The Talented Mr. Ripley."
"Yes, I did."
"Guess the Academy didn't see past the gay serial killer thing, huh," I commiserated, remembering a few things I'd read in interviews and review about 'The Talented Mr. Ripley.'
"Yeah, whatever. Go back to your writing."
I did, and he went back to watching the movie.
We were silent for a bit, the only noises coming from the keyboard and the movie. It was oddly comforting, not being by myself in this empty house, with the promise of help on my fics from a clone of Matt Damon.
I had just figured out a way to work Bulk and Skull into my parody when I heard another voice behind me.
"Bout time I got in this one. Thought I was your favorite character."
I didn't even have to turn around, because I'd recognize that voice anywhere. But I turned anyway, just to verify it. Sure enough, there was Eugene Skullovitch, decked out in his Junior Police Patrol dress uniform from the dance at the end of 'The Potion Notion.'
"Hey, Skull," I told him, my shock not nearly as great as it could have been, due largely to the appearance of Matt a little bit ago.
"Hey. You're not going to hook me up with Kim in that fic, are you?" Skull asked, cleaning off another chair and sitting in it.
"Well, no, not this fic. Since this is the parody, Kim has a thing for Tommy that I'm blowing out of proportion," I explained to him as he opened one of the spare cans.
"So, you're the clone that LD gave me a few months ago, right?" I asked Skull, as he asked Matt what was going on in the movie.
"Yep, that's me."
It was more than a little odd to have the two guys I had spent so much time staring at sitting next to me, drinking my Mountain Dew, eating my Chex Mix and discussing one of my favorite movies.
Skull and Matt's conversation died when Ben and Matt appeared on screen again. Since Matt was pretty involved in watching 'himself,' Skull came over and stood behind me as I worked on the fic.
"So, when are you going to go back to working on that story where I'm on Terra Venture? I liked that one."
"Yeah, so did a lot of people," I commented, trying not to focus on the fact that two really hot guys were within three feet of me.
"So, why'd you stop?" he asked, walking around me and leaning a hip on the desk.
"Well, I was pretty pissed off, and it was starting to show in what I was putting into what I wrote. I mean, I threw in that whole thing with you wondering about whether or not Bulk even liked you anymore, since he hadn't even called you to wake you up. And then I did the same thing with Bulk, all depressed because he thought he'd never see you again. It wasn't as happy as part one had been," I explained, not looking at him. Man, I loved that uniform he was wearing.
"Yeah, sure, whatever. You just lost interest, and you gave that as an excuse."
"Or that could be the reason," I agreed, staring at his uniform. It looked even better than in the few pictures I had managed to get.
"So, why haven't you actually finished a fic about me yet? I mean, you've got at least three or four started, and others planned."
"Good question. Maybe I should go back to Right Where He Belongs. That was certainly going good, and I have most of it plotted out," I mused, checking my fic files for Skull fics that I'd started. "Well, I've only actually started two fics for you. RWHB and the Chris one where no one understood my teaser."
"Yeah, well you've got a bunch planned. The Gold Ranger one, the songfic to 'I Should Be Allowed to Think,' the one with Kim's twin, the one from before I knew the Rangers. And what do you start writing? One about Bulk from when we're monkeys." Skull glared at me, almost as if he couldn't believe I would write about Bulk instead of him.
"Hey! I had been thinking about doing a Bulk fic for a bit, especially after so many people commented on there being next to no Bulk fics, but plenty of Skull ones."
"Not that any of them are yours," he muttered, shifting his gaze to watch the movie some more. Matt was fast forwarding again, this time through the introduction to Serendipity, the muse played by Salma Hayek.
"And even if I hadn't started writing the Bulk fic, you know I'm not going to do the Gold Ranger one until I see Zeo, and the odds of that happening any time soon keep getting smaller and smaller," I informed him, attempting to defend my writing choices.
"Hey, do I get to be in that one?" Matt asked me, pausing the movie during Serendipity's complaints about how the Bible portrayed women.
I shook my head a bit. "Do you get to be in what one?"
"The Gold Ranger fic."
"Of course not. That's a Skull fic," I explained, surprised he would even ask.
"Oh, just because it's a Skull fic means I can't be in it?" Matt asked, raising an eyebrow. "What about Skull's random appearance in that Ashley fic you did?"
He had a point, but there was no way I would admit it. Before I could find a decent comeback, Skull joined in.
