The original interface designer's spec for a Login panel called for a small animated 3D man with a friendly mustache. The friendly man would walk up to you (on the screen) and present you with a giant bar full of buttons, all of which were dancing around, animated, all different colours. Then the man would sing a request to you, in a jaunty tune, asking if you could please identify yourself. You did this by waving the mouse cursor in circles around the one you wanted until it understood. Then the little man ate a sandwich and disappeared.
hitler_vs_truman---battlerap.mp3
It is interesting that when the Library of Congress uses the word 'protected' in regards to a sound recording they mean exactly the opposite of what the RIAA means when they use the same word.
I like the Library of Congress' meaning better.
It looks like something from Disney's worst nightmares.
Just then, Neville caused a slight diversion by turning into a large canary.
Just because I don't see a need for it doesn't mean that sexy chicks can't sell it to horny guys.
Smokers are our nation's greatest citizens. Not only do they generate billions of dollars in state and local taxes with their tobacco purchases, they save the federal government still more billions by "removing" themselves from the Social Security System, on average, a decade or so earlier than other, less civic-minded Americans.
polygon: Dead parrot.
Oh yeah, and bribes. Lots of bribes.
We flushed the gator down the toilet but it got stuck half way. Now we have to feed it.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
This is true, but I changed some of the facts.
I thought friend sounded better then 'faceless Internet name that could be charlie manson online or a nun in a convent somewhere'.
Avoid the KABOOM failure mode.
Are you saying the theory doesn't hold water? That it's a tempest in a teapot? I could certainly see getting all steamed up about that. Might have to jet-tison the whole project. Then they'd really be in hot water. On the other hand, if it does work, it would be a real watershed event. Certainly more than just water under the bridge, anyway. Well, maybe they'll just have to set this whole steam thing on the back burner for now -- after all, a watched pot never boils.
By the way, I am prepared to consider that I have dropped though a hole in the space-time fabric into a parallel universe with differing number theory (I have been playing with chroniton particles and theta-band radiation today)
The resort has an amazing 7500 beds, which all adds up to a lot of visitors making a lot of human waste. Converting this into snow seemed a logical step.
Help, help! My Bonzi Buddy is eating my Gator, and my Comet Cursor is header for a direct impact with Xupiter!!!
This post was brought to you by the number i.
I told him to place me on his "do not mug" list, but he didn't seem interested.
What if there were no rhetorical questions?
At times like these, it helps to remember that there have always been times like these.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Please pick your favorite painful dental procedure.
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
I guess Gollum was a Unix sysadmin back in the day. Which would explain why he's a shrunken, miserable little creature who hates sunlight.
I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 quality assurance team to mortal combat. They will not concern us again.
Norway lawmaker plays PDA game during war debate!
Grief and misery fill the air;
People dying everywhere;
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
Now that you're the age you are,
your demise cannot be far.
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
May the candles on your cake
burn like cities in their wake.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
5) I wanted to put in a five.
There are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and the Internet is NOTHING like Shakespeare...
Truly amazing, but when are you going to start using your powers for good instead of evil?
The problem is, do you really want them shooting themselves in the foot while they are busy stomping on you?
Performances purveyors Pearl Jam, Phish, P.E., and players like Prince, possess perspicacity, preventing pandering to profiteers, preferring portraying poetry prolifically. Presently, performers procure popularity from performances; pessimistic pilferers perish.
You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
What's the strangest thing you've ever lit on fire?
How can you not like butterscotch? HERETIC! Burn the HERETIC!
Carson Daly is neither a man nor a woman. Carson Daly, is, in fact, already a simulacrum. This whole thing is a smokescreen.
The original Carson Daly, like most TV hosts nowadays, was a vacuum-molded plastic talking head with interchangeable parts (the molding process isn't perfect, so some vacuum always remains within). You've seen early versions of this technology sold as "Mr. Potato Head". Strictly speaking this incarnation didn't talk, but could be synced to an audio track. The interchangeable parts are especially useful, allowing facial features to be gradually changed and teeth to whiten, etc, as fashion dictates while still preserving the all-important familiarity factor.
Work was done on transitioning to a fully digital TV host starting in the early nineties. Trivia - parts of the movie "Toy Story" actually stemmed from this work (the digitally rendered Mr. Potato Head is an obvious example). These early efforts were extremely non-realtime, however, and unsuited even for the glazed perceptions of seasoned TV viewers.
