.x.DATE:Monday, August 22nd .x.TIME:11:45am .x.WEIGHT:119.5 pounds .x.CALORIES:some where between 200-300 .x.FEELING:Tired, happy, somewhat sick still .x.QUOTE:"I didn't choose this life, I was born and here I am." Achillies, Troy I was feeling overly green...But anyway, It's nearly noon and I just got up. Damnit. Guess I was tired. But I feel good. I could sleep longer, but I have work to do. I weigh myself today. Need to go take a shower. Starting a fast, with Sarah's help of course, trying to see how many days I can go without food before I pass out. But I'll probably eat something tonight 'cuz dad will make me. No, I'll go throw away some sticky rice. Maybe that will keep them off my back for a while. But yeah, I'll go take a shower and see if I lost any weight. Doubt it. But at least I can hope, right?.1:45pm. Well...I'm under 120 lbs. Barely. Ugh. 115 by the end of this week. I'll weigh myself on Friday, before the weekend. Weekends are always the hardest for me. Orn is here, making some kind of food. Had to taste test her sticky rice. Only a spoonfull, if that. Maybe 15 calories, probably not even. But I know I'll burn that much off easily. Have to help Orn set up her new DSL later. And load/unload stuff from the old office to the new one. Ugh. I don't want to do anything today besides crawl into a little hole and sleep for a few hundred years. I wonder if that's possible. People are in comas for years, I wonder what it would be like to be asleep for 50 or 60 years and then wake up and everyone you used to know is either dead, forgotten, or far away. It'd be sad and kinda lonely, but I think I might actually enjoy it after the numbness set in. People could live for literally hundreds of years! Cool, huh? Well, whatever. I'll go read other people's diaries now..4:59pm. OpenDiary.com isn't working at all, although TOD is. Which is odd, usually it's the other way around. Ohh. Orn made cheese sticks, fish, and shrimp. I'm guessing somewhere between 200-300 calories. I can't honestly say. Not too many, but I still feel bad for eating it. No, actually...I don't. Odd. Hm. I told myself, "Okay, this is the last shrimp" and I asked Sarah to help control me and I didn't eat anymore. I'm done eating for today. But I know tonight will be hard. I'll be strong, Sarah is here to help keep me strong. MSN messenger is down, no idea why. I think everything is fucked up on every computer everywhere. Maybe it's just mine, but it still sucks..9:54pm.Just got back from moving a shit load of stuff. Ugh. Kinda wore out. Talking to some chick who tells me she's without "family" from nearby. Should prove to be interesting, at least it will drive away the bordum for a few weeks. Anyway, I've wanted to cut recently. Alot. And now I think I've figured out why: I need to feed. Not like surface feeding, deep down core feeding. I think that's why I got sick. Still am sick, but I'm getting better. I think. I'll do that later tonight after Orn and dad go to bed. I'll have to feed from the Earth again. Can't feed from myself, although I'm majorly craving blood. Can't feed from a donor 'cuz damnit, I don't have one! Maybe thie Awna chick could prove useful. Doubt it. But it can't hurt to try, there isn't much of a Clan left so it is fucking lonely here. Well, anyway. I had an idea about all this. I can use this needing to feed to my advantage. So here's the thing, and Sarah's going to help me with it (she thinks it's a good idea too). I need to feed, deep feed (I want blooood damnit, but it's not going to happen) so...I'm just going to tell myself that I can't eat because it's pointless. The more food I eat the worse my cravings get. Nothing but blood/lots of rich energy will fill up this 'void' in me and if I eat 'human food' it will only make me crave more because it's not what my body needs. It's not what I need. That's my plan. Food will only make things worse, so damnit, don't fucking eat any human food. I'll draw some energy from the Earth later tonight if I remember, I can feel my sheilds getting weaker/dimmer. Meh. Enough of that for a while. Oh. I got to thinking too aobut how some people disassoiate and stuff and how others go inside and it got me wondering why some did one and some did the other. Anyone ever wonder about that? I do the latter of the two, preferring to go inside my head. That way, if something horrible happens, I'll be nearby and it doesn't take as long to come back into my skin. The thing I worry most aout though is one day getting 'locked inside my head'. That's the creepy part, 'cuz I'll see everything that's happening but I can't do anything about it. I guess it's better than having to worry about having some spirit take over your body while you're 'out'. But then again, I INVITE spirits to take over my body sometimes. Who do you think Sarah and Osala are? That's what I am. Who's the real me? Dunno. We probably killed her. Stuffed her in a cage somewhere. I don't care. None of us do. All that matters is that we are here now and we aren't going anywhere. That's enough for tonight, I need rest and Osala needs to feed before she ends up like Kyle. *shiver* That's the one thing I'm most afraid of, ending up like Kyle. Gods; I wish I still had a "family" left. I haven't spoken to or seen Nite since...I forget when. The last time I mentioned it I guess, and that was a while ago. I'm just so fucking lonely. .10:42pm.I had better weigh less tomorrow. I didn't have all that many calories. I hope I'm less. I've got to be less.

