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TWO MAN ADVANTAGE are like an action packed power play that calls Long Island their home. Since this interview the label that signed them Royalty has gone belly up. Front man Bud has moved from beautiful Franklin Square to the more scenic Brooklyn. Despite whatever zip code they now get their subscription of Barely Legal sent to, TWO MAN are still one of the best PUCK RAWK bands the scene has to offer these days. ex: Okay guys, the Beach Boys had their surf club even though none of them could surf. In fact one guy overlooked the fact that he couldn’t swim and drowned to death or some shit like that. So I guess my question is this, can you guys really play hockey or are you a bunch of fakes? Teemu: Well, I am probably the worst hockey player on the 2MA team. I have broken both of my ankles and I am afraid to put skates on in fear that I will break them again. I do play deck hockey though and I must say I am a good defensemen. Try coming through me sometime, you’ll find out. Bud: You better believe I play hockey. Let’s see, I started playing in the second grade. In high school I was All-State and one of NY’s best goalies. I played in Canada every summer for 5 weeks out of a time. I played Junior A for the Long Island Mustangs, a team that had a bunch of superstars and no one who passed the puck. We always got our asses kicked by teams like the Rochester Americans and the USA Junior Olympic team. I was asked by a team to up to Ottawa and play hockey for them making $100 a game. My parents couldn’t afford paying room and board so that wasn’t going to happen. I was aked to try out for Michigan Stae (Div 1 Hockey) but my grades were such shit that I couldn’t even get into Nassau Community College. I played against the Ferraro brothers, two of the only players to play NHL hockey from Long Island during my day. I played roller hockey every day after school. I played organized roller hockey since the fourth grade. I got my first pair of rollerblades in 85 for 60 bucks from a store in Canada. I do not play now because of two injuries: a torn rotate cuff in my glove arm, a broken right ankle and the fact that I’m in the worst physical shape of my life. But if a street hockey game breaks out at a show, I’m the first to jump in and play! ex: Is there any truth to the rumor that a lot of people wanted to have you guys banned because of your hockey helmets. They actually thought you were making fun of epileptics and retarded kids rather then just being a hockey loving band? Teemu: Uhm, I have no clue what you are talking about. There are a lot of rumors flying around regarding this band and I like to hear them all. Some of them are rather funny. If someone was offended because we wear hockey gear when we play then they need to get a fucking clue, it’s all in good fun. Bud: The only retard I make fun of is Teemu. Not only does the idiot where a helmet, he wears make up. What a tart!!! ex: Wait a minute, I should’ve asked this question to start this interview off. What the fuck does hockey have to do with punk rock. Please explain!!! Teemu: I think Tkachuk can explain this better than me. He has done some columns lately for zines trying to explain this to people. Bud: You see hockey to me is punk rock. It's fast, furious, and non stop action. I have three passions in life: Punk Rock, Beer and Hockey, so I combined all three. Also, the reason why Punk Rock exists is so an average person can express himself through art. That is what we do. We play and express what we truly enjoy. ex: I heard that Royalty records signed you guys after seeing you perform only once. Do you think that the reason you got signed so quick was because Bud was showing a lot of ass during that gig? Teemu: Well that is true. The people at Royalty had our demo and our “Live at NYU” tape and I guess they liked it. They came to see us at a show at our favorite place on LI, The Roadhouse Pub, and no more than 5 minutes after we were done, they came up to me with an offer. I didn’t even have time to put my bass away and they were like “Hey, you guys wanna do a full length with us?” We talked about it and decided, what the fuck? Bud: Let me tell you something. I always show a lot of ass. MTV always taught me that sex sells, so I figured what would be more punk than to show some ass that no one wants to see. I'm not built like some CK model but I don't think that matters when you're into punk rock. The people who point and laugh are the one's who I know are just stuck in a phase of growing up. The punks that accept my big hairy ass are the real deal. When Royalty's A&R man came up to me after the show he didn't make any comment about my ass, he just said "You guys rocked!" Well you know what? I watched hum during our set and he didn't point and laugh, he enjoyed the chaos the band was delivering at 2 in the morning. That was enough for me to sign to a no name label. ex: Now that you’re on Royalty how does it feel to be label mates with those talentless shitbags Po’ Boy Swing? Have any of those filthy glam hippies showed up at your gigs? Teemu: I don’t know anything about Po’ Boy Swing, its not my cup of tea. As far as the glam thing, I can’t see why that would stop us from going with Royalty. We are as moronic with our look as they are, hehehe. ff they have showed up to our shows, I wouldn’t know it. We have played with Speedealer and The Unband and I think both of those bands rock. They offer something a little different. I like being on a label that isn’t stuck on one particular sound or genre of music. Bud: Well this is what it's like, there's two Royalty(s). There's the Po Boy era and the Speedealer era. Royalty after the Po Boy put out some Wayne County stuff and an Iggy tribute