Now these "people" are thought to be ready for primetime. They're still not completely realistic, which is why the initial rollout will be on networks like MTV where the viewing audience is especially numb and used to very rapid edits, constant lip-syncing, and other concealments of ineptitude. But soon you won't be able to find a real live TV host on either coast of the US. This isn't expected to actually effect the parties in any way.
I want to hug them all until their lungs collapse and their eyes start bleeding!!!
Putting the romance back in necromancer.
'VCR is [to the movie industry]...as the Boston strangler is to the woman home alone.'
Jack Valenti
'I wasn't opposed to the VCR.'
Jack Valenti
Therefore, he wasn't opposed to the Boston Strangler. QED.
'What is fair use? Fair use is not a law. There's nothing in law.'
Jack Valenti
Notwithstanding the provisions of sections 106 and 106A, the fair use of a copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright.
Title 17, Chapter 1, Sec. 107 of the US Code
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Tonight, we'll interview a man who's had the hiccups for 27 years!
*cut to clip from interview*
*hic* Kill me. *hic* Kill me. *hic* Kill me. *hic* Kill me.
Suddenly there was a sound like an accordion being thrown against a wall made out of cooked spaghetti.
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. However, your heart is pure evil, your mind is clear of any conscience, and your soul is devoted to the suffering of others.
there's ten thousand crappy ideas inside of you, so you might as well start flushing them out.
Okay, then. Let's get everybody forming into single-file lines; you'll receive your pitchforks on the left, torches on the right. Please, no shoving, there will be plenty for everyone.
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it sure is fun trying.
Make sure that every method does a little bit more (or less) than its name suggests. As a simple example, a method named isValid(x) should as a side effect convert x to binary and store the result in a database.
No trees were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
I offer to give you a free beer, if you refuse the terms of this offer.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain
Advice to eat 20 doughnuts a day found to be dicey in long run.
This joke left as an exercise for the reader.
Guess what'll really be in the tuna surprise this week?
Shanghai Aims For World's Tallest Building. . .
With world's longest slingshot.
World's slowest bowling match! Next four weeks!
I want my tombstone to read:
"If you can read this, it's not too late."
Find the error in this argument:
In comparison with other countries, the violent crime rate in the United States speaks volumes: one person is murdered in Britain every five days; forty-two people are murdered in the US every day. The reason for this? Less than 2% of the British population have guns compared to 48% in the United States.
I am not Russian spy; I am as American as apple cake. Tell me secrets and I will pay you many Rrrrrrrubles.
Making a tombstone is not the place for spelling errors.
Tombstones of Star Trek:
Kirk: "You're dead, Jim."
Worf: "Yesterday was a good day to die."
Neelix: "We'll never forget your final words: Please don't kill me."
Chekov: "I have shed my earthly wessel."
It's a simple fact folks, we owe a lot to Microsoft...
About $20 billion according to their piracy figures.
Press any key to begin IQ test. If you don't know which key is the 'any key, it's the large one on the front of your computer labeled 'reset'
"Make it past the car in front and you'll be the leader"
I started with nothing and I still have most of it left.
How to get a date: You know the scientist guy on 'The Simpsons' that sounds like Jerry Lewis? Watch him carefully, and do the exact opposite.
Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck Hagel once ran and is still a major stockholder in the company that owns the company that counted 85 percent of the votes cast in his very own 2002 and 1996 election races. His 1996 victory, some will recall, was considered one of the biggest upsets of that election; he was the first Republican in 24 years to win a Nebraska senatorial campaign.
You open the box and find a set of documents showing the historical evidence of a mad scientist's attempt to take over the world with large mutant rats and dogs. He was finally defeated in an attack on his pink castle on the Matterhorn. Atop the documents is a handwritten note: "Lieutenant Disney reports that all attempts to erase this from public consciousness have executed imperfectly. He has a plan, however, to dull the effect of the images of the war AND provide a long-term funding source for the organization."
You open the box and find a complete library of the classics of Orcish literature. Surprisingly, it is quite large, and contains works that rival the greatest poets, playwrights, novelists, and philosophers of history. Reading the entire library will reveal that orcs have a complex philosophy regarding war, and write romances of such great passion and purity that elves look shallow in comparison. Several non-fiction texts indicate that orcs possess great artistic skill, advanced diplomacy, well-developed and reasonable religion, and high levels of technical development. All the books are stamped "SUPPRESS AND TERMINATE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE," in both Gothic letters and Elvish runes, in red.
You find a copy of your hometown paper. The date is tomorrow. The lead story is about the copy of today's paper that was found yesterday. It states that the lead story in that paper was that a copy of yesterday's paper was found the day before yesterday; the lead story in that paper was...
Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90)
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. And now you know why.
More fun than you can legally have.
If you see me and several of my militia friends dressed as ninjas and sneaking into your house at night to save you, don't worry.
I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!
Tech support: Type the user name and password in the appropriate blanks. Make sure password is case-sensitive.
User: I thought it was qwExEjv?
My own fantasy of a personal submarine comes from the Nautilus in 20000 Leagues Under the Sea. The most important feature: a glassed in drawing room, furnished with overstuffed chairs and oriental rugs, from which I can survey the unfolding panorama of the sea as I smoke seaweed cigars and sup on lobster tails whilst I plot my revenge on humanity.
Ooh! I've always wanted one of those. Just not pointed at me.
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
(Please note that the above is not the opinion of management and is a piece written by the author with his tounge planted a bit in his cheek as an illustrative example of the essential problem in a reductio absurdum sort of way and vaguely following somewhat unclear tenets of the Socratic Method. It has come to our attention that the Socratic Method may be prohibited by law in Athens, so we advise our Athenian compatriots to don their helms of wisdom and avoid reading the above lest they fall into corruption and dissolution. Hail Athena! Sparta must die! Oh, sorry, got carried away a bit there.)
Too bad they couldn't forsee their imienent doom.
Think Green... Burn only 100% recycled dinosaurs in your car.
Coding team of the future:
13 lawyers (8 of 'em specialists in patent and copyright law)
27 managers
63 marketing analysts
9 outsourcing contracts, paid in advance
1 programmer (optional)
(No, I *didn't* forget the testing and QA guys.)
You are flattened into an unpleasant jellylike substance.
How weird, a blessed desecrator...
The structure of reality cannot permit such a thing....
He who hesitates is last.
Follow someone who looks like he knows where he's going.. You may not end up where you want to be, but chances are you'll find your way somewhere interesting.
'Oh, come now, stop delaying the inevitable.' says Death.
What with 'spellcheck as you type' and all, we've been able to reduce our monkey count to 750,000!
I think you may have mistaken me for my dead clone.
Laws that apply to everyone but you are very handy.
Microsoft's "innovations":
BASIC: around before, merely ported.
DOS: bought from Seattle Computer Products.
GUI: copied from Apple.
Word, Excel, Access: all had existed before.
Internet Explorer: bought from Spyglass.
All this time I thought you were just a normal giant thumb like everyone else.
if you fool most of the people all the time, the remainder are considered fringe conspiracists by the mainstream.
Think of it as a giant yo-yo of death.
Preserve wildlife, pickle a squirrel today!
We've come so far ahead in technology that we now have Recordable Read Only Memory!
It is impossible to live in the United States without being a criminal.
Me, I'm secretly hoping for a crossover spinoff from Buffy and Enterprise, where a new slayer named Gargravarr rises up in The Fray's post-slayer universe, and travels by starship from world to world to (and this part's key) alphabetically insult, and then slay, every demon in the known universe.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.--A. Whitney Brown
The Department of Justice and federal law enforcement will continue to investigate and prosecute individuals and groups that violate the federal criminal copyright laws at home and abroad.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.
Vegetarian: Indian name for bad hunter
It'd be scarier if this was coming out of a toilet in a haunted battleship.
What? Tear-Gas grenades aren't common in your household? What's wrong with you?
Machine Gun fire: It has a beat, and you can make people dance to it.
If you've read this far you'll find it's not really an analogy, but I wanted to write a little story featuring a wicker shop.
Also, it's got really cool blinking lights.
There's a reason why ink cartridges cost so much. Quality ink is always made from the finest rare Cognac. Since Cognac can cost almost $1000 for a 1 liter bottle, and an inkjet cartridge contains about an ounce of ink, you're actually getting about $30 of cognac, and there's very little markup involved.
If utility is measured is measured in utiles, shouldn't reputation be measured in reptiles?
But by all means, if someone wants to develop a huge expensive system that "guarantees" uncopyable email, be my guest. It'll be good for laughs.
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is shall never borrow my kitchen appliances - Gandalf
Elitist? What are you talking about? The people here are far too superior to everyone else to possibly be elitist.
One man's snow flake is another man's glass ninja throwing star.
ERROR: Could not find exit.dll, real world deleted.
Okay, so here's the story of the floppy of Impending Doom.
Second, and most importantly, the size of the file is dependent on the number of bytes within the file.
|shoot blaster
You toss the blaster into the air and blast it into smithereensy weensy bits.
|shoot me
You don't have a working blaster
"Pardon me while I burst into flame."
