Ten more seconds of this horrified silence and the panic-ridden screaming should commence.
No matter how well built a fortress is, with zero people guarding it, it is defenseless. No matter how strong a weapon, unwielded, it is powerless.
There! I used the word "fundamental" eight times in four sentences. If you understood that paragraph, please e-mail me and tell me what it meant.
If you would like to join our many other extremely rich patrons in making a small cash contribution - no more than ten or twenty thousand dollars would be required, for now - we would be honored to put you on our mailing list and offer you this free tray of cucumber sandwiches and tea. Remember, it's your generous contributions that make exhibits like these possible. By the way, we'll be happy to give you back your coat just as soon as you've finished signing that check.
Note to self: get smarter troll to guard door.
While the record does show that I loathe the undead, as committed as I am to that position, I'm also of the opinion that a groaning legion of walking dead is its own reward.
HELP! I'm trapped in a the body of a human!
Wait... This is 2203, right? Because if it's gone wrong and I've jumped too far again, the time cops are going to ki
Strangers have the best candy.
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School. Volume II.
They augmented his body. But not his mind.
The suspect is a man with one leg and a rocket launcher.
Now that we have turned a large tract of desert into radioactive glass, the most sensible thing in the world is to land there and walk around in it.
With all ethical constraints removed, I am free to explore new possibilities. . .
"Okay, hide the body somewhere. Find another volunteer and try again. . . Never mind, put him with the others. But don't give up, practice makes perfect."
Lose Weight The Slow, Boring Way. A New York Times Bestseller!
If my demands are not met with compliance, I will read you some of my poetry!
The basic principle is simple: Do the opposite of what doesn't work.
There may be, as the philosopher says, no spoon, although this begs the question of why there is the idea of soup.
If Mr. Edison had thought smarter he wouldn't sweat as much. --Nikola Tesla
If people have a right to not be offended, then how can you also claim a right of free speech?
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Now, ninja kittens are cool. There should be more evil ninja kittens.
That had better be a hypothetical question.
The KGB, CIA, FBI, NSA, MCI, IBM and the PTA are all after me...
Hmm. I thought the real Cadillac of autos was the ... err ... what's it called? Cadisomething.
Board meetings are held in exotic locations. . . specifically, non-extradition countries.
Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. -Arthur C. Clarke
Now, if only I hated humanity enough to actually put this plan into
action...
73 million counts of wire fraud sounds good to me!
Mmmmm...hypothetical donut...
Inhalation of experimental compounds discovered harmful!
Please note that the company has changed their name following "that incident".
Predicting is difficult, especially when it involves the future.
"Mr. Black, how many undiscovered islands are left in the world?"
No Begging. Fine: 200 pounds.
There's no amount of processing power that the desktop software industry will not be able to squander.
If I seem short sighted, it is because I stand on the shoulders of midgets.
Hey it's not like their entire customer base is hot-headed, demanding nerds with Napoleon fantasies . . . . Oh dear.
The long version is: "Gamers are not vile evil monsters from the foul depths of the earth".
Not only is your shoddy attempt to undermine our merchandising illegal, but it's also better designed. Would you consider some sort of deal?
I think that your "orbital cannon" was more of a "laser pointer".
I am delighted to enclose your replacement chainsaw(s).
That's it. I give up. There's only so much a man can do when he's waist-deep in monkeys.
Guns don't kill people. Physics kills people!
In order to get good tech support from Microsoft, you need to use the secret codephrase. In this case, it's "We'll just use OpenOffice until you get it fixed." If you say that, they'll handle everything twice as fast. And when purchasing time comes around, don't forget the magic phrase, "We're evaluating open source alternatives" good for half off the price.
Your paranoia is about as subtle as the alien probe in your neck.
Okay, my bash script was responsible for only 32,767 of those, so who was the other guy?
Uh...you did notice that the story is from the Weekly World News, right?
You shouldn't have to click 36 times to ransom off a dozen aristocrats.
Double-check all the numbers; you wouldn't want to lose all your money on a typo.
"The summit of Mount Doom? Yeah. I know it. It's a handy place for me to stash my extra stuff. What about it?"
Assume that the person who will be processing your form is completely incompetent and natively reads Sanskrit.
"You are fated to die" can hardly be considered a good fate.
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!
Klack-Chakt!
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!
Please look out your transparent-but-solid wall portal.
"I have to stop eating!" he said as he ate another cookie.
