| The Very Secret Diary of Meriadoc Brandybuck Day One Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when "washing dishes" punishment followec by " polishing Gandalf's staff" punishment and "massaging Gandalf's feet" punishment and "nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch" punishment, I mean, who's he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot thing. Day Two Very promising start today when discovered carrot that was just the right shape. Even more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags of potatoes, and three ears of corn, although cannot help to think pippin is being slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably manage two ears of corn, but not before breakfast. All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade, whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in very suprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am very sad. Day Three Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by overdressed and very crabby set of ridersin outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf "the Gray" earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton currently, although not go in for that sort of thing myself. Day Five Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn't happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin's belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have a death wish, or what? Day Six Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and said "Thats not what you said last night." After a moment of confusion realised he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away most embarrassed, after explaining, "I'm really meant to be King, you know." Sure he is, and I'm the Elf Queen of Mirkwood. Day Seven In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floor all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realising hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag. Day Nine Have fixd carrot with special elf glue. Go me! Day Eleven Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries anything. Hope he tries something. Day Fifteen Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always dropping sword down trousers and asking us "little ones" to come and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will doo when run out of vegetables. Day Sixteen Boromir asked me to go for a walk with him. Am not falling for old 'Horn of Gondor' trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once. Day Nineteen Am in bad mood. Boromir called me "Pippin" at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realise he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort. Day Twenty Got mohawk but no one can see it as is very dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him I was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not much difference really, eh?" In ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, "Fool of a Took! i have better things to do than mend your vegetables." Did not correct Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy hat. Day Twenty-Two Gandalf fell into shawdow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolas' nude rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical. Could not watch myself- far to many high kicks. Day Twenty-Eight in Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fiftl elves and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully persistent. Perhaps...no, certainly not. Day Thirty Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag are way out of captivity. Pippin seemed pleased. Wait til he realises I meant shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a very good Day. |
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