comp. I then noticed a great deal of press and attention Royalty was getting. I was thinking, wow a small label on the rise. That would be great for us. They could pay more attention to us because they only work Speedealer at that time. As far as those talentless Po Boy shitheads coming to a Two Man show? I wouldn't care cause you're right they're bad. ex: Your music is currently being played at Colorado Avalanche games, how do you guys feel about this and ideally what teams would you like to be using your music? Teemu: The Avalanache were the first NHL team to play us, its up to 13 NHL teams now, not including the minor league teams. I think its hilarious, I watch a lot of hockey and to hear our songs in the background is pretty cool actually. As far as other teams playing us, I really don’t care. The fact that the Islanders don’t play us just shows how stupid they are. I think the Islanders are a disgrace to the NHL. I know most of my teamates like the Islanders, fuck them, I don’t and I am not afraid to say that I think that they are a pathetic organization and Mike Milbury is one clueless motherfucker. Bud: Hey Teemu you fuck. What about your pussy ass Mighty Ducks? How the fuck could you like a team owned by Disney? What kind of team name is the Mighty Ducks? They named your team after a fucking kid movie. The whole Ducks organization is based around merchandising, not hockey! I'm just glad the Ducks won't play 2 Man because it doesn't fit their format. Yeah it's not on a disney soundtrack...Okay it's true the Islanders do suck and someone please fire Milbury. I truly believe the Ranger organization are paying Milbury under the table to keep the Islanders in the celler. As far as what team would I like to hear play our song, I have to say that it would of been great if Toronto played it at the old Garden cause that's got history. Now I'd like to hear Montreal play it. ex: I’m also not sure if you’re aware of this but a lot of local punk and hardcore bands all seem to be jealous of the sucess that you guys have had over such a little period of time. I think one of the things some guy was saying was that you turned down a weeks worth of gigs that would have given you $1,000 bucks a night. What do you have to say to people who are losing sleep over your bands decisions? Teemu: I think they need to relax and have a damn beer! I don’t know why people would be jealous of us. Its all hard work and this band works really hard to get what we want. Success is over rated. I think to be successful at this means that you are having fun. This band is a lot of fun and to anyone who knows us personally, well they all understand that we are having a blast with this. The day the fun stops is they day we pack it up. As far as us turning down shows that would have paid us $1,000 a night, well there is some truth to that. I will let Tkachuk or the Captain explain that one. Bud: Oh my friend, if anyone wants to be jealous of us, they should be jealous of all the fun we're having. This band is not about money and it's not about exposure or popularity. It's about the beer we consume together as friends. It's our little excuse to get away from the wives and drink some beers with the boys. So please don't become jealous of us! As far as the $1000 bucks a show for a week, yeah, that was for some Wrestling organization that wanted us to come and do a 30min set before the Battle Royal. I was convinced that they only saw pictures of me and said, "hey he looks like a wrestler." Why would you want to hear songs about hockey at a wrestling match? We decided to pass. Skate was pissed because he wanted to share a bottle of Wild Turkey with Hacksaw Jim Duggan. ex: Let’s start talking about the record, you had Smalley produce it. Can he play hockey? Teemu: Of course Smalley can play hockey, if he couldn’t, he wouldn’t have produced the record, hahaha. Bud: Don't lie. No, Smalley can't play hockey but he is a hell of a stick boy. ex: How did Smalley get involved with the project did he lose a bet or something? Teemu: You know, I am glad that someone finally asked that question. I have been waiting to answer that one for a long ass time. I am sure that people think that our label went out and got him or something to that effect. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Here is the story. Dave and I have been friends since back in 1983. He and I met when he was in DYS in Boston. I used to hang out with them and all the other Boston bands back then. He and I are really good friends and he knows the rest of the band as well. He is someone we all have admired and we love all the music he has made over the years. Just to work with him and hang out with him for a couple of weeks meant the world to all of the 2MA guys. Let me tell ya, he is one hell of a producer and I think he did a great job on our record. We look forward to working with him again. Bud: I met Smalley a long time ago and he is one of my boyhood idols. It sounds a little funny but in the 80s I was very into his work. When I finally met him in person he was just like any other guy. We became friends and hung out everytime he came to NY. When he had heard I was in a band with Teemu he flipped out and asked if he could some how be involved with our project. The day had come where the contracys were done and it was time to record and we just called Dave and said, "Hey come to NY and record the first 2 Man record. He was there in a week. ex: In one of your songs it ends with Bud stating “Smalley needs a Guiness”. Was he trading his time for classy beer or is he just another elitist bourgeois that considers Schafer lowbrow? Teemu: When Dave lost his edge, it was with a Guinness. He drinks the cheap ass stuff with us though. We like to get a case of PBR’s