6/8

It's days like these. I hate feeling this way. Depression is a viscious thing. It's not something you can isolate from your day to day existence. It isn't something you can just decide to stop doing. I am aware of it. I know I have no reason outside of my own mind to feel this way. The real thing is that it changes the way I view things. On a day I am not having problems, not getting email from friends, or not being able to talk with a friend online is not something that bothers me. But days like today it burns. I become convinced that it is somehow personal. That I am being avoided. That people don't like me. That I have somehow done something to offend. Days like today I can't stand the fact that I am alone in my world. I want someone to be here. I would give nearly anything to have someone who cares about me and that I also care about to hold me. This feeling of hopelessness about ever having that in my life again... I wonder why I bother writing this crap. There are two people in the world who know about these pages. One will never see them and the other... ha... The other is a story unto himself. He... burns, he is one aflame, to borrow a phrase. He burns me by his existence and I don't think he really knows it. I've never even heard his voice... Ah, well I really should quit this self-indulgence.

6/10

I find myself doubting the reality of my exsistence. Nothing feels real to me anymore. One could argue that what you believe to be real is reality, at least to you. Then is my exsistence no longer reality because I do not believe it to be real? I don't know. I believe in a reality, that it is there, beyond my ability to acknowledge it. That somewhere I am real. I just don't think this is it. What then is this thing that I doing, what is this life? Is it a proving ground for my greater self. Is it a training exercise for something else? Is it a cruel deception that I cannot see through? I wish I knew.