I walked twenty miles in the snow for this?
Want to show your creativity? Want to win a prize? List your campus username and password here. We'll be giving out free school football merchandise to the top five most original and witty passwords. Standard UNIX password rules apply; no more than eight characters, case sensitive and the password must be verifiable by our judges.
A potential security flaw has been discovered in Human Employee. Please update all of your employees to Microsoft Android 2.0.
A little paranoia would work wonders here.
I heard about a Administrator who wanted to change the pass-phrase for their burglar alarm system to "How should I know? I'm just trying to rob the place."
The truly stupid would say "it tells me we need to hire thugs to guard doors."
The moderately stupid would say "this means we need to lower prices."
The bright would do nothing.
The enlightened would see an untapped market.
You find a larger-than-average diary that appears to be made of metal, but is quite light. Burn or chemical damage has obscured most of the label on the cover but what can be deciphered reads, "...end of the world, last cha... ...June, 14.......20..." No amount of force will open the book.
You open the box and find a logical impossibility. Fortunately, the box is empty.
Possible side effects: dizziness, nausea, immortality, swollen feet, drowsiness.
"20 bucks says that I can get them to pierce their TONGUES."
I never would've guessed that a pagoda would wear rain boots.
You'd think that with an A.I. mounted in my helmet I could get some decent directions.
Space? It's really pretty up there, and all, and it's neat to see stuff float, but after a while it gets kinda boring and you begin to realize that you should have brought a Gamecube and some mp3's or something.
More fun than a box of ferrets.
Unix doesn't have a philosophy, it has an attitude.
This calls for a special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
You are very foolish... the true sign of a hero.
The electroshock therapy is among my fondest childhood memories.
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
Yes, your favorite denizen of evil also comes in an aquatic variety.
"Government Property - Do Not Duplicate," here I come.
It's like a farce, except that it's serious.
STAY BACK! I'VE GOT A FUSION CANNON HERE AND NO IDEA HOW TO USE IT!
Would you like green eggs with your Surface to Air Missile?
Recently, Apple Computer was approached by beings from the Planet Zog.
You've killed how many pitiful looking beggars thus far?
As long as it is possible for anyone to send email, it will be possible for anyone to send spam.
With that in mind I suggest we form a task force to look into this matter. That way we can sleep soundly at night knowing nothing will ever actually happen.
I'm astounded by how many ways the legal profession has of taking your money without actually providing any benefits.
That's because you're a paranoid howler monkey.
The only good zombie is a dead zombie.
Thank you, and don't forget to donate your organs to science.
My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for.
The only reason my pace seems glacial to you is that you are not privy to the cavalcade of horrors that constitutes my private and professional life.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>BUFFER LINE-DO NOT REMOVE<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"Quick--heal me! Oh, never mind"
The time to wait is now!
There's a reason human-computer interface hasn't really changed. The fact that the human hasn't either isn't a big coincidence.
It's really a great thing, especially if you want to scare visitors.
Ouch! That transfer of kinetic energy was uncalled for.
It'd be of the neatness of you are to did.
That would be the glowing tattoo of his.
I've just started working on a side-scrolling shooter for Flash featuring a propane riding alligator.
As long as there is a Second Amendment, there will always be a First Amendment.
"At worst, you screw up and we all die."
I am also happy to report that I have experienced no truth to the rumor that Windows disks become corrupt after improper shutdowns. Indeed, I have been forced to improperly shutdown the machine innumerable times after it locks up, and I have no apparent problems to report regarding the disk. No such claim can be made for Linux. They say something about lack of data points. Excuses are all I ever seem to hear from the Linux crowd.
I love how he said, "This is an interesting time." You think he knows that's a curse in many cultures?
Take my advice. I don't use it anyway.
He who laughs at Groo's brains will find there is nothing to laugh about.
"Yeah, sure, I can get back your sword from the rust monsters. I'm not about to promise that it'll be in the same condition as you lost it in, though."
I think the stationmaster is going to want an exact definition of 'low yield'.
Version 4 will probably be wireless and integrate a toaster, oven and water cooler into the base of the charging cradle.
Aligning individual magnetic grains is a problem for all of us.
Ah, Violence and soft symphony music. They go so well together.
You know what they say about absolute power... It results in a strictly positive number multiplied by itself.
Ah. You misunderstand the boomerang suggestion. I suggested you wear one. I wasn't suggesting you *throw* it at anybody. That would be silly.
