I'll update this when I get back.

Aye, 'tis later (I've always wanted to say that heehee). Okay, so I had a bowl of cereal [200] before I left. We walked around and looked at stuff when we got there, and my nose found the funnel cake stand (I love funnel cakes, I always have to get one or a carmel apple when I go there) so I got one (it was $5!) and dad got a cherry lemonade (another $5). How many calories is that? I'm guessing 300 for the funnel cake and about maybe 100 for the lemonade. So what's my total up to now? 650 calories so far, right?

I still need to go out and do my two mile minimum today, but it's so hot out (85°F; 29°C).

I'll update this more later, I have a new workout/diet plan in mind, but I'm so tired right now and I'm going to go take a nap in front of the fan.

Okay, here's my new diet plan:

-Fast until supper; and consume under 900 calories (100 less then last week).

OR

-Consume only a protien shake [about 300 calories] (and my two vitamins) and do at least two miles, fast the rest of the day.

I think I'm going to try for the 'protien shake only' routine thing. I like it alot better. Yeah, that sounds good, but if I can't do that, then I'll resort to the other one. Okay, bye for now.

Going to the fireworks tonight at about 8:30pm or so. Dad and I are going to bike ride up there (it's about 2.5 miles or so each way) so I'm not going to exercise until then. Right, later...

Had some pizza when we got back [400] (which was at 11pm by the way). I'll describe more later, most likely tomorrow after my hang over goes away, about tonight. Bye for now people.

Oh, yeah. and I did like 4 miles so I burned some of this off...But more on that tomorrow...Maybe...

Got to the park, threw my bike next to my dad's, sat down for about 20 minutes until I saw some people that looked interesting (okay, Goth-ish, kinda, but I'll get to that later) so I walked up and started talking. Yes, I did, I'm not afraid to start a conversation with someone I don't know. Yay for me. But anyway, we sat around and talked for a while (Erm, Nite showed up then and hung out) and then this one chick and some other people (sorry, I can't remember names very well) wanted to go to Taco Bell for some food and so about 5 people left (3 chicks, 2 guys, including Nite). That only left 4 people (including me) so we walked around for a while...set off a smoke bomb on John's hoodie (yes, I remember his name; but only because he's as fucked up as I am)...smoked (but I didn't 'cuz my dad was watching me)...Yeah. I got attacked by this guy named...Danny? I can't remember. And more people kept showing up and it was kinda nice 'cuz I was around people who had gotten arrested as much as I had (well; some of them) and did mostly the same stuff I did (not the cutty-anorexic part though, I mean like the killing-setting-setting-random-people-and-objects-on-fire type of thing). This one girl (dunno her name) showed up with some guy (I swear, spitting image of gay people here, she even told me she was actually a mexican, AND a guy! *giggle* and then she gave me her pop). Yeah, and um..PJ? JP? Some guy with initials? Yeah, well, he came up and put his arm around me (didn't know him, I guess he thought I was hot, meh) and the guys and I sat around in a little circle and stuff (the chicks weren't around 'cuz...they just weren't. Only that gay-looking-but-not-gay chick was there, but she was off a few feet with the gay-looking-but-not-gay-guy and some other guy I don't know). John said he wished his girlfriend dressed more like me (Which I thought was sweet, 'cuz I really DID look hot) and I gave PJ/JP my number and left 'cuz my dad wanted me to watch the fireworks with him. Only then did I remember Nite, and it made me almost cry and I lay in the grass watching the bright explosions.

It made me realize, when JP put his arm around me, how much I miss human contact. I was surprized that I didn't flinch or pul away when he did it. But I noticed that he had on an ankh (I did too) so maybe that's why. I didn't get the chance to ask him about it, but if he calls I'm going to invite him to a movie (there's a free showing of The Island on tuesday, free is good heehee). I dunno, it just made me realize how empty my heart really is, and how much I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be alright, even though I know it won't. Nite wasn't even there with me, how sad is that? I'm not even sure why I'm his girlfriend sometimes, we don't really go out anywhere and...he only comes to see me if he wants blood or sex (usually both). Is that all I am? Just a fucked up piece of shit that's only good for two things? He's all I have to love (my cats too, but that doesn't count, nor does my brother or dad). He doesn't even talk to me anymore! It's killing me inside, I'm killing me inside. Fuck, I'm not making any sense anymore. I guess it just really made me realize how alone I really am, how I'm just this pretty little shell with the not-so-pretty inside. Gods; I'm so screwed up...

