Smack The Pony
Material for Smack The Pony, Series 3
VEGETARIAN MEAT COUNTER
LOCATION: SUPER MARKET MEAT COUNTER. COUNTER STAFF AND CUSTOMER AT OPPOSITE SIDES.
CUSTOMER: Two pounds of Cumberland sausages, four pork chops and a, um, leg of lamb. Please.
COUNTER STAFF TAKES MEAT PRODUCTS BUT THEN PUTS THEM ASIDE
COUNTER STAFF: Okay, here...
COUNTER STAFF HANDS OVER A SPEAR AND A LARGE NET TO CUSTOMER.
CUSTOMER: Ummm, what...
COUNTER STAFF: Look, this is a vegetarian meat counter.
CUSTOMER:Ummm, a vegetarian...
COUNTER STAFF: Okay, okay I know, not a strict vegetarian meat counter, I admit. I just happen to believe you should be prepared to hunt for something before you are willing to actually eat it. So I’m going to hide these meat products around the store and you can hunt them down. Close your eyes, no peeking.
CUSTOMER OBEYS. COUNTER STAFF LEAVES WITH MEAT.
CUT TO:
CUSTOMER CHARGING ROUND WITH THE SPEAR. SPEARS AND NETS CHOPS, SAUSAGES AND LEG OF LAMB. FRIGHTENS OTHER CUSTOMERS, HIDES BEHIND DISPLAYS. LEAPS ON MEAT PRODUCTS ON THE GROUND, ON SHELVES, IN OTHER PEOPLE’S TROLLEYS.
CUT TO:
BACK AT THE COUNTER, CUSTOMER IS NOW SWEATY, OUT OF BREATH, WITH MEAT PRODUCTS IN HAND
CUSTOMER: That was fantastic, great.
COUNTER STAFF: Well, I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. Pay at the till, please.
CUSTOMER: Will they, will they taste better now I’ve hunted them myself?
COUNTER STAFF:No.
END
HEDGEHOG PIZZA
LOCATION: DOOR TO A FLAT, FACING ONTO THE STREET. THERE’S A GATHERING OF FRIENDS INSIDE, LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING, OCCASIONAL LAUGHTER.
PIZZA GIRL KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, WIFE OPENS THE DOOR.
PIZZA GIRL: Pizzas.
WIFE:(SHOUTS BACK INTO HOUSE) Pizzas everyone. (TO PIZZA GIRL) Now, can I just check we got everything.
PIZZA GIRL: One pepperoni, deep pan cheese rim, one ham and pineapple thin crust, one Spinach feast, herb base, one hedgehog.
WIFE: That last one again.
PIZZA GIRL:One hedgehog.
WIFE: I ordered a Triple Cheese deep pan.
PIZZA GIRL: Well you’ve got a hedgehog.
HUSBAND COMES TO DOOR, HANDS ON WIFE’S SHOULDERS
HUSBAND: Everything alright?
WIFE: You ordered Triple Cheese, didn’t you.
HUSBAND: Yes., yes that’s right, why? Haven’t I got Triple Cheese?
WIFE: No, you’ve got a hedgehog pizza.
HUSBAND: Oh, that’s not right.
WIFE: That’s what I said.
PIZZA GIRL: Sorry, no, you haven’t got a hedgehog pizza.
WIFE: Ah, I see. That was a joke then. Pizza delivery wacky sense of humour, yes?
PIZZA GIRL: No, it’s not a hedgehog pizza. It’s a hedgehog.
HUSBAND: Sounds exotic.
PIZZA GIRL: I got bored on the way over here, so I ate your Triple Cheese pizza and replaced it with a hedgehog I found squashed on the road. They’re about the same shape so I thought...
HUSBAND: I’m happy to try anything once.
WIFE: I don’t like the sound of it.
HUSBAND: I might like it, just give her the money.
WIFE: You give in too easily, she’s eaten your pizza.
HUSBAND: Well, she was probably hungry.
PIZZA GIRL:I was, I was hungry.
WIFE: Well why didn’t you eat the hedgehog.
PIZZA GIRL:I’m a vegetarian.
VOICE FROM BACK: What’s the hold up there? We’re starving.