There are three reasons for using assembly language: speed, speed, and more speed.
'Hah haa! Missed me! Ha ha! Mi---'
"I'm sure reinforcements will get here on time. They promised."
On the other hand, maybe if someone just gave a spammer a really good beating, I could let that slide...
Would you like a pony with that?
Join me next week when I distill world peace into six easy steps!
Your network is pretty secure compared to the average. However,
Your root password is "sheila".
Your social security number is 182-90-6134.
You just broke up with your girlfriend.
And you really ought to get a disk-wipe program to remove all traces of those deleted files.
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
The real question is, what are we going to do with you?
From "The dissection of the rat", by Edwin C. Starks and Richard D. Cutter.
One of the English guests gave, with perfect truth, his place of birth as required in the Indian Census Return as "a first-class carriage on the London and North-Western Railway, somewhere between Bletchley and Euston; the precise spot being unnoticed either by myself or the other person principally concerned."
100,000,000 guinea pigs; the lawyers must eat.
Borneo, Borneo, wherefore art thou?
Are the people in comets eccentric because their orbits are likewise?
The whales of the night sky bring dreams to the man and dew to the flowers.
The remaining works of Mark Twain are, with one or two exceptions, of very doubtful value....
Readers of the next generation may ask not what we found to amuse us in such works but how we could tolerate such crudity or cynicism or bad taste in the name of American humor.
They involve otters in their squabbles.
Phe4R My l33t sP331iNg Skilz!1!
They might naturally hesitate to swallow the potions of one whose highest reward arose from a fatal result.
"When the Nicaragua Canal shall have been dug, the Atlantic States will also be brought into close connection with China and with the rest of Eastern Asia."
One calf's head, well cleaned and washed. Lay the head in the bottom of a large pot. One onion; six cloves; ten allspice; one bunch parsley; one carrot; salt to taste; cover with four quarts of water. Boil three hours, or until the flesh will slip easily from the bones; take out the head; chop the meat and tongue very fine; set aside the brains; remove the soup from the fire; strain carefully and set away until the next day.
An hour before dinner take off all fat and set on as much of the stock to warm as you need. When it boils drop in a few squares of the meat you have reserved, as well as the force balls. To prepare these, rub
the yolk of three hard boiled eggs to a paste in a wooden bowl, adding gradually the brains to moisten them.
Ah! Lead water pipes. That explains the rest.
"I must go and listen for the carnage."
It has been said that there are few situations in life that cannot be honorably settled, and without loss of time, either by suicide, a bag of gold, or by thrusting a despised antagonist over the edge of a precipice on a dark night.
[Footnote 1] This is a short footnote.
My room has no windows, no doors, and no closets.
P.S. I am not crazy.
P.P.S. No really. I'm not.
I can't feel my kneecaps.
Oh, wait, yes I can. They're in my shoes.
What kind of society would the purely selfish individual consider to be perfect?
Dried frog pills again?
What you're calling "Jumping to conclusions" appears to be what normal people would call "Taking the laws of physics into consideration".
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
This Evil Suggestion brought to you free of charge.
It's all Martin Van Buren's fault!
We found the lost continent of Atlantis. It was on page 7.
I'd do it for free.
Hey, wait a minute! I *am* doing it for free!
Just because I'm on fire doesn't mean I'm losing.
Run! It's the Corrupted White Icky Thing of Greater Doom!
You are not here.
You do not seem to appreciate the difficulty inherent in placing a spatula up there.
For some reason, I think rendering people into hamburger violates nearly about every law code on the face of the earth.
"Does anyone know where I left my keys? I locked Peter in the Biohazard Containment Lab again."
For today's field trip, we will be visiting CompUSA and seeing who can steal the most software.
Consider a Microsoft programmer working on Windows 2003. He knows that Microsoft is already working on the new improved Windows 2005, and the developer on Windows 2005 knows that plans are already under way for Windows 2007. Where is the motivation to build reliability and security into the system when you know the code you are writing will not have a usage of more than two years?
I bet the controls weren't labeled in English on purpose...
I don't normally just walk around stabbing people in the hands.
It's kinda like making fun of the Amish on TV. How are they gonna know?"
The system had a plant recognition benchmark we had to run. It was calibrated in 'cabbages per second'.
"As an engineer, you should study harder than a surgeon. If a surgeon messes up, he only kills one person."