Had a bowl of cereal [150] and a beef stick [100]. Worked out with the weight bench for a little bit, I can't even bench press 75 lbs. anymore, that's sad. Anyway, I'm going to take a shower soon and then I'll weigh myself. I'm going to do at least 4 miles today, I just have to. I'll update this later. Bye for now.

Went 6 miles in 30 minutes with speeds between 12.2 - 13.7 MPH.

Dad made pancakes and eggs and bacon for supper. I have no idea how many calories that is, but fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, I'm afraid to step on the scale tomorrow. I want to cry but I know I can't, I have too much control to do that (but not enough to stop eating)...

I woke up and put my feet on the floor, I didn't feel dizzy so that was good (but I'd eaten like a fat cow so I knew I wouldn't be). But what really creeped me out was the pounding in my ears. My heartbeat. It was so loud and so strong that I could just stand there for a few moments feeling it. I have music playing now, but can still feel the blood pumping through my viens with my heartbeat. It usually only feels like this when I'm in a deep meditative state, feeding, or afraid. I woke up feeling strong, not afraid, so maybe I was feeding without knowing it...? 'Cuz I honestly can't remember the last time I fed, I haven't felt the need to. But then again, I completely ignore my physical hunger, why wouldn't I ignore my other hunger or maybe mistake it for physical hunger. I dunno, I don't remember DreamWalking either...I had made up my mind at 8am this morning that I was going to fast today and tomorrow (which I doubt I'll actually do, but I'm going to try none the less) to make up for the past two days of stuffing my face. Maybe that triggered some vampiric responce in my body causeing me to feed. I'm not really sure, it'd be kkinda nice if I could just ask my body what the fuck it's doing sometimes, but I can't really do that now can I...

Oh. remember that guy I was talking about yesterday? PJ/JP? He called last night, and his name is actually BJ (Blow Job, heehee). He's going to meet me at the movie theatre tomorrow (which is Thursday) night at 7pm. There's like this big promo thing, I have tickets to go see The Island for free before it even comes out. Isn't that cool? I keep telling myself it's not a date, I don't even know how old he is! I think he's in high school still, I think he mentioned something like that, but I can't remember. I can never remember anything that I need to. I'm so excited, human contact, you know? But it's not a date; no. Dad will bring Ohn (a Thai chick he's dating, kinda) and BJ will most likely have some other friends with. I think 90% of the St. Louis Park teenage population with be there, so it's not a date. It's not a date, it's not a date. I think I just realized that I'm fasting for two reasons:

-I want to make up for stuffing my face like a fat cow, true.

-I also want to be thinner when I see BJ.

Made chocolate chip cookies, and who doesn't love hot, fresh-out-of-the-oven, homemade cookies? I for one do. So I had a cookie [125] and a little milk [75] = 200 calories. I'm going to have to burn that off later.

Oh crap, I weigh 124.5 lbs. But somehow, that doesn't make me depressed or even make me want to cry. I'm okay with the little gain, it's like nothing can bring my mood down today.

I'm really begining to think that, yeah, I did feed this morning without knowing it. Maybe that's why I'm so..what's the word? Not happy, nor hyper...energetic? Yeah, I think that's what I am now. Energetic. Hm.

Went a little over 7 miles in a little over 35 minutes with an average speed of about 12.3 MPH (remember, this is for edurance, NOT speed!). I've decided that I'm going more for time now rather than distance, so I'm going to increase the time by 5 minutes everyday. Yesterday was 30minutes; today 35; tomorrow 40 minutes. I've found that it usually increases by a mile too so that's nice. Now, if I don't eat anything else today I'll be good. If not, I can go swim it off. I hope dad doesn't make me eat anything else today. I'm hot and tired (and a tiny bit dizzy, hungry too...but that I can deal with) so I think I'll go finish up dishes and maybe go for a swim later. Bye for now!