What would you do if someone asked you a rhetorical question?
Definite article adjective, adjective noun verb preposition definite article adjective noun. Noun verb definite article noun preposition adjective, adjective noun preposition verb preposition definite article noun preposition adjective noun.
--Proper Noun
Information Superhighway Official Roadkill
System analysis is the process of finding exactly the right wrench to pound in the required screw.
Teacher, my homework ate my dog.
Your life is worth four rats, one woodpecker, and an earthworm.
I, for one, feel that he deserves the Crazy Eddie title. He's worked for it, he's done good works, and, frankly, he's crazy as a loon.
I've cut this bar three times, and it's STILL too short.
Did Roman police speak pig Latin?
You can only go on one suicide mission.
The rest are just dangerous.
However, at about one hour and three minutes into the experiment, the monkey bouncing did manage to type out a perverse little two-page play about an orangutan. It was written in the style of Shakespeare, except he never used the word "the."
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, for a clown with an AK-47 approacheth, and he don't look none too happy.
Honey, you're tracking stuff through the kitchen. Looks like your boots are covered with instant coffee again.
The good news is that they haven't opened fire yet.
We don't have backgrounds, we have cleverly consistant alibis.
By the way, if the monkeys in the zoo build an unstable singularity and level a continent, are they still monkeys?
What does it mean when you see one infinite monkey?
This years least viable advertising campaign:
contents of this space brought to you by overworked third-world sweatshop crackweasels.
This sauce is like spreadable pain.
It's not fair the way you keep retaliating against my unprovoked attacks.
Yea, verily, he smote about him mightily with his fish!
That guy is about eighteen cans short of a six-pack.
The Cannibals Anonymous meeting goes quiet for a moment, then the sound of cutlery being sharpened can clearly be heard. Knux belatedly realizes once and for all that he really ought to keep his mouth shut sometimes.
I mean, the sun's only got about 5 billion good years left. Now, if only they were all consecutive, we'd be in paradise.
Murphy demands a sacrifice!
Today he was blasting bad techno and something I can only describe as goth polka.
He respects subtilty. You just have to use a lot of it at once.
"Here, kid... the first thousand hours are free..."
We still haven't got all the stains off the walls since the last incident..
Mostly because we still haven't found where all of the walls landed.
Don't worry, the area will be inhabitable within ten thousand years, or so my scientists tell me.
Just because you're being dragged to your doom by evil tentacles, there's no call for that kind of language!
That would require you to fill out form 2401(a) in triplicate in that line over there, talk to that nice lady three lines over, who will give you form 6917(d) in exchange for your copy of 2401(a). At this point you either have the choice to going into the express line to your immediate left, which is really impossible unless you're A) You've filled out form 6439(g), or B) The sultan of tibet, which you cannot be because there is no sultan of tibet. So lets forget that line.
Fill out form 6439(g), and step into the line 4 rows down from where we're standing now. WHen you make it through that line, Laurine- "HEY LAURINE, HOW YOU DOIN GIRL?" - yeah, Laurine will give you form 5254(v). Now make sure when filling out that one, cause it's kinda tricky. You just gotta remember to zig when you think when you're supposed to zag, and you'll come out fine. Ok, then you take that form down stairs, go down the hallway to your right. Take the elevator down to sub basement B. Keep going left until you come to a large blue steel door. Knock on it three times, no more, and no less. Behind it there will be a large man with no thumbs who will speak with a distinct lisp who will ask you for a password. The password is *mumbles out something completely unintelligable*. Now make sure to remember that, cuz if you don't, he'll just have to rampage, which will be generally unplesant for all parties involved.
Once you get past Gog, head down the hall and make a right at the water cooler. Jump across the chasm of death, beat the giant lemming of icky pain, and you'll be at the posting permit desk.
Don't forget either two forms of legal ID and your birth certificate.
Thus, the matter was cleared up to the happy satisfaction of everyone that survived.
Well if you had 10,000 dead koalas shoved into YOUR plumbing, you'd be a little paranoid too.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
While the carnage was indeed acceptable, the destruction was overdone, the mayhem was too spicy, and the senseless violence was of a bad year. Three out of five stars.
Computer, take me to the weasels!
Welcome to Siberia! Please visit our gift shop.
See? Hiring all those blind snipers wasn't such a bad idea after all!
A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shooteth it in the head.
It's a good thing my evil lair includes a convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism.
What do you do with the booby once you trap it?
