Poetry
5:44 AM 1/11/01 Inside I'd rarther be a fake somebody than a real nobody. dark secrets lie within, hidden with the fake illusion of happyness. a bad past is like a bunch of shit you wanna lock inside a box and throw away the key, you don't want to remember, and you don't want to be reminded. until one day you meet someone and all you can think about is giving them the key to your box, you know you can't though...you know they'd never understand.
2:56 AM 3/14/01 Forever alone days turns weeks, months turn years. not a day passes that I forget what was once. Without you, It hurts to be alive; Before you, I was alone. and now, I am alone again. scored into my vacant mind are memories, any spare moment, any spare thought, I picture you. reeling over and over what I can never be a part of again. in a crazy fucked up world, inbetween the shit, you stood out.. a translucently pure aura, strong, grounded. no need for me to converse with this...at one with this. fearfull of this, afraid on all terms with this. I think of you, and waves of dispair wash over me. I think of you, and there is no relief from the coldness I feel. I try to hold onto what I care about. I could never stop caring about you, I could never stop loving you. you think I'm joking, I wish I were.
2.00am 5/20/01 Somedays shine the sun, and others not. as somedays I am here & others not either. Echoes the ringing voice of insanity, sharing my conscience, and driving me, nearer to what I am afraid of and to what I will whither if I come in contact with. Never will I have place here, I wait here with the sentence of an empty life. waiting for things to stop. I don't want to feel these worthless shallow emotions anymore. give me the strength to pull the trigger, from the depths of hell Is where I cry from. I'm not who I was anymore, the worst kind of nightmare that I just can't wake up from. Everything i've lost, punishment for the vanity that i once posessed. A filthy lesson learnt by me. my white picket fence dream, shattered. I can't go back, I can't fix this, either.
11:23 PM 5/20/01 smitten, battered, beaten, torn a book of shadows that were never cast apon the ground we walk. there is a place where dark things go. with this pain I have, I murder you. red alban glory flows a river exposing all of your weakness and everything I hate you for. there has been unfairness done to me. there shall be fear, and guilt, and bad blood. mote it be!
5:42 AM 5/28/01 Joe She knows what she does , ripping through my shell. extasy washes over me as I watch her return my gaze from deep beautiful eyes, breaking the rules of ethicate with the exuse of dry humor. the feelings beyond thought and thoughts, naked. a room filled with people is empty but for her and myself. distilling calm, and for a short moment, putting something sweet in the place where emptyness distills and churns inside of me. she captures me like lyrix from a favourite song. pink comic strands, move and quiver in suspended space. not alive, but truly a part of her. she expresses acceptance, something rarely found for me.
11:45am 6/29/01 silent stint Saturated with hatrid, the sink, my ring master. the knife, my tightrope. too deep I will fall to where I want. Shallowness of depth, a contrast of myself and my cowardness. in the splintering pool of solitude, I trade physical pain for emotional relief. the result of fools devotion is me. my heart begs for forgiveness, to no avail, her eyes, as empty as the sky. the only person that can make me stop crying is the person that made me cry. but in all this blood lust, I have these moments, a dream within a nightmare, it's all so nice & uncertain now. woken from this patchwork life, a little too much to handle for a clean, sobor straight day. one sweet moment of clarity, understand this time, I do. everything around me.
9:03 PM 6/14/01 dreams are nightmares, swimming is drowing, silence is hiding and purposefull solitude is hiding also. wanting to wake, but not really asleep, too far in this, too late to turn back. shredded pieces of wasted life, meaningless existances, we are the rebirth of deeply felt sorrow. a loosing hand of cards, we know how it ends. silently knowing, silently dying from the inside out. hollow, visable, help me to dissapear below them, but in control of them. what doesn't kill us only makes us weaker. all pain, an illusion. all our existance, an illusion. comforting; sometimes even enjoyable, the fake application of superficial affection. stand in light, my shadow begs for release. it's seen in dark only, for I am in darkness.