Made a pizza, planned on only haing half of it. Ate the whole thing [800]. I guess I haven't come far enough because I had a cookie. Yes, another one. Shut up. So that's what? 900 calories. Shit. Another day down the drain.

Dad said we might not go to the movies tomorrow because he has a meeting with the lawyer (he's been trying to get a meeting for two weeks) so I don't think he'll get back in time to go. Damn. I really wanted to see BJ too.

Do you know what sucks? Losing 10 pounds in two weeks and then gaining nearly half of it back in three days. I finally got myself into my size 5 jeans (been a while), and now; they're really tight and I have rolls of fat pouring over (okay, I don't, but I'm going to convince myself that I do). Fuck, what happened to my self-control? I want to cut really badly, it's draining my last ounce of control not to slice open my pretty little viens again. Maybe that's why I'm eating, it's taking all my control not to cut. But then again, if I hadn't eaten, I wouldn't want to cut. It's a vicous cycle...

Damn. This has turned into a really long entry. Congrats on reading this far. *hands you a cookie*

Fell asleep on the sofa again. Baby Girl came and layed on my back and purred. I love when she does that. Dad won't be back until late, I don't want to eat but I'm not really sure what to do. I think I'll go update my 'Diet' rules now.

Sorry, I had ment to update this earlier but I was playing Diablo II for 6 hours and got a little distracted...Anyway, went 4 miles in 20 minutes. Burned 130 calories. I'm going to run/job/walk the other 20 minutes after dad leaves in a half-hour. He has an 'adult party' to go to. Yeah...But I've got stuff to type up for the lawyer so I shouldn't be too bored. Need to burn of these calories though. That's all I can remember, bye for now.

Dad made me eat a hot dog [200] and a cookie [125]. I'm too sore and lazy and just don't wanna go run. I know it's only 20 minutes, but still. I'll have to do it tomorrow...Good night.

It's kinda strange though, you know? I'm not even hungry. Sure my stomach is in knots, but that's what happens when I don't eat. I don't even feel like exercing. It's kinda odd, I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. I don't want to ride bike...I think I've died. I should go weigh myself, but I don't feel like destroying my good mood by doing that 'cuz I think I've gained. No; I KNOW I've gained. I think. Okay, I need to stop thinking now before I hurt myself (never dye your hair blond! it's goes right to your roots which then go to the brain!) It makes you dummer; really.

I think I'll go play Diablo II for a few hours (I'm already level 12, in case anyone cares. But I'm level 22 on the non-battle.net version). All I need to do is dishes and the litter box. Dad will be back in about 4 hours.

Ohn is here (she's Thai so it's said like 'on') and her and my dad are watching Riddick (movie, very good). Just finshed supper; had cheesey pasta [250] and a bite of meat [25?]. Backtrack: had cereal [200] and a begal [250] and a carmel apple [250] for breakfast. Yes, all that in one sitting. Damn. Also had a popsicle for lunch [40]. That therefore makes my total out to be..um...alot. Went swimming, got a bit burnt, so I burned off some but I'm not sure how many. I'm hot and I'm tired, I think I'll go drink some water. Or throw up. Who knows? Maybe I'll go play more Diablo II. Shit, I'm so fucking addicted to that game. I need to stop eating and stop playing that damn game. Ohhh....I got to the special secret cow level. That was fun. I died seven times though. But it was really funny, 'cuz there was like ten of them to me and then kept saying 'moo' and I was laughing so hard I could consentrate and attack the cows so I died. But whatever. It was worth it, until some jerk took my money...But I'm still okay with all that. Later peoples.

I have officially placed myself on the 'drink-'till-you're-too-tired-to-piss' diet. It envolves drinking and eating fruit, and nothing else. I wonder if that includes strawberry shakes too...Well; I guess ONE wouldn't hurt. I need to get down to 120 by the 15th. Five days. That means NO FOOD all week. That's going to be hard, but I can do it. I know I can. Okay, enough for now.