Exeter College Darts

hero despite playing like an utter chump for pretty much the whole match. His first leg was played before the noise levels got going and wasn't even a contest, since mibruvver Baker played like the class act he unfortunately is. Next, it was Stevenson vs Lawson, with Lawson apparently in amazing form. As they warmed up, I suggested to guest star and banterer-in-chief Jo Davis that we adapt the Clash's "I Fought The Law" to sing, "I fought Paul Lawson, and I won." Inevitably, Jo replied, "OK, shall we start bantering now then?" ... and immediately burst into a chorus explaining just how many Queen's colleges there are. (Five, at the last count, since Killingley apparently spotted one in Harley Street!)

From that moment the volume never let up, and as usual against Queen's, it did the trick. Lawson was all over the place by his high standards and Stevenson coasted to victory with a first-dart double while we cheerfully sang, "You can't take your banter!" at Lawson. Then the captains stepped up and played relatively shit, but Fads did the business - there is, after all, only one sensible way to take out 27, and that is 7, double 6, double 4, cheers for the game.

The old warhorse Jo stepped up for the fourth leg, having earlier faced off against Sultoon for the right to replace Jon Church, unfortunately unavailable due to a case of butterflies in the stomach. And after Matt Baker had been duly put in his place, the volume level rose still further, as with the scores at 3-1, the Real Dick stepped up to play against Clifford. Appropriately enough, Clifford was really dicked on, but despite being about 1000 points behind at one stage he still managed to win somehow.

Then it was the turn of Toilet to face the music. In this case, the music was The Proclaimers' famous lines, "If I could throw 500 darts, and I could throw 500 more ..." (And then something about not hitting the board, but I was too pissed to remember.) He took his banter in good spirit, but on his Queen's-match debut, first year Matt stepped up and did the business. A few choruses of "1-5 to the Queen's College!" were struck up.

Sadly it soon became 3-5 to the Queen's as remarkably solid play from JP took out Killingley before Highlander, in his "hero-to-zero" role at number 8, took out youngster Matt Locke, playing only his third match. However, Highlander soon put that wrong in his doubles match with Phil the Real Dick against Stevenson and Fads. Fads managed to get the best three pints of the night : Jordan, Highlander and the Real Dick ... bag.

As I got more and more battered, I remembered less and less, so my only recollection of the next two doubles defeats was Fads repeatedly yelling "Your captain's face is very red" at Phil Jordan. After Jordan's doubles win we were "treated" to a sight of his arse as well, if I recall correctly, which probably wasn't quite so red, although you can never be sure.

However, at 6-5, this did all make it a bit tense, since the disastrously out-of-form Damage and the inexperienced Matt Locke were playing Matt Baker and someone else I can't remember in the final doubles. Inevitably they took about 10 sets to double in and while the Queen's pair fucked themselves over time and time again in the madhouse, the struggling Exeter boys succeeded in leaving themselves 3. However, if you give Savory enough darts, he can rise to any occasion.

We've got Dward ...

Let's keep him.

Savory was still washing out the beer poured over his head which greeted the victory when Queen's left the bar in double-quick time, not even pausing to hear a chorus of "Cheerio, cheerio ..." I guess that's five wins in a row. Whatever they might think, Savory still hasn't mastered eating bananas with his feet. It's a good job he can rely on his darts.