Yes, it emits hideous ethereal energies that degrade my corporeal form. Your point?
"This side towards enemy"
Also useful for movies, pageants, and fraud!
Give enough kinetic energy to something, and you begin to realize that making it explosive is just needlessly redundant.
Personally, I'm a big fan of mace. Either liquid, or the nice big spiked metal ball...
I believe that once someone's head has been reduced to its skeletal form, they can usually be considered deceased.
I've always wanted to see a tornado before I die. Just not right before.
It seems like you need to drink more often. Kill the slow and lazy brain cells...
For better or worse they were confronting destiny. Meanwhile, I was confronting silliness.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Of course, this idea is immoral, a complete violation of everything America stands for, and fairly insane. Who's with me?
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
Yes, we'd all love a button labeled "Destroy random component with visible sparks" on our case, but that costs extra.
exec #1: Still have that bad cough?
exec #2: Yes, whenever I cough it sounds like an evil laugh or something.
exec #1: Weird.
It's rather ironic that everybody copies Xerox.
Combining parrots and voice recognition is a bad idea.
I lay awake last night wondering where the sun had gone, then it dawned on me.
Removing the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
If there's one thing history shows us, it's that violence solves everything.
In a survey, 9 of 10 people agreed that in a survey of 10 people, one will always disagree with the other 9.
"I don't really want to kill you, but there's less paperwork that way."
For your final exam, there's a security certified server that holds your results. If you can give yourself an A+, you probably deserve it.
It's a good thing that Government isn't run like this!
Oh wait....
Aikido is a proven art and I've seen some impressive films of what a master can do, but I have reservations about its use against dragons.
"Hello, I'd like a loaf of bread, Cheerios, and a gallon of your best liquid nitrogen. And, uh, a few grams of plutonium."
"Don't worry, it will wear off in 500 years... why are you looking at me like that?"
Good marketing can make a good game great, but good marketing can't make a bad game good.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would y--give those back!
Press any key to continue, any other key to quit.
Hey! that's not a violin!
A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
That gypsy's curse was remarkably accurate.
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
Hastily, I built a laser pistol out of my optical mouse and the power supply from a laptop, and the fight quickly ended.
Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Surgeon General's Warning: Don't take this fine print too seriously; the feds make us print it.
Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
"Like almost everyone, I receive a lot of spam every day, much of it offering to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It's ridiculous." - Bill Gates
NOT TRUE... STOP. IN US WE HAVE GREAT WAYS TO SEND MESSAGE... STOP. MUCH ADVANCED HERE... STOP.
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
The implications of it being an actual device are astronomical; the odds of it working are infinitesimal.
"Ever count backwards from infinity?"
"Not recently."
"Good. I don't recommend it."
Even the telemarketers wouldn't be able to find him there.
"Dirk, have you been shot in the head with an eighteenth century musket recently?"
I've been a dedicated alchemist all my life. Although I have yet to turn copper into gold, I've been able to turn a whopper into mold.
Baroque: When you are out of Monet.
It was revealed today that a pirate has stolen every N'Sync song ever made. It appears that he downloaded every song thousands of times, and then, to everyone's horror, deleted them. "It's hard to believe that all that music is gone forever" cried one fan.
So a bottle of Lexmark ink would cost USD 2132.00. Unfortunately, it doesn't taste nearly as good, and goes rather poorly with lobster. The initial bouquet is bad, the nose just awful, and the horrid taste sticks to you tongue like, well, ink.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted. Cereal Port Not Responding.
"They have us surrounded? Well, that simplifies things. Now we can shoot in ANY direction and hit them!"
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
'Sorry Timmy, Lassie didn't make it through the deactivation procedure.'
- Identify potential consumer road blocks/fears.
- Construct a proactive framework to minimize negatives arising.
- Assess consumer reaction if press develop scare stories and develop best messages to pacify.
Who needs conspiracy theories when we have conspiracy facts!
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
We either have to control all information or accept that information can't be controlled.
We must dissent.
It sure was a pretty sight. Although, with the impending doom, I didn't really have time to appreciate it.
That's exactly what I asked for, but not what I wanted.
Great, now I'll be swarmed by dung beetles.
Once again I marvel at the subtle ways in which Westerners assimilate the wisdom of the East.
Sure, it's all in their heads. The question is, what's "it"?