"Well, you're in the Kendrix fic. Isn't that enough?" Skull asked, glaring at Matt.
"He's definitely in that fic. He took my part," a new male voice answered Skull. I again turned, not in the least bit surprised to find Dr. Daniel Jackson, from Stargate, with his arms crossed and glaring at Matt and Skull. Daniel had the long hair from the first two seasons, and was wearing his green SG-1 uniform. For some reason, he wasn't wearing the floppy hat.
While I came to terms with yet another clone appearing in my small computer room, Matt and Skull just rolled with it, pulling Daniel right into the conversation as if he'd been there the whole time. Which, come to think of it, they probably did know him already. I'd gotten a Daniel clone for joining the DANIELites back in February, so that meant Daniel had been around for about six months, as opposed to Matt, who'd been here a week. As the three clones argued, I mentally tried to remember any other clones that I might have that could be making appearances before the night was over.
"I didn't take your part," Matt informed Daniel, doing his best to sound hurt, which was actually quite impressive.
"Oh?" Daniel asked, studying Matt. "If I recall, Sha're, my wife, was supposed to be one of the three that visit Kendrix. When Eury finally came back to working on that fic, suddenly Sha're was out, and one of the three visitors was married to someone named 'Matt,' and you were the one she used to describe the picture. Sure sounds like you got my part."
Seeing that Matt and Daniel were getting into this pretty good, Skull reached over and turned the tv off, since it was still paused in the middle of 'Dogma.'
Daniel turned to and looked at me, looking exactly like the scene in "One False Step" where he and Jack started yelling at each other. "Eury, prove who's right here. Oh, and do you have any coffee?"
Daniel and his coffee. Why wasn't I surprised? "Sorry, no coffee. Can't stand the stuff, and I'll have the rest of my life to get used to it. Have a Mountain Dew," I offered, handing him the other extra can I'd brought upstairs.
He looked at the can oddly, then took it. He didn't open it; he just stared at it. "Probably the same amount of caffeine anyway. Glad it's not beer."
Matt perked up at that. "Beer? You have beer?"
I sighed. "No beer, Matt. You'll have to get your own."
"Can we do that?" he asked me, although it could have easily been directed to Daniel and Skull, since they had been around longer than he had.
Apparently not, since the two of them both turned to me, with the same questioning look.
"Well, why couldn't you? Muses seem to be able to do all sorts of stuff, and you're claiming to be like a muse, so I don't see why not."
Within seconds, Matt was holding a six pack of Heineken, Daniel had a cup of steaming coffee, and Skull had changed into the regular Junior Police Patrol uniform and out of the formal one. Skull also had what looked like a smoothie from Ernie's in his hand. There were also three full unopened cans of Mountain Dew next to my keyboard, probably to make up for the ones they'd downed.
Daniel sat down in a chair that hadn't been there before, and resumed the conversation from earlier. "So, Eury, you gave my small cameo in the Kendrix fic to Matt, right?"
I cleared my throat. "Well, technically, no."
"Hah!" Matt yelled from his chair, pointing at Daniel with his drink.
"Matt was given the small cameo in the role of 'husband of normal visitor.' Your role, Daniel, was supposed to be 'husband of blunt visitor.'"
Skull looked up from his smoothie. "Why aren't I in this one?"
"Because," I sighed, "this is a Lost Galaxy fic. And in canon LG, you were left on Earth, and there would be no way to work that into a dead Kendrix fic."
"But you could work in Matt and Daniel?"
"They're not part of the canon PR universe, and Skull, you very much are. You and Bulk lasted longer than anybody else."
"So I should have more fics that anybody else!"
I tried not to laugh at his logic, although it did have merits.
"Hey, if we're complaining about fics with us, why don't you write any Stargate stuff?" Daniel asked, focusing on me.
"Because I'm not any good at it."
"But you haven't written any, so how would you know?" Daniel's logic was at least better than Skull's. Of course, Daniel did have a doctorate.
"I don't even read Stargate fanfiction. Why should I write it?" I reasoned, trying a different approach.
"Because you want to?"
"But I don't want to!"
"Then how am I supposed to get in any fics?"
Ah. The root of the problem. Daniel was upset that he wasn't in any of my fics, whereas Matt was already in two, and Skull was even more.
"Look, Daniel, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not comfortable writing Stargate stuff. I don't see any of the relationships that are the popular ones, and relationships are usually a major part of what I write."
