Ahem. Anyway, it's tuesday and I'm fasting. I'm making hot ham and cheese for supper, so I know dad will make me eat one of them. That's only...um..(2 slices of bread=220, + cheese=140, + ham=80, + butter=50?)=490 calories. Good. Under 500. Good. So far I've had a nibble of ham (99% went to the cats) and some diet Pepsi with lime which mostly went down the sink (I've never liked Pepsi, and it was kinda flat too). I'm going swimming soon, so I'll burn off some calories.

Ohh. About last night (with BJ)...Yeah, it wasn't really all that terrible. I think I actually enjoyed myself, but just a little bit. Anyway, he had a little trouble finding the place (who doesn't? it's tucked away in a little unknown corner and known only to those who've been here before!). He just turned 19, but I told me dad he just turned 18 so that he wouldn't be killed...Dad's very protective of me. So, BJ and I went down to the pool (I was very surprized that dad let me go 'unsupervized'. But whatever. We played beach volleyball for a while (an hour and a half) and then just kind floted around for another half hour until the building owner told us the pool was closed. He kept staring at my boobs and throwing the ball out of the pool so he could watch my ass. Creepy, true. But in some semi-perverted way I liked it. I think. He didn't say anything about my weight. He didn't even think anything about my weight (if he did I would have picked it out of his thoughts). My bikini top kept coming untied (which I think he enjoyed too much). Yeah, dad made him leave at about 9pm so that he could go for a bike ride. But I'm so surprized that he didn't comment on my weight. Or even think about it! But he was staring at my boobs and my ass the entire time so he might now have noticed. Whatever. I don't like being stared at, but then again I kinda do. It's really confusing. I think I should get a shirt made that says "Look but don't touch!". He didn't say anything about how I looked. Mostly I get, "You're hot" or "you're pretty" or "lookin' good!". But I didn't get anything from him.

Shit. I need to stop beating myself up for all of this. I tend to over-think things WAY too much. I'm going to go get some sunblock on and go tan. It's kinda strange though, you know? The more I'm out in the sun the less I burn. And the more tan I get and the more I'm out in the world of sunshine and humans, the less vampiric I get. I can't remember the last time I fed. I feel like I'm not a Vampyre anymore, but I still know I am. It's really strange, how human I've become. I haven't meditated since...I'm not even sure anymore. My thoughts have become consumed with weight and food and thin. Thoughts of knowledge and magic and vampirism seem forign now. Is this normal? I mean as normal as I get? Can the Vampyre in me just...subside...and disappear for a while only to resurface later in full force, maybe even stronger. Then what will happen? Will I 'vamp-out' in the middle of history class again and do something unthinkable? Do something like Kyle did? No..I couldn't. It's impossible. Right? I hope it is. I hope I have enough control. I don't want to die, not yet. I still have thirteen years left to live! This can't be happening. Why is it that one part of my life, my being, is always fucked up? Why can't things just fall into place? Why can't everything coincide and just...work out...? I'm always worried about something bad happening (like vamping out and attacking someone, or losing control of my powers because I'm angry or scared and killing someone or hurting them, or losing control, or...just forgetting who/what I am and letting everything fall apart into little pieces of shattered glass that I'll try to pick up with bloodly hands and slashed wrists). There's too many parts of me to fuck up - the Vampyre, the Witch, the Human, the Anorexic - and it's all so difficult to fit into one body, one shell; and I'm so afraid that one day it will all be too much and all the evil and rage and pain and hurt and power and control that I thought I had will all leak out or implode and then what will I do? I've been holding on for so long and it's getting harder to keep these different parts of me straight because they all blend together and it's so hard...So hard...And I'm tired of fighting. Tired of fighting others and tired of fighting myself. I want to give up, but I know the Witch and the little Anorexic in me won't let me give up and fall apart. Gods; it's just so fucked up. I'm just so fucked up. Everything's just so fucked up that I can't keep it all straight anymore. I'm slipping, I'm falling. And this time, I can't save myself. This time there's no one left to save me.