007 stared in sudden shock and comprehension as the white Persian cat continued, "Blofeld! Pick me up so that I may look my nemesis in the eye. Gooood human, have another treat..."
Apparently, the space-time continuum is lime flavored.
I don't care if you two keep arguing, just quit spelling LOSE wrong...
Please frame your insults in the form of a question.
I tink ive mispeled evry wrod ni heer.
The psychologist was rather upset with me because I was way off the curve and told me that I was the most anti-social person he had ever met.
a != a
A fuller discussion of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle may be found in the Appendix. Then again, it may not.
In other news, I make 3 cents in royalties for every fork ever produced for the next 3000 years.
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... Oh, sorry, it IS a bird.
As a feat of strength, Alex hoists a van over his head. The others are unimpressed.
This is why we need more cartoons in the educational system: when threatened with a 16-ton anvil falling from the sky, the children have no idea which direction to run in!
It takes the mind of a child to display just why anarchy wouldn't work.
"Bob, there are three mangled corpses under the statue."
"I'll stand in the way while you take the photo."
Again, there better be a good reason why we're coating the WHOLE WORLD with chocolate!
Robot: "HALT. PRESENT RECEIPT. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Customer: "It's right here."
Robot: "YOU NOW HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Customer: "It... It's right here!"
Robot: "3...2...1... I AM NOW AUTHORIZED TO PREVENT SHOPLIFTING WITH PHYSICAL FORCE."
I have yet to levitate from eating their enchilada bowls.
"Now, to get to the statue of King Tuyi, you must first fight through the zombie army, cross the bottomless pit of Ärkarrash, and then scale the dreaded cliff of the wasps. Upon reaching your goal, you must then... oh wait... you have a crane? I guess that'll do too."
"1000 leprechauns working for 1000 days and THIS is their start on my impenetrable stronghold?"
Johnathan was not a terrorist. His imaginary friend Mr Quacko was.
But I don't feel any tranquilizer daaaaarrrrr...
All that Phil asked of the Genie was that people would finally notice him.
"Can't you read? The sign clearly says 'No Monkeys!' Oh, wait, no it doesn't...it actually says no guns. Okay, then. Proceed."
The current odds on SCO winning their case are somewhere around the odds of the Red Sox winning the Superbowl.
There's no future in time travel.
"What, this old thing? I just threw on a garbage bag, attached a piece of corrugated tin, let rodents loose in my hair, smeared zucchini on my eye, and cut out this eye picture. But thanks for noticing!"
Always add and delete the same number of votes, so the number of voters won't change.
You can read more about this fascinating new study in this month's New England Journal of Evil.
Requires 10,000 Double A batteries. (not included)
I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I am confident that my kind are battlehardened enough to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and fondue them.
Flammable materials are dangerous, which is why I always make sure the products I buy are clearly marked as "inflammable".
What we really need is an environmentally friendly biodegradable substance that won't rot or get eaten by bugs. Best of both worlds.
They laughed when I promised to be the first man to sail up Mt. Everest!
What part of "You don't understand anything" don't you understand?
May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizard versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
Overclock Your Body NOW! Drink UBER-BLOOD(TM) XP!!
I am a Statistician. One false move and you are a Statistic!
This doesn't work, which is probably a good thing.
Supreme court is just like regular court, except it comes with tomatoes and sour cream.
It's a bit like Schrodinger's cat, except that even if it's alive when it comes out of the box, we immediately kill it anyway.
Please vote yes on the USA FLUFFY BUNNIES AND PEACE ON EARTH FOR EVERYONE Act.
Can I interest you in a write-only drive array?
"Sir, you have a small tumor in your frontal lobe, we'll have to remove it."
"No, I want you to place a titanium stent in my medulla oblongata. Just do it. I read a book once and the customer is always right!"
Wanna join us? We could really use the sort of keenly-honed skills that can pick out four midgets in a crowd.
Mac OS X: Because making Unix user-friendly was easier than fixing Windows.
Programmer Wanted. Must have 100+ years experience in object-oriented programming, 50+ years as Senior Developer.
I thought that planetary domination was so easy because I was good at it.
I think I shall never see
A billboard as beautiful as a tree
Indeed unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all
"At the tone, Eastern standard time will be, 12:00 Exactly... BEEP"
"At the tone, Eastern standard time will be, 12:00 Exactly... BEEP"
"At the tone, Eastern standard time will be, 12:00 Exactly... BEEP"
If you ever have the urge to sum up an artist's work in one sentence again... don't.