Daniel wasn't buying it. Matt, however, decided to help me out. "Look, Daniel, would you rather her write a bad Stargate fic with you, or a good PR fic with someone else?"
"Probably a Skull PR fic," Daniel muttered, eyeing the third clone in the room.
"Hey, it's not like she's finished any of them," Skull had to mention, in an odd attempt to defend himself.
"Oh, thanks, Skull. Rub it in more," I responded, glaring back.
The three were silent for a minute, then just started to yell at each other a lot. I gave up trying to follow what they were arguing about, and kept an eye to make sure that they didn't beat each other up. Remembering Matt's fight scenes in 'Good Will Hunting' and 'The Talented Mr. Ripley,' I had a sneaking suspicion that he would win if it did come to blows, but I was hoping that it wouldn't.
Before I could break up the argument, another clone appeared, standing in between Daniel and Matt. I groaned, recognizing him.
Matt recognized him too. "Ben!" he shouted, jumping up and giving him a quick hug, as well as a beer.
With this fourth appearance, I was pretty used to it by now. "Hey, I know I don't have a Ben Affleck clone. Yet, at least."
Ben turned to me. He was wearing the leather jacket outfit too. "You're right, I'm not one of your clones. I actually belong to LD."
"Oh, really?" I raised an eyebrow. "She has a Ben Affleck clone? First I've heard of it."
"Of course she does. You remember all those times she told you that she thought I was cuter than Matt."
I grinned, remembering that quite well. At Matt's hurt look, I reached over and patted his leg. "Don't worry Matt, I defended you to her."
"Good."
An evil thought crossed my mind at that point. Before I lost my nerve, I decided to do it. "You know, Daniel, it was Ben here who took your part in the Kendrix fic. He's now the 'husband of blunt visitor.'"
Daniel's eyes narrowed at the newly arrived clone. "Oh, really? You're the one."
Ben put both his hands up, palms out, and tried to ward off Daniel. "Whoa, wait. Wait a sec. I'm in there as Rafe. Matt here is actually in there as Matt Damon."
Matt grinned at his long time friend. "But as Eury pointed out earlier, I'm the 'husband of normal visitor.' Rafe is the 'husband of blunt visitor,' and that's you, buddy."
Ben glared at Matt, as if to say 'Thanks for the help.'
I decided to let the four of them fight it out. If they broke anything, I'd have them replace it with their clone magic or whatever it was that they had. I tuned them out and tried to write.
It was the silence that pulled me away from the world of Terra Venture. For guys that had practically been at each other's throats earlier, they were unnaturally quiet. Cautiously, I looked over at the area where I had last seen them. Surprisingly enough, they all looked to be in one piece. Skull and Daniel were whispering to each other, occasionally glaring at the two Boston guys, or shooting a cautious look at me. Matt and Ben, oddly enough, had gone back to watching 'Dogma.' I was actually surprised that LD hadn't made Ben come back yet. But then, she was probably busy with one of those anime guys, or had managed to 'borrow' OrgAndros from Rangergirl.
Speaking of LD and Rangergirl, I checked the clock. YES! It was after nine, and I quickly logged on. Man, did I have a story to tell them tonight.
As I waited for AIM to open, I heard two thuds behind me. Fearing that the clones had started fighting again, I turned around, and groaned aloud. My groan was so loud, it caught the attention of the other four clones, who looked up at the newcomers. Daniel and Skull both followed my lead and groaned too, although nowhere near as anguished as mine had been. Ben and Matt, however, couldn't have looked happier.
The new arrivals were dressed similarly: both wore long sand-colored flowing robes, complete with hoods that I knew were there, even though they weren't currently wearing them.
"Hey, we heard there was a party here. Thought we'd stop by," the blond one said.
"Of course, we have to get back to Mos Eisley before too long. Can't have them getting suspicious," the dark haired one added.
Ben and Matt handed the two newcomers drinks, and then introduced them to Daniel and Skull. I just beat my head on the keyboard. They were Ben and Matt, Jedi Knights from the Star Wars universe that I had found the Saturday before on a Stargate mission. I was going to kill Hammer for going there. We should have gone to Titanic.
"For the tenth time, I don't like beer!" I heard Daniel inform the Jedi's, seconded by Skull, from my
position with my head on the keyboard. I just hoped they didn't all want to be in a fic, because it would
be awfully hard to work the Jedi's into one. It was going to be a long night.