1:51 AM 7/7/01 All that you are something so intense and unaware of it's beauty, our creator, our teacher, the very first comforting touch we ever felt. the world and I owes you, owes you what you have given me, and us. you deserve more than you have faught for. you give and work selflessly, with no reward. be aware that I can see this, as most of us can. I try to repay you by making you prowd. as you are of my siblings. let things go, don't let things get to you. be stronger than you think you can be, love wildly and freely and be free. power be had, I'd grant to thee eternal happyness. eternal rest, eternal love.
10:42 PM 7/19/01 Fake old mind Any brief flicker of happyness, gone. any feeling of warmth, wasted and polluted by the terrible truth. lying to myself for too long now. it wont be so bad- is the lie that I believe. my fairytail was so close to becomming real. maybe something is watching me. something hates me, something says... in this world, your not supposed to be happy, you can't be with the only thing that keeps you alive. nobody can hear the words you want to say, everything hurts from now on, that wont change, you can't change. don't want the world to see me. teasing myself with this twisted shit. this lesson of mine would be nice to watch, for a sadist. maybe in my fake old mind, I could find her there. wish I could be something she liked. wish she knew who I was.
1:01 AM 7/8/01 break from emptyness somehow I found the strength to face this. through that glass she stood out, white on black. something inside of me dies and comes back to life. ripping and torking the minds of people I pass by, changing the atmosphere around me , my physical machine of flesh and blood, shaking with adreneline as I walk towards my darkest fear. those eyes,... how could I forget. deep blue sanctuary, beautiful reflections for what she is. giving nothing away, was this really her standing before me? questioning, answering, inside comforting, talking to myself telling my twisted conscience that everything is going to be okay. so much to say but unable to speak, numbed with disbelief, what now? we are strangers binded only by the distant past. but she knows, she saw the lines through my scar she placed. hardly a waste, mearly a lesson. witness this sadness of mine, this girl so long remmembered. feels so right, but so unsure. prewritten day, marks the end of something. so felt and so cold. I think I should be vomiting right about now.
9:18 PM 8/22/01 sweet dreams All sweet dreams of late, twisted, infected with the past. Drowning every thought, my broken connection with her, A burdon on whats soul remains silent. My mind has screamed in silence enough. Time to let go of something beautiful, but hurtfull to think about. Her beautiful smile I know now, covers something dark, something angry, something...missunderstood. I have to let go, I will let go, I just did. but forever more another voice inside me chants you can't let go...your soul cannot rest without her. for anything to be created something must first be destroyed. You destroyed me, and here is your creation. I'm safe when i'm with you, and i've never felt more unsafe than now.
12:27 AM 9/10/01 Run shall we? from this imagination that grows more vast with every tiny little thought. Hypocritical mind cannot be forgiven for it knows what it is, and it knows what it does. Appreciates affection, but feels deep seeded waste and lack of self worth. this existance, questionable. time will tell. such strength, wisdom and love surrounding but not absorbed. would this mind be wasted eternally or put to rest finally?
6:25 AM 11/16/01 Chevakia. we define each other, we need each other to give meaning to our lives, we are black, and we are white. but only when the chance is gone do I come to my sences, by the time I open my eyes, your not there anymore. only when it's too late do I have the courage to reach out for you. insignicance doesn't exist between us. wings that I can't see, but a warm healing touch, comforting me as I fall down in cycles. it's time, everything must finish now. purity never belonged in this place anyway.
7:05 PM 10/21/01 so much further than hate, shaking as does a furnace, never really alive but not dead either. theres something romantic about the way this is, as an oil spill overcomes and infatuates beautiful things. a patchwork of conartists elevate the fools to their heightened level of ignorance, give bread for your lack of security. ask yourself what a soul without a body without a life as you know it is. don't bother to question your authority, bother not to question your creator of life. and not question your existance and nothingnesss, ignorance is bliss.
