Exeter College Darts

*Exeter College Darts

New Boys, Shit Darts

DATE : 2-3-01 OPPONENTS : Old boys' XI
RESULT : 6-10 AUTHOR OF REPORT : Graham Hales

When you're planning an eleven-a-side darts match, bringing eight of the old boys' team to Oxford from around the country, it doesn't help to be told, after everything is arranged, that in fact a night of live music has been arranged down the bar that very evening. So it was a 5:30pm start for what looked certain to be the longest match ever played in Exeter bar. And it didn't disappoint - McBurnie's singles win over Olly Cheng, for example, took at least 2 hours on its own.

First up, in a slightly surreal but always cheerful early-evening atmosphere, was Cox against Stevenson. Cox had already moaned to me about playing #1 ("I'm not sure I have got a chance") but he was obviously much better than he had expected, since he took out Graham in style, hitting his double first dart. Then it was Balo v Clifford. Clifford was solid enough, and undistracted by the usual

rendition of "Tom Clifford is a boatie c-nt", but Balo (above) hit the double first, throwing in a few "Balo darts" for the crowd as well. (That's getting 80 with the first 2 then straying into 1 or 5, folks.)

It fell to Barkworth (left) to help the new boys out, and he did so against Jo Davis, throwing in a fortunate shanghai (with apology) along the way. Then it was time for Mike Cooper, one of two first-time captains (myself being the other one), to take his medicine from Sultoon. The chants of "Big Mike, shit darts" soon went up, followed by the variations : "Shit Mike, shit darts"

"Big darts, shit Mike"; "Darts shit, Mike big", etc. (for some reason this chant never stops being amusing). However, despite overcoming the banter to put in a decent performance, Sultoon hit the double, and celebrated in the authentic Tony David style, which he reproduced (below) in the Turtle afterwards.

So there was trouble now for the new boys, especially when Savory overcame a truly awful performance to beat Jon "The Mouth" Turner and put the old boys 4-1 up. Turner's hair came in for a bit of banter, although it was nothing compared to what he'd come up against in the doubles. Most of the

banter Savory received, as is so often the case, was from his own side, with Fads reprising "Damage the Wanker" for a bit of fun ("Look at his chin / Goes out and then in" as the words go).

So now Sparkes and McBurnie stepped up for the doubles against Stevenson and Cooper, since Graham had something-or-other to go and do. Frankly, the result was a foregone conclusion, but a couple of tons from Graham gave everyone something to cheer. 4-2 to the old boys.

4-2 would soon become 4-4, as Sparkes lost again, this time in singles, to an excellent Killingley, who threw in a ton and a ton-forty. Then it was my turn, and despite playing pretty well by my standards, throwing in a 132 and getting down at the same speed, I was beaten (it pains me to say) by the better player, with Stephany doubling out instantly. He was able to claim not only a pint off me, but also the 54p that he had won by backing himself for a quid on my pre-match odds of 8/15.

Now it was time for the circus act, with Teehee on the oche to throw his now familiar "backwards darts". They weren't quite firing against Fads and he lost, although it did confirm that he is now better throwing the darts flight-first than the other way round, and there was a ton in there for good measure.

Then followed the two worst legs of the night - first, the all-South African clash of DV against Hansie Whittaker. Devaney was basically awful, although he did manage a token ton, and Henry (right) didn't have to do a great deal to level the scores again.

Next was McBurnie vs Cheng, and several hours later after we had all woken up, we learned

that McB had hit the winning double after an endless marathon, despite having been well behind in the scoring. The highlight of this bore-a-thon was the fantastic bell-ringing tribute to the campanologist : "Ding-dong merrily on high - He wants to be a banker ... Ding-dong merrily on high - McBurnie is a wanker ... Glo-o-o-o-o-o-ria, McBurnie is a wanker."

The next leg took about one-hundredth of the time, with Fox breezing through the untried Rob Javin-Fisher (he had to suffer a few "get outs", of course) to make it 7-5. "Have you ever won the league?" sang the old boys. Then, "Have you ever won the cup?" (etc., etc.)

Now came the leg of the night (in banter terms), with the old boys setting about

the task of cracking new man Jon Turner (shown, right, breaking under the pressure). "You've got semen, you've got semen, you've got semen in your hair, " it began. "Jizz hair, shit darts" was next, with the inevitable variations. Even more value was to be had when his doubles partner, Clifford, was brought into the

equation. "You've got Clifford's jizz in your hair!" sent Turner's darts anywhere but straight, and Clifford wasn't helped when "Where's your semen gone? (Where's your semen gone?) - In Turner's hair" was directed at him. Amid all the fun, Clifford's sister arrived, provoking a Star Wars-inspired banter line for Cliff ("So, you have a twin sister ... if you will not join the old boys, then perhaps she will.") Unsurprisingly, Davis and Savory took the leg, with Davis spoiling all the fun by hitting the double straight away.

With a draw the best the new boys could hope for from 8-5, myself and DV stepped up against Stephany and Teehee. I batted out a few "pump actions", DV batted out a few "Sweat, sweat, sweat" renditions, Steph batted out a few renditions of "A truly awful night", and Teehee batted out the usual high-pitched laugh gags. Again the scoring was pretty close, but Teehee's backwards darts suddenly hit form and a reverse 140 was followed by a reverse double 10 from his first set at a double to make it 8-6.

Killingley and Javin Fisher were lambs to the slaughter against the old boys' form players Fox and Cox, despite Killingley playing solid darts again. Then the final match - trebles to allow for 11 players on each side, with Fads, Sultoon and Balo taking on Cheng, Whittaker and Barkworth. Playing off 801, the scoring phase went on for a while, but the result wasn't really in much doubt. Balo finally avoided "Balo darts" after several attempts, and when the old boys hit the winning double it confirmed the final score as 10-6.

Still time for a beer-leg though, although the band had now started performing Oasis covers in the background. We played off a massive 1501, with Bubbles and Lynch stepping in to fill the empty spaces on the new boys' teamsheet. It was all remarkably tight, and almost everyone had a shot at a double, but in the end it was Fadsy, in probably his last ever darting appearance, who took out the double 1 needed to clinch a few more pints.

So an excellent night was had by all, with the new boys team doing fairly well in the absence of Matt Locke and Matt Thomas against a full-strength old boys side. By the time a beer-leg finishes, normally the bar is about to shut; but this time, everyone was quite battered and it was still not even nine o'clock, so the old boys wandered off for a curry (see picture below). Some quality food prepared us all for a night of Purple Turtle action.

Won both legs : Cox, Fox, Balo, Sultoon, Savory, Fads (Old); Stephany (New)
Man of the match : Cox (Old).