 DATE: Monday, July 18th TIME: 7:04am WEIGHT: ? CONSUMED: Alot. So much for fasting all day... FEELING: Tired and shitty. Why the fuck am I up so damn early?
Gods, I feel like shit. Say it with pride, I - FEEL - LIKE - SHIT. So don't fucking ask ok. Yes I ate a fucking lot, but don't I always? Gods I wish I wasn't going to the Thai picnic because then I want to cut and carve away at my skin, and I would feel huge everytime I looked at the yummy Thai food. I fucking hate me, I really fucking dispise me. I want to cut, I want to slice, I want to bleed. Bleed that fat blood, its all I deserve. I'm so fucking stupid, I didn't binge. I didn't. I still ate though and that's bad. That's very bad. Yeah sure, believe all that bull shit they tell you: "you need to eat" "I'm alowed to skip meals, I'm fatter than you" "Your skinny as a rake!" Oh and my all time favorite: "Shut up, your dead thin you don't need to diet" You dont need to eat. Food is evil. All food. Even grapes. Since when was there a law that if you are fatter than me you are alowed to skip meals? Shall I check that in the big book of stupid laws set to make me fatter? What fucking rakes do you use?!!!! I don't need to diet? Why? So it rules out the chances of being thinner than you one day?!!!!! I am so fucking sick of this life.
Ugh. I'm tired and I feel like SHIT. But I think I said that above. Anyway, I had another dream at about 2am this morning again. I dreamt that I was walking along a street on a chilly November day. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Silver (guarding/guide/protector/totem/ect.) digging in a tipped over garbage can. Once I had stopped to look at her, she looked right back at me. Then she turned around and headed down the alley way with me running after her. I lost sight of her almost immediately. I stopped in an opening of the alley and glanced around. She must have brought me here for a reason, right? I thought to myself. One of the garbage cans caught my eye, even though it looked exactally the same as the other four or five cans sitting next to it. Under a few paper bags and some other smelly stuff was a knife. A very nice knife in my opinion. About 14" long from handle to blade tip, double edged. Kinda heavier then I was used to so I figured it was made of silver and not steel. The handle was simple, yet still breathtaking. It was a dark metalic blue-ish purple with black runes and other symbols that wouldn't do much to tell you 'cuz you wouldn't understand anyway. I picked it up and immediately felt a life force in it; followed by a vision of sorts. In said vision, I saw that the knife was old, but well-used and well taken care of. Maybe a hundred years old, if that. Anyway, I saw that it was a 'family tresure', handed down the generations to the 'worthy' of that family line. I won't go into how it first came to the family line, it's pointless. And I won't go into who had once had it and what they had done with it either because it's pointless. But I will tell you about the woman that had most resently held ownership of such a weapon. Her name was Aroura (cool name, eh?), named after her mother who was killed by...well; we'll get to that. Anyway, Aroura was a Vampyre, and indeed one of strong lineage and quite strong (in more ways then one). Aroura's mother was killed by a Hunter (sounds like Anne Rice, but it's my dream so shut the fuck up) who's name the vision didn't reveal. Aroura had come to claim revenge on said Hunter, but the Hunter was better (for lack of better word) and beat the shit out of poor Aroura, even killing her with her own knife (the one I held in my hand). The Hunter must have had some heat from the cops to throw such a beautful treasure like the knife into the trash. Or maybe she (yes, Hunter is a woman) was plauged by Aroura's spirit or something. The vision didn't show me. All it gave to me was what had once happened, it was up to me to decide what to do with it now. I felt the blade's magic/power/history run through me (which was very empowering). I turned around and saw that I was being watched by one that I immediately identified as a lower-grade Hunter (most likely one of the She-Hunter's little slap-happy underlings that she commands). He smiled a wicked smile, flashing his yellow teeth and letting me get a full view of the missing spaces between them. He was riddled with scars and looked like the dead, only his eyes showed any sign of life and movement inside. Bloodshot and a very creepy ice blue. It became clear to me in those few seconds why he was still alive: trickery. He wasn't the strongest or fastest or not even anywhere NEAR a desent Hunter (not even worthy of the title. 'Killer' is probably more fitting to him). He was only alive because he could out-wit his foe. And, judging by the fact that he looked to be about 50 yrs. old (but could have just been because he was so damn ugly) I had reason to fear. In a blur (I really don't know how it happened, it doesn't make any sense) the blade somehow got plunged into his flesh, and he fell to the ground. In his last moments all he did was laugh and flash that yellow nearly-toothless grin, all which creeped me out and angered me at the same time, causing me to cut his throat just to make it stop. But I can still hear his laughter echo throughout me, like some evil magic or whatever. Then I stood up, whiped the blood of my new knife, and walked back into the street. I knew the Hunter would find out sooner or later that I'd killed on of "her's" and come looking for me. But until that day, I would keep living my life just as I always have. And now, I have a nice new weapon when I Astral places. It's cool, it's not made out of normal energy like my other weapons on the Astral plane were, this is made out of something more and I like it. I figure I should go look for Aroura's family, they know of her fate, but I want to keep the knife. Maybe someday, not anytime soon, I'll look them up. Not in a phonebook or anything, this was just a dream and I don't know who the House Leader is. I wouldn't want an entire Vampyre family hunting me down! Eep...I dunno, it was a cool dream, but it was something more then that. But aren't my dreams ALWAYS a little more then normal or a little extra bloody? Meh. Maybe that's just me. But it's cool, and I think I'll enjoy this little bloodfeud. Should be fun, no?
Eleven hours (and fifteen minutes) into my fast. I'm going to fast (try to anyway) all day today, maybe tomorrow (doubt it) and then all day Wednesday and Thursday. I'm not going to step onto that scale until I KNOW I am under 120 pounds. I'm in my jeans (size 5!) right now, so that mean I'm under 130 lbs. still. Eepsnay. Well; I think I'l go play Diablo II. You know, just to keep busy? I've already done everything possible here. Except mop. And I hate to mop. Until later I guess.
Dad and Orn went for a walk. They decided to make chicken on the grill and fried Thai rice when they get back. Damnit. That means I'm going to have to eat, and I don't want to. Because that would mean that I fasted all day for nothing. Maybe if I eat just a little bit of chicken. Just a tiny piece. Would that be okay? I mean, I alreasy burned it off. It wouldn't be more then 300 calories. Even with the rice. I hope I can do that. Damn.
Ugh. Had some rice and a few veggies and a little meant and some of a really yummy omlette. *sigh* I wish I could go puke it upm but Orn and dad are still here. Damn it all to Hell and back. I ate way too much. Maybe about 900 calories? I dunno. I can't think. Numbers aren't coming into mind at the moment. I feel so fucked up. And do you know what's sad? My gandpa called me and couldn't remember who I was or even who he was calling. He said he was trying to call Francie (his cousin I think). He didn't even reconize my voice. I told him I was his granddaughter, and he said he'd try again. It was like I wasn't even alive to him anymore. That's so sad. I almost cried. |
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