.x.DATE: Tuesday, August 23rd .x.TIME: 9:30am .x.WEIGHT: 119.5 pounds .x.CALORIES: 300? .x.FEELING: Weak, sick, tired, vampiric .x.QUOTE: "Look daddy, I'm fucked up and I need help. But the trouble is, I'm the only one who can help myself. And I obvisouly haven't done very well with that." - me I didn't actually say my quote to my dad, but I was thinking it in my head last night. I'd never actually SAY it to hi, to anyone. Tried feeding last night, and I just couldn't do it. How could I have let myself get this low and not even realize it? I can smell everything, Orn's shrimp from last night are still on her skin, dad's metal smell from being in the shop all day. But it's worse now. I can smell the carpet, I can smell the blood pumping though Orn's veins (and she's 30 ft. away!)m I can smell that cat's breath and she's about 10 ft. from me too. I can smell, hear, and almost taste everything. I'ts driving me crazy. But I'm too damn weak to feed. I can't feed. This is so scarry. I've used up the last of my energy reserves just to function. It will last about a week, if that. I'll have to feed before the weekend. Somehow, I'll need to sit down and drain the entire world. I hate feeding from people, but I think I'll have to now. Just, damnit. How could I not have noticed I was getting so low in my energy levels? Maybe I'll go for a "walk" and feed off of the people that run/bike past me. Right now tough, I need to take a shower. *crosses finger* I hope I'm less. I hope I'm less. PLEASE, let me be 119.0 I need to be 119.0 Down a half pound, please scale Gods, have mercy on your servent..11:05am Still weigh the same. I guess it's better than gaining. But I can't eat, it will only make this worse. I need to feed, I don't think my energy will last throughout the week. Hell, I don't even think I can make it through today...I need to go for a "walk", I need to feed. Don't want to end up like my Kyle. My sweet little Kyle...I miss him so much.5:14pmGah! Bete ordinataure! My French spelling is horrendous, but I know what I mean. I'm at Orn's office setting stuff up. Her laptop is EVIL EVIL EVIL. I've restarted it at least six times. Evil printer. Doesn't wanna print. They want to take me out to eat at some Mexican place across the street. I've already had three cookies. I shouldn't have had them but whatever. How many calories is that? 100? I dunno. Fuck.I probably burned that off already. I hope so. I don't want to go out to eat, I don't even want to eat. How am I going to avoid this?.10:02pm. Learned how to write my name in Thai. And how to say "hello", "thank you" and "your welcome". Woohoo. Yay for me and the learningness. New word :D. Anyway, moved stuff out of Orn's office and out of her apartment. Stole some gauze from the old office building, and got a cigarette from one of her neighbors in her apartment building. Almost talked a pizza guy into giving me a free pizza, but we had to leave. I don't need it anyway. Oh, we went out to eat at that Mexican place. Had part of a taco. And some taco salad. 200 calories or so in total. Plus the cookies from before. That equals 300 hundred calories. I burned off some of them, I know that for sure. Don't know how much. I sooo want that cigarette, but I'll have to wait until tomorrow when I go for a "walk". No wait, I need to be ready my 9:30 am, so I'll need to get up early. Crap. Set the alarm. I didn't want to eat, but I'm surprized that I don't feel THAT horrible. Maybe it's because I didn't really eat alot. Maybe it's 'cuz I fed before and I could break down the food better. Hm. Whatever. I'm not going to dwell on it. Good night little chickies!

