I'm trying to remake my entire outlook. I hear things you would find funny, I think of things to tell you, but I can't. I, in a moment of fevered wisdom/stupidy, asked you to stay away. Now that you're away all I want is for you to come back. I was shyly planning a future with you. Nothing certain, no pressure, just a what if and wouldn't it be nice if. A house with property, a fifteen minute drive from a town. You a writer, a teacher, a theologian, whatever you decided in the end. Me a stable manager, instuctor, breeder whatever. Making dinner, the way we did at your house only it would just be the two of us. Knowing that each night we would share a bed and not have to worry about roomates and parents and other people in general. oh god

I thought being without you was hard the first time. Ha. I liked you, loved you but I hadn't opened my heart to you, taken the risk. This time I did. It was all there. If you had asked me, told me what you needed, I would have tried to do it. I yielded, surrendered. I was yours. I suppose I still am. I meshed my life, my habits, my being with yours whether you knew it or not. Now I am trying to undo all of it. Trying to pull all the little bits of me back. Trying to find other places to go other things to do. Trying to close myself up/off again. Its safer. I discovered how great if can be to be open and vunerable to another. I'm afraid that if I close I'll never be able to overcome the fear and open again but if I don't...I fear I will be torn to pieces and never be whole. What can I do?

Never read trashy romance novels in the aftermath of a relationship; they hurt more than they help.

Please tell me I'm wrong to want to be with you. Tell me there is no hope. Tell me you don't love me, that you don't care.

Its so bitter lying in bed at night longing for you, loving you, knowing that you are yards away, loving me. We're staying away out of some sense that we'll hurt each other less this way? I don't know if that's true for me. I never wanted to hurt you. This wasn't what I wanted. I suppose if my presense hurts you I must stay away. Damn it! But do I really hurt you? I don't know. I certainly don't want to stay away. I'm not staying away out a desire to protect you as galling as it is to say. I stay away out of the fear of being rejected by you. I feel a small and mean person for that truth.

5/8

What the hell is your problem? Does insulting me, hurting me, villifing me make you FEEL better? I've started to feel better you know. I can face life without you with that numbed collapsed sensation. I have regrets. I don't feel this need to be with you. I regret things went the way they did. It wasn't solely my fault though. How long were you in love with her during our relationship? Were you ever not in love with her? Were you ever in love with me? You say you love me but are not in love with me? What exactly do you mean? You once asked why girls(she and I, I presume) fall totally and completely in love with you and don't know why. I may have the answer. Having a low self image, worth, and having no faith in our appearance, we are grateful that someone loves us. At some level we don't know if we'll ever have another chance, another person to be with, so we cling tightly, desperatly to what we have. To do that and stay somewhat sane we must love completely. Clear enough for you, Sam? I won't come back ever, Sam. I will not be an ever-ready doormat like she is. She'll always come when you call won't she, Sam. What is the worth of a person like her? What is the worth of a person like me? I suppose you've decided. I think you're wrong. I hope you're happy with your choice. I hope you're happy with the person who destroyed your faith in love and your ability to love. At least that's what you told me she did. You've proven yourself to me, Sam. I finally believe the things you told me. You win. Nicole is the prize.