By the way, does anyone know how to rig an EZ-Bake Oven for high explosives?
Don't ever not think that we're not avoiding the absence of quintuple-negatives in our discourse.
If one man's trash is another man's treasure, how do I find the guy who will make me rich by buying my garbage?
Rule #58: Rules are made to be broken.
Obviously when force-mapping a five-dimensional probability curve onto a two dimensional grid, and then further forcing that into a checkers match, a few rules may safely be bent.
I thought you had destroyed all the road signs.
There's a better way, but it would make you all die in screaming pain.
Courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes CBC Television:
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to
the United States of America.
We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron.
He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out.
If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America.
After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber.
Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper
and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey.
In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812.
I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.
I'm sorry about your beer.
I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq.
I mean, when you're going
up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side.
I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different.
Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism.
I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.
We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
Thank you.
Yes... Today, march 2nd, the internet just plain sucked.
We refuse to apologise for the inconvenience.
A special mention is also deserved for the labelling of Vietnam as the Phillippines, regardless of the fact that island states (like, say, the Phillippines) are traditionally surrounded by water. Unlike, say, Vietnam, a conspicuous part of the enormous Asian landmass which covers around a quarter of the world's entire land surface.
I was with you right up to the point where you started typing.
They have played me for a sucker!
There's a line between bigass weapons being COOL and STUPID-LOOKING.
Hey, we survived solitaire and the internet. I think we will survive IM.
Lad's Law #3: "A company which produces an over-run error when trying to calculate yearly grosses deserves no sympathy whatsoever."
Please, you must understand that I say "unwashed kangaroo-riding yokels" with the utmost respect. You should hear what I have to say about the French!
It serves the administration for the public to be so afraid. When you are afraid enough, you’ll get on any train that’s leaving the station, even if it is not going where you want to go.
From now on, unsolicited advertising must be opt in.
Thousands Flock To See Gold Toilets!
Although they have admitted problems with smoke, a representative was quick to point out that no one has complained about the mirrors.
I've decided to write a book: Mensa for Dummies.
I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.
Bits have values of 0, 1, and ERRNO. Code accordingly.
The lottery is how the state gets its welfare money back.
Gives a new meaning to the word "Tentacle," don't it?
Corporate America has found a new advertising medium in blogging. However, to cut costs they have turned their prison-run call centers into "blog farms." While the results were extremely entertaining, they ended up sending the wrong message.
"The last time I had a milk-based product develop an 'attitude,' it was because of insufficient refrigeration."
--Glenn Reynolds on "Raging Cow"
When your medical records are indexed in Google, something's wrong.
Lottery: a tax on people who suck at math.
spell-checked to avoid the pedantic nit-pickings of spelling-nazis.
But don’t all qualified scientists and astronomers agree that there is a moon?
Indeed, but shouldn’t one be suspicious of such unanimity, when universities are supposed to be forums for open debate of controversial issues?
You can negotiate more effectively if you have a superior means of killing all who disagree.
Do not look at transmitter with remaining eye.
Progress is dangerous. If I make a product that will kill one user in a million, and everyone in America buys one, I'll face two hundred and eighty wrongful death suits, class action suits, branding as a mass murderer, and if one of those failures happens during sweeps week. . .
Three words, four grammatical errors. That has to be a record.
Estimating of the cost of infinitely reproducible 1s and 0s is futile and ultimately an exercise in the absurd.
Onimous hummmmmmmmm. . .
The singularity may have been a little excessive, for which I apologize.
Just because it's not for sale doesn't mean you can't get it.
Never turn your back on an enemy you've only killed once.
Never turn your back on an enemy you've killed more than once.
Never do for yourself what you can con an expert into doing for you.
Fear and intimidation can be effective and cheap weapons.
However, you'd be well advised to have something else in your arsenal when going up against tanks...
Gee, you'd almost think I'd done this before.
After TV is in every american household, you will never see another president in a wheelchair.
Even if I *don't* think about it, it's still pretty weird.
Pixels are finite.
Why, then, do we pixel?
Because pixels are art.
Art is infinite.
But in the absence of real evidence, I prefer to make things up.
But honour is like the shadow, which, as it flees from those that follow it, so it follows those that flee from it.
Invasion of the Nose Putty Aliens!
I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
Every day I take a big placebo. It works for me!
Behold the flying cow with a railgun!
The difference between PDA and GBA gaming is subtle: When I'm standing in line at the DMV playing a game on my PDA, I look like a geek. When I'm doing the same on a purple GameBoy, I look like a dork.
All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.