.x.DATE: Wednesday, August 24th .x.TIME: 11:01am .x.WEIGHT: 118.5 pounds yay! .x.CALORIES: -75 .x.FEELING: Little warm, happy .x.QUOTE: "It's weird, I know that somewhere along the line I stopped being me. I used to laugh, I used to smile, I used to eat. Now all I seem to do cry, flash a fake smile, and starve. I don't even sleep anymore, I'm as awake as Ana, and I think we all know Ana never sleeps. She whispers soft words of encouragment during the day, and walks by my side in the light. When things get tough she sings me sweet lullabys and tells me things will be alright in the end, perfect even,and i want to believe her. When I finally do sleep, as I toss and turn she invades my dreams showing and telling me different ways I can be thin, thin, thinner. Peope tell me me that the voice of Ana is strong and hard to fight. At this point in time I've lost the fight, and I don't want to win it either! I'm quite happy to lean on her . She tells me she understands, and these days I belive her." - Perfect_Butterfly Woke up at 8:09am this morning. That's about 20 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. Ugh. And I went to bed around 3am. Five hours of sleep, if that. Surprizingly, I'm not very tired. Maybe it's the fix I had this morning. Oh, and I rode 3 miles so I'm in the negative for calories. Yay! I haven't seen this number on the scale in over two years. I'm so proud of myself for getting this far. But I've got a lot of work to do today at the office for Orn. Gotta type upp moving letters, sign up sheets, info booklets, also need to renew my library books after I find my card. I have a lot of stuff to do. But I'll be online if anyone wants to chat with me..12:24pm.Ack.Okay, I had two mini cookies. Maybe 50 calories. Not too horrible though..2:28pm. Walked over to Baja Sol to get lunch for Orn. Had a few tortilla chips, and part of a very spicy taco that I've come to crave. That makes my calories now to be somewhere about 100 or so. Not bad. But it's only 2:30pm, there's a lot of time for this to go wrong. Gotta stay strong. That 'food only makes is worse' isn't true now 'cuz I fed yesterday and I have more energy now than I realized. I probably fed off of someone and din't realize it, but I feel really good. Not even kind sick. But that could all change. Meh. Gotta get back to folding papers and sending out letters..6:19pm.Went for another bike ride, 3 miles again. 130 calories burned. Woot. Went to look at a new apartment. Same rental company, diferent building. We get a month free if we do for two years. Good deal. Back at the office again. I'll be here until about 9pm. Ugh. I've been here since 11am, plus two hours before that running errons for her/with her/whatever. Ugh..7:51pmI am so BORED! There's nothing to do. Correction, there's plenty to do. I just don't want to do it.....9:11pm. Let's tally this up now: 6 miles = 250 calories burned. Chips, cookies, & taco = 450? calories consumed. 450 - 250 = 200 calories consumed. That sounds about right, doesn't it? I have a round-up, round-down rule: exercise, round calories burned down. So if I burn 138 according to the little machine thing, round down to 125. If I eat, round up. So if I have a taco and it's 179 calories, round up to 200. My round-up, round-down method. Ohh, I'm so tired...5 hours of sleep plus 12 hours of work... My brain hurts, too many false numbers, too much thinking. Ahh...h..hhh...*falls over dead*

.x.DATE: Thursday, August 25th .x.TIME: 12:26pm .x.WEIGHT: 117.5 pounds!!! .x.CALORIES: None .x.FEELING: happy! .x.QUOTE: ? Had to wait for 45 minutes in the car this morning while Orn went and got another fan for the office. It really gave me time to think about this ED and how everything thing in my life is effected by it. Like how I've noticed there isn't really any middle ground anymore. There isn't any 'okay' or 'just fine' anymore. Everything is either fat or thin, black or white, right or wrong. I watched people walk in and out of the store and it almost amazed me how many of them are fat/overweight. I didn't see anyone skinny or even remotely thin. How sad is that? Nowdays people are either severly overweight or emancipated. I prefer the latter, personally. But there's no more 'average' people anymore. There aren't anymore 'normal' people. There's so many fat people, there aren't very many truely skinny ones. I want to be so skinny. While I was waiting, I went inside myself to see how my Sarah was doing. She's doing really well. Usually she's huddled against a wall orin a corver curled up trying to escape from the world. But today she was upand walking around. More like pacing, but at a slow, controled pace. I'm so happy to see her walking around. That means she's stronger, and getting stronger. And I made her that way. Every pound I lose the stronger she gets. And I'm so pround. So pround. I asked her if I was going well, because I thought I was doing well. And she said to me, "You're