.Lughnasadh./.Lammas.
Happy Sabbat everyone! I'm not planning on a big ritual, maybe just something simple like a little meditation (haven't done that for a while) with a few candles and such. Anyway, I wrote like six pages in my paper diary on the way to and from my grandparent's house. I'll get it set up later today. In honor of today (and because it's a good excuse not to eat) I will be fasting all day. No matter what. If I'm hungry I'l throw my swimsuit on and go tanning or something. It's like 94 degrees out so I don't really want to do that 'cuz I'll get sunburnt, but whatever. I must lose this weight by Thursay, even if I'm not needed at the courthouse. Three days to lose at least six pounds. I'll have to starve until Thursday to be able to do that! Ugh. I'll go take a shower and see how much I gained from eating yesterday. Hey, maybe I will do a little ritual and invoke my little Sarah (read Sunday's entry if you're lost). Good idea, huh? Well, later. But isn't this just the coolest layout?.11:30am. The scale Gods say that I'm 119.5 pounds, I didn't believe it so I did it THREE TIMES and I still got the same result. It doesn't make sense, does it? I mean, I was almost 122 yesterday, right?, and now today I'm almost 120. It doesn't seem right. I ate alot yesterday, yet here I am; somehow closer to my goal. I'm going to vacuum and sweep before noon gets here, and then I'll go outside or down to the pool and tan/swim. Whatever, it's a nice day out. And I need a tan. Bye for now!.11:56am Got done with everything I had to do, and I'll take the garbage out when I go down to the pool. Okay, here's the jist with Lammas: (Taken from School of the Seasons; http://schooloftheseasons.com/lammas.html) "Lammas is a festival of regrets and farewells, of harvest and preserves. "

Regrets: Think of the things you meant to do this summer or this year that are not coming to fruition. You can project your regrets onto natural objects like pine cones and throw them into the fire, releasing them.

Farewells: What is passing from your life? What is over? (Being fat...) Say good-bye to it. As with regrets, you can find visual symbols and throw them into the fire, the lake or the ocean. You can also bury them in the ground, perhaps in the form of bulbs which will manifest in a new form in spring.

Harvest: What have you harvested this year? What seeds have your planted that are sprouting? Find a visual way to represent these, perhaps creating a decoration in your house or altar which represents the harvest to you.

Preserves: This is also a good time for making preserves, either literally or symbolically. As you turn the summer's fruit into jams, jellies and chutneys for winter, think about the fruits that you have gathered this year and how you can hold onto them. How can you keep them sweet in the store of your memory?.1:26pm Just got back from the pool, I think I'll go for a walk later too. Kinda bored now...Ohh...What to do?.2:13pm Went for a 30 minute walk and burned 90 calories. Woohoo! I'm finally exercising again, isn't that great? Dad will be back in about an hour, maybe less, and then I'll know if I'm needed at court on Thursday. But this is great, for once I'm in the negative! Negative calories, woho!6:45pm Dad and Orn went to drop off Nat (Orn's roomate). I hate a tiny stab of rice and one piece of pork and only one rasberry. All totaling less than a 100 calories. I want more, it's so good..But no, I'll control myself. I'll be strong. I'll lose weight.

x Date: Monday, August 1st
x Time: 9:56am
x Weight: 119.5 lbs.
x Consumed: Nothing
x Feeling: Good
x Quote: "Feed the soul with the love of the Goddess and let the body starve." - Me (Okay, it's kinda lame, I know. But it keeps me strong, especially today)
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.Lakefront.Days.