HUSBAND: (CALLS BACK INTO HOUSE) Anyone there want hedgehog?
VOICE FROM BACK: No, I ordered pepperoni.
HUSBAND: What does hedgehog taste like?
PIZZA GIRL:Dunno. I’m a vegetarian.
WIFE: I expect it tastes like chicken, most things do.
HUSBAND: Oh, but I like chicken.
PIZZA GIRL: Look, do you want your pizzas, hedgehog included or not? Only the hedgehog’s starting to ooze out of the sides.
HUSBAND: The hedgehog doesn’t come with anchovies does it?
PIZZA GIRL: No, I scraped it off the road, like I said.
HUSBAND: Oh well, that’s fine then. I hate anchovies.
WIFE: Oh all right. Here.
WIFE GIVES MONEY TO PIZZA GIRL, TAKES PIZZAS, CLOSES DOOR. PIZZA GIRL WALKS AWAY FROM HOUSE, MONEY IN HANDS, LAUGHING DOING A LITTLE DANCE.
PIZZA GIRL:(TO HERSELF) It wasn’t even a real hedgehog.
SAMARITANS
LOCATION: SAMARITANS OFFICE. POSTERS ON WALL, TWO COMPUTERS WITH TWO OPERATORS, KAREN AND JULIE, WITH HEADSETS.
KAREN, PUTS DOWN HER HEADSET AND GRABS HER COAT. A SMALL LIGHT ON HER DESK STARTS FLASHING.
KAREN: Finally. Okay Julie, see you tomorrow.
JULIE: Are you not going to get that call?
KAREN STOPS, COAT HALF ON.
KAREN: I’ve got to get to Debenhams before it closes. I’ll make it if I run.
JULIE: Karen.
KAREN: But it’s the last day of the sale and it closes in two minutes!
JULIE: Karen.
IN A MOOD, KAREN TAKES HER COAT OFF SITS DOWN, SNATCHING UP HER HEADSET.
KAREN: Oh alright. Hello yes? Samaritans here? What? (BEAT) Look this isn’t a good time, can you call back in the morning? (BEAT) No, I was just on my way out when you caught me. Is it really that bad? Okay, okay (RAISES EYES AT JULIE) Really? (MIMES CUTTING HER THROAT AND STICKING TONGUE OUT AT JULIE) How long have you felt like this? (MIMES HANGING HERSELF WITH ROPE TO JAREN) Well, you’ve called me, and that’s a start. That says you haven’t given up all hope (PRETENDS TO DROWN).
KAREN: Hang on, you said you were going to jump off Hammersmith Bridge didn’t you? Well are you there now? (BEAT) Right. Okay, well look to your left. What do you see? I’ll tell you, the river, the long river, deep, dark and dank. Now to your left, what do you see? (BEATS) That’s right, Debenhams. And what do you see in the window? No, I’ll tell you, you see a medium length red dress with 50 percent off on it. Colin, will you do something for me? I want you go any buy that dress. And then send it to me, I’ll give you the money and everything. IS that, no Colin, no don’t... (BEAT) (TO JULIE) I think he’s jumped. Bastard!
END
VIDEO DATES
1) DATER, WHITE T-SHIRT AND JEANS.
DATER: My ideal man would be me but wearing jeans. (LOOKS DOWN AND THEN UP) I know I’m wearing jeans as well, but that’s just another of the things we’d have in common.
2) DATER, WEARING BLACK.
DATER: I’m looking for someone to have an pseudo-oedipedal relationship with. (JOKEY) Obviously I won’t tear my eyes out anything (SERIOUS) but I will want to sleep with your father.
3)DATER HOLDING A DOG TO HER CHEST.
DATER: I believe that a dog’s behaviour is very much like their owner. If you want to meet me, you must bring your dog with you. If they start sniffing each other’s bottoms, then I reckon we’d be in with a chance!
4) DATER, WELL WRAPPED UP IN WOOL.
DATER: When the Romans conquered the Britons, they used huge armies, ferocious warriors, skilled archers, hunting dogs and slaves. I don’t expect anything less from you.
This is a creative portfolio for advertising copywriter Rich Johnston.
You can call him on 0780 1350982 or at twisting@hotmail.com
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