New question: given 100 nukes, what is the best way to exterminate all multicellular life on earth?
The basic premise of any bank is that you can trust the employees not to take the money.
Magnets... the geek's natural enemy, even more so than fresh air and natural light.
Want to make sure the UPS doesn't destroy fragile items? Simply place "^ up ^" on the package. To make doubly sure, also put "v dn v" on it.
No couches for me, sir, I want a sofa!
What part of "He who shall not be named" don't you understand?
"Who here likes freedom of the press?" he asked, and then surveyed the group in front of him. "Wow, that's everyone. Now, here's a different question: who likes not getting hit in the head with a lead pipe? It's okay to think about it... Looks like it's everyone again." "Now let's say you could only choose one..."
The Dead Chicken Protocol is merely there for legacy support, and should be completely phased out by 4.3.0.
How would a trash can spend a million dollars? I'd imagine he would just waste it.
Be careful to verify what you read before accepting it as Truth.
And never, never trust MapQuest.
Staff meeting in the conference room in %d minutes.
The legendary Vowelless Knights of Nglnd were renowned for their bravery in the face of danger, feared for their ruthless and incredible battle prowess, and snickered at behind their backs for their goofy speech impediment.
Hewlett Packard's marketing department was described as being so inept that, "If they had to sell sushi, they'd describe it as cold, dead, raw fish."
Could you hold on a minute? My secretary just exploded.
You have overused your unlimited hours for the month.
And by "amusingly large", I should point out that I'm a large number theorist.
Please be advised that I am not advocating the wanton destruction and/or infection of Microsoft systems. They'll do so on their own if you watch 'em long enough.
l33t 15 4 t00l 0f t3h 35t4bl15h/\/\3nt.
I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
Never trust a "cheese" which doesn't need refrigeration. If the mold won't eat it, I won't eat it.
"What can we do to immortalize our civilization?"
"Hey, let's build a giant stone monument with no discernible purpose!"
"Man, that will mess with their heads for YEARS!"
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
Everything is hotswapable. . . if nobody is watching.
WARNING: RADIOLOGICAL HAZARD. DO NOT OPEN; NO USER-SERVICEABLE PARTS INSIDE. IF DEVICE BECOMES OVERLY WARM, IMMERSE IMMEDIATELY IN HEAVY WATER AND CALL THE U.S. ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY'S RADIOLOGICAL EMERGENCY RESPONSE TEAM. DO NOT USE WHILE PREGNANT OR NURSING AN INFANT. DOES NOT CONFER SUPER-POWERS UPON USER. KEEP AWAY FROM EASILY-MUTATED ARACHNIDS.
"I need some answers! Our department is being audited by the County. I have been waiting for someone to give me an explanation as to why Precinct 216 gave Al Gore a minus 16022 when it was uploaded. Will someone please explain this so that I have the information to give the auditor instead of standing here "looking dumb"."
-Internal Dibold memo.
When the going gets tough, use Johnson's Going Tenderizer
Copyright 2120 Chronos Technologies, Inc.
Come to the Dark side ... we have cookies.
It's the Sword of Powers. It can calculate any exponent!
"What's the point of a time machine if it only works in Windows 95?"
Specialists have been able to predict nine of the five major crisis in the past decades.
I believe this is one of the rare disputes that can only be settled by a fight to the death.
At what point do you call sending people up into the cold, dark vacuum of space by strapping them to a large rocket safe?
No one except us remembers the great Dreflord rebellion of 1947.
...Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
Space Storm hits; Earth Survives.
The bait: GoldenEye for the N64. This particular cartridge had been destroyed by a family that had placed gum on the connection bridge, then they had their pet monkey who was wielding a screwdriver try to clean it off.
The plan: Rig up a series of capacitors inside the cartridge that would charge and then discharge sending 50,000 volts of electric death into the N64. It would work exactly like a taser (think stun gun). Then once this cartridge of N64 doom was ready, it would be left on the counter to be stolen.
Bob: Hi, what's your major?
Jane: Theater. How about you?
Bob: Explosion Studies.
Never annoy something that can eat a tree. It might decide it needs some protein in its diet.
Guy with goatee: We'll be selling e-products over the e-web. Our e-services will include e-billing, e-shipping, and e-tracking. This will actually reduce our infrastructure and overhead costs to negative numbers, so we won't even need to actually sell anything.