Orn's in the shower right now, I'll go in after her. She's taking me to this Lakefront Days thing today, we'll leave the apt. at 2pm, so some stuff at her apt. and get to the lake at about 4pm, set up, and leave at about 8pm. I don't want to go, it's going to be at least 92 degrees (on of hte hottest days of the year) and we wil be in the sun. Ugh. I'm not going to eat anything today, going to try not to anyway, 'cuz I bunged a little bit last night on sticky rice and pork. But it was so good...I just hope I dropped a pound. Or even a half. Anything. I'll update this...I dunno, later. When I actually have something to say..11:37am Still weigh 119.5 pounds, although I gues it's better than gaining. Had a bowl of cereal [200] and some sticky rice with two little pieces of pork [100] so that my total caloric intake is 300 calories for today. I don't think that there will be any more food within my reach today, so that is all I'll have. Bye for now..11:09pm Finally got back from Lakefront Days, I'm so tired. I think I'll fake heat stroke or something and throw up or not eat anything because I've already gained two pounds since this morning. 121.5 lbs. right now. Damn. I better throw up now, otherwise I won't ever do it. Anyway, Orn gave me $20 (which is going right into the bank) for helping me today, and this Friday 'cuz she didn't have any smaller bills. Saturday and Sunday we hit the Art Festival, hopefully make lots of money and meet new people there too. So far I've folded 49 brosures (sp?). Doesn't sound like a lot, but when you sit there for an hour or so it sure is...Anyway, I'm going to go grab the new lilac candle out of the bathroom, light some vanilla insence, and do a little 'invocantation' ritual. Kinda like the Anamadium ritual, only I'm invoking a part of myself. Correct, that would be 'envokantation', sorry. I'll go do that now, and then I'll throw up. Maybe. I hate throwing up, it makes me feel gross, and it tastes horrible. I've always been afraid to do it. I don't think this time will be any different, but I'm going to try to be strong. If I can handle drunk black gangsters than a little puke shouldn't be anything to worry about.
Oh, on the way to the lake I told Orn about going to Belguim in Janurary, and she wants to come with. She said she'd try to talk my dad into it, make it like a little 'family vacation' type thing. They just don't want me to get hurt or anything, they just want me to be safe. I guess it wouldn't hurt too much if they came with...Then they could meet my friends and stuff. This all could work out in the end, 'cuz I don't want to die yet, this could all work out for the best.
x Date: Tuesday, August 2nd
x Time: 10:33am
x Weight: 119.5 pounds
x Consumed: 300 calories
x Feeling: Beyond tired
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.Welcome.Back.Sarah.
Did a ritual envoking Sarah's pressence back into my body, so from now on all thoughts, actions, and words will all be hers and not mine. Until further notice, Cassondra does not exist. Sarah does. Cassondra is simply a name and a conscious part in the back of my mind..2:39pmFasting today, need to make up for her mistakes yesterday. She should have listened to me. But she ate, and she gained two pounds. Shame on her. Now I'm left with the mess, I need to clean up after her mistakes. Court tomorrow, 9am. Orn and I wait in the car while Daniel straightens out all the lies. Wish I could be there, I'd set things right. I'd kill her. We'd all like to kill her, even the 'holy Miss Cassondra' wants her dead. Osala would have a field day with her, it would be really fun. The killing and all, and I'm not usually a violent person to others; only myself. No wonder Cassondra is the way she is, look at all the shit she's had to endure and put up with! I'd crack eventually too, and she's held on for so long...She deserves a little rest. I'll take over, I'll keep everything under control I'll smile when it's expected of me and help out where I can. I'll be perfect for them yet..8:01pmHad only a stick of gum, and I didn't want to either. Daniel said that if I didn't have a breath mint or gum I couldn't go with. I've already brushed my teeth two times, at least. Whatever, it was only like 15 calories. But that's still 15 calories too many. I'm sure I burned it off already, but I feel horrible still for chewing it. Went to Sam's Club (among other places, but that doesn't matter) and loaded up on food. I decided on a box of cereal just to get Daniel and Orn to stop asking me to eat something. Daniel thinks it is because I'm "worried" about tomorrow, to which I plainly told him that the only thing I should "worry" about is me killing Sheila. Yeah, I guess that's enough talk for a while.10:29pm Lapsed back into my former self for a while. It takes so much out of me to surrender my body to Sarah. I ate two bowls of cereal, a begal, and some pork with sticky rice. All totaling at least 700 calories. I tired to trow it up, but I just can't. No matter who I am or what I ate, I never can do it. I feel so huge. During the day it's fine, I can usually avoid food then, but at night it's hard. I can't get away from the food, and I resort back into my former self, back into Cassondra. Try again in the morning. New rule: from 10pm to whenever I wake up Cassondra will rule the thoughts and actions of this fat, ugly shell. During the waking, daylight hours; Sarah will reign supreme.
x Date: Wednesday, August 3rd
x Time: 11:54am
x Weight: 121.5 pounds
x Consumed: Nothing
x Feeling: Different; yet strong.
