The
CLAP have certainly earned their 15 minutes. So here are the questions I asked
in that time period. NOTE: you might find these guys playing around as FUNERAL
IN THE ROTUNDA, which may make things all the more confusing. Well since this
intro is already sucking big, I'll just give you the goods. Here is the
interview with THE CLAP!!!
1.) Okay guys, let’s go through the preliminaries; who the fuck is who and how exactly does your measly existence contribute the band?
1) _______ is the new bassist, Shawn is the vocalist, Matt plays D G and
A chords, Paul plays the snare, toms, bass, and hi-hats. ( also has been
known to play the cymbals).
2.) Out of all the social ills that exist these days, why the Clap? Why not name the group Syphilitic Pricks or something?
2) Because Skrewdriver was already taken
3.) It seems like one week you’re the Clap, the next your something else. Then I think you’re the Clap and are playing out. I go and show up, and the entire line-up of the band is changed. Can you explain how to tell you guys apart from the bizarro Clap?
3) They have fancy lawyers and we don't. Were not old and they are. We have our original hips and they don't.
4.) One of your songs is about that terrorist Bin Laden character. Do you really think the CIA is perpetuating a witch hunt against this guy, or do you think he’s a genuine scumbag? I think he’s a piece of shit. I don’t think the CIA didn’t have to do that much of a character assaination. I put my Muslim Extremists right where I put my Christian Extremists, which is in the garbage can with all the dog shit I pick up during the week!!
4) Osama Bin Laden is the ultimate super villain. Dark, mysterious, and from a place far, far away. There has not been an antagonist of this caliber ince Darth Vader or Tattoo of Fantasy Island.
5.) One thing I noticed in Punk rock is that it’s cool to bash Christianity but not cool to thrash Judaism or Islam. Is it not PC to say that they’re all fucking crap. Scientology and Rastafari are cults not much different than the Branch Davidians! So what makes a dude want to worship a dead dictator? Too much pot?? But really, why do we draw a line? Why doesn’t the rule cut across the whole board?
5) Religion is like punk it is for weak minded people trying to cling onto something.
6.) The SLA took my baby away is a rather clever take on the Ramones classic “KKK took my baby away” . I personally despise seeing Patty Hearst talking about anything. She’s a trustafari who ran with the feeble SLA (who at one time were even trying to recruit 14 year old girls into their crew because their support was so lame) and now the closest thing to revolution she has to show for, is appearing in John Waters’ movies. She’s essentially living of that “evil” inheritance money. Ya, think she’s full of shit?
6)
I think you're full of shit! Patty Hearst deserves her cult icon status, she is
the ultimate Summer Squatter. Instead of living on a park bench drinking 40's
she was robbing banks and blowing up police cars.
7.) For those of my readers who haven’t heard your band, and who probably also consider my writing to be vague and useless when describing bands. Could you explain to them what it is that you’re about?
7) Well, you can tell your "READERS" that The Clap makes music to entertain themselves and no one else.
8.) I recall a slight marketing strategy, which, correct me if I’m wrong was developed by Dr. Sean Clap’s mom. She spread a rumor that you he was dying of liver disease. She thought it would help sell records. Does she want Sean to move out of the house that bad???
8) Nothing can be further from the truth. It wasn't liver disease it was liver cancer and it wasn't Shawn's Mom it was Matt and Pauls Mom and it wasn't to sell records it was to sell T-shirts!
9.) Another funny incident involving Mama Clap is: she showed up at my day job asking if we were hiring. Saying that Sean would love the job.. So I said something like “Nah...he wouldn’t cuz this is work.” Do you think it’s that sort of ethic that has lead to the Clap being the internationally recognized household giants of Punk that they are today?
9) Was that before or after she got thrown out of Tara's Inn of Port Jeff. because she was caught cheating at Buck Dice?
10.) I rent a PO Box in that town where you guys grew up. I’m just wondering how were you all able to read and speak in complete sentences without inserting “you know what I’m saying” where it would be grammatically inappropriate ? I mean, I’ve worked in that town for 7 or 8 years and I have yet to hear one resident complete a sentence.
10) Well my dear Groovy, If that is in fact your real name, it is interesting to note that Selden was originally named Westfield; and you should also take into consideration that Selden is not a town but indeed a hamlet. you know what I'm sayin'?
11.) One of your band members also moonlights for Space Robot Scientists.. Uh.. does anyone else in the band do anything shameful that we should know about? [ LOTSA LAUGHS!!-mainly from Groovy ] Is this why you placed an ad looking for a new bassist?
11) Shameful. Certainly. For you to know about certainly not.
12.) Sean can we tell that female cabbie store. I’d be really honored to get that into print.. can we? Like what’s the story? You had to pay your fare how?
12) Please refer to answer 11.
13.) So are there any plans on playing at the Warped Tour this year? Have you entered any Chocolate Drink Song Writing contests or any of that shit?
13) I don't think your precious Warped Tour caters to our kind. It's funny you should mention the chocolate thing because we just finished a jingle for Snapple and it goes a little like this " Snapple, Snapple in your Yap the more you drink the more you crap."
14.) What are you guys currently working on?
14) Were doing some recording in the practice room and trying to book a tour for January. Also we are looking for a new bassist.
15.) Okay I give this opportunity to everyone, and this is more or like the only closer I can come up with “do you have any closing comments you might want to make?”
15) How come your store doesn't carry cassingles anymore? Also what is the name of that blonde that work with tell her to call us. One more thing to help finance the tour we will be selling fine jewelry, so if my Mom answers the phone hang up.