self

Let me tell a little story.

There are a lot of homeless people in the place where I study (Ok I know there are everywhere). Whenever I passed by, they would say "spare a change". I've never actually given any change to them, since I've always believed that's a bad thing to do. They might use the money for drugs, alcohol and get stuck on the streets forever. However, despite I knew what I do is right, I still feel guilty whenever I refused to give them any money.

So, one day (where there's a free lunch served in college =), I suddenly had this idea and decided to pack a little pack of food for these people and give them a treat (come on, it's not exactly bad food ;p). I can remember how excited I was, at lectures I couldn't stop thinking how happy I'd be when I hand the food to the beggar. I even planned to do this after every free lunch, and ...

I came to this random guy sitting on the street. I was about to hand the food to him, and then I saw he was smoking.

I paused for a moment ... he's got spare money for cigarettes?

For a moment I wanted to walk away (I've to say I do have negative impressions of smokers), but then since I've gone this far I might as well. "Would you like any food?", said I, with uncertainty. He didn't answer; I handed it over anyway, and he took it, without any signs of gratitude.

I left and watched him for a while. He ate the chocolate eclair, ignored other stuff in the pack, and continued his "spare a change please".

The feeling was awful. I was expecting this great joy from him and ... at least a "thank you". The homeless shelters must have overfed people.

But why exactly was I sad?

When I went home, I thought for a while. I came to the conclusion that I was doing it because of myself. I was doing it because I:
a) wanted to wash away the guilt of turning my back from them in the past
b) wanted to feel "righteous",
c) basically wanted to feel good.
I, not the beggar, was the centre of this good deed. This is obviously wrong: love should come before my own happiness, not the other way round. Happiness should not be the reason of good deeds.

I started to think about my charity in the past. Are they selfless? ... no. I began to realise how little and selfish a creature I've been. I've claimed myself as a Christian, yet I've not done any good deeds because of Jesus. I've "preferred my pleasure to God" (2Tim 3:5).

After this, I became a little more humble. I realised I'm just a dirty little thing who desparetly need God's help to be made righteous.

Some might ask, do selfless good deeds exist?

Look at the cross, and you've the answer.