doing okay, you're doing better than before. But you're not doing well yet, you aren't doing great." A littly stab in the heart, but I'll get over it. SHe said I was doing better, that's an improvement from the usual look of disguest and torture on her face. I also realized when I was sitting there that I invited this ED in. I invited Sarah to make me thin, no matter what. I knew exactally what I was getting myself into, I did all the medical research, read all the books, and listened to all the stories, and I'd seen ow things can end and how painful the whole excerience could be; and I welcomed it. And never once have I regreted my choice. I've come too far now to binge, although today I've allowed myself a limit of 500 calories. Was too tired to go ride bike this morning. Slept in until 9am. Orn's taking a nap, and I'm updating more paperwork. She has a client coming at 6:30pm, and then another one tomorrow morning at 10am. We're gong home at about 3pm for supper with dad and then we'll come back here for 3 hours for the massage. Her site looks wonderful, we even gota refferal off of it. Yay. Haven't gotten paid for anything yet, but maybe I could rack up some points to be used at a later date. Maybe I'll have her pay me in favors. I need a passport still, maybe I'll make that my payment. Sounds fair, doesn't it?.4:38pm. On my lunch break now, although I already ate. Shh! Don't tell the boss hehe! Ordered a large pizza from Pap John's ($15) and got a free 6" dessert pizza. Mmm. Eat half of the large pizza (no idea how many calories) and half of the dessert pizza (again, no idea on calories). Orn only had one slice of pizza and one piece of the dessert. She was tired. Not my problem. Sarah is shaking slowly shaking her head back and forth at me. She looks so disappointed/betrayed. I feel sorry for her, but I don't seem to feel very guilty about eating. I wonder how much I'll weigh tomorrow. 120? 119? Who knows. No more food today, probably shouldn't eat much tomorrow. Too tired to bike/exercise today. It's 90 degrees out, so it's also too hot. Maybe tomorrow. Need to restrict all weekend too 'cuz I binged on the pizza today..5:31pm.Old James Bond movies are the ultimate thinsperation. There's a ton of hot skinny chicks, and in the one I'm watching right now he had to eat a sheep's eyeball! Eww! I'm never eating again! (We all know that isn't true, but eh). I've got to get going soon. Maybe another 15 minutes. Sarah is just leaning against the wall now with her head down and eyes closed. Before she was standing, not moving, simply standing there like a statue. Now she looks so weak compared to this morning. I'm so sorry Sarah for making you hurt, I'll make you proud of me. I'll do better. No, I'll do well. I'll make you so strong....10:39pm. Had two more slices of the pizza, plus one more of the dessert pizza. Ughhh. Sarah is hunched down against the wall now, head down. She looks like she's in so much pain. She tells me she if with a nod of her head. I tell her I'm sorry, but I like pizza. A lot, and she knows it's one of the foods I always cave into and can never pass up. And because I know that I won't get it again for a while, I stuff my face like the pig I am. I feel so full, so fat. I can't expand anymore. Anyone want to make a guess as to how much I'll weigh tomorrow? I'll design you a website template or layout if you're correct. Promise. C'mon, it will be fun. Guess how fat I'll be tomorrow. *nudge nudge* What do you think? 120? 122? 150? 237?

.x.DATE: Friday, August 26th .x.WEIGHT: 121.5 pounds .x.CALORIES: None today .x.FEELING: Cold,tired,numb-ish,weak .x.QUOTE: *-.-* .1:40am.When does it end? When am I 'not a cutter anymore'? I haven't cut for a week, am I still a cutter? I haven't cut for a month, am I still a cutter? I haven't cut for three months, five months, nine months, twelve months. Am I still a cutter? When does it stop? When does it all stop? ...Will it ever end? When can I say, "I'm not a cutter" instead of "I've been cut-free for two weeks.".10:18am. Fell asleep listening to the rain, trying to feed again. It's all pointless anyway. Fell asleep trying to hit the Astral Realm last night. I had wanted to have a nicelong chat with Siver 'cuz I felt like I was neglecting her. Had a nice long talk with Sarah though, not going to eat anything today. I want her to make her stronger, then we can talk together and be the best of friends. I need someone like that, I need someone who is there all the time if ever I need them. I thought at first that that's what Silver is for, and I realize that she's here to help guide me, not be my best friend. No, wait. She has the same purpose as Sarah, but the relationship is different somehow. Maybe It's 'cuz Silver is a wolf, but I don't think her form has anything to do with what I feel. Gained four pounds from yesterday. I felt so strong and free yesterday, I've got to get back down to 117.5. It was so wonderful not to have