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.Court.
.3:24pm.Ohh...That was, for the most part, pointless. Didn't even make it into the courtroom, all they did was talk and yell and stare. Thankfully I was in the car with Orn. Had about 12oz. of white chocolate coffee (not too bad, but not really that great either) so that's about 300 calories or so. Went to Wenpen's afterwards and ate lunch: two noodles, a few forkfulls of rice, and half of a porkchop. I guessed about 300 calories. Probably less, but it never hurts to round up. My hair is so blonde it's creepy. Checked my eyes at about 10am and they were light green with a dark green ring and a little tiny bit of yellow bleeding through. Not much else to say, my size 5 pants are tight, and they fit better when I was fatter. Strange, huh? I've been lapsing back and forth between myself and Sarah alot today, it's so hard to keep her form all day. I've decided that I'll only use her if there's food. It's alot easier that way. I sound so shallow don't I? Oh well, evil Witch is going to burn in Hell anyway.
x Date: Thursday, August 4th
x Weight: 121.5 pounds
x Consumed: About 1200 calories
x Feeling: Dissapointed
x Quote:"I miss the days when I went so long I couldn't remember the last time I ate. The world looked so beautiful when it was spinning." - Sarah
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TITLE HERE
.10:41am Binged on three bowls of cereal last night and some pork with sticky rice. Damn. Stepped on the scale, still weigh the same as I have most of this week: 121.5 pounds. I think the scale is lying to me again. It really must be. How can I eat all that crap and still not gain anything? What the fuck? Envoked Sarah again, she'll be with me all throughout the day now. Going to the Lakefront Days thing again, if Orn is feeling better. She gets sick a lot. But whatever. I am not going to eat anything today. Sarah will keep me strong. We will keep each other strong..7:05pm. Lakefront Days again, Orn too sick to go. Had a half of a sandwhich [200], a bag of chips [300], and a crissant (sp?) [200]. So that's about 600-700 calories. Woot. Damn. Fuck. Enough of this. Later people.
x Date: Friday, August 5th
x Weight: 121.5 pounds (again! WTF?)
x Consumed: At least 600 calories
x Feeling: Ditto. I dunno.
x Quote: "Insert interesting quote here."
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.Art.Festival.Day.One.
.11:50am. Had a bowl of cereal in an attempt to stop these night binges. Trying to get my eating at least somewhat "normal". Like that's ever going to happen...? *sigh* Whatever, dad and Orn should be back soon and then we will go to the Art Festival and hand out Thai Yoga Message things and bake in the sun and heat. I want funnel cake. Shut up..12:20pm Ahh! How the FUCK can I be up TWO FUCKING POUNDS from eating a SIMPLE FUCKING BOWL OF CEREAL!!!!! Ahh!!! Damn it all the Hell! Sarah! Get your little white ass over here!.12:25pm. Alright, I'm back. And I'm here to stay, at least for a few hours. Until tonight, when she regains her skin without so much as a "Thank you, Sarah for all your hard work" or "Hey, thanks so much for keeping my stomach empty all day, I would have never had that kind of control without you!" No. Nothing. She just expects me to do this. Expects me to keep her from getting any fatter. One day I'll be strong enough and I won't LET her have her skin back, I'll be the strong one and together we can watch the numbers on the scale drop while SHE'S the one screaming in the back of my head. I'll be the perfect little girl that everyone wants, and she'll slip away slowly, a little more of their 'precious Cassondra' will fall away every day until there's nothing left. Nothing but skin and bone. Nothing but perfection.