before we play and he has no problem drinking them with us. Bud: The reason I said that is cause Smalley was getting a little pissy from drinking the cheap PBR. So I was suggesting we gave him his favorite. Hey, I also say something in that song that only we know. It's hidden pretty well. ex: You guys have a ton of songs about drinking, do you guys play this up a bit or are you all functional alcoholics? Teemu: Good question again Groovy, you are on a roll. I don’t drink as much as some people think I do. Granted, Tkachuk is the only guy with a bigger belly than me, heheheh... But as far as drinking, I don’t do it as much as I used to. Bud: I'm as serious about my beer as my hockey. I love to have a few beers but I don't tip the bottle everynight. I think Skate can out drink all of us. He likes the hard shit. The Captian tends to enjoy shots of his favorite bourbon and Amstel is known for kickin' back the malt licka. So yeah we all drink. We're just not raging alcoholics anymore. ex: I’m sure you talked about this in other zines but someone on the internet spread a rumor that you wanted to beat up Furious George, did anybody actually believe that shit? What do you guys think about the internet and the over abundance of bogus information out there for people to get their hands on? Teemu: I think the Internet can be a useful tool, all dependent on what you are trying to accomplish. I remember this story too well. Some kids emailed the FG guys and told them that 2MA would kick their asses and that we “eat punk bands for lunch”. I think its hilarious since we are a punk band. We talked about it with George Tabb and his boys and well, we are all great friends now. The Furious George guys are the only band outside of 2MA to have 2MA jerseys made for them. They are great guys and good friends and we support them in any way we can. Bud: I like the internet for porn and only porn. Instant Snatch! I like all the Japanese Girl School sites, and the Giga Sites are a blast (those are people eating shit sites![ed note:Yikes!!]) As far as pussy Tabb goes. The first time we met he was a little scared of us but broke the ice telling is about the threat e-mail he received and just had a laugh and a drink over it. Also there has always been at least 1 member of FG at every NYC gig we have had since that date. ex: Recently Gary Glitter was busted for possession of kiddie porn, don’t you think that because of this they should stop playing Rock And Roll at sporting events and use more 2 Man songs? Teemu: Thats fine with me. When it comes to kiddie porn, thats where I draw the line, maybe because I have sons myself and I wouldn’t want anyone to be checking my kids out. Thats the Dad in me, I can’t help it, I am very protective of my children. Bud: Yeah I think they should play our song Pornographic instead. ex: This one is coming way out of left field. (Ooops excuse the baseball term) Hockey seems to be a sport that is championed by very macho heterosexual males. Can you explain to me why their is so much ass slapping at the end of games? Is this to release all the pent up homo erotic desires the players develop towards one another during the game or in the showers? Teemu: Have you seen TkachuWs ass? Its a wonderful sight! Bud: It's a French Canadian thing. All the frogs up there started the whole patting the ass thing! It's like how Basketball players high five and bump chests. It means, "Way to move your ass!" Anyway with all the pads on, it disqualifies hockey players as homosexuals. Now baseball playes on the other hand. I can't explain that. ex: Are 2man advantage slated to make any appearances with he/she advantage and fellow labelmate Jayne County anytime in the near future? Teemu: Not that I know of. That would be fine with me though, I am a firm believer in “to each his/her own”. Just because something or someone is a little bit different doesn’t make them a bad person. I take people as individuals and I try not to judge anyone on appearance. Bud: I'm all for it. I'll show her how to strut the man shit without having to switch to the other team. ex: How has your deal with Royalty affected your beliefs in the DIY ethic? Are they stronger or weaker? explain??? Teemu: Considering that the Captain and I just booked our first US tour, we are still a DIY band. Granted, we do have distribution through BMG, that in a sense, means that we are not a DIY band to some people. But we are very much a hands on band. We do everything ourselves with the exception of the distro. I work my ass off for this band and I still stick to the old cliche “if you can do something yourself, then fucking do it”. You would be amazed at the amount of hours I put into this band on a weekly basis. Bud: We might as well have been on Ass Suck Records because we still do everything. I don't know what Royalty is doing, nor do I care. Just tell me a time and place and I'll be there. As far as the BMG thing goes, I think it kind of hurts us. Larger chisn stores take the record but small Ma and Pa shops have a hardtime getting it or even hearing about it. Those are the stores that carry our style of music. Those are the shops that will put up our posters and play our record in store. I think now our record is just getting lost in Sam Goodies across the land. ex: Do you see any room for Bocce Ball fanatics in the punk scene? Teemu: What’s Bocce Ball? Bud: It's a guinny game you dumb Mexican. [ed note: Yes Bud is very Italian. So don't report him to the local Son's Of Italy!] Fuck yeah, I'm going to start an all Italian punk band called Close Balls, where we smoke Guinny Sticks and drink Espresso while singing about the highly insane sport of Bocce! CLICK PHOTO TO GO TO TWO MAN'S WEBPAGE!!
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