Apparently in the mighty south, the dead rise to vote every year.
Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.
The Open Source Software movement is harder to kill than cockroaches.
So they are fingertip sized, paper thin, and a cubic centimeter? I'm having trouble forming a mental image of this...
I got the disk full message when downloading http://*.*
Never fall in love with a tennis player... love means nothing to them.
If you spread out all the sand in North Africa it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
I have invented a cure for which there is no known disease.
I've always wanted to join AOL, but I've never been able to find the software.
Plane 1, Superman 0.
It was this game that prompted the first addition to the official rules in 45 years. It was about rocketshoes.
This was a terrible accident... Bobby made sure of that.
The "Black Hole in a Box" probably should have come with a warning label of some kind.
The masses of zombies searched and searched, but they couldn't find Anthony. Not until his cell-phone went off.
Real-life lessons from Super Mario Bros: Funny mushrooms give you super powers.
People who would only devote a few minutes to planning a murder will spend weeks trying to figure out how to deduct the cost of the bullets.
"Honey, the toaster's been hacked again."
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Power corrupts and PowerPoint corrupts absolutely.
I have to thank the creators of the Tony Hawk games. Without them I would probably think skateboarding would be a good idea.
The essential paradigm of cyberspace is creating partially situated identities out of actual or potential social reality in terms of canonical forms of human contact, thus renormalizing the phenomenology of narrative space and requiring the naturalization of the intersubjective cognitive strategy, and thereby resolving the dialectics of metaphorical thoughts, each problematic to the other, collectively redefining and reifying the paradigm of the parable of the model of the metaphor.
Mastercard - Sept 9 - Oct 8
$4.99..................Weed
SERVE THE COMPUTER. THE COMPUTER IS YOUR FRIEND!
Maybe I'm just paranoid but maybe, just maybe, I'm not paranoid enough.
Remember, since you're paying monthly for cable TV the cable only stations won't need to play commercials.
Oh, so THAT'S what happens if you shake the can of whooparse before opening...
In other news, razor-sharp irony kills 3, wounds 25.
Congratulations on putting 'alleged' and 'convicted' in the same sentence.
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
I'm sorry Sir; you are not allowed to put your other foot in your mouth until the first one is removed.
Of course there is air in space. There's an air in space museum.
You know you're being tailed when the guys who show up to fix your flat tire are wearing dark sunglasses.
Surely, anyone who successfully gained Access to trademark rights on common terms would have quite a Project ahead of them! They would need lawyers that Excel at trademark law to defend them. I doubt that any litigator could ever have the last Word on this issue; the Outlook would not be good. But a savvy legal Explorer could open a lot of Windows into to what goes on behind such strategies.
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
Shoplifting a CD from a record store carries fewer penalties than downloading even a single track from the same disc.
I threw up my hands in disgust and wondered if it had been such a good idea to have eaten my hands in the first place.
The plural of virus is Microsoft.
"Just a moment while I locate my position in the 4th dimension," he said, glancing at his watch.
My company's payroll department is staffed exclusively by ninjas.
It is a simple problem, easily solved with duct tape, a monkey and some explosives.
We can neither confirm nor deny the confirmation or denial of any news you may or may not have heard, either in the past or currently
You can run, but you can't-- hey... where'd he go?
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Actually, some numbers are superior to others. It's a little thing that we in mathematics call "greater".
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
If you think diamonds are forever, you're going to love the new One Ring model at Sauron's Jewelers (with 1 convenient locataion in the Barad-dur shopping mall, located right in the shadow of Mount Doom).
This ring is guaranteed to last for all eternity, and will grant countless powers as well as being a pledge of your ever lasting and eternal love. When my grandfather first forged this ring in ages past, he made it to last, and it has certainly stood the test of time. What better way of telling that special someone "This is going to last forever?"
Supplies are EXTREMELY limited, so hurry on in, or email DarkLord@mordor.org for this and other wonderful items.
Adamantium claws: Santa's indestructible brother
There's a fine line between "Sidekick" and "Monster chow".
"Every valid combination of words in the English language has been attributed to Mark Twain at some point in time." --Mark Twain
Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
When you're looking to cut corners, be careful who you give the scissors to...
If, when you walk in the door in the morning, your secretary says that a CBS producer is on the phone trying to schedule you for an interview with Mike Wallace, it's probably a bad day.