It's simple: I won't eat unless I absolutely have to, by order of either Daniel or Orn. I know that tonight I will have to eat at least one hot dog and some baked beans, but that's it. Nothing at the Art Fair today. Not even funnel cake. I will keep my caloric limit to 500 or below. Everyday. That means Sundays too. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a small funnel cake, but then I can't have anything else. I'll figure this all out. Somehow, I will be 120 again by Monday. That way I will have all week to drop those five pounds that have been so hard to get rid of. And then I'll be at 115. And I'll have another week to drop those five pounds. And I'll be at 110, my goal, although somehow I don't think it wil satisfy me. I'll be 110 for school. I will, no matter what, I will walk into that building on that dreaded first day of school and I will tip the scales at 110. No matter what..5:41pm.Art Fair was BORING AS HELL. People walked so GODDAMNED slow. Got a nice skirt though, only $25. And a fake leather cuff for $12-something. Loving the skirt though, it's purple tie-dye. Kinda long, but a few safety pins will fiz that. Daniel got mini donuts (I had three = 130? calories), don't really know why. I guess they expected me to, or I lapsed back into Cassondra for a while maybe. Strange how I don't even feel the slightest bit guilty for eating them. Also had a little sip of lemonade, but that doesn't really have calories in it. There were so many thin girls there, but there were also a TON of old fat shits too. Meh, whatever. Daniel is down starting up the grill for hot dogs and beans for me, pork steak and corn for them. They're celebrating their one month anniversary, I think. So, semi-total for today: (cereal [200] + mini donuts [125] + lemonade [5]) = 330 calories + hot dog [110] + beans [100] = 540 calories. Damn. All ready over and I haven't really eaten much. Well; I could go Google search the caloriec value of the mini donuts just to make sure my calculations are correct....7:26pm.Add orange to that and I get...650 calories. Eep. Wonder how much I'll weigh tomorrow...
x Date: Saturday, Auguast 6th
x Weight: 121.5 pounds (WTF??!!)
x Consumed: 550
x Feeling: Disappointed yet again
x Quote: "...who has the Power to make us suffer and like it." - Sign outside a dentist place (no shit)
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.Insomnia.
.3:21am.Yeah, I'm still up this early. I was reading what Sarah wrote and I realized that I don't even remember it. School should start soon. Very soon. Too soon. So; new plan. Envoke Sarah in the morning, after I weigh and dress myself to avoid major depression, fast all day (like I would in school, this is my training period). Eat ONLY between 4pm and 8pm, and with a limit of 900 calories. That number will drop 100 calories every week for the next four weeks until my limit is 500 calories and I am thin. Sundays are going to be a kinda 'reward' day with a limit of 1,500 calories. And I'm actually thanking Sarah, I don't want her to hate me. I need her..11:26am. I slept kinda late today, but that's okay. Dad's making waffles and sausage for brunch. I'll be able to avoid the waffles 'cuz I don't really like them that much, but I'll probably have to eat about half of one and at least one sausage. So that's...What? How many calories is that? I honestly have no idea. I'll go look that up....11:31am. Okay, half of a waffle with butter and syrup is about 100 calories, maybe a little less. The Jimmy Dean sausage would be about 50 calories. So, semi-total of today is 150 calories. I don't want to eat 'cuz I still need to drop another 1.5 pounds by tomorrow. That way I can start out at an even 120 lbs. Alright, after I eat I'll envoke Sarah, she'll hopefully help keep me strong today. Well; bye..4:47pm.Had some yummy sticky rice with some even yummier (that's a word) swwt chicken. Mm. So, about 200 calories? 300 calories maybe? So...500 calories total? Good. No more food and I'll be good..8pm.Had a little popcorn. Not much though. Gods; I'm so stressed. I need money. I need, I dunno. I need a hug.
x Date: Sunday, August 7th
x Weight: 121.5 pounds
x Consumed: 500
x Feeling: Hungry
x Quote: ?
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