to worry about how far my fat was sticking out, or how ugly I looked, or if people turned away in disgust because I was wearing a halter top. Nothing, I didn't have to worry about my weight (not much anyway) and it really cleared up my head. I miss it so much. I've got to gget back down there again. I've got to get down to 115 by September 1st, no excuses. I will get down there, I will..2:21pm. There's an a-xacto edge sitting in front of me. No matter how hard I push, I don't bleed. Seriously, I don't. So now I'm stuck snapping my wrists with rubber bands until they bruise and making business labels for the boss..7:26pm. Not much to say since I last updated. I 'cuts' I tried to make are already healed up and are now invisible. Although I do have a few oddly shaped bruises and some red marks from the rubber bands. Nice. Went and got my hair done, they took two inches off (eep!) and told me I had damaged hair. Well, fuck. Everyone does. They told me I needed to buy this expensive shampoo & conditioner set or else my hair would start falling out. Fuck it, I have the strongest, thickest hair out of anyone in my entire family. Who cares if I don't have as many nutrients as everyone else? My hair still looks better than their's! So I got the expensive shampoo and conditioner. Whatever. Then dad came, and we walked around for a while. Not a good idea. I'm wearing shoes that shouldn't be worn for more than fifteen minutes, let alone try to run or walk in them for longer! Ugh. Nothing else went with my outfit though. Ohh, the thing a girl does for beauty. Literally, we starve and pluck and wax and shave and diet and study and wear dangorus shoes and attempt to run in them and look great doing all these things. But still, ugh. We went to Chipotle, a Mexican place with food and sweaty forign guys. Orn got a huge taco, dad had part of a taco salad. I had a large (36 oz.) glass of lemon water. Add that to my Diet Mt. Dew from this morning and my total calorie intake is: zero. Nothing. Nadda. Zip. None. Zero. Perfect. Dad doesn't care if I eat or not, Orn seems to though. But it doesn't matter right now. Learned that I have a court ordered visitation with Sheila tomorrow. But thankfully I can only see her if Donna is present. **thank you thank you thank you**. Donna, my youngest aunt, didn't know about this meeting. So now I don't know what's going to happen. I'll still probably have to meet with Sheila, and from what I have heard; she's rounding up all my aunts and cousins. Damn. Sure, I miss my little girls...But still, I dunno anymore. I don't fucking know, and that's the thing that scares me. Not knowing. But I did what I said I would, I didn't eat anything today. I don't plan on eating anything tomorrow. Well, later.

.x.DATE: Saturday, August 27th .x.TIME: 9:10am .x.WEIGHT: 119.0 lbs. .x.CALORIES: 700 .x.FEELING: Strong! .x.QUOTE: ? Down about two pounds from yesterday. Yay. Dad started pressuring me to eat this morning. Told him we'd be back in a few hours for lunch. How am I going to get out of that? Erm. Whatever. I'll get back to work now..12:44pm. Went back to the apartment for "lunch" with dad and Orn. She made eggs and dad made sausage. Ugh. Ithink that I had...um. Maybe about 200 calories? It was the smallest plate I could find,and I only ate as much as I had to. I really hope I'll have time this evening to go for a very long bike ride. Gotta burn off those calories. Damnit. I didn't even WANT to eat, but I had to. I never everwant to eat again. Sarah's still the same as before, still sitting against the wall. She says she could stand upif shewanted to, but she was more comfortable down there. I sat down and talked with her for a little while. Planned on going to visit the Astral Realm again to see Silver, but I fell asleep again. Damn. I should really meditate and feed. Soon. I really need to do that. Should have time tomorrow though. Don't have to work much. Just moving some stuff later in the afternoon. Well, bye for now..5:41pm. Dad took us out to eat at Dairy Queen (ice cream place type thing), so I had to eat. Again. Two chicken strips, fries, and half of a shake aren't enough to make me feel horrible guilty. So, the eggs from this morning plus this equals about 700 calories. Right? 200 from this morning, + 500 from now = 700 calories. Eh. No more food today, restrict tomorrow. Have orientation on Monday, gotta look good for when school starts this Thursday. Ugh. 115 by Thursday. 120 - 5 = 115 lbs. And that's five days to do it. So 1 lb./day. Good. I can handle that.

.x.DATE: Sunday, August 28th .x.TIME: 11:05am .x.WEIGHT: 120.0 pounds .x.CALORIES: None! .x.FEELING: Crappy/sick/ugh .x.QUOTE: "Everyone knows the phenomenon of trying to hold your breath under water....thats what its like to be a vampire and need blood..." - Bat/Nite/Chris, before he went all 'evil' on me Five days, five pounds. Let the fasting begin.

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